What game is she playing at?

[honkas]

I met my x roughly 4 years ago at university. I was 20 and she was 22. We started dating and then going out. We have been going out for 4 years. Around March, i became distant from her, i was sad, depressed because of work problems. In June 2003 i broke it off with her, i told her i needed a break. She wasn't too happy and was quite scared that i was leaving her for good. I became interesed in a work mate and we started seeing each other for a couple of months but nothing sexual. During this time my x had left me alone to think. Around August/September my x found out that i was seeing someone else, she wasn't happy asked me to stop because she loved me too much and wanted to spend time with me helping me through my hard times at work, walk through life together etc. She said she would wait patiently for me to enter her life again. She was upset that i sought comfort in a workmate instead of her and therefore fell for the workmate.

 

Friends, relatives asked me to think about what i was doing. Really thinka about my x and her feelings, my feelings and this new girl. I did. I realised that i was just chasing after something new, exciting and missing out on the love, care, and strong bond in that i had with my x. I realised that i still had feelings for her, that i loved her deeply but didn't realise. So in September, i told my x that i would stop seeing the other girl. I told her it would take time but i would stop. We started to see each other more exclusively after that, things weren't the same but we were spending time together. However, the other girl rang a few times while my x was there and my x cracked! She went nuts! I assured her there was nothing happening, but she didn't believe me.

 

During this roller coaster time, my x started having emotional problems, she sought medical help and took antidepressants because of the relationship trauma. This i believe changed the nature of our relationship, she now can not reach her feelings she once had for me, she is just so unsure how she feels now. She says she is exhausted with the relationship. This has been further exhausted by the addition of a new man in her life. She is currently seeing him and has established a relationship with him, not just dating! I know she still has feelings for me because she has told me so, however, she said she just doesn't knwo what feelings they are! Strange?? She hasn't said she loved me for a while, but hasn't said she doesn't love me either. We still see each other 1-2 times a week, email a few times or sms. I bring her flowers, lunch, dinner and we talk about our relationship etc. She said it was strange that we can talk as if we had never broken up!! I know she still loves me but she won't admit it.

 

I don't know where i stand with her, she is just so confused. It was my 25th B'day a couple of days ago. I went out for dinner with my x to a nice restaurant with a fantastic view. During the drive home, she slept in my car. As i arrived at her house, she awoke and just lay in my car...

 

We started talking... then i kissed her, she let me, she kissed me back too!!... I asked her if she understood what she was about to do as she is with another man at the moment.. she said she understood and new what she wanted... she said to me she 'wanted to make love with me'... can a woman say that and just think of it as 'sex' like a male can... and after our intimate moments together... she started to cry.. she really started to tear... i was really worried that i had done something wrong.. but she said me it wasn't me... she said she missed the feeling of being so close to me intimately... she started to reflect the emotional break-up etc.. we talked very openly once again after...

 

she said she is still confused.. does miss me.. she said she is not sure if she can give a second chance, but is too scared that i will leave her again.. i have reassured her i won't.. that i don't want to leave her, that i wouldn't... because this is what i truly feel..

 

i am confused... i am not sure exactly y she did what she did, and i am not sure if i am just being used?? She didn't stop me even though she had plenty of chances too..

[honkas]

I had a feeling deep down in her heart she still loved me very much. She just doesn't want to tell me, show me or anything at all which is confusing me. She just is emotionless and quiet when i express myself to her, she doesn't reciprocate it back. When she was crying it was more of a reaching out crying, crying for the hurt that she went through, the pain!! So i guess that is good right? She is finally reaching her inner feelings and letting open a little bit??

 

We are not back together yet unfortunately, she is still with the other guy. I am sure she is not going to tell him what happened between us.

 

How can she be very in love with me and be with another person, how much faith does that instill in me when she is in love with me possibly and in the arms of another man?? Makes me feel as though my love isn't good enough for her!!

