ninadevil Posted November 7, 2009 Share Posted November 7, 2009 My boyfriend and I will be approaching our 5 year anniversary in January. Lately, I've been debating on whether to leave him or not. While we've had our ups and downs, we've been going strong and we've now lived together for a year and a half. I only moved in with him because I thought it would be a year and then he would ask me to marry him finally. Well, it hasn't happened nor does it look like it is going to happen. I've been contemplating a move to another state for a career change. He wants to come with me and I just can't seem to want to move again and still have no commitment, especially when we won't know anybody! I really love this man but I do feel like I should have a commitment if we are going to continue our lives together. I'm 28 and he's 30. I'm so ready to start a family and start the rest of our lives but he seems grounded where he's at, being less than motivated. For my birthday this year, he knew I wanted a ring and instead what did I get? Diamond earrings. I have told him that once our 5 year anniversary comes and we aren't engaged, I am simply pursuing my life and career change without him. I have a feeling he is just too comfortable with me. He does tell me he wants to get married and always says someday but someday does not seem to be even within a year. So, should I pursue my dreams without him? Or should I keep waiting for someday to come? I would really love to marry him but sadly, it seems he doesn't want to marry me. Link to post Share on other sites
JustLooking123 Posted November 8, 2009 Share Posted November 8, 2009 Did he know your expectation about living together for a year, then getting engaged? How did you communicate that you wanted a ring for your birthday? Sounds like he knows he doesn't have to "put up," so to speak. You've gone along with his way thus far. In January, you need to move on and live your life. His reaction to that will tell you everything you need to know. Link to post Share on other sites
clv0116 Posted November 8, 2009 Share Posted November 8, 2009 You've been together for 5 years and you say there's no commitment. That doesn't make sense. Has he said anything to make you believe it's a temporary thing for him? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 8, 2009 Share Posted November 8, 2009 Is it commitment you need or just a symbol of it? It sounds to me like he is committed, but it also sounds like marriage might be more important to you than your relationship. Perhaps that is what he is uncomfortable with. Your story sounds like one of the storylines in that movie 'He's Just Not That Into You' - where a girl and a guy are living together, have a life together but she wants to be married. Maybe you and he can watch that movie, and use that segment to really drive home how you feel. Particularly when he sees how that storyline ended. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted November 8, 2009 Share Posted November 8, 2009 Well, you already gave him an ultimatum so the ball is pretty much in his court. I understand the feeling of wanting to be married but do you really want to force him into marrying you? Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted November 8, 2009 Share Posted November 8, 2009 Oh Honey, I can only tell you my story, the decision will need to be yours. First let me just say I never come on this forum, I "live" on the seperation and divorce board, you will soon see why, but I just saw the title of your post on the main page and had to read it. My ex left me last March, after 18 years together, two weeks after we FINALLY set the date to marry! We had been together since highschool, stayed together all through seperate colleges, then lived together 10 years and had been engaged 8 years. Everytime I brought up setting the date, he would give an excuse, he was busy with work, we were wanting to move, his job looked uncertain, we couldn't afford the big wedding he so thought we deserved etc etc. At the time they all seemed so plausible, he would reassure me he loved me, we would marry one day, no question, he already thought of me as his wife and it was just the cermony etc. Two weeks after he walked me round four different wedding venues, two churches, a church service and we had the Vicar round to the house and set the date, told our parents, I told my bridesmaid etc, he said it all felt a bit real, he hadn't loved me in years, wasn't sure he ever had and left. Talk about a commitment phobia, so no, him being with me all that time was not a commitment b/c he never planned on marrying me, ever, he can't he has a problem, clearly, we were not having problems and a few weeks prior he had expressed how happy he was with me and how much he loved me. The decision is yours sweetie, I'm not saying your guy is cut from the same cloth, but please BE CAREFUL, don't let it go as long as I did, I am now 34 years old, living back at home with my parents and doing a law degree, b/c I was stpuid enough to be a housewife for him and live In London for his career! Good luck with whatever you decide. Link to post Share on other sites
