I'm new and in need of a place to vent...

[ann09]

I have been doing a lot of research online about divorce, mediation, effects of divorce on kids etc and came across this forum. So nice to have so many questions answered in one spot.

 

I am 40 yrs old, been married for 14 years, 3 children - and not in love with my husband. He, on the other hand, loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Me, not so much.

 

It's a long, drawn out story and I am not sure where I would begin. So I will just wrap this up with saying, I don't have feelings of love for my husband even though he is a decent husband. We have a beautiful home and 3 beautiful kids. He works, I don't. I have everything I have ever wanted except the marriage I have always wanted. We have been in therapy for a long time - but I know my feelings for him will never change. He is saddened and hurt beyond belief.

 

I come from a family where no one gets divorced. You MAKE it work. My family knows my plight and is supportive yet devastated. My mom keeps telling me I need to make this work and not "destroy my family". My husband wants to do everything we can to stay together. Sadly, I love him like a brother - and I don't know too many people that want to sleep with their brothers.

 

There is more to my story but I feel so new here and not yet willing to disclose everything. Just wondering if there are any others out there that are in my situation. Where one is in love with the other - but the other just wants it to be over?

[Jinxies]

Hi, sounds like you are in a similar situation to the one I found myself in. I also had been with my husband for 14 years. I no longer had those rush of emotions that would fill my heart with love. No passion. No overwhelming heart warming feelings. No yearnings for physical contact... uncomfortable physical moments...

 

The counselor said we had developed into a mother/son relationship. He loved me. He didn't want to break up. He had no idea my feelings had so changed.

 

I couldn't help it though. He would say to me, "I wish you had a switch I could flip and you'd love me again." and I would respond, "I wish you had a switch I could flip and you wouldn't love me anymore."

 

I couldn't change my perception or view of him. I was tired... frustrated... and just ready to move on.

 

In the end, I suppose you should sit down and go through the pros and the cons of your situation. That's what I did... of course, leaving your husband and working out the details of the kids is a huge risk, you could easily make things worse... or things could get better. It's an unknown. Staying put is very known to you. You have to decide what you want. Not you as the mother... not you as the wife... but you as the woman that you are.

[feelingempty]

Im on this board for current problems,what I`m coming to realize

is History : I was married at 19 for 15 years, divorced with 3 small children, dated for a bite fun but not that much fun, single and living with a guy for 2 years he moved into my place not good in the end, single again for 2 years lived it up met a sweetheart sold my home and got a home with him, 5years later( him working out of town¨) and blended family on top. It was work and work even though we loved each other something went wrong bad. So what I``m saying is the grass isn`t as green over the fence like you think ! If he is abusive get out but If you are truly unhappy leave the same be forwarned be strong!!!!!!!It is bumpy as heck ride. :-) I feel like crying though I`m trying to stay strong

[ann09]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I know the grass isn't always greener on the other side. But it has to be better than this, right?

 

One thing I have realized is that i don't think I have ever been "in love" with him. So sad. We were 25 when we got married. I think I was more in love with the idea of getting married than in him. He was different than anyone I had ever been with. Driven, smart, successful. My family loved him (still do) and approved. We got along and he was the "right guy" to marry...or so I believed.

 

I chalk this all up to being immature - I didn't know what I wanted back then. Some people do. but I was very young for 25. I have changed sooo much since then. Grown up a lot.

 

I thought having kids would fix all the feelings I had in me and bring us closer together. I got so absorbed in raising my children I put my marriage on the least of my priority list.

 

We've gone through therapy but the feelings just aren't there for me at all. I look at my kid's faces and am devastated for them - but I can't see myself living like this much longer. Hurting him has to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do. And I feel selfish most of the time. He has given me so much - a wonderful life. But everything I have are just "things". I would rather have happiness than lots of "things".

[hopesndreams]

It's a shame your H missed out on someone that would/could have loved him for 14 years. He must be devastated beyond belief that his life with you turned out to be such a lie.

 

Hopefully, when you do leave him, he can find someone to love and cherish him for the rest of his life.

[LakesideDream]

Been here, felt this. It's such an unbalanced situation. He loves her, loves his children, is the best dad and husband he can be. She "married to young".

 

So..... he's gonna be left holding the bag. 14+ years wasted. Trust, maybe impossible for life. Good work Ann09. You are young enough you might be able to do it to someone else if you hurry......

 

Walk away Wives, the scourge of the 21st Century. Another Change You Can Believe In.

