JaneDoe35 Posted November 7, 2009 Share Posted November 7, 2009 I am not sure if I will be exposing my husband's affair to the other woman's husband.......but I am curious to know what other posters decided to do when faced with this decision and what the outcome was. I have been trying to save my marriage - with no luck. My husband decided to end our marriage when I caught him having an affair after 13 years together, one child. My thread is 'next?'. I believe he is continuing this affair. I also have evidence of affair - phone bills, a letter etc. What did you do? Link to post Share on other sites
confused71 Posted November 7, 2009 Share Posted November 7, 2009 Hi Jane,have been following your thread. Yes I believe if you have exhausted all options you should definately expose the affair to OW's husband.Otherwise it will always be playing on your mind 'damn ..I should have exposed' Plus I would say her husband deserves to know what his wife is up to.Affairs thrive on secrecy (trust me I have been through this ) and bringing it out in the open might make it not as exciting when they have to deal with the stress of being exposed. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneDoe35 Posted November 7, 2009 Author Share Posted November 7, 2009 Thankyou very much for your reply Confused - I believe I am very close to having exhausted all my options. I really hope I end up making the 'right' decision, but with these things it is just so hard to tell what is 'right'. Link to post Share on other sites
confused71 Posted November 7, 2009 Share Posted November 7, 2009 I'm afraid there are no 'right ' decisions.But at least you are trying...despite what the outcome may be. If things dont work out you will always be able to look yourself in the mirror and say 'I tried'. But to be honest your husband doesnt deserve you any more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneDoe35 Posted November 7, 2009 Author Share Posted November 7, 2009 You know Confused, my husband told me the other day when he had that meltdown I mention in my thread - 'I do not deserve you anymore'. I wish I could believe that. I also agree that when/if I finally walk away I will know I have tried everything. I know it is more likely 'when' not 'if'. I am the eternal optimist.....so silly Link to post Share on other sites
confused71 Posted November 7, 2009 Share Posted November 7, 2009 You know Confused, my husband told me the other day when he had that meltdown I mention in my thread - 'I do not deserve you anymore'. I wish I could believe that. I also agree that when/if I finally walk away I will know I have tried everything. I know it is more likely 'when' not 'if'. I am the eternal optimist.....so silly Well I was the optimist too.But it didnt get me very far LOL Its so crazy with yours ,mine and all the other walk away storys on here. Its as if one day a switch was thrown on my ex that turned her into a completely uncaring selfish person. My ex now has the divorce she wanted ..but still wont leave me alone . Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted November 7, 2009 Share Posted November 7, 2009 Affairs are like a drug. They're addicting! Those that get caught up in them cannot see how addiciting they are? They get caught up in the fantasy of them ~ trhe "fog" of it all. Yes! Expose the affair! What's the worse case? Your spouse is already cheating on you! Link to post Share on other sites
confused71 Posted November 7, 2009 Share Posted November 7, 2009 Affairs are like a drug. They're addicting! Those that get caught up in them cannot see how addiciting they are? They get caught up in the fantasy of them ~ trhe "fog" of it all. Yes! Expose the affair! What's the worse case? Your spouse is already cheating on you! Exactly......It cant get any worse than that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneDoe35 Posted November 7, 2009 Author Share Posted November 7, 2009 Well I was the optimist too.But it didnt get me very far LOL Its so crazy with yours ,mine and all the other walk away storys on here. Its as if one day a switch was thrown on my ex that turned her into a completely uncaring selfish person. My ex now has the divorce she wanted ..but still wont leave me alone . Yes you are right, when someone else is in control and they are off the planet, optimism appears entirely misplaced!!!! Why wont your ex leave you alone Confused? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneDoe35 Posted November 7, 2009 Author Share Posted November 7, 2009 Affairs are like a drug. They're addicting! Those that get caught up in them cannot see how addiciting they are? They get caught up in the fantasy of them ~ trhe "fog" of it all. Yes! Expose the affair! What's the worse case? Your spouse is already cheating on you! Yes and my marriage is over and I love my husband still, my daughter is about to feel pain - possibly more than I have been feeling. I may lose my home & my daughter's education. My friend's & family are hurt too. They miss 'us'. I miss 'us'. I have never had an affair, but this 'fog' that people speak of must be something. You know what my problem is - I care about him still, even after everything. I don't think I want revenge, I want justice - maybe. I am beginning to feel that my only hope of waking him up is to bring him down. He begs me not to expose him as he says it will ruin him and that his career is all he has left. By the way Gunny - he does wear a uniform.... Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted November 7, 2009 Share Posted November 7, 2009 Expose! As confused said, give the OWH the facts to deal with Also, by not exposing your are giving them your stamp of approval In my case, there was no OMH to deal with, but her work place was sure interested, as the guards were contracted out. It was either fire him or lose the contract, he was gone, with a bad reference. He could not get clearance to work as a guard in the high security work places. Gallon Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted November 7, 2009 Share Posted November 7, 2009 You do what you have to do for you and the DD Just that plain! Just that simple! If it screws him? Oh well~ Too bad! Too sad! Link to post Share on other sites