clv0116 Posted November 8, 2009 Share Posted November 8, 2009 .... Talk about a commitment phobia, so no, him being with me all that time was not a commitment b/c he never planned on marrying me, ..... Oh honey, commitment is not the same as marriage. Was he a marriage-phobe? Apparently. The title of this thread should be "waiting for him to propose" I think. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted November 8, 2009 Share Posted November 8, 2009 (edited) Oh honey, commitment is not the same as marriage. Was he a marriage-phobe? Apparently. The title of this thread should be "waiting for him to propose" I think. Isn't it? How else do you commit to someone for life? Other people get married. Edited November 8, 2009 by LisaUk Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted November 9, 2009 Share Posted November 9, 2009 Oh honey, commitment is not the same as marriage. Was he a marriage-phobe? Apparently. The title of this thread should be "waiting for him to propose" I think. No the title is "waiting for him to committ." I think people see marriage as the "ultimate committment" and to me it is. However, to others (some men) committment means being there for their girlfriend and living with her, supporting her (emotionally), and loving her. You don't need marriage to have those. HOWEVER if marriage is important to the OP, then this guy may not be the one for her as it seems he is just not ready yet. Link to post Share on other sites
clv0116 Posted November 9, 2009 Share Posted November 9, 2009 Isn't it? How else do you commit to someone for life? Other people get married. He was with you (in your case) 18 years. That's longer than most marriages. I tend to agree that marriage is important and so on, but as others have pointed out it's not ONLY a form of commitment, it's a lot more. Women say they want commitment when they really want a legal contract, basically. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted November 9, 2009 Share Posted November 9, 2009 He was with you (in your case) 18 years. That's longer than most marriages. I tend to agree that marriage is important and so on, but as others have pointed out it's not ONLY a form of commitment, it's a lot more. Women say they want commitment when they really want a legal contract, basically. Well I had the legals, joint house, pensions the whole shabang, I just wanted him to COMMIT to be with me for better for worse in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer as long as we both shall live, I wanted to hear that from him and I refuse to feel bad for wanting that, I wanted a union and a life together. Having said that if he had spoken to me about his fear, I would have stayed b/c I loved him, instaed he choose to d**m near destroy me. I think we are getting into a philosophical debate here on what commitment is, that wasn't my purpose in posting, my purpose was to tell the OP what happened to me, b/c I beleive like me she wants that comittment form her BF and she has every right to that, everyone has the right to marry, in fact it's article 8 of the European Convention of Human Rights (think I mentionned the law degree), so clearly someone thinks it's more than a legal right, along with the right not to be used as a slave, not to suffer torture etc. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkToes Posted November 9, 2009 Share Posted November 9, 2009 I think you need to make the move and pursue your dreams without him. He knows what you want, but apparently he isn't interested in the same thing. The situation you're in is working for him, but not for you, so I'm afraid you'll need to be the one to make the change. Link to post Share on other sites
clv0116 Posted November 9, 2009 Share Posted November 9, 2009 Well I had the legals, joint house, pensions the whole shabang, I just wanted him to COMMIT to be with me for better for worse in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer as long as we both shall live ..... So a strictly civil ceremony would have been fine with you? Link to post Share on other sites
LDR Posted November 9, 2009 Share Posted November 9, 2009 Not to offend anyone but I dont understand how some people sometimes "ruin" great relationships because of the lack of a piece of paper. Sometimes I think that people who live together w/out getting married have more fulfilling relationships as it is easier to walk away, therefore they make a bigger effort to keep the other person happy. After reading some of the marriage forums here, sometimes that "piece of paper" keeps people trapped in unfulfilling relationships as it is more difficult to get out. I know that what the OP wants is to get married, but if everything else in the relationship with her bf is good, then she should think about this. As the previous posters said, marriage is not the only way of commitment. Part of commitment is compromising with the other person (in his case, not wanting to get married). Link to post Share on other sites
New Again Posted November 9, 2009 Share Posted November 9, 2009 My boyfriend and I will be approaching our 5 year anniversary in January. Lately, I've been debating on whether to leave him or not. While we've had our ups and downs, we've been going strong and we've now lived together for a year and a half. I only moved in with him because I thought it would be a year and then he would ask me to marry him finally. Well, it hasn't happened nor does it look like it is going to happen. I've been contemplating a move to another state for a career change. He wants to come with me and I just can't seem to want to move again and still have no commitment, especially when we won't know anybody! I really love this man but I do feel like I should have a commitment if we are going to continue our lives together. I'm 28 and he's 30. I'm so ready to start a family and start the rest of our lives but he seems grounded where he's at, being less than motivated. For my birthday this year, he knew I wanted a ring and instead what did I get? Diamond earrings. I have told him that once our 5 year anniversary comes and we aren't engaged, I am simply pursuing my life and career change without him. I have a feeling he is just too comfortable with me. He does tell me he wants to get married and always says someday but someday does not seem to be