 

Aren't I just the outsider to her? Shouldn't she try and not be in a relationship at all so she can process all that has been happening? How much time do i need to give her to prove she can trust me when she is already in another relationship with another person???

[vixen]

turn about is fair play. You did this to her, and to the both of you. Your insecurities and running from her when she was there for you open arms, have scarred her for life. I've been through similar situations before. Stop telling her you wont do it again. You did it once, you will do it again. If you don't then you don't, but honestly you are worrying way to much. The damage is done. If you are hurt then perhaps you should be. but i would not press her, she says she loves you, but this other man has never hurt her like you have, so she probably feels safe with him. You did her and your love a great injustice, and now you want her to treat you like it never happened. Typical male point of view. No amount of i want to be with you i want to love you i wont hurt you again i swear is going to help. She needs time to heal, time to think, time to learn who she is now that you've ripped her world apart. I would suggest you relax, don't pressure her, let her do as she must, if you truly loved her it would be her happiness you're after, not your own. Take this like a man. Pineing and whining is for girls. (not women) It's tough love i'm feeding you here, you have to let her call the shots, because you were the puts. That doesn't mean bend over back-wards for her, or let her take advantage of you, keep your dignity, but don't you dare ask anything of her. You don't deserve much at this point. If you want to win this love back, you must be patient, ride it out, let her decide what is best for her, and you just do what you've got to do.

 

Vixen

[honkas]

I know i did this to her and both of us. I really do understand my mistake. It's not as if i don't know what damage I have done. I understand the hurt that i am going through i truly deserve!! Geez!

 

'Take this like a man. Pineing and whining is for girls. (not women) It's tough love i'm feeding you here, you have to let her call the shots, because you were the puts. That doesn't mean bend over back-wards for her, or let her take advantage of you, keep your dignity, but don't you dare ask anything of her. You don't deserve much at this point.' - Well... Let's see here, I did let her call the shots.. i did let her tell me what she wanted.. SHE WANTED ME BACK!! SHE WANTED ME TO STOP SEEING THE OTHER PERSON!! I DID THIS! I STOPPED BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT MY X!! I wouldn't be in this foresaken position if i hadn't listened to her with my heart in the first place, listened to her crying, pleading for me to give her another chance, telling me she loves me, wants to be with me... what if i totally got on with my life!! What if? WHAT A JOKE HEY!! I Don't dare ask her for anything because i don't want to pressure her, but sometimes it is hard not too when she demanded from me!! What i can't demand from her when i did what she asked?? What she get's the preferential treatment beacuse i stuffed up, didn't i fix it up by doing what she asked?? Was this not enough?? Why did she even ask me to do this stuff when she was just gonna jump into the arms of another person? But for someone that demanded of me, that put me under pressure to end it, why then did i bend over backwards for he when looking at the position i am now in i am worse off??

 

A Confused woman?? Geez.. that's not new!! Can't she make a clear cut decision when it comes to making a break like I did??

 

This is one of the biggest learning lessons of my life so far. You seem to assume that ifi say i won't do it again, that i will do it again. Obviously this has happened to u or people you know of time and time again? Well, Not me!!

[midori]

I think this is something you're just going to have to feel your way through. I doubt anyone here can reasonably predict the outcome, because it will probably hinge on the subtle type of things embedded in your past and present interactions that you can't convey to us here.

 

I think your x is anxious about being vulnerable to you again, and as you know she has reason to be so. Just because you've got yourself in a place where you're certain about what you want with her doesn't mean her fears and doubts should just instantly dissolve. You're just going to have to have a bit of patience I think.

 

On the other hand, it's not going to be fair of her to drag this out for a long time because of her hurt -- it's not carte blanche to do whatever she likes. You're not going to go forward with her if you're going to be in permanent Relationship Purgatory, always needing to prove yourself. She needs to figure things out quite soon, if for no other reason than she needs to be fair to her new guy. She slept with you. She's talking about getting back together with you. This just isn't cool.

