Do you ever feel compromised?

[Mrs_AJ]

Hi guys,

 

Certain events have been taking place between me and my SO, events which are making me feel needy, belittled and compromised. Just to re-cap, both me and my SO are medical students. I'm in the UK, he is on a Carribean Island. We have hectic schedueles, his being more gruesome than mine. Nevertheless...

 

I want to ask - is it acceptable for your SO to:

 

1. Not text back.

 

This happened to me 2 weeks ago. He went to a nearby Island where he had clinical rotations and was doing night shifts. But he never texted me to say this before he left. And his phone was not workng on that ISland. I went through hell, I called 20+ times and texted and emailed. I cried as I found it very stressful and worrying. And according to him due to his scheduele, he couldn't take time out to email or contact me. For 8 freaking days! I explained how this was unacceptable, and he appologised later and said that he was angry as I had blasted him in a text just before he left. ( I did this because he didnt contact me for 3days before he left and after 6 texts of mine).

 

2. To go out during the middle of a conversation you are having on messenger because his/hers internet broke down, without texting you and saying "Listen, sorry internet is down and am going for dinner. Have a good night, and I'll text you tomorrow. Let's talk then."

 

He did this tonight. He went offline in the middle of a conversation, I then decided to call him a little later. He was out. I just felt stupid. The phone cut (skype problems) and I didn't call back. Not wanting to ruin his only evening out in months, I just texted him saying have a good time. He didnt text back.

 

I think that these little occurences; not texting me back, not keeping in touch the way I need him to, have built up in me and left me feeling angry with myself. There have been several instances where I've had to explain to him how this has made me feel. We text on average 2wice a day - 1) Come online let's have a chat and 2) Good nite. We're currently chatting most evenings, but we cut down when we have exams.

 

But for me, a text is a conversation. It's your SO, the person who you only have contact with through these means, engaging with you, wanting to say or convey something. By not replying, or even delaying a reply when you're free to text back is for me unacceptable and careless.

 

There is a lot on stake. He is coming to the Uk for a year to do rotations here so we can spend that time together. So he is commited, I believe him. I know he loves me much.

 

Am I wrong? I am worried about these communication issues will make me resentful in the end. Because for every time something like this occurs, I feel a dislike and am dissapointed for liking him. Like a feeling of - I deserve better than this and better than him. And after having cried to my best friend about it, I feel embarrased when I tell her his excuse. Because I can tell that she doesn't approve. And that I have gone blind.

 

And yes, believe me. I have told him what I expect in terms of communication and he know it is reasonable. All I need is to be updated.

 

He has left me feeling sad tonight. But I am almost embarrased to discuss this with him. It seems as if I am the one having an issue with communication all the time. But I;m not. He is.

 

What do I do? Should I just back off?

[Person012345]

When my internet goes down I always text my S.O. to let her know. I know she can't text me back due to problems with her phone company. But I couldn't leave her just wondering. And omg, 8 days? Without talking or telling you what's going on? That would kill me. I'd say you should have a talk with him. My opinion.

[2sunny]

i think his actions are terribly selfish and self centered... not to mention childish.

 

does he purposefully hurt you in other ways, even if small?

 

i can't imagine a life with a man so self absorbed... come on - busy is one thing... but NO time in 8 days? that's just blatantly mean.

 

what keeps you from breaking up with him? he would certainly get the message loud and clear that his actions are not to be tolerated, yes? and you would then have the peace of mind that someone else isn't jerking you around for some sense of expecting common decency.

[2sunny]

i read through some of your past posts... have you actually met and spent time with this guy? it appears that you may not have even met him...

 

please tell me you haven't ever sent him money...

[shouldaknown]

Sorry wrong posting ...lol

 

Edited November 7, 2009 by Mishileena
dumb :)

[Els]

I would feel compromised too. 8 days!??!

[Mrs_AJ]

Thanks for all your replies guys.