[Smilemaker100]

I have been doing a lot of research online about divorce, mediation, effects of divorce on kids etc and came across this forum. So nice to have so many questions answered in one spot.

 

I am 40 yrs old, been married for 14 years, 3 children - and not in love with my husband. He, on the other hand, loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Me, not so much.

 

It's a long, drawn out story and I am not sure where I would begin. So I will just wrap this up with saying, I don't have feelings of love for my husband even though he is a decent husband. We have a beautiful home and 3 beautiful kids. He works, I don't. I have everything I have ever wanted except the marriage I have always wanted. We have been in therapy for a long time - but I know my feelings for him will never change. He is saddened and hurt beyond belief.

 

I come from a family where no one gets divorced. You MAKE it work. My family knows my plight and is supportive yet devastated. My mom keeps telling me I need to make this work and not "destroy my family". My husband wants to do everything we can to stay together. Sadly, I love him like a brother - and I don't know too many people that want to sleep with their brothers.

 

There is more to my story but I feel so new here and not yet willing to disclose everything. Just wondering if there are any others out there that are in my situation. Where one is in love with the other - but the other just wants it to be over?

 

Ann, thanks so much for your honesty! I really feel pity for you - especially because of the situation with your kids. Don't your kids deserve to see you happy? I can't imagine seeing my mother complain about my father all the time and mention how she hates being married to the wrong fellow- that would break my heart. I think it depends how old your kids are.

 

If your children are too young (ie.toddler, infants), they will miss their father's presence (depending on the custodian agreement) but they won't remember the divorce as much. It will be hard for you to raise them alone (if you are the main custodian) without a strong supportive social network. If they are older (pre-teens), they will have more understanding of the situation but at the same time, they will probably have a harder time dealing with it. Kids sometimes blame themselves for the divorce and there is a risk that they will need to talk to a social consellor of some type. If they are teenagers, it is hard to predict - it varies according to the child. Perhaps my generalizations are wrong - I suppose you are a better judge of how your children will react to your news.

 

Happiness can happen post-divorce - I have a friend who is a nurse. In all the years I have known her (about 9 years now), she has been a happy woman. Her first marriage was much like the one you described- she was young and more in love with the idea of being married as oppose to the actual person she was marrying. She is presently a divorced mother of 3 and her second spouse is a divorced father of 2. They are very happy together. They have shared custody of their children and sometimes (about twice a year) take all 5 kids on vacation together. When her children are with her ex-husband, she is still very much involved with their lives - she talks to them every day on the phone and checks up on their homework.

 

I occasionally lurk the marriage/divorce threads to get an idea about what marital relationships are all about. Your story simply backs up my belief in regards to most marriages I know about - most of them are a SHAM! I say this despite the fact that my parents have been happily married for over 30 years. I am so glad I never rushed into a marriage and had children under the wrong conditions.

 

Most people get married far too young when they aren't a completely mature individual. They get married out of desperation - out of fear of dying alone or not finding someone by a certain age- as if there was a deadline for getting married. I can cite examples of marriages I know about which should have never happened:

 

1) A male friend that I had rejected when I was about 20 years old (he wanted to marry me), very quickly and aggressively pursued a friend of mine and married her soon after she got dumped by her great love. He always wanted to have children, she never wanted children. Right from the start, it was a disaster in the making. Nine years later, she chats online with various men and even meets up with them. They don't have children. In my presence, he occasionally sarcastically mentions this great love of hers that left her and suggests that they pass by to visit his workplace. Since I am a friend to this couple, I can't mention anything about the chatting business.

 

2) A colleague of mine - she got married because the families knew each other and they were the same ethnicity. Her husband was a skirt chaser and she was afraid of losing him. She caught him "in the act" with another woman. So how does she save her marriage? By getting pregnant. Her parents-in-law end up raising her child while she finished her studies. She has an affair of her own. Now they are together for the sake of the child , to "keep face" with their ethnic community, for material comfort (they both earn good dough).

 

3) A former friend of mine that is an only child and fought obesity most of her life. She always complained about being left alone after her parents passed away. She was a very pretty girl but had a low self esteem and gained weight easily because of the "comfort food". She met various guys through online dating services. She managed to find one guy who wanted to marry her within 6 months of knowing her. This fellow was not exactly a winner- didn't have a full time job and was quite overweight. Fast forward a year later, I happen to see her at a common friend's birthday party. She was double the weight than the last time I saw her and she didn't exactly look like the happy camper.

