Do you ever feel compromised?

[2sunny]

so why hesitate to do a back round check? spend 50.00 and gain some info he may never give you.

 

should be done anyway... before you invest in him any further, clear away the doubts. it's really the smart thing considering he was a virtual stranger who you've never met in real life. anyone can be anyone they want to be online and on the phone for limited amounts of time... just ask a number of posters on this site who have been duped BIG time by a man/woman being far away and has access to a computer and phone.

 

it almost happened to me... i corresponded with this REALLY nice man through a dating site and email. eventually he wanted to fly to me to meet him. his email showed his real name and he had mentioned where he previously lived... age of his daughters. so i figured - i'll do a back round check before he arrives... he had convictions for 78 counts of lots of criminal things!!! sooooo, i sent him the info and asked him if it was him... his ONLY response?

 

you are smarter than most women... i hope my daughters grow up to be equally as smart.

 

could you believe it? thing is, he was SO nice and sincere etc. but my gut said - just be safe and check it out. your safety is worth 50.00. i'm glad i did!

 

you should too!

[Rollercoasterr]

I never met Mathew until last year. the 13th of this month will be the one year anniversary of our first meeting. So trust me when I say that I know what it`s like to love someone you`ve never met. But then, I ALWAYS knew where Mathew was. We talked and phoned each other multiple times a day. We were inseparable. While his school work isn`t as hard as medical school, engineering school does take quite a bit of effort. But I still always heard from him.

 

His lack of communication is worrisome. But what also stands out to me is that you two have never met and he`s doing this. Yes, my MM radar is going off at this point. Has he ever forwarded you the confirmation emails from him booking his flights? Right after you purchase plane tickets they always send you an itinerary. Have you ever seen one, other than him just telling you which flights he is on? Anyone can go onto an airline website and search for a flight, it`ll even give you flight numbers. But that doesn`t mean that I`ve bought the ticket. Even if the conflicts were on your end as well, you still don`t know if he was actually ever planning to come. Considering that he acts like he`s only interested in you when its convenient for him, it seems highly unlikely that he was ever going to visit. I`m not saying this to be mean and hurtful, I`m saying it to be honest. I`ve been where you are now. I`ve fallen in love with the man I`ve never met. But my story is a lot different than yours, it seems.

 

Step back and be wary. That doesn`t mean you have to love him any less than you already do. That just means that you protect yourself and your heart. Get that background check. That doesn`t mean you don`t trust him, it also only means that you`re protecting yourself and your heart. This shows that you are truly no fool. You mentioned that he knows he can`t fool you. But what if he has already? What if he has been all along? Be smart. Do these things. You may thank us and yourself later, or you might just laught and call yourself silly. But at least then you`ll know.

 

Sorry for the weird apostrophe`s. I can`t figure out how to work Mathews french keyboard very well.

[Mrs_AJ]

Dear AJ,

 

Oh I think it is the best for you to concentrate on your own now. You seem to have little control of him, just wait and see if he will be more keen to you. But I see it is still flimsy of him as regards to your real heart towards him. He is not that committed, even i wonder if he is trustworthy.

 

Before you have met in real, you please always don't see things as absolutely those from online. To the worst, some guys take online as a mean to kill boring in study, stressful work , or boredom routine when their partners are not around. They can keep all their other part of life behind the screen.

 

So must protect yourself, just until he is showing his greater commitment, truthfulness, the initiative in active communication and arrangement for a real visit that is feasible will you be reconsider your relationship prospect!

 

Take care! You really a nice lady that deserve better!

 

Hey Mei Mei,

 

thanks for your kind words. I've never seen it like that till now - maybe I am a bit of escapism for him from his bored out medical school world. I'm a medical student myself but seem to balance it with life better than he is. It could be due to the fact that I've reached my clinicl stages were things sometimes are less hectic whereas he is studying his pre-clinical stage. He usually tells me the sweetest things, things that every woman would like to hear from her man. I don't know whether his feelings would be equally genuine when he is placed in a different scene from where he is now - school, home to his own flat, school, home and occasional outings. So yes, maybe I am his "fun" at the moment.

 

I find it hard to believe that he has a partner already. He seems a genuine guy. I guess you could meet someone in real life who had a partner and was hiding it from you. Has happened.