 

They've left me feeling a bit...embarrased again I think. I read them and thought this is what I would say to someone posting something similair to me.

 

I know...8 days. We did talk about it. Before he left I had texted him for 3 days, with no reply. He said that he had night shift, 12 hours, at the hospital and then came home drained and hit the bed.

When he texted back day 3 he only said " Where are you?? I'm online!!" Can you imagine how I felt? We usually text at least once/day so I was getting worried something had happened. I texted him back saying what a careless idiot he was etc. That text message upset him. He had sneaked in to use the internet at the hospital, something they are not allowed to do, to chat to me. We obviously did not chat. And he left that evening to a different Island for another 8 days ( I DID NOT KNOW THIS 'TILL HE WAS BACK).

 

I understand he didnt have access to his phone as it wasn't working. But Internet? Come on, you can get on the internet wherever you are, especially when surrounded with students with laptops.

 

What this has done is that it has made me question him. Not whether he is up to something, but just as a person that I may not cope with when it comes to communication. No, I don't feel he has ever purposefully tried to hurt me, even a small thing. But it may be that he is taking me for granted, and thinks that these things are minor.

 

2sunny - yes you're right. I think he is self-absorbed in himself and his studies. I suppose he has to be to survive it. I have never met him in person yet. I do feel I know him to a great extent though as we've been in LDR for over a year, chatting, talking and web cam. He was due to come here, but I had plans and then he couldn't make it. He is however coming in May10 to stay for a year.

 

I didnt receive a text from him last night either. What I hate about all of this is that it makes me feel a "weaker" person for letting these things go or a "needy" person who seems to be discussing issues all the time, asking for consistency.

 

These miscommunications are affecting me; affecting my studies, affecting my personality and I don't think it is healthy.

 

Is it possibly better to just back off and let him contact me when he wants to? I don't want to break up with him over this. He is a good guy overall, very good.

 

Thank you so much for your advice. It helps me to hear your objective perspective.

[dgiirl]

If you guys have never met IRL, are you guys in a committed relationship? Have you both verbally agreed not to see other people?

[Mrs_AJ]

If you guys have never met IRL, are you guys in a committed relationship? Have you both verbally agreed not to see other people?

 

 

Yes, we are dgiirl. We did agree a long time ago and I'm not worried about this aspect at all. I am sure that he is commited to me. But I'm worried that he's taking me for granted and is not recognising that I am making more of an effort than he is. I sometimes don't feel appreciated. But worse than that; his lack of consistency in terms of communication is not making me feel good.

[Lucky_One]

What exactly is he doing to show his commitment to you?

 

1. Promising to come to the UK in 6 months to live and work for a year.

 

What else?

[Mrs_AJ]

What exactly is he doing to show his commitment to you?

 

1. Promising to come to the UK in 6 months to live and work for a year.

 

What else?

 

 

Many thanks for responding Lucky_One.

 

Well;

 

1. He has expressed his wish to marry me many times. He says he is sure that I am the one for him. I don't actually doubt that this is how he truly feels.

 

2. He has booked tickets to come to see me twice this year - first time I asked him to change the date due to scheduele clash and a fear of my own to meet him so soon. He then tried again in summer but it fell through due to passport problems. It expired 5days before his return flight. He was very sad about it. He lost the money he had saved for his ticket as well.

 

3. He will move to the UK to work and live after his training. This is because I can't work in the US without going through exams after exam and tough competition. So he has said that he will move and that I don't have to worry about this.

 

4. He does come and chat to me most times. It's the odd moments when he fails to respond that I don't get. But I am always the one initiating our chat time and texts. I am the initiator, him the responder. I am also the one who calls. He has called sometimes, especially if he has felt that things were not ok between us.

 

5. He has told his brother, mother and friends about me.

 

Everything between us are mainly promises for the future. What type of commitment did you mean Lucky_One? How does a guy in a LDR show commitment?