 

4)A very good friend of mine. She had not had a serious boyfriend until she met this fellow at the age of 26. She was very good attractive and intelligent but had some self esteem issues which I think stemmed from the fact that her mother was mentally unfit to raise her and she was adopted by some relatives. She started dating this fellow that I never really believed was good enough for her. As a friend, I want the best for my friends - I want them to be happy. He confided to her that he had cheated on a previous live-in girlfriend that he had and I was very upset when I heard about that. Also, he gets drunk on a regular basis and insults her when he is drunk. Some years pass by and they get married. Since she was very happy with him, I never mentioned my disapproval at the risk of losing her friendship, however, I distanced myself from her. I attended their marriage and I really hope for the best...however, i think she married "Mr available" as oppose to "Mr compatible".

 

5) Another colleague of mine - he chased me for an entire year. Various gestures he made indicated that he was very attracted to me. I was not interested in him but was cordial in the way that colleagues are. He had a girlfriend he was clearly not interested in but being as unattractive as he was, he had a low self esteem. She was very vicious with me and said some inappropriate comments. Since I clearly rejected him, and this girlfriend was desperate to get married to him, he married her. The fact that her parents were loaded with money didn't hurt his reasons for marrying her.

 

6) A childhood friend of my dad - he was divorced and met a divorced doctor who was overweight and unattractive - he clearly married her for her money and not out of love. He loved to talk about his boat, his estate etc. Some inappropriate comments he made in regards to his second wife. For reasons I won't get into here, my dad is no longer friends with this fellow.

 

7) A couple that was friends with my parents for a number of years - she married him for his money and he married her because she looked like a "sweet submissive Fillipino" that was going to make a nice housewife and mother. About 30 years later, they are the very picture of happiness. They fight about money all the time (even though they have accumulated a lot of savings and investments), she works two jobs as a nurse (she always worked overtime - never stayed at home with the kids even though her husband earned enough dough- they were raised by nannies) and their 3 daughters try to avoid associating with their mother.

 

I can cite at least another dozen marriages I know about which are not exactly picture perfect. I feel very blessed that I have had the opportunity to do some careful reflection over the years and reading threads relating to marriages and divorce on Loveshack only makes me realize that: 1) It is better to wait than be sorry - too many people get married in haste 2) Love can happen at any age 3) I can be perfectly happy alone and be a "complete" person. In fact, at this stage in my life, I am stronger than a lot of women who are married that completely emotionally rely on their husbands to give them validation.

 

Thanks, Loveshack members. Thanks, for sharing your stories and sparing me unwanted pain.

[isthisallthereis]

I joined these forums seeking help, but if the last two replies are any indication, I may be in the wrong place.

 

Ann09: Good luck with your decision. I'm not sure if I am in the same situation or not, as H and I have not discussed marital issues in a long time. It must be difficult to make your decision.

 

Jinxies: I'm new to the forum. Did you leave your marriage? Was it the right decision for you? How did you make the final decision?

[Smilemaker100]

There is a typo that I can't seem to edit - doesn't work. I meant to write that the couple that were friends with my parents (Fillipino woman) are the picture of UNhappiness after 30 something years of marriage. They fight constantly in the presence of friends...won't get into further details here.

[RedDevil66]

I feel this is a huge issue when marrying young. The spouse you pick in your 20's, would not be the same spouse you pick in your 40's.

 

Having said that, I was with a guy for 7 yrs when I was 16. In the end, I loved him like a brother. There was no chance ever I would have romantic feelings for him again.

 

I left him. We were young, he would survive and we could both start over. And we did

21 yrs later, him and I are still best friends :-) He's my gym partner and we never lost contact. We've both been friends with our SO's.

 

If you know for sure you can never love your husband like man/wife, then yes, you need to take steps to leave.

Sometimes being apart can make you see your spouse differently also.

 

It seems like you've tried a lot like therapy and such, but you just cannot control what the heart wants.

 

Can you try a trial separation?

[Aksion]

I joined these forums seeking help, but if the last two replies are any indication, I may be in the wrong place

 

You're not in the wrong place at all, there are plenty that will help, don't stray so quickly.

 

However, I feel the same way the two of them do. I'm not the even close to the same age as her H, but I do feel right now as if I wasted the past 6 years of my life on someone that just up and left everything I ever did for her. I gave up college and even my own health at times for her. So I get where they are coming from.