confused71 Posted November 7, 2009 Share Posted November 7, 2009 Yes you are right, when someone else is in control and they are off the planet, optimism appears entirely misplaced!!!! Why wont your ex leave you alone Confused? She still bugs me when ever she has some sort of crisis....which seems to be at least twice a month. She insists that she is my friend even though I dont hear from her unless she wants something....and when I ignore get a barrage of nasty texts. And she made her kids block me from facebook etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneDoe35 Posted November 7, 2009 Author Share Posted November 7, 2009 Thankyou 2.50... None of us would have ever thought that we would be here. The day before I discovered affair we were happily planning our family trip to Disneyland. We had also discussed our upcoming 10th Wedding Anniversary. Two minutes before the discovery I had set him up on the lounge with a rug and a coffee and had put on a DVD that he had been wanting to watch....and I was ironing his uniforms in readiness for his return to work that afternoon. A normal Sunday afternoon. In an instant everything can change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneDoe35 Posted November 7, 2009 Author Share Posted November 7, 2009 You do what you have to do for you and the DD Just that plain! Just that simple! If it screws him? Oh well~ Too bad! Too sad! Thankyou Gunny. I am beginning to think that it is not worth having a relationship with anyone ever again. Why would I risk this sort of pain again? Over 13 really great years, he said so too, for NOTHING. I feel as if all those great memories are being destroyed by his incredible behaviour in the last 3 or so months. I think it is only a matter of time. Do you think it would be best to do it anonymously, and deny it was me. Or just arrange to meet the husband and tell him myself? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneDoe35 Posted November 7, 2009 Author Share Posted November 7, 2009 She still bugs me when ever she has some sort of crisis....which seems to be at least twice a month. She insists that she is my friend even though I dont hear from her unless she wants something....and when I ignore get a barrage of nasty texts. And she made her kids block me from facebook etc. That is just so unfair of her. I had already told my husband that if he chooses to keep following this path that there is no way I will be his friend. I told him this a long time ago and I have been 'friendly' since but it is very difficult. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneDoe35 Posted November 8, 2009 Author Share Posted November 8, 2009 I have crept up to being 90% sure that I will expose my husband. He is here to visit daughter today and has fallen asleep on the couch after spending only 2 hours with her. He reeks of alcohol as he went out last night but of course it was 'not a big night', yeah sure. He has texted 'her' while here, but only to respond to her asking what he is up to, yeah sure. Still need advice on how to expose him. Anonymously? Or contact her husband directly? Where did my once caring, decent husband go? Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted November 8, 2009 Share Posted November 8, 2009 Do it directly. Let her H know asap. More believable for her H to talk with the W of the OM directly so it doesn't leave doubt in his mind about what has been going on. Let him in on the facts. What result are you hoping for? What result do you dread? Don't worry about your H being destroyed by exposure. He should have thought of that before undoing his zipper. You don't owe him anything, anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneDoe35 Posted November 8, 2009 Author Share Posted November 8, 2009 Do it directly. Let her H know asap. More believable for her H to talk with the W of the OM directly so it doesn't leave doubt in his mind about what has been going on. Let him in on the facts. What result are you hoping for? What result do you dread? Don't worry about your H being destroyed by exposure. He should have thought of that before undoing his zipper. You don't owe him anything, anymore. I am hoping that he has a complete mental breakdown, realises how badly he has messed up and then begs me to forgive him.....unlikely I know. I want him to have to face up to the destruction he has caused. I want him to see how many lives are affected by lies. I want him to longer have the respect of his staff and superior officers. I want her husband to confront him. I would like him to follow through with his decisions. He chose to cheat on me, well then I want him to have a relationship with her then, one that is out in the open. I know it would be difficult for me if he did end up with her. But to be honest, no more difficult than him being with anyone. She is young, she will want him all to herself and she will want children. I know he will not want this as he wants to be free. Her husband may fight for her, who knows. That could be interesting too. Or he may not care. My husband is VERY concerned about being exposed....not sure if it is because of her husband or his career though. I want all the deceit to be over with..... Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted November 8, 2009 Share Posted November 8, 2009 Well said Jane, well thought out. Time to uncover the truth, yes? End this kinda pain once and for all before she texts him again. Time to have no more uncertainty about what your future holds. Take control. You've been made a fool of long enough. Link to post Share on other sites
floridapad Posted November 8, 2009 Share Posted November 8, 2009 Janedoe, Exposure is always risky business, if you are doing it to try and get back your husband. Whatever you do don't tell your husband you are doing it to get him back or to get back at him (revenge). Exposure is a powerful tool in breaking up an affair, but not necessarily to get the person back. That takes all the stuff son of Homer was talking about. I exposed the affair to the OM's wife several weeks ago and I felt horrible in the moment and then quickly felt better for some reason. It actually feels great now, but I did not do it to get my wife back or so I told myself. Your husband will be pissed. I think marriage Builders.com has a writeup on exposure. I would definately read it but keep in mind the reason why you are doing it. For me it was to let the OM's wife know because she deserves to know. When you expose, what is your next step emotionally and physically? Be prepared for backlash but don't be afraid of it. I made it crystal clear to my wife that I was not exposing to get her back. Obviously that would have had a reverse affect on her. Good luck! Exposure is a must in my experience. It definately was a game changer. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted November 8, 2009 Share Posted November 8, 2009 Yes tell her husband because he has the right to know Link to post Share on other sites
confused71 Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 Hey Jane, Was wondering if you have exposed yet ? Or are having second thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneDoe35 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Share Posted November 10, 2009 No second thoughts, unless my husband turns up on the doorstep and gets on his hands & knees, am in planning process right now. Actually just got off the phone as am trying to pinpoint her husbands place of work. I know the employer but the work location is harder to locate. I could just send an email to his work email address but I would prefer to contact him by phone and arrange a meeting. I am dreading it but as I believe their connection is much more than I am being told I feel I am out of options. I have still been following Son of Homer's advice......but I guess this is not what he would advise......I hate being here. Link to post Share on other sites
confused71 Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 Well whatever happens I think exposure is for the best.Let them both see some cosequences to their actions. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
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