[2sunny]

his lack of effort and action shows that he is not interested enough to communicate regularly. he knows how you feel when he does this to you yet he continues on this way. does this sound like a caring man that loves you and would be willing to move mountains to be sure that you feel loved and happy?

 

i would back WAAAAAY off! allow him to see and feel that you find his inactions unacceptable and offensive.

 

unless you just want to continue rewarding his bad behavior by constantly contacting him begging for him to reach you. does this look desperate and needy to you too?

 

and BTW, if you've not met him... you don't really know him. you are just basing your premise of him by his words - which actually mean nothing... anyone can say or type anything they want to. his actions - or lack of - is your benchmark.

 

my gut says he's not into you - no time, no effort... equals no interest. ooops, except when it's just convenient for him to be reminded that someone cares.

[Els]

Assuming the guy had actually booked tickets before (I don't know her history, though), and it failed because of unavoidable problems, it surely can't be construed as a lack of effort.

 

I also disagree that you can't really know someone before meeting them. Oftentimes, when words are compelled to be the only medium of communication, people tend to be more open when talking about themselves, and greater emphasis is placed on truly knowing the person's mind, as opposed to if one was distracted by outward appearances and superficial activities.

 

But I digress. I agree that OP should back off.. the lack of contact is truly worrisome, IMO.

[Mrs_AJ]

his lack of effort and action shows that he is not interested enough to communicate regularly. he knows how you feel when he does this to you yet he continues on this way. does this sound like a caring man that loves you and would be willing to move mountains to be sure that you feel loved and happy?

 

i would back WAAAAAY off! allow him to see and feel that you find his inactions unacceptable and offensive.

 

unless you just want to continue rewarding his bad behavior by constantly contacting him begging for him to reach you. does this look desperate and needy to you too?

 

and BTW, if you've not met him... you don't really know him. you are just basing your premise of him by his words - which actually mean nothing... anyone can say or type anything they want to. his actions - or lack of - is your benchmark.

 

my gut says he's not into you - no time, no effort... equals no interest. ooops, except when it's just convenient for him to be reminded that someone cares.

 

2sunny, thank you for your advice. It was a little hard to take. Maybe because I know you are partly right. I'm not sure I agree with it all though.

 

The thing is I actually do believe he is into me, my gut instinct says THIS. He does chat to me, he cares, he listens and gives me advice about things. He is a good friend, fun to talk to and I have a lot in common with him. We've had our ups and down during this year, and many times I have had to learn to communicate my feelings and not just shut down on him. I have appologised for times that I made things difficult. I changed and it became much easier. When we talk, we can talk for ages.

 

However I do agree that I may not know all of him as I haven't met him. I agree.

 

I also agree that his actions are not sufficient as they clearly are causing upset to me. He was like this from the start. Not calling, expecting me to ring. Waiting for me to contact him. And if I didn't he would eventually do it. I always thought a guy "chases" a girl at first, to get her attention etc. When I said this to him he said that it doesn't matter who calls and it;s not about scoring points. I didn't agree, but I let go of it.

 

You said "he knows how you feel when he does this to you yet he continues on this way". I think you're right. And I think this statement made me decide not to call him tonight. I have to admit I was considering it. And I have to admit that maybe this is what he is expecting.

 

More than anything else, I'm spending quite some time thinking about these things. Time that I need to spend on my school work.

 

But thank you. You comments made me step back a bit and think. Maybe I just need encouragement to step back. I don't know. So thanks.

[Mrs_AJ]

Assuming the guy had actually booked tickets before (I don't know her history, though), and it failed because of unavoidable problems, it surely can't be construed as a lack of effort.

 

I also disagree that you can't really know someone before meeting them. Oftentimes, when words are compelled to be the only medium of communication, people tend to be more open when talking about themselves, and greater emphasis is placed on truly knowing the person's mind, as opposed to if one was distracted by outward appearances and superficial activities.