[ann09]

Ok let me clarify something. Yes, I got married "young" although there are plenty of people that wouldn't consider marrying at 25 young. I look back now and realize that I was young - and probably not ready. But I wanted to marry him and made that decision. Any doubts I had I chalked up to being immature and needing to grow up. I tried so hard.

 

It wasn't always an awful marriage. I thought it would work. We have shared a lot together in 14 years. We have had 3 kids together and for the most part, have held together a happy family. I never understood why I wasn't fully happy. I pushed those feelings to the side for years. I can remember being curled up in bed in a fetal position crying my eyes out years and years ago and him asking what was wrong and me saying, "I just don't know!" And i didn't. His advice was always to go buy myself something so I could feel better.

 

He has been a decent husband but also a very controlling one. Someone on here posted something about a mother/son relationship. Well this has been more of a father/daughter one. He has controlled pretty much everything and has been more of a father to me than anything. I never realized this until I myself seeked therapy.

 

Since July we have been going to therapy. I have been honest with him and there has been many tears. We have finally come to an agreement that to move ahead with this is for the best. I bawled my eyes out last Sunday because I realized this is about to become so final. Trust me, this isn't how I saw my life turning out. I had high hopes that I would be married forever. I can't help my feelings for him. Theyre just not there. Trust me, if I could make this work, I would. But then I would be living a lie. I've grown and changed.

 

Please don't judge - you don't know my situation and what I have been going through internally for the the last 5 years. This isn't like I have woken up and said "yeah I am done with him now". It isn't like that. I am fully aware of the hurt I am causing him and it kills me. I do care deeply for him and he knows this.

 

I wouldn't wish this on anyone. He isn't in an easy position yet neither am I. Just because one decides to end a marriage - doesn't make that person a bad guy. People change. Feelings change. It's part of life.

[ann09]

Been here, felt this. It's such an unbalanced situation. He loves her, loves his children, is the best dad and husband he can be. She "married to young".

 

So..... he's gonna be left holding the bag. 14+ years wasted. Trust, maybe impossible for life. Good work Ann09. You are young enough you might be able to do it to someone else if you hurry......

 

Walk away Wives, the scourge of the 21st Century. Another Change You Can Believe In.

 

 

And I have tried to be the best wife I can be also. But when you stop feeling that love, what are you supposed to do? Stay? And let resentment build up? What happens when my kids grow up and move out? Am I forced to pretend I am fully happy? You don't know how hard I have tried and how long I tried to suppress my feelings. I even went to therapy by myself to understand why I was feeling what I was. He thought maybe I just was depressed - that it had to be my problem.

This isn't something I seeked out to do. I married him and thought it would be forever. That nagging doubt that crept up in me was awful - and yes, I should have done something about it years ago. But I wanted everything to work out.

Sigh. it's very hard to explain - even to myself at times.

[Smilemaker100]

I wouldn't wish this on anyone. He isn't in an easy position yet neither am I. Just because one decides to end a marriage - doesn't make that person a bad guy. People change. Feelings change. It's part of life.

 

And this is exactly why it is always better to be a strong individual entering a relationship - to have the strength to stay in one or to end one. With years and experience comes wisdom- I am sorry you had to learn this way.

 

Make your own happiness- never rely on someone else to give you happiness . If you never lose your inner happiness no man can ever take it away from you. Just as you said "people change, feelings change, it's part of life". Those statements are very powerful and true. I always try to give the best of myself to others but not everyone deserves it. Be selective who you chose to trust, support and cherish.Being single again is a great opportunity to explore your spiritual growth and freedom to be or do as you please. You were blessed with 3 kids - 3 beautiful reasons to keep on living...I wish you lots of strength,wisdom and good luck.

[RedDevil66]

read the book "Eat, Pray, Love"

 

tells a story like yours

[ann09]

Btw, I have read every word to every reply. Just hard to comment on all of them. but thank you. Even the ones that are hard to read. I appreciate all points of views and everyone's honesty.

 

I will go get that book tomorrow. Thank you.

[Smilemaker100]

read the book "Eat, Pray, Love"

 

tells a story like yours

 

I just finished reading that book a few weeks ago and lent it to a friend. I actually wouldn't mind rereading it . It made me reflect, cry and laugh. Elizabeth Gilbert has a flair for the written word - it was hard to put it down. I found so much of myself reflected in that book in certain aspects. Ann, you won't regret that read. It will really lift your spirits! If you have a chance, (depending on your children's ages and babysitting availability) travel - it is a good way to distance yourself from everything (in certain respects) and refreshen your mind.

