help me with my new family

[a strong male]

Help me. no matter what I say or do / or how I say it or do it. I am wrong. I love the woman I am with , we have been together for over 2 yrs. now. she has 3 kids. and I have 2 mine are in college and live in my guest home. hers are 2 boys 15, 13 and 1 girl 10. the 13 and 10 yr old are fighting every day. and their not condusive to a health family life. mainly they fight about levels in the home.

who's who. we have just moved in this home this past Feb. a large home. with enough room for each one to have their own space and rooms. my space is our libary. it's off limits to all. except. my better half.

 

My problem is, I'm being told I'm to critical. I own my own biz, a sucsessful one at that. and she is a profesional. 9-5 monday thru fri. I am home most days whae the kids come home from school.

When I had input. taken upon myself ( clean your rooms and do homework before games ) the kids had time and half-way decent grades. I never disaplined them. just aforded them opertunity's.

 

But was told the kids resent me for that, input. so I havent for several month. d's and f's and their rooms are a mess. and lots of resentful still exsits.

It has poured into my love life and it's getting worce every day. Again no matter what I try She get mad, to hate to where she is xcursing and calling me sick. she is hurtful and spitful as well.

 

help

[Reckless]

Well there's a lot of stuff going on there - not least you have a houseful of teenagers and the strain is beginning to show. Not only that but you are a 'reconstructed family' where you are trying to raise step children and your marriage is relatively young. Let's add that you are both working more or less full time and you have a very challenging situation. Challenging but far from impossible.

 

Not all of the challenges hold equal weight but all must be addresses and since you and your wife are the 'masters of the ship' the first is surely has to be your relationship with each other.

 

no matter what I try She get mad, to hate to where she is xcursing and calling me sick. she is hurtful and spitful

 

You have a lot of resentment build up here. Is only about the children? Maybe as a couple you need counseling? If you can't communicate with each other you have little chance of sorting out the other problems. Think seriously of getting outside help to untangle her feelings before it's too late.

 

As for the children, you both have to face these challenges as a united front; you should sit down together and work out a balanced approach to child rearing and discipline that you both are happy with, in other words that doesn NOT add to the spiral of resentment that you have here.

 

Remember children will always test the limits set by the parents and this is doubly true in step families and triply true of teenagers. You need to be careful to sort things out in private not in front of the children. On the good side your wife felt able to communicate the children's feelings to you. May I ask did you talk to the children about them feeling overly critical? Did you apologize for any hurt feelings and try and explain why you had been the way you were? A parent apologizing does not mean he/she loses respect if it's merited and you continue to hold to the principles (perhaps adjusting the methods).

 

You were told that you were 'too critical' and so decided that the plan of action was to completely withdraw your input and as you have seen the result were not good. Although as a stepparent you will have to step lightly, not muscleling in with an overbearing 'king of the Castle' manner, the opposite, (having no input) is equally harmful.

 

Balanced discipline is a sign of love and your children need that to feel secure, even with a the stepfather. They will lose all respect for you if you do not treat them as you would your own children and that includes setting and maintaining rules. You just have to agree with your partner what those rules are; after talking matters over, maybe it would be a good idea, at least initially, that the biological parent be the main disciplinarian in order to give you time to build a closer relationship with the children.

 

You didn't mention your relationship with the children, do you spend time with them (especially the boys)? Do you organize any outings (just with them)? Do you work together? These shared activities, whether it's washing the car, bouncing a baseball around a court or (maybe for the girl) grocery shopping... will forge a bond of love that will smooth the way. Remember you don't have the 'blood bond' with them and must work to gain their trust and respect.

 

So I'd say -- first make sure, even though you both work full time, to have time with your wife to communicate and clear up on a daily basis any problems that arise (as well as you own time to be together to regain the love and respect that is dying - maybe scheduling time with a marriage counselor). That you talk and set up the non-negotiable 'rules of the house' but you let your wife perhaps be the principle administrator of discipline, at least for a time but that you do not withdraw completely from your part and work to communicate and form a bond of affection with the kids.

