"Daddy Issues" with girlfriend (Psychologist Session)

[euroxx]

Alright, I'm writing this because I'm sure I'm not the only one in a position like this. Hopefully reading through this will help someone who is having similar problems with thier girlfriend and maybe some females who don't understand the reasonings behind some of the things they do.

 

Brief Explaination of My Relationship:

Alright, I met this girl who by all accounts is amazing. We have fun, pretty much always, enjoy each other, etc. She's the type of girl that when headed home, we just miss the turn, keep driving and neither one of us says a word just because we enjoy spending time together. Now, every time we get close, she "shuts off" or exhibits behavior destructive to our relationship, mostly escalating to "I just don't want to show you affection, or I don't want sex." Mind you, when we get back together things are amazing, all the problems appear after a few months. When we break up, she turns to these peice of **** guys for sex and shows them the affection that she could never show me. Which leads into the explaination that I was given.

 

Psycologists Opinions:

She has never had a good relationship with her father. He abandoned her at a very early age and to this day talks to her brothers FAR more than he does her. She feels like he promised the world and never came through... once. She recently made attempts to tell him how she felt and froze up on the phone while tears steadily streamed down her face.

 

Q: Why does she have so many problems showing me affection and can so easily show it to these peices of ****?

A: She turns to men that withold the same things from her that her father did. In her mind, if she can get one of them to break open, she has resolved her childhood issues and therefore has found her self-worth again. Showing you affection, a man who genuinely cares for her out of the box is almost against most everything she has learned about love with men.

 

Q: Am I crazy for thinking that she loves me in some way?

A: No, not at all. Chances are, it's her love for you that sparks this behavior. When she gets close to you and things are going well, it invokes an "Oh ****" response from her insecurities. With her problems there is a fear of commitment stemming from her unresolved childhood issues so she runs to clean them up before continuing things with you. But in that it usually leads to behavior destructive to the relationship she is attempting to save.

 

Q: Can this change? Or should I just walk away from it?

A: It can change, not easily, but it can change. I suggest talking to her honestly about this problem. If she is ready to change, she will listen. She needs to realize that her problems are with her Father and they need to be settled there. Engaging in these damaging relationships will never help her and that the relationship she has with you is probably the first healthy relationship she's ever had. She HAS to start settling things with her father (helping her inner child.) and in the same token she will have to convince herself that she is good enough for a relationship with you. The part that makes it hard is that your relationship will feel awkward and forced for her for a few months while she gives you all the things that she witheld before, this is usually confused for a "not loving the person type of feeling". However in reality it's more that true love goes against everything she has taught herself, so it's something she's never felt before and doesn't know how to deal with.

 

The key is, when you talk to her, do not mention getting back together, just lead her in the direction of realizing that she has actual love for you. Leave her with what you've said and if she comes to you, she is ready to change. If she does not, evoke NC until she does, but don't wait for her because some people never become ready unfortunately.

 

One thing I will stress is that this won't be easy for you either and it will probably be awhile before you get true comfort and happiness out of your relationship so it's up to you if she and this relationship are really worth it to you.

 

-----

 

If you have any questions, feel free to post them and I'll answer the best I can. We spoke for just under 4 hours so there was more, this is just the talking points.

[DanielMadr]

She does not love you. Period. Why she is not capable of loving you is interesting but nevertheless she doesnt love you. Cut her loose.

 

Some people proffess their "love" by slicing you with an axe. But it doesnt mean it is "love" in common sense and you shouldnt date them.

[CLC2008]

During adolescence, your psychology develops as a result of how you are raised, the environment you are in and your surroundings. Genetics and a few other things also play a part.

 

So, I think for you to try to psychoanalyze your girlfriend's past and her relationship with her father, is counterproductive.

 

She can't go back and reverse it, neither can you. But SHE can learn to manage her own thought process and you can learn to be supportive and empathetic.

 

I did not grow up in the greatest environment or with the best parents, I actually had a pretty tough childhood and it carried into adult hood. But I also take on the responsibility to not blame the way I am, because of my past, but instead learn to deal with it and learn to grow and accept what is.