even within a year. So, should I pursue my dreams without him? Or should I keep waiting for someday to come? I would really love to marry him but sadly, it seems he doesn't want to marry me. If he wanted to be married to you, he would propose to you. Maybe it's because he takes you for granted, maybe not. Clearly, marriage is important to you, and I can't believe anyone is telling you that you shouldn't ruin a great relationship just because he won't propose to you - if you want to get married, then your needs and values aren't being met, and you aren't getting what you want out of the relationship. End of story. That said, you let him know how you feel about this, apparently on several different occasions. He knows where you stand, and he knows your timeline. Don't bring marriage or your future with him up again. AT ALL. Don't even think about it. Stop hinting about, stop making comments about it, stop asking him about it, stop nagging him about it, whatever you're doing in regards to that, JUST STOP. January isn't that far away. He knows where you stand and what you want. If your anniversary rolls around and he still hasn't made a move, then follow through: break up with him. If that also entails moving and changing careers, then so be it. Then, he will either finally get it in his head what he's losing and make some moves to marry you, or you'll know that he's not the guy for you, and you can move on and find someone who wants the same things you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted November 9, 2009 Share Posted November 9, 2009 If he wanted to be married to you, he would propose to you. Maybe it's because he takes you for granted, maybe not. Clearly, marriage is important to you, and I can't believe anyone is telling you that you shouldn't ruin a great relationship just because he won't propose to you - if you want to get married, then your needs and values aren't being met, and you aren't getting what you want out of the relationship. End of story. That said, you let him know how you feel about this, apparently on several different occasions. He knows where you stand, and he knows your timeline. Don't bring marriage or your future with him up again. AT ALL. Don't even think about it. Stop hinting about, stop making comments about it, stop asking him about it, stop nagging him about it, whatever you're doing in regards to that, JUST STOP. January isn't that far away. He knows where you stand and what you want. If your anniversary rolls around and he still hasn't made a move, then follow through: break up with him. If that also entails moving and changing careers, then so be it. Then, he will either finally get it in his head what he's losing and make some moves to marry you, or you'll know that he's not the guy for you, and you can move on and find someone who wants the same things you want. Yes, I agree with all this. One more thought also: you gave him an ultimatum. If he doesn't propose you will need to actually STICK TO IT. If he doesn't propose and you stay with him I guarantee he will never marry you then. He will just see it as a ploy and an empty threat. That's why I think that if you are going to have a timeline set it internally. If he wants to marry you he will propose. Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted November 9, 2009 Share Posted November 9, 2009 My boyfriend and I will be approaching our 5 year anniversary in January. Lately, I've been debating on whether to leave him or not. While we've had our ups and downs, we've been going strong and we've now lived together for a year and a half. I only moved in with him because I thought it would be a year and then he would ask me to marry him finally. Well, it hasn't happened nor does it look like it is going to happen. I've been contemplating a move to another state for a career change. He wants to come with me and I just can't seem to want to move again and still have no commitment, especially when we won't know anybody! I really love this man but I do feel like I should have a commitment if we are going to continue our lives together. I'm 28 and he's 30. I'm so ready to start a family and start the rest of our lives but he seems grounded where he's at, being less than motivated. For my birthday this year, he knew I wanted a ring and instead what did I get? Diamond earrings. I have told him that once our 5 year anniversary comes and we aren't engaged, I am simply pursuing my life and career change without him. I have a feeling he is just too comfortable with me. He does tell me he wants to get married and always says someday but someday does not seem to be even within a year. So, should I pursue my dreams without him? Or should I keep waiting for someday to come? I would really love to marry him but sadly, it seems he doesn't want to marry me. If you've been together for five years and your BF has still not proposed, I doubt he ever will. Sorry to say so. But 5 years is long enough to be patient. You need to tell him exactly what you want and demand a straight answer. If he waffles, leave. You are wasting your time. More and more men in their 20s, 30s, and even 40s are choosing not to get married. They see it as a lose-lose proposition. Once, men needed marriage to have sex, to be respected by their families and employers, to achieve full person hood, really. That is no longer true. Men now often see no advantage in getting married, and are terrified of the financial consequences of divorce. They weigh the pros and cons of marriage and say forget it. Your BF may be one of these men. Link to post Share on other sites