 

But I digress. I agree that OP should back off.. the lack of contact is truly worrisome, IMO.

 

Hi Elswyth,

 

He had booked the tickets. He gave me the info. for landing and I checked it on Heathrow Airport website to see which terminal he'd land at. So I don't doubt this. If I did, I would not have anything to do with him.

 

He is very open. So I would say that I know him well to make a judgement about him. But I also have to say that I may not know all of him as we haven't met yet. Yet still, I feel I know him better than some people around me.

 

Your advice is that I need to back off. I find this so hard to even think of. I think I've become used to making excuses for him. Is this not what you do for someone you love? I think this is a moment of fighting myself to do what is right. I just need to pick up the will and courage to do this.

 

He has become one of my best friends. So it's hard.

[2sunny]

i say these things from life experience and from an unemotional perspective - based on the info you have provided.

 

IF you decide to step back and see if he makes more effort - it will show you whether or not he is willing to spend a few minutes making you a priority in his busy life.

 

many men are terribly busy - they still find time to contact and connect every day. if it doesn't happen (if he doesn't make it happen) the closeness and level of intimacy is diminished. the relationship becomes lower on the list of priorities.

 

no woman should have to beg for contact. that is just backwards... you give him such power to treat you poorly in a situation like that.

 

even if he does contact... i would be slow to respond and cool on the approach. but that is just me...

 

he expects you to live with and be happy with little effort from his side. is this enough for you? that is what he has consistently offered with his inaction, expecting you to be satisfied. what if it NEVER changed through life (a person's original style of communicating rarely wavers), would you be happy about that?

 

decide, and stick to a boundary that keeps you happy, healthy and safe... otherwise you are shortchanging your happiness and future.

[2sunny]

my best friend would never communicate with me in such disregard... just pointing out your willingness to have a friend that mistreats you and your willingness to overlook the bad behavior as well as cover and make excuses that may or may not be real.

[Lucky_One]

1. He has expressed his wish to marry me many times. He says he is sure that I am the one for him. I don't actually doubt that this is how he truly feels.

 

Words, not actions. He has not proposed; he has not given you a ring; he has not worked on a plan with you for where you two will live as a family. On the flip side, I don't see how anyone CAN propose without having met - foolish and thoughtless if he HAD proposed. You simply can't judge chemistry online.

 

2. He has booked tickets to come to see me twice this year - first time I asked him to change the date due to scheduele clash and a fear of my own to meet him so soon. He then tried again in summer but it fell through due to passport problems. It expired 5days before his return flight. He was very sad about it. He lost the money he had saved for his ticket as well.

 

Actions - those are good. And what further action has he taken on coming to meet you?

 

3. He will move to the UK to work and live after his training. This is because I can't work in the US without going through exams after exam and tough competition. So he has said that he will move and that I don't have to worry about this.

 

At this point, words. He has not actually done this. He has talked about it. Has he sent you emails/copies/etc of definitive plans/agreements between him and the school or the hospital that will be employing him? Has he found a permanent address already, or retained an agent to help him locate living quarters?

 

. He does come and chat to me most times. It's the odd moments when he fails to respond that I don't get. But I am always the one initiating our chat time and texts. I am the initiator, him the responder. I am also the one who calls. He has called sometimes, especially if he has felt that things were not ok between us.

 

Actions, but easy and sketchily done. He is not a good consistent communicator.

 

5. He has told his brother, mother and friends about me.

 

Words. Has his mother called you to tell you how happy she is that her son has found his future wife? Are there plans to get together to meet? In other words, can you corroborate what he told his family about you? A very serious, long-term GF that he is hoping to marry, or did he tell them that you were a good friend from online?

 

How does a guy in a LDR show commitment?

 

How do we show commitment to each other? (I acknowledge that we are far closer (1.5 hours) although we both travel a LOT for work and are often on different sides of the US or in different continents.)