[JustLooking123]

To be honest, something about this seems really patronizing or condescending or something...talking to a psychologist about what's wrong with HER, where HER problems come from, how to fix HER. It takes 2 to make a relationship, and neither partner is perfect. Having one be the assigned patient just feels kinda icky to me.

 

That said, if someone has unresolved issues to this extent, they probably should take a break from dating and try to work on themselves, rather than dragging others into it or making her issues a project for the couple to conquer.

[clv0116]

You are her emotional tampon, get out now.

[Crusoe]

I have seen similar to this before. A very old and close very of mine, her Father left her at an early age. She could never settle into a relationship with a decent man. She spoke about it to me often and explained that everytime she met a good man she got scared he would leave her so she left him first. Whereas bad men they couldn't hurt her as she didn't love them. To this day, at nearly 40 years old she is still bouncing from good man to bad man. My heart bleeds for her sometimes.

 

Sometimes damage is done in early years that never quite goes away.

[deux ex machina]

...

 

Sometimes damage is done in early years that never quite goes away.

 

 

I am genuinely starting to believe that I am completely and utterly screwed.

[euroxx]

During adolescence, your psychology develops as a result of how you are raised, the environment you are in and your surroundings. Genetics and a few other things also play a part.

 

So, I think for you to try to psychoanalyze your girlfriend's past and her relationship with her father, is counterproductive.

 

She can't go back and reverse it, neither can you. But SHE can learn to manage her own thought process and you can learn to be supportive and empathetic.

 

I did not grow up in the greatest environment or with the best parents, I actually had a pretty tough childhood and it carried into adult hood. But I also take on the responsibility to not blame the way I am, because of my past, but instead learn to deal with it and learn to grow and accept what is.

 

I commend you for that and I'm the same way. I grew up with a mother who didn't care and a father who by most accounts was insane. I learned from my experiences and I feel it made me a better person.

 

Unfortunately not all people are like that and a lot of times it does do damage. Damage that is fixable with self-adjustment though.

 

To be honest, something about this seems really patronizing or condescending or something...talking to a psychologist about what's wrong with HER, where HER problems come from, how to fix HER. It takes 2 to make a relationship, and neither partner is perfect. Having one be the assigned patient just feels kinda icky to me.

 

That said, if someone has unresolved issues to this extent, they probably should take a break from dating and try to work on themselves, rather than dragging others into it or making her issues a project for the couple to conquer.

 

I understand, lol. Seriously the discussion was originally about me because I figured maybe I was the one at fault in this or maybe I had childhood issues or something. But the conversation took a large turn towards her somehow when I repeated things she'd said, etc.

 

I'm working on some things with me, but unfortunately, she is the sicker puppy.

 

I have seen similar to this before. A very old and close very of mine, her Father left her at an early age. She could never settle into a relationship with a decent man. She spoke about it to me often and explained that everytime she met a good man she got scared he would leave her so she left him first. Whereas bad men they couldn't hurt her as she didn't love them. To this day, at nearly 40 years old she is still bouncing from good man to bad man. My heart bleeds for her sometimes.

 

Sometimes damage is done in early years that never quite goes away.

 

This is what scares me. I mean, I really see her being this way and after evaluating everything. She means too much for me not to try to help her. Especially after hearing this stuff, which makes oddly a WHOLE ****load of sense.

 

I seriously don't believe true love is ALWAYS easy.

[clv0116]

I seriously don't believe true love is ALWAYS easy.

 

Ah 'true' love.

 

Ease up there Capn' Save-A-Hoe and cut your losses.

[Crusoe]

She means too much for me not to try to help her.

 

 

Fella, I have spent my entire life picking up birds with broken wings and every single one of them has bit me. It doesn't stop me picking them up I just don't get emotionally attached any more.

 

Do what you got to do, just make sure you protect yourself along the way.

Edited November 8, 2009 by Crusoe

[DanielMadr]

 

i did not grow up in the greatest environment or with the best parents, i actually had a pretty tough childhood and it carried into adult hood. But i also take on the responsibility to not blame the way i am, because of my past, but instead learn to deal with it and learn to grow and accept what is.