 

I have't initiated contact for 5 days now. Wow, I think I'm doing well!! =) In those 5 days, he has texted me once and called me once. If I was initiating contact ; I would have texted him twice a day and chatted to him probably 3 nights of those 5. Interesting statistics!! I think I have to keep up this non-initiating contact to see the results.

 

I think the problem is that somewhere along the way I allowed myself to really let go and just believe him totally. And although I do want to do that, I can also see that he is flimsy and mybe not responsible enough. So I will try to take care of myself better and see what he does about this quiet time. And I will take things for real once he has arranged to come here to visit and actully arrives.

 

Thanks Mei Mei, you're lovely too!! HUGS!!

[Mrs_AJ]

so why hesitate to do a back round check? spend 50.00 and gain some info he may never give you.

 

should be done anyway... before you invest in him any further, clear away the doubts. it's really the smart thing considering he was a virtual stranger who you've never met in real life. anyone can be anyone they want to be online and on the phone for limited amounts of time... just ask a number of posters on this site who have been duped BIG time by a man/woman being far away and has access to a computer and phone.

 

it almost happened to me... i corresponded with this REALLY nice man through a dating site and email. eventually he wanted to fly to me to meet him. his email showed his real name and he had mentioned where he previously lived... age of his daughters. so i figured - i'll do a back round check before he arrives... he had convictions for 78 counts of lots of criminal things!!! sooooo, i sent him the info and asked him if it was him... his ONLY response?

 

you are smarter than most women... i hope my daughters grow up to be equally as smart.

 

could you believe it? thing is, he was SO nice and sincere etc. but my gut said - just be safe and check it out. your safety is worth 50.00. i'm glad i did!

 

you should too!

 

2sunny,

 

I'm sorry this happened to you. Sounds very scary!! Especially since you thought the guy was sincere and really nice too!

 

I think when you apply to medical school they do a thorough background check on you for any serious convictions. They do here in England and I would think they did in the US as well. I will consider doing a background check on him- I'm just not entirely comfortable with the idea yet. Also - you won't believe it. I actually don't know how he spells his name fully. Say his name was Cristofer. I don't know whether he spells it Kristofer, Christopher or whatever ( i know, bad example). I know his name and I just spelled it the way I thought it should be spelled. But it can be spelt differently. Also when he emails he uses his short name, so in this instance say Chris plus surname. Which is entirely normal. Plus I don't know his home adress in the states. There was never any reason for me knowing it. I know which states though. Hm...

 

I think what you have highlighted to me 2sunny is that there are bad apples out there who appear as good as gold. Now I don't think he is a bad apple. I just think that maybe he won't be able to provide me with what I need. But I will be careful. Afterall it's my heart at stake.

 

Thanks a bunch! *Hugs*

 

p.s. I hope your daughters grow up to be wiser than me, i.e. as wise as you.

[Mrs_AJ]

I never met Mathew until last year. the 13th of this month will be the one year anniversary of our first meeting. So trust me when I say that I know what it`s like to love someone you`ve never met. But then, I ALWAYS knew where Mathew was. We talked and phoned each other multiple times a day. We were inseparable. While his school work isn`t as hard as medical school, engineering school does take quite a bit of effort. But I still always heard from him.

 

His lack of communication is worrisome. But what also stands out to me is that you two have never met and he`s doing this. Yes, my MM radar is going off at this point. Has he ever forwarded you the confirmation emails from him booking his flights? Right after you purchase plane tickets they always send you an itinerary. Have you ever seen one, other than him just telling you which flights he is on? Anyone can go onto an airline website and search for a flight, it`ll even give you flight numbers. But that doesn`t mean that I`ve bought the ticket. Even if the conflicts were on your end as well, you still don`t know if he was actually ever planning to come. Considering that he acts like he`s only interested in you when its convenient for him, it seems highly unlikely that he was ever going to visit. I`m not saying this to be mean and hurtful, I`m saying it to be honest. I`ve been where you are now. I`ve fallen in love with the man I`ve never met. But my story is a lot different than yours, it seems.