 

Well, we have a set communication schedule; we don't miss it. If he can't talk at the end of his work day bc a meeting runs over, he texts me to tell me so. We always tell each other good night, and if he is in the UK and I am in the states, then he says good morning when I tell him good night.

 

We see each other frequently, and we always have a schedule set up for the next monrh or so of when we will be together.

 

Holidays are spent together; the one with the easiest schedule at that time is the one who does the travelling to each other's families, but time is always made to spend at each family's home, even if it is very short/inconvenient/expensive. We speak with each other's families to coordinate Christmas and birthday gifts, and his mom even sent me her recipe for the cake he loves for his birthday.

 

We have a timeline on how our life together will progress. We are looking for a house in a town that is sort of halfway between our two residences now, and when his rental contract is up, he will move there. We will marry sometime during my son's senior year in HS, and then move in with him that summer; my son needs to stay at his current school for various reasons, and our desire to live together permanently is tempered by our joint desire to do what is best for my son.

 

We make decisions on vehicles together, vacation plans together, appliance purchases together, pet decisions together.

 

We share all aspects of our lives together, with the large exception of being able to spend every night in the same bed or even be in the same state.

[2sunny]

have you ever done a backround check on him? it is wise...

 

you have no idea if he has been absolutely honest with you. i would check.

 

he acts as a married or committed man would. only available to you when it's at HIS convenience.

 

i'd check, suddenly my MM radar is at full blast... i think there are things you don't know about him - especially since you have never actually met. this sort of strange stuff happens here all the time - wouldn't surprise me a bit - i bet he's married or have a full time girlfriend. ask him, and check his history. words are meaningless until proof is given.

[Mrs_AJ]

Words, not actions. He has not proposed; he has not given you a ring; he has not worked on a plan with you for where you two will live as a family. On the flip side, I don't see how anyone CAN propose without having met - foolish and thoughtless if he HAD proposed. You simply can't judge chemistry online.

 

 

 

Actions - those are good. And what further action has he taken on coming to meet you?

 

 

 

At this point, words. He has not actually done this. He has talked about it. Has he sent you emails/copies/etc of definitive plans/agreements between him and the school or the hospital that will be employing him? Has he found a permanent address already, or retained an agent to help him locate living quarters?

 

 

 

Actions, but easy and sketchily done. He is not a good consistent communicator.

 

 

 

Words. Has his mother called you to tell you how happy she is that her son has found his future wife? Are there plans to get together to meet? In other words, can you corroborate what he told his family about you? A very serious, long-term GF that he is hoping to marry, or did he tell them that you were a good friend from online?

 

 

 

How do we show commitment to each other? (I acknowledge that we are far closer (1.5 hours) although we both travel a LOT for work and are often on different sides of the US or in different continents.)

 

Well, we have a set communication schedule; we don't miss it. If he can't talk at the end of his work day bc a meeting runs over, he texts me to tell me so. We always tell each other good night, and if he is in the UK and I am in the states, then he says good morning when I tell him good night.

 

We see each other frequently, and we always have a schedule set up for the next monrh or so of when we will be together.

 

Holidays are spent together; the one with the easiest schedule at that time is the one who does the travelling to each other's families, but time is always made to spend at each family's home, even if it is very short/inconvenient/expensive. We speak with each other's families to coordinate Christmas and birthday gifts, and his mom even sent me her recipe for the cake he loves for his birthday.

 

We have a timeline on how our life together will progress. We are looking for a house in a town that is sort of halfway between our two residences now, and when his rental contract is up, he will move there. We will marry sometime during my son's senior year in HS, and then move in with him that summer; my son needs to stay at his current school for various reasons, and our desire to live together permanently is tempered by our joint desire to do what is best for my son.

 

We make decisions on vehicles together, vacation plans together, appliance purchases together, pet decisions together.

 

We share all aspects of our lives together, with the large exception of being able to spend every night in the same bed or even be in the same state.