 

They are at the awful age so don't expect it to be easy (especially with the boys), but the strain doesn't have to break your marriage and it won't if you get to work.

 

Good luck

R

[wiseOLDman]

strong male, I can't begin to assume what you're going through, but I have two children- 13 and 9. They fight at times and at other times they're best friends. I'm a little bit tougher on them in some respects, and my wife is harder on them in other respects.

 

I do believe, however, that it is critical that you and your "woman" sit down and agree on boundaries for the children. The two of you have to agree on how you are going to handle the "kids." You probably feel that you've done a good job with your children and what's good for them will be good for your new lady's kids. That is not the case if their early upbringing was in contrast to your kids. So, be open-minded and come to an agreement on all boundaries with respect to your lady's children. You both need to agree to back the other in decisions and punishments, even if you differ in opinion. Those differences can be discussed between the two of you outside the children's presence. When you have agreed on the parameters, gather the kids around and let them know what you're going to do. Let them ask questions and challenge your approach. Alter it if you feel it's appropriate. But you and the lady you're with must hold firm in your committment to each other.

 

If you have disagreements about rules in front of the kids, they will do their very best to drive a wedge between the two of you. You and your lady must have a united front in how her children will be raised and you, as the "interloper" will have to take the back seat and respect her wishes.

 

Each of her children are at very difficult stages of their lives. Boys with the raging hormones and the girl who is trying to figure out what's going on all around her. Be firm, but supportive of each of them. I'm sure you know not to try to be "dad." Be a friend , a guardian and a role model to them and they will decide where they want the relationship to go.

 

All the best

[A Strong Male]

I have been involved in the boys life more so than their bio father. They live here with us. 90 plus percent of the time. every other weekend with dad. ( he wants to be back with my woman. they have been divorced for 10 years. ) this guy is undermining. I knoice a big change in the behavior several days prior and afer their visit's with him. same with the daughter.

 

I aford opertunitys for all of the kids' cable in all the rooms games ( video/ cuputors ect... ) and that seem to be my down fall. My better half says when they are bad we should not take back any thing. they should be allowed the comforts of the extra's. She call's me an indian giver if I recomend no t.v. ect... ???????????????

 

Times have changed for our children compaired to my childhood. I'm 43 yaers old. and I was on the verge of my daughters off to college and freedom from kid's and have meet this woman and her children and have another 9 years of kids. ???? my friends said I was crazy. most of them have grown kids.

 

Your' right about comunication and it's parrlels. we seem to have none.

 

Last night we all went to get a tree. for xmas. and saw some wonderful tree's one 13 footer. over wealming but it would fit in our home. I did not get to much imput from the kids so my better half and I ( more me she droped out and said it was my choice ) found a tree a 9 footer. full and very nice.

 

we told the kids and the stormed off. saying they wanted the biggest tree. I felt like I droped the ball and my team lost the chapionship game. So to make it right I brought the big one. and paid extra for delivery.

 

It's a monster tree. My better half made the kids feel bad for their actions and had them appoligize, Istill hurt. but those are some of the tools they use to bring me down.

 

the youngest one has said many time she will do what she cane to seperate us. ( I stole her mommy. attitude. ) and she has even told me she's going to have her dad kick my butt. ( I'm being nice in conveying her verbage. ) ?????? every day it's an issue and it seems to worsen with emphsis.

 

PArt of me says walk away and end this relationship and the other say's stay and work it out. ???

 

still hurting. please help.

[brashgal]

Teenage power struggle - difficult enough when the kids are your own. You and your wife need to come to agreement and it sounds like a counselor is the best way to do so since it seems you've tried on your own and failed.