 

thumbs up.

[JustLooking123]

Don't expect any changes in her anytime soon--these things literally take years.

[carhill]

You are her emotional tampon, get out now.

As a reformed emotional tampon, I approve this message

[deux ex machina]

I think I know why he won't leave her. Or rather, will continue to try.

[clv0116]

As a reformed emotional tampon, I approve this message

 

Ya, it's not gonna change, she's gonna keep crying on his shoulder while letting a series of other guys screw her brains out.

[deux ex machina]

Ya, it's not gonna change, she's gonna keep crying on his shoulder while letting a series of other guys screw her brains out.

 

 

That's just it. But...it's all her the majority of the problems?

[carhill]

It's an equal dance, IMO. She can't cry on a shoulder that's not there.

 

You know, reflecting on the past has convinced me to now avoid women who tend to not have female friends but rather get along better with men. IMO, they're using the male's attraction to feed their tampon issues, where normally women biotch to each other and are socialized to embrace and value that female-female discourse. Using a male's attraction to deposit their load is just lazy, IMO.

[deux ex machina]

It's an equal dance, IMO. She can't cry on a shoulder that's not there.

 

You know, reflecting on the past has convinced me to now avoid women who tend to not have female friends but rather get along better with men. IMO, they're using the male's attraction to feed their tampon issues, where normally women biotch to each other and are socialized to embrace and value that female-female discourse. Using a male's attraction to deposit their load is just lazy, IMO.

 

I know what you are talking about - I've always had a certain level of discomfort with women that do not have any female friends, or if they do, are constantly having dramas with said "friends" (nothing more than action figures to them, I get the feeling).

 

It hasn't always been the easiest thing to articulate, I've always been the kind that takes things in through the senses...works them through there...but Carhill, I get you there. Wish you wouldn't call it an 'tampon', though, to be quite honest!

 

The only friends of these women are men, really.

One thing I have experienced from a female perspective is god forbid I should ever get close to one of their boy toys! Perish the thought!

 

Bottom line is an "I want all the marbles" mentality? Hmmm...I don't think I've hit the real bottom line with that, but I think I'm getting closer...

[carhill]

I've always had a certain level of discomfort with women that do not have any female friends, or if they do, are constantly having dramas with said "friends"

 

I neglected this nuance; thanks I've been a tampon for that in the past as well; the biotching about the 'female friends'.

 

One thing I have experienced from a female perspective is god forbid I should ever get close to one of their boy toys! Perish the thought!

 

If one has the psychology that males are to be possessed for purposes (BF for sex; other men as worker monkeys and/or emotional tampons), then it follows that any time such a possession is threatened, there will be a response predicated upon the importance of that possession to the female's ego. Some possessions are easily let go; for example, the worker monkey who performs tasks. Many men perform tasks and are more likely to when offered the carrot of sex, even if disguised.

 

This is an area where I have better understanding than most of my male friends. I know my stbx can easily replace me for tasks with any number of males who wish to deposit sperm in her. Men are idiots in this way, IMO and yes, I'm among them, but at least I understand my idiocy. Understanding is the basis for relevant evolution, or so I hope

[Sam Spade]

Let me put it this way: a suicide bomber can be motivated by a mix of unfortunate circumstances, including traumatic upbringing, religious indoctrination, alienated and opressive society, sexual frustration, etc. etc. etc. That is all unfortunate, and I can sincerely emphatize, but regardless, he's still coming onto me with a explosive-laden vest, so I have no choice but to blow his effin brains out before he detonates.

[betamanlet]

Daddy issues cannot be fixed. just run.

[betamanlet]

Ya, it's not gonna change, she's gonna keep crying on his shoulder while letting a series of other guys screw her brains out.

