Exposure?

[JaneDoe35]

Thanks Confused, I appreciate your posts.

 

Now to the men out there especially....

 

If a strange woman phoned you and asked to meet regarding your wife, would you? Or would you go straight to your wife? If you had suspicions would that make a difference?

 

What could I say to get her husband to meet me without talking to his wife first?

[hopesndreams]

Her H knows there is something amiss. There is no way she is carrying on an A with your H without there being some discord in her home. For all you know, this OW could have cheated with someone else before your husband. For all you know, her H could be cheating on her as well.

 

There's a very good chance he won't speak to his W first. If you get him on the phone he will most likely engage you in conversation and you end up telling him everything over the wire. He may not want to wait to meet you face to face to get all the details. He won't doubt what you say either. He won't think there's some crazy woman out to destroy his M. Look at it this way, you will be confirming what he already suspects unless his W is a great actress and he had no clue she could ever do such a thing.

 

You're being very brave and are doing the right thing.

 

What do people do when they first find out about their partner cheating? They go into a tailspin. He'll think with his heart at first and do whatever it takes to stop his W from leaving him. This gives you a window of opportunity to get your H back.

 

It can go a few different ways. You already know this. Be prepared for all the scenarios.

[JaneDoe35]

Too late to expose, my husband just informed me that she has left her husband....I am devastated yet again.

[hopesndreams]

(((((hugs)))))

 

So sorry.

[confused71]

Too late to expose, my husband just informed me that she has left her husband....I am devastated yet again.

 

Hmmm.Maybe your H could tell you was about to expose.

Are you sure this is 100% true??

Still wouldnt hurt to have a word with her husband.Let him know the full truth.

[hopesndreams]

Did you talk with his MOW? I just now remember reading from another thread that you commented on doing just that. You gave her the heads up?

 

No matter how you slice it, I've said since the beginning, protect yourself and your daughter because the man you once knew no longer existed. I know you wanted a different outcome, been there and feel your pain. In order to move forward, you must go extreme LC with him now. You put up a good fight.

[JaneDoe35]

I had spoken to the MOW earlier in this disaster. She said the usual - it was just a mistake etc etc.

 

I had not mentioned exposing recently and had completely taken it off the table as far as my husband knew. I had threatened it 3 times in the last 3 months.

 

Her husband does not know the full story.

 

My husband says he is not going to end up with her.

 

I am so hurt. I don't want to live even though I know I must move forward. I have a 9 year old daughter and she does not know yet. I wanted to protect her from this.

 

I still do want to save her from any pain, but it is not in my control. None of this has been I guess.

 

Why couldn't he have come to me 6 months ago and told me he wanted out?

 

I obviously would have been devastated but I may have had a chance then, or if not, I would not have felt so humiliated and used.

 

He wants us to be friends, good friends. But how could I ever do that?

[hopesndreams]

My husband says he is not going to end up with her.

 

Do you believe him when he says his MOW left her H? Or, is it all just lies so you don't expose? Cheaters go to great lengths to deny, cover and outright lie to save their azzes.

 

Friends with him? Tell him no way. Do you need a friend that humiliates you? No.

 

He wants out of the M but wants to do it with a kiss as he walks out the door and a friendly wave as he drives away. Don't let him have that, that destroys whatever little self-esteem you have after all this mess.

[JaneDoe35]

My husband says he is not going to end up with her.

 

Do you believe him when he says his MOW left her H? Or, is it all just lies so you don't expose? Cheaters go to great lengths to deny, cover and outright lie to save their azzes.

 

Friends with him? Tell him no way. Do you need a friend that humiliates you? No.

 

He wants out of the M but wants to do it with a kiss as he walks out the door and a friendly wave as he drives away. Don't let him have that, that destroys whatever little self-esteem you have after all this mess.

 

 

Sadly I do believe that she has left her husband...they are no longer linked on facebook. I am not on facebook but made up a profile so I could see who they were. I know this is not hard evidence.

 

How do I find the strength to treat him the way he deserves to be treated?

 

Why can I not find the anger?

 

I feel disposed of, like garbage.

 

This is the man who was always so kind to me....why can't I see that this current version is the real him.

 

The loss is overwhelming to me and I just cannot break down completely as my daughter needs me.

 

Please help.

[FeelingLonely98]

He wants us to be friends, good friends. But how could I ever do that?

 

Jane - he just wants to be friends to AGAIN - feel less guilty and to justify his actions. I will NEVER be friends with my STBXW. Even if she dumps or gets dumped by her 18 yr old BF. I can not stand to see her like that. Not because I hate her - but rather because it would be too painful.

I'm still devastated by all of this - even though it's already been 10 weeks. It still feels like a dream.