 

You can't make up her mind for her. If you've been straight with her, step back a bit and let her get her head sorted out. Be available for her but don't push her to spend time with you. If she hasn't reached a conclusion in the next week or two, I don't think she will. Maybe she's too wrapped up in the drama, with her as the Wronged Woman. Maybe she really likes the new guy. Maybe she'll just realize that despite your recent efforts she'll never be able to trust you. Whatever. If she hasn't given you an answer by Christmas, she will have said all you need to know, and you'll just have to accept that it's not going to happen.

 

You've given it your best shot. The ball is in her court now.

 

Good luck!

[honkas]

I am trying to feel my way through this situation. That is probably y i am so confused and can see that she is too. But that 'confusion' is good as it indicates to me that she still cares for me. If she wasn't confused then she wouldn't care about me, right? She will have to weigh alot of issues up.. when deciding...

 

The good things are that we still talk as if we never broke up. She cheated on her bf with me! Not anyone else.. just me.. She cried deeply releasing obviously letting out what she had been keeping in... We still see each other on occasions.. but i guess this is only because she doesn't have her bf as a distraction, pity he comes back and she is whisked off for christmas!! She tells me she misses me etc... and even tells me some things she doesn't like about her new bf!! This must be good right?

 

I know she is scared of being vulnerable to me again.. that is something that will probably linger for a while.. so in the end i guess she has to have enough faith in me to take that jump because if she doesn't she may have missed our boat.. and that would be sad considering i am sincere, genuine and really want 'us' to work.. and furthermore, didn't do what i did to get her back for nothing, not even an attempt to try again!! But hey... i am not the person that has to decide..

 

I have given her a date, roughly early January, to make a decision because i can't be strung along for a ride... She is going to spend christmas with his family and we will not see each other for new years as i am going interstate to get away from the mess i have caused... She told me that this idea of spending christmas with him and his family is nothing serious for her and she is jealous she can't come with me interstate to party hard for new years...

 

I told her that it is a serious issue for his family most likely, and is nothing to be taken lightly. She realised that she shouldn't have agreed so early to go, but it is too late now!! She has promised!!

 

I am sure she is not really 'into' this new guy because she has told me!! It's just too quick for her to tell.. she even goes to say he doesn't really make her happy... i know i used to make her happy... she just feels comfortable with the guy... i guess a result of being lonely for a while.. something new too... and someone that appreciates her...

 

Patience is a virtue!! But at least she knows how i feel and what i want... i need to send her to a remote island to think... her friends think that she is 'cruel' doing what she has done... and think she should give me another chance.. but i am not sure how much influence her friends have... only a girl knows i guess...

[vixen]

they have just as much influence on her as your guy friends do on you. If she knows in her heart what should be no amount of advice will persuade her to do otherwise. That is if she is a strong woman, who is true to herself. I didn't mean to be so harsh on you, well i did, but i did it for your own good. Ya she should give you a decision by say x-mas, don't press her, let her run her own coarse, in fact if i were you, i'd play hard to get. Oops missed that phone call. XD i don't condone your actions in the past, and you seem genuine in your desire to never repeat it and make it up to her, but so did my x-husband, and well that X wouldn't be there if he didn't' go and do it again 3 1/2 years later. So if you say you've learned from your mistake, than stick you your guns, even if she doesn't come back to you, don't do this to any other women either. Got me?

 

Vixen

[midori]

Originally posted by honkas

She is going to spend christmas with his family and we will not see each other for new years as i am going interstate to get away from the mess i have caused... She told me that this idea of spending christmas with him and his family is nothing serious for her and she is jealous she can't come with me interstate to party hard for new years

 

What? I'm sorry but this strikes me as remarkably selfish. I'm glad that she doesn't think much of spending Christmas with this guy's family, but I'd be willing to bet that he does. Since he's your rival, I can see how it might be difficult for you to recognize how she's being quite awful to him, using him while saying that she'd rather be with you. I know you're all quite young, but this is not a sign of good character.