 

Step back and be wary. That doesn`t mean you have to love him any less than you already do. That just means that you protect yourself and your heart. Get that background check. That doesn`t mean you don`t trust him, it also only means that you`re protecting yourself and your heart. This shows that you are truly no fool. You mentioned that he knows he can`t fool you. But what if he has already? What if he has been all along? Be smart. Do these things. You may thank us and yourself later, or you might just laught and call yourself silly. But at least then you`ll know.

 

Sorry for the weird apostrophe`s. I can`t figure out how to work Mathews french keyboard very well.

 

Rollercoasterr,

 

I love your and Mathews story. =) I understand you talked and phoned each other much. However it would not be possible for my SO to keep that up as it would be so expensive. I wish he would at least call once a week, he know it makes me happy. I think he thinks it costs too much for a 20min call.

 

I agree his communication is poor. I mean it was horrible at first. I don't even know why I accepted it. But then I got used to it and I do hve feelings for him. I did speak to him about it many times, not in a needy way. He listened, but always maintained he was doing his best. So I don't even think I ever got through to him the way wanted. Why is it that he got to stick to his level of need when I got to settle for less. I mean when I am thinking about these things and writing them out - I just think I've given myself a bit too much.

 

Rollercoasterr he didn't forward me any confirmation of flights. In april09 I changed the plans. However within a weeks time I asked hm to keep them and that I would study harder now so that we could spend time together. He said he had changed the tickets to go home to the states already and paid $400 to have a change of tickets. I believed him, although I was unhappy that he was so quick to change plans when he is so slowwwww with everything else. He booked them via a travel agency in the states in which he lives. I don't think you get a confirmation email. He had to go home to the States to pick his tickets up and then travel from there to the UK. However this is when the travel agent realised that his passport would be out of date 5 days before his return flight. I don';t knwo how things work in the Sttes but would they not have checked his passport before booking the tickets? Also he left from the States to the Carribean ISland without a valid passport. He went on hi green card. And till this day he says he hasn't renewed the passport but will do it once he gets back there in Dec.

 

Also you said: he acts like he`s only interested in you when its convenient for him. You're right. Unfortunately he does. When he has time, when things are not hectic he looks for me. Otherwise he seems to be gone. I've told him this too. He said that he would do better. I told him that his residency would bring him more stress than med school so what then? When I am busy I still manage to text him, leave him a message or email. It's not hard.

 

I have stepped back and I am a little wary. It's not a nice feeling to have towards someone you like so much. And I do really really like him. So I hope he hasn't been fooling me. I'm sure he hasn't. But IF he has, and I find out that that was the case - my gain and his loss.

 

Thanks hun.

[Mrs_AJ]

Oh...

 

I don't know what this backing off thing entails. I've backed off. he called me today. Again I see this as a positive thing. I wish I wouldn't need to go down this line.

 

But now that I am;

 

What are the rules?

 

1. Do I contact him back when he contacts me? E.g. he asks me to come online to chat to him, I'm free - Do I go? I feel I should, right?

 

2. He calls me. I speak to him.

 

3. He texts me and I reply. I fI have time, now. If not later.

 

The "backing off" means that I don't initiate communication, but I do respond? Sorry to be so technical.

 

thanks

[Rollercoasterr]

I would suggest that you be totally aloof about this. If he texts and it`s something worthy of a reply, text back, otherwise dont. If he asks you to get online, and you`re doing something don`t respond. If he calls and you feel like you can answer the phone and not get wishy washy, answer it. But don`t mention anything about the relationship. See if he mentions it or wants to talk to you about it. Other than that, anything goes.

[Mrs_AJ]

He called me today. He asked what was wrong, whether I had a lot of work, how things were going.

 

I said I was fine, things are good and no, I don't have exams at the moment. He then said that he didn't understand why I was so stressed. I asked "How do you mean stressed?" He said that we were not talking as usual, I seemed really busy. I explained that this was an assumption he had made because I had not contacted him. And if I don't contact him, this is the level of communication we have. He got the point!

 

He appologized, said he appreciated how I had been the better communicator and said he would change. He was sorry he hadn't put in enough effort and that I felt like this. He said I was more important to him than anything else.