 

Don't be his friend Jane!

[hopesndreams]

How do I find the strength to treat him the way he deserves to be treated?

 

Why can I not find the anger?

 

 

You still love him. You are not in the anger stage yet, you're still in desperation mode. You need to think with your head and not your heart. Remove yourself from the situation and look at it as though it were happening to someone else. What advice would you give?

 

Save yourself from looking back months from this point and kicking yourself for allowing him to make a fool of you. Yes, allowing. You are in control of doing what is best for your well-being now and in the future. What is best, is letting him go, without fanfare, without your blessing and without your friendship. He's on his own now (he still has her though) but still wants to rely on you for his emotional needs and once he is ok on his own (and set up with his new woman) and no longer needs you, he will then again throw you away like garbage. Simply don't allow it. He needs to live with the consequences of what he has done and you need to protect yourself from further abuse.

Edited November 12, 2009 by hopesndreams

[JaneDoe35]

I do need to think with my head, not my heart. So hard when I am so desperate.

 

I am ashamed of my weakness. It makes me feel ill and ugly.

 

I really appreciate all the words of advice & support. I really hope that one day I will come back here and be able to offer something to other's who feel this way....

 

I need you all now more than ever!!!!

 

So NC is not possible but how do I treat him? What do I say & do to preserve my sanity? (or what is left of it)

[floridapad]

JD

 

Treat him however you feel like treating him. Be angry, ignore him, be kind, whatever it is YOU feel like doing. I will say though. LC is the way to go as it worked for me in detaching. I told my wife "I love and care for you too much after what has happened and I need to detach from you. Please do not call me, do not text me, do not e-mail me, when I pick up the kids please have them ready." When I saw her I said "Hi" with a smile and collected the children....Hit and run with a smile. But if you feel like being angry and you need to vent at him then do it.

 

Then you REALLY need to let go of trying to get him back. That is where your desperation is coming from. You are trying and hoping way too much to get him back when you have not even fully detached yourself from the situation. Stoping hoping for the marriage it will only kill you.

 

Start acting indifferent with him with the minimal contact you have and after a few very hard months you will be indifferent. Just stop trying to get him back. Let him go and keep yourself and get yourself back.

[hopesndreams]

For starters, no more of his sleeping on your lounge! When he is over visiting his daughter, it is just that, and why should he be in your home while he is doing that? You need to permanently kick him out of the home. He wants to end the M, he's the one that leaves, end of. Otherwise, how can you start living your life without him? Which, btw, is now NONE of his business. Start packing up his belongings and put them in bin bags. Send the message, firm and clear from the get go and do not let him try to slither his way back in so he can be "friends" with you. He wants to chit chat with you, it needs to be about the daughter only.

 

Doing this will build up your self-esteem. You will start feeling less weak and ugly. You need to toughen up and don't give him anymore of your love, he doesn't deserve any. Let his new woman take care of his needs. You're done! Right?

 

If you do stay friends with him, get prepared for months from now when he starts telling you how wonderful his new life is ..... without you! Yeah, you really don't want to hear any of that, believe me.

 

Do things right from the start. The recovery time will be quicker and less painful. Otherwise, a year from now, you will still be hurting as if it all happened yesterday.

[HarmonyHope]

I do need to think with my head, not my heart. So hard when I am so desperate.

 

I am ashamed of my weakness. It makes me feel ill and ugly.

 

I really appreciate all the words of advice & support. I really hope that one day I will come back here and be able to offer something to other's who feel this way....

 

I need you all now more than ever!!!!

 

So NC is not possible but how do I treat him? What do I say & do to preserve my sanity? (or what is left of it)

 

Limit your contact with him to only what is neccessary for your child. Resist the urge to respond when he throws an emotional bomb out at you. Consider individual counseling. I suspect that over time, with some distance between you, you'll be able to more easily see him for who he is - and it isn't a pretty picture.

[HarmonyHope]

He wants us to be friends, good friends. But how could I ever do that?

 

You know, just about every cheater says this. It is a way to alleviate guilt and validates that his actions are "ok". It's selfish. Strive for something a little more realistic perhaps - you can be friendly, but being friends just isn't going to happen.

[floridapad]

Oh and By the way JD. Expose Expose Expose. It's true your husband may be lying. But part of the exposure is to end the fantasy of the affair. Get it done now so you can move on. I personally don't beleive your H 100% that she has left the husband. Call and tell him over the phone all the info. If he wants to meet then meet if not then don't.

[Beebie]

You know, just about every cheater says this. It is a way to alleviate guilt and validates that his actions are "ok". It's selfish. Strive for something a little more realistic perhaps - you can be friendly, but being friends just isn't going to happen.