 

Many kids this age need even more discipline than they did as younger children. They need to be held responsible for their grades and their behavior. You should make it clear to the kids and your wife that you will not be disrespected. I don't agree with the Indian Giver philosophy - the electronic equipment is a privelege, not a right.

 

I think it's too soon to throw in the towel on the marriage. Give counselling a try. Best of luck!

[Reckless]

Yes, I have to agree. You really need to sit down with your wife and agree on counseling - tell her what's at stake (your marriage) and see if she is up to fighting for it - then get outside help immediately.

 

As I was reading your latest post I kept thinking of the one word 'solidarity'. Your children are being children, they have been through not only the trauma of a divorce but are, thanks in part to the negative influence of their biological father, in an emotionally unstable environment. They'll fight you for control and what it represents for them (happiness) every step of the way and will absolutely win if you don't make a solid team with your partner.

 

You cannot have your wife undermining your decisions in front of them, allowing them to belittle you and vetoing measures taken - for example: if you'd have got the smaller tree and your step children had seen you and your wife happy in the decision they may well have sulked but they would have seen that mom's married (and happy) with a man not a wallet and in the long run you'd have gained their (reluctant) respect and maybe even a smidgen of affection. Sorry - wrong call to both you and your wife on that one...

 

You see, you must work as a team or you'll all go down; even if you make it until the children leave the nest the ensuing bitterness and resentment is likely to linger and fester.

 

Don't give up - 4 out of 10 reconstructed families fail within the first five years of marriage but that still means that 6 out of 10 make it! Get practical help and be one of the six.

 

Good luck,

R.

[A Strong Male]

I hear you. I should have stayed on my points. with the tree. But I felt becuase of the fallen feeling in the home, that I would give in. I should have asked for re-insurance from my wife about the smaller tree. and good point she is with me becuase of me not my money.

 

The kids seem to feel that I am money. they were not so furtunite prior to me. a single mother and a dead beat dad at the time. Dad has sence got his wages atached. and I think he's reflecting that issue to the boy's. his life style and mine a quite adversed. He live's in mom and dad's guest home. and drives a P.O.S.

 

I think he see's my ability to support his kids' and the home that we live in. no your average home on the block. Our pool and toy's , motor home ect... harleys and exotic cars. and use's them as tools of discuragement towards his kids'

 

His time is every other weekend. and what an opertunity but it is used as ( get me a beer and nascar) his funtions are degrading to say the least. a male nurse and his son has asthma. and he smokes in front of them and in the car with them. the drive for him is 1.5 hours. so we get the nasty smells of tabaco for 1.5 hours home and have to wash all their clothes as a result of his actions.

 

The daughter has the same type father. ( 2 fathers for her kids ) but he wont smoke in the car or on her. nice guy. we can comunicate somewhat.

 

I love my wife and her kids. but hate some of thier actions. and the discussions that turn to arguements. I keep an even keel attitude.

 

Last night trying to sifer the weekend. ( alll the kids are gone. ) she tells me she's got a date with her girlfriend on Sat eve, and the whole eve is out of the question. I conveyed how important I thought our time would be, first time alone in a month. and she is to the point. and adamite about spending time away from me. ?? I told her how hurt I feel and she is noresponsive. I dont want to feel uncofrtrable with her dission and have a hard time telling her. she just wont listen nor care.

 

any sugestions would be helpful. thanks once again.

[wiseOLDman]

Sounds like you really need to fix your relationship with your wife first. Why don't you suggest to her that the two of you take a weekend holiday. Get out of the stressful home environment. Although she's made plans to be with her friends, tell her that it's important to you that the two of you get away.

 

Make reservations at a nice hotel or resort. Plan on a day at a spa. Whatever floats your boat. If she still declines, go by yourself and enjoy the quite time. Use it to revisit your relationship. You're in a lot of pain right now and you need to get in touch with yourself before you can try to mend things with the family. You can only control your own destiny and you need to decide if your wife and kids are going to be an important part of your future.