 

The good thing about all of this - I learnt that I'm fine "without" him. I.e. I can go about my daily life without having to obsess about him as before. And I will choose to keep this up. It works fine for me. I feel I'm more in control of my feelings. I do like him alot. I think we'll work on things, slowly.

 

Thanks for all your help guys. =) I've learnt a little more about myself.

[2sunny]

i'm glad things seem to be taking a turn for the better.

 

what i don't understand is this concept... you said he has talked of marrying you. you've never met in real life. you don't know how to spell his real name. you don't really have a firm idea where he grew up.

 

how can you feel so attached to a man you honestly know nothing about? how can you not want enough solid evidence to at least run a check on him to rule out any shadiness he might be hiding?

 

please be smart about this... you are asking for so little and giving way too much trust to someone you never met. this could be potentially dangerous in the end.

 

have you ever sent him money?

[Mrs_AJ]

i'm glad things seem to be taking a turn for the better.

 

what i don't understand is this concept... you said he has talked of marrying you. you've never met in real life. you don't know how to spell his real name. you don't really have a firm idea where he grew up.

 

how can you feel so attached to a man you honestly know nothing about? how can you not want enough solid evidence to at least run a check on him to rule out any shadiness he might be hiding?

 

please be smart about this... you are asking for so little and giving way too much trust to someone you never met. this could be potentially dangerous in the end.

 

have you ever sent him money?

 

Hi 2sunny,

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

Yes, he is talking of wanting to marry me. Am I jumping up and down clapping my hands excitedly? No, not really. It's unrealistic to do so. Both of us know that when we meet and spend time together all of this could change and we may end up being just friends. I have told him this. And he agrees.

 

Yes, he is saying his feelings are very strong. I can't hold him to account for that or say that he is "ridiculous" for it. I am sure others on this fourm have felt that they met the "one" for them, even if they hadn't met them in person. Of course that could all change.

 

I understand your worry. No, we haven't met in reali life yet. We have talked/chatted/web cam/texted for over a year. No, I don't know the exact spelling of his name. I could ask, it's not a problem. I think what mainly happened is that I wrote out his name in the non-english version when we were chatting, the way it sounds in our language, and he hasn't really corrected me. I didn't ask. It's like writing Sara and Sarah. In my language those two have different pronounciations. I would write the latter for my cousin for example although her passport says Sara. I'll ask him and see how he responds.

 

I knew where he grew up. I don't know the postal code of the house nor the street name. I have never had a reason to ask. I'm not from the States. I can ask him this too. It's good to know.

 

The backgorund check...it had me thinking. When I spoke to him I somehow casually mentioned that I was going through some paper work and had found my CRB check for med school (ie the background check they run). I asked him if they had to do one too, and he said they did and he had to go to a court to get that done. He has the copy of the report I believe. I jokedly told him, bring it with you. He said ok. But I suppose if I can get the above info I can run one myself.

 

I understand that there is always a potential danger of meeting someone online. I wonder how many of LS LDR couples ran a background check on their potential SO before meeting them?

 

2sunny, I do agree with you. Yes there are some bad apples out there. But this guy is 27, has worked and studied all his life, he did his pre-med degree and is now studying medicine under a scholarship since he couldn't afford it himself. After his dad passed away he helped his mother out. He has had to raise his younger siblings and they're all in college or healthcare. He doesn't drink or smoke, skips going out with mates to study and seems genuinly down to earth and "normal". I don't know if he had time racking up a list of offences. I doubt that he would be doing so well if he had.

 

He has never asked for anything, and I haven't sent him money or gifts or anything.

 

If and when I meet him, I don't intend to do this on my own. I will see him in public places and get to know him again. I'll take it from there hopefully.

 

Thanks for your concern and advise. I think you have such a good heart. I do think about what you say. I've appreciated your help very much.

 

p.s. excuse the spelling mistake. It's early morning here. =)

[Mei Mei]

Mrs_AJ, I think you should start from knowing his whole name first. Simple as making keywords searching and facebook status search are some directions to start knowing more facts about him without doing much.Nevertheless, commitment, trust, honesty and genuine communications are some indicators that you can feel about how much has he been offering. Before he can do anything real to show his genuine commitment, you should be more alert not to get hurtI have never done any formal checking on my SO But i did do a keyword searching only since his genuineness has been tested and confirmed through the moving of our relationship.Hope you will always be witty to protect yourself when things are messy.