 

This is very true Jane. My STBXH said right from the start he wants us to remain friends. How the hell can that happen when he's all but destroyed me? I'm sure he said this just to alleviate HIS guilt. So he can 'parade' his new happy life in front of me? No way - I won't allow it.

 

I know you have your child to think of and on that basis you will have to have some contact with your H. But it sounds like your H has made his choice. HE is going to have to live with the consequences of his actions. Cheaters want it all their own way. You've done nothing wrong Jane. Please don't let him make you feel weak. He's the weak one by running away when things could have been sorted out at an early stage - except he didn't have the guts to!

 

PS: Edit to say, I'm sorry if this sounds tough Jane. It just really angers me when I read of so many people suffering because their husband/wife/partner won't sit down and talk about problems in the early stages.

Edited November 12, 2009 by Beebie

[JaneDoe35]

Ok so as you may know - have been informed that OW has left her husband. Devastated by this as was about to expose same day and now of course upset that her & my husband may end up officially together.

 

So decided to still speak to him after reading posts on here and with advice from my therapist...I need to speak to him to see if he is actually 'fine' about his wife calling off their marriage after only 1 year or so. My husband told me he was ok about it all but still begged me not to contact him.

 

Called his work at 9am - 'He will be on at 6pm' Ok so lost my nerve during the day...but at 7pm got in the mood to expose again - 'He is not in yet' Ok, called again at 8pm -'He is on annual leave'.....

 

I hung up, then called back, left my full name, mobile number and advised this was personal and could he be given the message. Was advised that he would be sent the message.

 

He works in the same organisation as my husband so I know the drill after almost 14 years as far as questions/privacy etc.

 

Ok, 40 mins later and he has not contacted me.

 

If he does not care about what has been going on that is fine cause I honestly don't want to hurt my husband. I just need to know as much of the truth as possible...it has been seriously lacking of late.

 

If he does care then I need to know if he is attempting to save his marriage or not, that affects me in some ways.

 

What do you all think?

 

By the way, after almost 3 months today I packed up all his clothes and belongings from our bedroom and it is all now in the garage in plastic tubs.

 

I removed all our wedding pictures and bought new art etc for the walls. I changed the furniture around too. It was so incredibly hard. But I will be honest with you all and say that I had my mum's help. I am almost 35 and I need my mummy!!!

 

It is easier to walk in the bedroom now...the memories are confined to my head, not all over the walls....

 

So sad that my love has been reduced to trying to erase my once beautiful man....

[greengoddess]

Good for you Jane. It feels empowering to take control doesn't it? It makes you feel strong even if you are just pretending.

 

Be prepared for the lies. His wife may have warned him that a crazy woman was going to call because she is jealous over her friendship with her husband. Honestly I would email with the evidence.

 

Don't believe anything your husband tells you right now. Cheaters go from the most honest sincere people to the direct opposite. They get use to lying they've done it so long to keep the affair up.

 

How has your daughter taken it?

[JaneDoe35]

Good for you Jane. It feels empowering to take control doesn't it? It makes you feel strong even if you are just pretending.

 

Be prepared for the lies. His wife may have warned him that a crazy woman was going to call because she is jealous over her friendship with her husband. Honestly I would email with the evidence.

 

Don't believe anything your husband tells you right now. Cheaters go from the most honest sincere people to the direct opposite. They get use to lying they've done it so long to keep the affair up.

 

How has your daughter taken it?

 

 

She does not know yet....I know it has to be done and maybe I should have told her before now. But I just couldn't when I felt the tiniest bit of hope.

 

I think that his wife has told him that I am a crazy woman.....

 

I will wait a couple of days and then email him, only problem is that I only have his work email and he has gone on annual leave (stress leave maybe).

 

You are right, I am not scared if my husband gets angry about this now. I do feel stronger now too.

 

I am not sure why he has not called me yet...but my husband has not either and I expected that he would call me straight away once he discovered that I had made contact.

 

Unless they are all out together laughing about me!!!!

[greengoddess]

That could be a lie too. His annual leave. First he was to be in at a certain time and then the crazy person calls and he is on annual leave.

 

I'm normally not a game player but...maybe telling your husband you have a lunch meeting with her husband may have an interesting affect on the situation. He'll tell her and she will have to question her husband...hmmm it's a thought.

 

You moved his stuff out and she doesn't know? You have to talk to her TOGETHER. Tell your husband it's time to do this together as her parents and if he won't you will do it alone tonight. She must be worried. She's smart enough to pick up something is off and probably really needs to talk about it.

[floridapad]

JD

 

Your making the right choice to expose. I did it several weeks ago and it was tough but after I felt great. Afterwards, my wife said that the exposure brought the already dying affair to a sudden death. Good luck and don't give up.