 

It's all very convenient for you to wait until the new year -- but it's still two weeks until Christmas and that's rather long to allow this to drag out. I would have a rather low opinion of a girl who uses a guy's feelings for her to suit her own purposes.

 

I think you should tell her that her mind needs to be made up before Christmas, whether or not that puts a wrench in her holiday plans, and/or yours. If you just want to be selfish about it, her spending the holidays with him and then dumping him is potential fuel for future guilt and messiness. If this guy doesn't mean much to her, you don't want her feeling obliged to him, or to maintain any connections because she doesn't want to look like a jerk who used him and then dumped him.

 

Really. This isn't a good situation.

[honkas]

I know she is confused and that is why she doesn't know what her heart is telling her to do. She has even admitted to that. She has admitted once to wanting to give me a chance, but then she got out of it by saying she was confused. I do believe her friends are asking her to give me a second chance, and know she does take their advice into consideration.

 

It's not that this guy doesn't mean much to her, i am sure he does mean something to her, hopefuly as a friend. She didn' expect me to write the letters i did, show my concern, my regret that i did. And maybe that is why she needs time to herself as she said to really think about everything.

 

I know the christmas trip is a bit of a stuff up. It really is. But, i know her and she has put her name down for the trip and she is not the type to back out unfortunately, because she has already agreed. There is nothing i can do about that. Waiting until the new years is a little while, it is a shame, but this is something i must ride out.

 

I have already given her the period by which her decision has to be made and do not want to put extra pressure on her by bringing the date forward.

 

I know i don't want her feeling obliged to him either but there is nothing i can do about it at all. She knows she has to make a choice, and she will be losing one of us. Let's just hope that she doesn't want to lose someone of 4 yrs to someone of 1-2 months. I have also told her that if she doesn't choose me than it will be very hard for me to see her for a while after, that i will probably even move interstate. I think she was a bit shocked about that. So she has to really think if she wants to lose me because we are best friends!!

 

I guess it will look like she is a jerk for dumping him, but if she chooses me, i will give her time and support to close her relationship with him in due time, just like she did for me. I will be there to support her throughout the process but of course it has to end with the other guy!! I will not be lead on!!

 

I think i have learned alot about this and will never want to go through it again, am pretty sure i will be better equiped to handle it in the future. This is not a situation i would recommend even to my enemies!!

[honkas]

I told her that i had enough. That i didn't deserve to be treated this way by her. All i have done is open my heart, be nice, caring and sincere to her and i have recieved confusion!! My patience with her was wearing thin and that i will be moving interstate in the new year if she chooses the other guy. She started to cry and said that she was scared of me moving interstate as she felt she 'would lose me forever'. I told her that it is not her right to keep me close to her considering she was choosing the other guy, and she shouldn't feel jealous if i was with other women. I needed a new life, new surrounds.

 

She said that she had been thinking alot about our situation and that she 'could see happiness living together with me' but didn't know how to tell the other guy. She said she was scared about what he might do!! He has already bought her christmas presents etc, and she feels bad telling him this. I know she should be direct and the sooner the better so as she doesn't feel obliged to him. I told her to make the choice soon, as i have had enough!! I kissed her and she kissed me back.

 

She said she is unsure if she still loves me anymore, but still likes me, she admitted that. She seems to have a bit of a clearer picture being able to see a future with me, but is still confused. She did indicate that she will tell him, not sure when and how but she would try.

 

Not sure if this is enough though and how important it is in her eventual decision in actually doing it before i decide that i am leaving interstate. Any assistance on how and what she should tell the other guy??

[Arabess]

Honestly Honkas.... I think you are reading your life as if it were a romance novel....when the truth is....it seems more like the two of you are co-dependents in a relationship which is just messed up!!! Maybe BOTH of you should consider going to your separate corners to think things thru before you join up with each other or anyone else period.