 

 

Nah, she'll get knocked up and then want him to provide for her, then when she's bored of the stability, she'll go after unavailable guys again, like daddy. Like clockwork. Unfortunately this is INCREDIBLY common today due to all the poor decisions women make in men, so the mothers pick guys like this to have their kids, then the daughters grow up with daddy issues, just continuing the cycle, and it's only going to get worse and worse. Women have practically no self esteem these days and society glorifies single mothers.. It's PC, but it harms people mentally.

[Scottdmw]

OP, from one who has tried, it is very, very difficult to help meaningfully in resolving another person's psychological issues with their parents.

 

It is very easy to come up with a plausible sounding theory for why the person has the problems. You can invoke childhood experiences, distant parents, etc., and come up with something that sounds believable. The person you are trying to help may even “agree” that it's true. But, none of this gives you any real indication that it is actually true. The other person may even feed into the idea of what you are trying to solve, knowing all along that it's not the real problem and not wanting you to understand what the real problem is, because they want to deal with that even less. The “problem” meanwhile serves as a very convenient excuse for treating you badly.

 

It is difficult when you are already strongly emotionally attached to the person. You don't want to give up on them. You tell yourself that you really love them, and you want to help them. You tell yourself that everybody has some problems. Then you accept bad behavior from the person and get used to it, and your self-esteem starts deteriorating. They get used to treating you that way. Eventually the other person loses interest in you, because you keep accepting bad behavior. Or, maybe they just leave for whatever reason.

 

I would suggest you not put up with it. Don't sell yourself on the idea that the other person in the relationship deserves more understanding than you do because of their difficult upbringing. You deserve understanding too. You have every bit as much right to being treated with consideration.

 

It is up to the other person to decide for themselves that they want to fix the psychological issues, and to figure out what those issues really are and what needs to be done. If you will love them anyway, they have zero incentive to make those difficult steps.

 

You need to expect the other person to treat you right, and be willing to walk away if they don't. There is no other way. It is up to them and not you to get to a psychologically healthy place where they are able to treat you right.

 

Scott

[freestyle]

I know what you are talking about - I've always had a certain level of discomfort with women that do not have any female friends, or if they do, are constantly having dramas with said "friends" (nothing more than action figures to them, I get the feeling).

 

It hasn't always been the easiest thing to articulate, I've always been the kind that takes things in through the senses...works them through there...but Carhill, I get you there. Wish you wouldn't call it an 'tampon', though, to be quite honest!

 

The only friends of these women are men, really.

One thing I have experienced from a female perspective is god forbid I should ever get close to one of their boy toys! Perish the thought!

 

Bottom line is an "I want all the marbles" mentality? Hmmm...I don't think I've hit the real bottom line with that, but I think I'm getting closer...

 

 

I wonder if these women who only have guy friends are women with "Daddy" issues. DEM,with this post, actually you nailed something I've been unable to articulate myself; regarding this particular breed of female.

I've had to deal with one of those lately (a friend of my bf) and you described her perfectly, esp. the "perish the thought" comment.

 

"Nothing more than action figures" was also brilliant. I've always said "accessories" myself...........just someone to wear on the arm like a bracelet, no actual recognition of the other person as a fellow sentient being.........I like your analogy just as much-"action figures" denotes a lack of recognizing the friends as people, but rather lumps of plastic to be bent and twisted and shaped to whatever suits the need..........

 

Looking deeper at the motivation for wanting "all the marbles" , I think it is possible that an experience of paternal abandonment could be a factor.

 

 

To the OP, the dynamic you'll set up with psychoanalysis of your gf will

become very lopsided. It'll be like your the parent scolding the child, or the detective cross-examining the suspect. I'm speaking from personal experience, I've caught myself analyzing my bf too much, and in hindsight,

I probably left him feeling judged..................which wasn't my intention, but I can see now that I damged the bond, rather than reinforcing it.

You have to tread very carefully in a situation like this.

[deux ex machina]

Thanks, FS and Carhill.

 

 

I can only hope the OP takes what is said on board.

 

This stuff is so hard, it can be difficult to understand where to draw the line from understanding someone and making allowances - to justifying sticking around in a messed up situation.

 

This is where a boundaries come into play. Hard ones, I think. It's way too easy to drown otherwise.