[AnnPod]

 

Yes, he is talking of wanting to marry me.

 

[...] No, I don't know the exact spelling of his name.

 

Excuse me. What??

 

OK, you could fall in love with a guy online, it can happen, I mean with love is everything possible. But he talks about marriage? How realistic is that if you have not even met, I mean you admit that by yourself.

 

And then you don't even know his correct name? I mean by the guy who wants to marry you? I would be careful. Meet for a week or 2, give yourself the possibility to sleep in different houses and see what happens.

[ann09]

Ok........take it from someone that had allllll too much time on her hands years ago and had a little too much fun on the internet (cringing because I can't stand the internet anymore except for educating myself).

 

You can be anyone you want to be. A doctor, a lawyer, single, beautiful, funny, smart, intriguing, anything.

 

You don't really KNOW someone until you are in their life and know them more than just reading their words on a screen. He may be everything he says he is. And you seem like an intelligent woman. And I do believe instincts play a key role here. But just be careful - because I have done it in the past - never would again - but the internet is an intriguing place to become someone you really want to be....not always who you are.

[Mrs_AJ]

Mrs_AJ, I think you should start from knowing his whole name first. Simple as making keywords searching and facebook status search are some directions to start knowing more facts about him without doing much.Nevertheless, commitment, trust, honesty and genuine communications are some indicators that you can feel about how much has he been offering. Before he can do anything real to show his genuine commitment, you should be more alert not to get hurt. I have never done any formal checking on my SO But i did do a keyword searching only since his genuineness has been tested and confirmed through the moving of our relationship.Hope you will always be witty to protect yourself when things are messy.

 

Hi Mei Mei,

 

I totally agree with this Mei Mei. What this experience, of "backing off" has done, is that it calmed my feelings about him. It has made me more alert to potential dangers I may be putting myself in. It's made me take a step back and look at what I have with him.

 

True, he hasn't done anything real yet to show me his commitment. This is what I'll be interested in seeing, whether it happens or not.

 

I'll get his full name next time I speak to him. I find it strange that i never used to think about this.

 

Apart from his flimsy initiation of communication I have not found him to be dishonest or sketchy in what he says. He has never contradicted himself in his words. I don't think he is calculating enough to pull stories on me. But I don't know. I'll have to wait to find out. I think in any relationship you are potentially vulnerable to someone portraying themselves as something they're not. You will find out sooner or later.

 

I am ok. I feel better with this than I did before. I feel like I have the support of others who have been in LDR's and that makes the situation less "unique" and more real, i.e. others have experienced this- so beware.

 

Much love.

[Mrs_AJ]

Excuse me. What??

 

OK, you could fall in love with a guy online, it can happen, I mean with love is everything possible. But he talks about marriage? How realistic is that if you have not even met, I mean you admit that by yourself.

 

And then you don't even know his correct name? I mean by the guy who wants to marry you? I would be careful. Meet for a week or 2, give yourself the possibility to sleep in different houses and see what happens.

 

 

Hi Ann09,

 

thanks for your reply.

 

I agree with you, but the whole marriage thing is not bothering me. It's because in our culture it's perfectly normal for a couple to progress towards marriage from the word go. So I think it's just natural for him to say this and I believe he means it.

 

Yes the name thing. Gosh, I'm gettin a bit embarrassed about this. I have to update you guys on this.

 

Yes, he is planning to come here for a year as part of his rotation. Knowing this, I actually decided to go back home to my parents which is on the opposite end of where he will be ( I am where he will be next year). We'll meet when I have time off work and weekends. I chose to go back home as I didn't want to be influenced by his decisions. We def. will not be living together or anything like that. He'll live in hospital accomodation or his own flat. I'll be back living with my parents for that one year.

I just think I have to be careful in whatever I do. What I do know is that I hopefully would not rush into any major decisions, such as living together or getting married without knowing him in real life for some time. So we'll see what happens.

 

hugs

[2sunny]

any update on the progress of communication... or back round of this guy?