[2.50 a gallon]

Being as you are the one wanting to leave, are you going to give him 50/50 child custody?

 

What about alimony? Are you going to support yourself? Are you going to stick him for travel plans.

 

Age 25, too young. What did you not understand about "until death do we part"?

 

Watch out for the Karma bus, it might take years. You have no idea what you are doing to your kids.

[carhill]

OP, is your H much older than you?

 

Do you expect your lifestyle to change as you transition from marriage to single life? If you do, have you factored that into your balance?

 

Has the M been infidelity-free, as far as you know?

 

How has therapy helped you, beyond accepting that your feelings for your H are not those of 'in love'?

 

What do you think your responsibility is, moving forward and ending this marriage? Why?

 

Have you ever been 'in love' with anyone? I accept that you recognize at the emotional level you may have never been/were never 'in love' with your H; I'm seeking to better understand your point of reference for the psychology. Were you infatuated with your H? Have you been in love with someone else?

 

In reading LS, perhaps due to the sample size, this 'love but not in love' phenomenon seems to be an aspect primarily of women's psychology. I rarely see it mentioned by men. Do you know what your attraction triggers are? I ask because, by your own sharing, you've identified aspects of your H which would be/are attractive to many women, with the main negative being controlling behavior. Any thoughts on that? Identifying your attraction style might not help your M, but IMO is a great opportunity to learn for the next relationship.

 

Before July, when was the last time you were in MC? I ask only because you related you were in therapy 'a long time' and I was relating that to July. A few months isn't really 'a long time' in the marriage counseling business. It's a good beginning

 

You sound like a thoughtful lady. I hope you can retain that perspective during the process. Best wishes

[ann09]

Being as you are the one wanting to leave, are you going to give him 50/50 child custody?

 

What about alimony? Are you going to support yourself? Are you going to stick him for travel plans.

 

Age 25, too young. What did you not understand about "until death do we part"?

 

Watch out for the Karma bus, it might take years. You have no idea what you are doing to your kids.

 

I absolutely will give him 50/50 child custody. This isn't about wanting to screw him over or take his children away from him. All I want from him is to have our kids taken care of.

 

Your last sentence hit me very hard. The reason I have stayed so long is because of my kids. The reason I lie awake every night is because of my kids. But then I realize how much of a better mother I am when he isn't around and I'm not sad. I also realize my kids have never witnessed a happy, affectionate marriage and I don't want them to think this is what marriage is supposed to be like. We don't fight - and when we discuss all this it's never around the kids.

 

Ugh. Having a hard time catching my breath after reading that line.

[ann09]

OP, is your H much older than you?

 

Do you expect your lifestyle to change as you transition from marriage to single life? If you do, have you factored that into your balance?

 

Has the M been infidelity-free, as far as you know?

 

How has therapy helped you, beyond accepting that your feelings for your H are not those of 'in love'?

 

What do you think your responsibility is, moving forward and ending this marriage? Why?

 

Have you ever been 'in love' with anyone? I accept that you recognize at the emotional level you may have never been/were never 'in love' with your H; I'm seeking to better understand your point of reference for the psychology. Were you infatuated with your H? Have you been in love with someone else?

 

In reading LS, perhaps due to the sample size, this 'love but not in love' phenomenon seems to be an aspect primarily of women's psychology. I rarely see it mentioned by men. Do you know what your attraction triggers are? I ask because, by your own sharing, you've identified aspects of your H which would be/are attractive to many women, with the main negative being controlling behavior. Any thoughts on that? Identifying your attraction style might not help your M, but IMO is a great opportunity to learn for the next relationship.

 

Before July, when was the last time you were in MC? I ask only because you related you were in therapy 'a long time' and I was relating that to July. A few months isn't really 'a long time' in the marriage counseling business. It's a good beginning

 

You sound like a thoughtful lady. I hope you can retain that perspective during the process. Best wishes

 

 

I know my post was confusing. And I came off originally pretty cold - and I am not that way. I love my husband and care for him - but not in the way a wife should love her husband. But it's taken me a long time to recognize this. I have been in therapy for a long time - but we were in marriage therapy since July.

 

It's not that the past 14 yrs have been awful. Back 14 yrs ago I had only been in relationships with "bad guys". When I started dating my husband he was different than anyone I had ever been with (we're the same age btw). I remember thinking that he was the marrying type. We had our share of fun and made great memories. I did love him. I had the highest hopes. But looking back, I don't remember ever having those feelings of being in love. I have never been extremely attracted to him physically. But I thought being attracted to his mind was enough.