 

 

Again, thank you for your comments Lucky_One.

 

I know these are just words of his and not actions. I have told him I would need to meet him of course and get to know him in person. He understands this. This is why he is coming to stay for some time so we can have that time together.

 

He told me which hospital he is coming to and the name of it. I believe him. He has already made the choice to come. If he indeed does not come - then I may re-think. Not because he couldn't make it or there were a change of plans. But because I would think that he actually doesn't follow through with things, for whatever reason and that I am not prepared to just wait for things to happen.

 

But no he hasn't sent me confirmation of this. I've never really felt I need confirmation. He has no reason to lie. He can't "gain" anything from me. He knows he can't fool me. And he has never asked me for anything. I think someone suggested whether I had sent him money. NO. So I do trust him. He's just not pulling his weight in terms of communication.

 

SO YES - I agree that he is not a consistent communicator. And this is causing me a lot of grief at times.

 

I haven't spoken to his mother. I am not ready to at this stage. I haven't met him yet, so wouldn't take it to the level of getting to know his mother.

 

I understand that you and your SO are very committed to each other and that your lives are very much interwoven. But I suppose that this came after having met each other, after time, effort and plans. And I like your scheduele. Maybe that is something we need to adopt.I am hoping that by him coming we can decide where we want to go with this.

 

I feel like I need to find a way to survive the next 2 months - he will then be leaving his flat in the Carribean to live in the States for 5 months for rotations before coming to the UK. I am hoping that his communication efforts will pick up in the States. I am saying this because 1) His internet is very very bad at the moment. It cuts out on us all the time and a conversation can take far longer to establish than expected due to this. 2) He can't tell me that it costs him to much to call. I know it's cheap enough from the States.

 

So all in all - it is a waiting game. I think I have already bought into his vision of what life we could have. I was reluctant to do so because of the way I am feeling right now. I get upset that he doesn't make a little more effort in texting me, calling me, emailing me. He called yesterday and I didn't recognise his voice. I was like "HAllooo???" . He called with a concerned voice. I hadn't contacted him all day so he thought I was in a foul mood. I was pleasently surprised he called and my heart warmed to him - of course. But I was also casual about it. I realised that this is because he doesn't call often.

 

Today is a long day. I haven't received anything from him. Being a weekend it would have been nice of him to text me. Even if he is busy.

 

I think I just have to wait and see. I have begun to put down the phone instead of texting him. I haven't been logged on to messenger. It's hard because it shouldnt be this way. But I don't want him to take me for granted. I feel that I have been giving more in this relationship than he has.

 

I don't know what else to do.

[Mrs_AJ]

have you ever done a backround check on him? it is wise...

 

you have no idea if he has been absolutely honest with you. i would check.

 

he acts as a married or committed man would. only available to you when it's at HIS convenience.

 

i'd check, suddenly my MM radar is at full blast... i think there are things you don't know about him - especially since you have never actually met. this sort of strange stuff happens here all the time - wouldn't surprise me a bit - i bet he's married or have a full time girlfriend. ask him, and check his history. words are meaningless until proof is given.

 

Hi 2sunny,

 

No...I haven't done a background check on him. Hahaha...if he was married or had a full time girlfriend, he sure is a fool for giving time to me.

He is on a carribean Island following a gruesome scheduele. At first I did check the uni website and was blown away by the amount of exams they have to undertake. I also have a girl-friend who studies on one of those Islands and knew how much she had to go through. So I don't think he has the time. =)

 

He is acting as if though he is "safe" with me. As if he doesn't have to put in all that much effort at the moment, although all I want is consistency so that I am not left hanging wondering whether he will contact me soon, what he is up to, how he is...etc.

 

I have backed off since I started writing this thread. I think it has helped me to read your responses. It just puts things into perspective.

 

I do miss him. You said that you would expect better from a friend. So would I. But I feel that my emotional attachment to him has made me overlook things I wouldn't do with others. I don't know if that makes sense. Thanks again though.