[Mrs_AJ]

Hi 2sunny,

 

It's been going well. He is making better effort and has been texting me every night and calling me to say hi/good night. And he has been initiating it himself. It's nice. I think he has realised what difference it makes. So people can change, as long as they care I think.

 

I decided not to do a background check. I don't feel I can justify it to myself. Also I'm pretty sure I won't find anyhing. He wouldn't be allowed into med school with criminal convictions.

 

So for now I've picked up the communication with him again and am responding and initiating myself. He is leaving the island in about 20days to Boston. I think communication will pick up substantially after that as it'll be so much easier to call/text/skype.

 

He is still coming in June2010. I will see what happens then.

 

Thanks for checking up on me. You're a star!!

 

hugs

[Rollercoasterr]

I still don't think you're getting it.

 

It's not so much the criminal convictions that we've been worried about. His lack of communication with you sets off most of our married man radars.

 

Did you ever even find out his real name? Or could you not justify asking him that, either?

[Mrs_AJ]

I still don't think you're getting it.

 

It's not so much the criminal convictions that we've been worried about. His lack of communication with you sets off most of our married man radars.

 

Did you ever even find out his real name? Or could you not justify asking him that, either?

 

 

Hi Rollecoasterr,

 

I've actually never thought he was in a relationship already or married and have never worried about that.

 

 

May I ask what it is that sets of your MM radar? Is it the communication alone?

 

Yes, he did very poorly in initiating communication with me for a long time. And he dissapeared for 8 days. Not a good record, I know. But when we've spoken about it he was honest about what happened.

 

However although it happens that he can't pick up due to being in a class or something, I haven't felt that I can't get hold of him when I call. When he is in the States, we talk constantly. I can hear his siblings around. He stays with them. They know he's talking to me.

 

If he was lying to me, I think I would have picked up on something to make me think he was being dishonest. But honestly I haven't.

 

His lack of initiating communication doesn't equal marriage to another woman. I don't understand that analogy. If he had a wife, would he not want to "hide" me from the people around him?

 

 

I don't know, maybe you guys are right.

 

I do know the correct english spelling of his name now Although he was a little perplexed when I asked him. What else could I not justify asking? Sorry I missed your point there.

 

Hope both you and Mathew are great. Holidays soon!! Are you guys meeting up?

 

tc for now

[Mrs_AJ]

Hi guys,

 

I want to thank you all for your advice,now and previously.

 

I think that forums like these sometimes can be an excellent way of gaining perspective on things and an outlet when others don't understand. It's also a great way to make friends with people who understand you. But I also think that at times a forum with opinions from people coming from different backgrounds to what relationships are or should be can make you see things that aren't there in the first place.

 

Although this forum has worked for me many times, it isn't at the moment. I said something to my SO which I now deeply regret. And I feel I said it because I failed to relate what I know and think about him to what limited info. I have given to the forum and the advice I've taken on. Now that's my fault alone.

 

I feel I should learn to trust my own judgement more. If that means that I make mistakes then that's ok. I'll learn.

 

But nevertheless you guys have been very supportive. All the advice I got was actually very valid, objective yet caring. And I have learnt a lot. I will always appreciate that.

 

Thanks for all your help and best of luck to you all.

[TMichaels]

Huh?

 

You came to this forum, lamented your "fiancé" whom you met on-line, have never met in person, don't even know how his name is spelled, nor exactly where he lives/lived, wasn't paying attention to you and you felt "compromised."

 

Posters here, who for the most part, have considerable experience being involved in LDRs including ones that started or have continued on-line, were a bit alarmed and concerned about your level of naiveté. They suggested between the lack of communication you were experiencing and that you don't know even the simplest of facts about this guy, that something's not quite as it should be.

 

Thinking over what had been said here, apparently you asked him some sort of question that required him to give you more information. Evidently, he didn't like that -- you now regret it -- and your solution is "to take your dolls home" and quit frequenting this forum?

 

Totally your prerogative, Mrs. AJ, but as others have already cautioned you, you are playing with fire and living in a fantasy world. Yes, things could work out just fine, but the internet is littered with broken hearts and worse. If you want to continue with your head in the sand, best of luck to you...

 

TMichaels

Edited November 22, 2009 by TMichaels