 

While I admit he's a good guy - he hasn't been the best husband and does put a lot of the blame on this on himself. But I do believe he could have been the best husband if I had been a better wife to him. I don't blame him. I blame me. I have tried in the past to reverse these feelings somehow. I have tried to dig deep in search of anything that might help me stay and stick this marriage out. But came up with nothing.

 

I am afraid of staying and then having big regrets in 20 years. I don't want to look back and think "I should have made myself happy when I was 40". I know that if I stay - I will be miserable and over time it will kill my soul.

[giotto]

Your last sentence hit me very hard. The reason I have stayed so long is because of my kids. The reason I lie awake every night is because of my kids. But then I realize how much of a better mother I am when he isn't around and I'm not sad. I also realize my kids have never witnessed a happy, affectionate marriage and I don't want them to think this is what marriage is supposed to be like. We don't fight - and when we discuss all this it's never around the kids.

 

Ugh. Having a hard time catching my breath after reading that line.

 

same here... difficult one. I'm the husband on the receiving end, although our situation is quite complex. We never discuss anything in front of the children and we are staying together for them. But I often think: this is how they will see marriage, this is how they think marriage should be. And it's not. They know that we are not happy (well, at least the two older ones). Is this a good example? There is no affection in our marriage. No holding of hands, no hugs and has been like this for ages. Funnily enough, it's exactly like my parents' marriage and I swore that my marriage would never be like that. How wrong I was! I don't know how old your youngest is, but maybe you can wait a little bit? Good luck!

[ann09]

Btw Carhill - your idea about attraction style is very interesting.

 

I'm not attracted to him physically - and overtime I have realized I can't stand his "smell". Does this make sense? I am not trying to be cruel here. He is a clean man - showers everyday etc. But over the last few years I realize that his smell....whether it's on him, his clothes in our closet, or when I get into his car - completely bothers me. Not sure if I am making sense here.

 

He is not a bad looking man. He has been working out like a maniac to better himself - and I look at him and think "he looks great" and I am happy and proud of him - but I still don't have the desire in me for him. I wish I did. My life would be so much easier.

 

There is way more to attraction then physical appearance. It goes way beyond that. I am not superficial - there is much more to this story but it would take 2 days to fully explain myself.

[ann09]

same here... difficult one. I'm the husband on the receiving end, although our situation is quite complex. We never discuss anything in front of the children and we are staying together for them. But I often think: this is how they will see marriage, this is how they think marriage should be. And it's not. They know that we are not happy (well, at least the two older ones). Is this a good example? There is no affection in our marriage. No holding of hands, no hugs and has been like this for ages. Funnily enough, it's exactly like my parents' marriage and I swore that my marriage would never be like that. How wrong I was! I don't know how old your youngest is, but maybe you can wait a little bit? Good luck!

 

My oldest is 12 and my youngest is 7. I almost feel like I have waited too long - that maybe they would have been better off if I did this years ago.

 

I know exactly what you mean - it bothers me that my kids never see us hold hands or kiss. Makes me sad. My parents had a wonderful marriage (still do) and were constantly hugging and kissing - to the point where we kids would be "grossed out". But I remember having that secure, warm feeling inside knowing my parents loved eachother so much. And I am devastated my kids don't have that.

I have been reading so much about the effects of divorce on kids. And it petrifies me.

[giotto]

My oldest is 12 and my youngest is 7. I almost feel like I have waited too long - that maybe they would have been better off if I did this years ago.

 

I know exactly what you mean - it bothers me that my kids never see us hold hands or kiss. Makes me sad. My parents had a wonderful marriage (still do) and were constantly hugging and kissing - to the point where we kids would be "grossed out". But I remember having that secure, warm feeling inside knowing my parents loved eachother so much. And I am devastated my kids don't have that.

I have been reading so much about the effects of divorce on kids. And it petrifies me.

 

yes, it's a horrible thing. When we briefly separated, I just could not leave them and slept in my office in our house. I just could not break their hearts, despite what my friends were telling me... At least you are a bit younger than me! My youngest is 8, so in 10 years time, when she will be ready to flee the nest, I will be 56! You see, I just wish my wife told me 10 years ago, although there were already signs... But I decided to ignore them, or I just didn't want to see them. I think you did the right thing by telling him. My wife just waited too long, but I believe she didn't know for sure either and we had our problems. Also, she is the worst person ever at communicating...