[Mrs_AJ]

Just to add, I have spoken to him about this many times before. I have told him how it makes me feel when he doesn't contact me and expects me to keep it up. The general response has been - ok, I am trying my best. This is my best. And sorry, I'll do better in the future.

 

When he called yesterday I did want to be casual. But I hinted that his communication efforts were not something I was pleased with. He said that he couldn't do more than he was, that he felt he had kept up with me and that he did his best. I told him that if he was to tell me that "HEy, hunny....this is what I need to feel valued in our relationship as it stand right now..." I would try to deliver it the best I can.

[Mei Mei]

Dear Mrs AJ,

 

My SO is very far away from me. He has also had a very tight life schedule, like very long working hours, much money spent on payment for ex-wives and kids. I am busy at work and need to take care of kids too. Due to the shortage of time, he has now just put me and his sons to his list of close contact. No matter how tired after working overnight, he never forget to contact me by all means. He tries to make time to online daily even this would make him sleep less. We did make three visits in this year though with our tight budget and time schedules.( Both of us need to work and I am a single mother for two kids). Sometimes I would ask him to rest and we only concern quality. He agrees to this but he understands his consistency would make me happy and secure and so he insists to do what is good for me. He is always saying that we can't take things for granted even we have been together for longer time. Communication, trust, honesty and commitment are cherished by us both.

[Mrs_AJ]

Dear Mrs AJ,

 

My SO is very far away from me. He has also had a very tight life schedule, like very long working hours, much money spent on payment for ex-wives and kids. I am busy at work and need to take care of kids too. Due to the shortage of time, he has now just put me and his sons to his list of close contact. No matter how tired after working overnight, he never forget to contact me by all means. He tries to make time to online daily even this would make him sleep less. We did make three visits in this year though with our tight budget and time schedules.( Both of us need to work and I am a single mother for two kids). Sometimes I would ask him to rest and we only concern quality. He agrees to this but he understands his consistency would make me happy and secure and so he insists to do what is good for me. He is always saying that we can't take things for granted even we have been together for longer time. Communication, trust, honesty and commitment are cherished by us both.

 

Hey Mei Mei,thank you for your input.

 

I agree that these 4 factors are important for stable relationships. I would like to reach that with him, but feel I haven't yet. It has been a year. But then we haven't met yet. I think he feels that he is commited to me. But I become wary of his behaviour at times.

 

I have taken a step back and not initiated contact. He texted me just now. Unusal of him I have to admit as I usually initiate most things. He said he missed me and hoped I had a good time with my family who I am visiting. It's nice though. Whilst for many this should be expected, for me it's a guessing game.

 

I think this "backing off" thing is working rather well. I feel better in myself. I feel like I am taking steps to regain control of my emotions. I'm busying myself with other things. YES, in the back of my mind though I am wondering how long it'll take before he misses my "prescence". He does what he does - it's really my choice to deal with it or not. I feel like crap when I make myself feel like crap. I don't want him to have such an influence on me.

 

I need to keep this up for 2 months and concentrate on my work. I have no other choice it seems. I'll see what happens after New Year.

 

Would you agree?

[Mei Mei]

Dear AJ,

 

Oh I think it is the best for you to concentrate on your own now. You seem to have little control of him, just wait and see if he will be more keen to you. But I see it is still flimsy of him as regards to your real heart towards him. He is not that committed, even i wonder if he is trustworthy.

 

Before you have met in real, you please always don't see things as absolutely those from online. To the worst, some guys take online as a mean to kill boring in study, stressful work , or boredom routine when their partners are not around. They can keep all their other part of life behind the screen.

 

So must protect yourself, just until he is showing his greater commitment, truthfulness, the initiative in active communication and arrangement for a real visit that is feasible will you be reconsider your relationship prospect!

 

Take care! You really a nice lady that deserve better!