 

A relationship needs some sort of a solid foundation. BOTH people at the SAME time....need to be growing in love, trust and honesty. Your relationship history hasn't done this. You've just both ran in circles around each other.

 

I'm not saying the relationship is DOOMED.....but without taking some time to get out of all the drama...I think you'll go back and forth endlessly and never get anywhere.

 

If you value this relationship or any other relationship you may have in the future.....walk away and get your OWN life together. Then re-evaluate the relationship with this girl.

 

Arabess

[vixen]

i so agree with you arabess, i mean really kissing was a bad bad idea, you two need to just let it go for now, walk away without pain, without anger and you can do it again years later. Say, this is for the best if we just let it go now. I did this with Jon, it wasn't as messed up as your sitch, but because i broke it off with him while we were still feeling good towards each other we will have a chance for the future. It's not to unlike that. Go be free do what you must do, date women, see life, it's OK. Trust me you'll be fine, time heals all wounds. >_<

 

Vixen

[jmargel]

Honkas,

 

Stop making decisions for her!! My god, giving her a time when she needs to decide, and then pressuring her saying you are moving if she doesn't choose you? How SELFISH can you be? Do you really want to be with someone knowing you pressured her into a relationship back with you?

 

YOU are the one who wanted space, and SHE gave it to you. She never gave you a date on when you had to decide between the co-worker & her, yet you do the same to her? I feel for this poor girl.. You dragged her though alot of crap, and now you are manuiplating her to think YOUR way.

 

If you want any sort of chance as a long-term relationship with her, BACK OFF! She is telling you she is confused. TELLING YOU.. As in LISTEN TO HER! Stop reading into things. SHE IS CONFUSED. What you are going to end up doing is scaring her away.

 

From what I can gather from your posts only (wish she could post on here) that she's fond of the memories you two had, but is scared of not only the future with you, but her true feelings.

 

My suggestion? Stop acting so damn selfish! Apologize to her about everything, and tell her that you just want to see her happy in life no matter what her decision is, and RESPECT that if she doesn't go with you. If for some reason she decides to go with you, then you need to goto counciling with her. This will show her that you truly do care & love her. Your words are meaningless to her right now, and rightfully so.

 

Stop being so cruel to her, if you love her as much as you say you do. Perhaps you didn't realize how much stress you been putting her under, but I hope this post wakens you up!

[honkas]

Well.. let me see.. i guess it seems like me that is putting all the pressure on her.. and i understand that.. so i have given her time.. but i guess it seems like i am the bad guy... but that is ok.. maybe i deserve it.. i mean i didn't mention the fact that she gave me 2 weeks!! DID I?? That she gave me pressure to choose within 2 weeks... but hey, who cares about men and what pressures they have because women are more delicate creatures!! Who cares, that my x demanded i stop talking to my co-worker, stop associating with her alltogether... but hey, she can't put herself in my shoes and realise what she put me through.. that she even sms'd my co-worker telling her to 'get lost'.. further adding to the pressure that was surmounting... but hey.. men obviously can take it alot better than women right??

 

She wasn't selfish was so?? No! No way!! To demand and decide for me, pressuring me to stop seeing her, writing over 15 letters... only to have her jump ship... i wish you guys were here to post this stuff for her to see.. maybe i will show her... and she will realise what she has done..

 

how can she be scared of a future with me, when she said she can imagine herself being happy?? How scary is that to be happy?? I mean.. why am i still not associating with my co-worker, not even talking to her trying to mend things when this has happened to me.. i should probably tell her that her demands do not mean a thing anymore since she is so confused.. i will give her time but i will not stop seeing my co-worker outside of work hours...

 

This post has waken me up!! It really has as to how much pressure i put on her and how mserable i am trying to win someone back that is so confused.. Doesn't give me much faith in her when she is so confused so what i can do is make she i am happy even if that means going against her previous wishes.. how can she be confused and still demand that i not see the co-worker right?? She should show some respect for me too...