New Again Posted November 9, 2009 Share Posted November 9, 2009 If you've been together for five years and your BF has still not proposed, I doubt he ever will. Sorry to say so. But 5 years is long enough to be patient. You need to tell him exactly what you want and demand a straight answer. If he waffles, leave. You are wasting your time. More and more men in their 20s, 30s, and even 40s are choosing not to get married. They see it as a lose-lose proposition. Once, men needed marriage to have sex, to be respected by their families and employers, to achieve full person hood, really. That is no longer true. Men now often see no advantage in getting married, and are terrified of the financial consequences of divorce. They weigh the pros and cons of marriage and say forget it. Your BF may be one of these men. Pretty much. Although I do agree a lot with the second paragraph, I also think that in a lot of cases, for one reason or another the guy just doesn't want to marry the girl he's currently with. If he met the "right" girl, he'd propose. OP, you should just say "If after 5 years you don't know if you want to marry me, I think we should go our separate ways. Peace." Then see what happens. Either he proposes and sets a date, or you get to move on and find a guy who wants to marry you. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted November 9, 2009 Share Posted November 9, 2009 (edited) I have told him that once our 5 year anniversary comes and we aren't engaged, I am simply pursuing my life and career change without him. That's your only choice now, or just not get married and be content with that. But you know you will never be content with your relationship as is. If you're like me, you value marriage, you want a marriage with the man you love. And you need a guy who shares and respects your values. You're going to have to do it, you're going to have to move on, you're going to have to change what your doing for different results. It's going to take a change to get a change, and that change involves you moving out. Moving out doesn't mean the relationship has to end, but you do have to show him where this is going. Won't be easy, but you'll be more satisfied. Best wishes going out to you. What a difficult situation! Stay strong, and always keep your communication open and honest with him. Edited November 9, 2009 by Ms. Joolie Link to post Share on other sites
PinkToes Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 More and more men in their 20s, 30s, and even 40s are choosing not to get married. They see it as a lose-lose proposition. Men now often see no advantage in getting married. They weigh the pros and cons of marriage and say forget it. In my opinion, women would be a lot better off taking on this belief as well. Women used to need marriage in order to be supported financially and have kids. This is no longer true. And curiously, married women always score lower on personal happiness surveys than married men. So I have a really hard time understanding why some women (not the OP, in this example) are so desperate to get married, when statistics don't indicate that they will necessarily be happier for it. What is it then, that drives this obsession? Link to post Share on other sites
aerogurl87 Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 Oh Honey, I can only tell you my story, the decision will need to be yours. First let me just say I never come on this forum, I "live" on the seperation and divorce board, you will soon see why, but I just saw the title of your post on the main page and had to read it. My ex left me last March, after 18 years together, two weeks after we FINALLY set the date to marry! We had been together since highschool, stayed together all through seperate colleges, then lived together 10 years and had been engaged 8 years. Everytime I brought up setting the date, he would give an excuse, he was busy with work, we were wanting to move, his job looked uncertain, we couldn't afford the big wedding he so thought we deserved etc etc. At the time they all seemed so plausible, he would reassure me he loved me, we would marry one day, no question, he already thought of me as his wife and it was just the cermony etc. Two weeks after he walked me round four different wedding venues, two churches, a church service and we had the Vicar round to the house and set the date, told our parents, I told my bridesmaid etc, he said it all felt a bit real, he hadn't loved me in years, wasn't sure he ever had and left. Talk about a commitment phobia, so no, him being with me all that time was not a commitment b/c he never planned on marrying me, ever, he can't he has a problem, clearly, we were not having problems and a few weeks prior he had expressed how happy he was with me and how much he loved me. The decision is yours sweetie, I'm not saying your guy is cut from the same cloth, but please BE CAREFUL, don't let it go as long as I did, I am now 34 years old, living back at home with my parents and doing a law degree, b/c I was stpuid enough to be a housewife for him and live In London for his career! Good luck with whatever you decide. Your post reminded me of one of my favourite quotes from this book called Wedding Belles. It said "a woman with a ring and a date is engaged, but a woman with a ring and no date is just a mistress." But I digress. OP if he hasn't dropped to one knee yet and you two don't have a date set, it's probably not ever gonna happen. I have this uncle who is scared to death of getting married again because of his psycho ex wife. So he met this lady, they got engaged and were engaged for about 3 years. Both of them had good jobs, lived together, and were seemingly happy but everybody in my family knew my uncle was never going to marry her. She would threaten to leave him if they didn't set a date and she even did, but she always came back and my uncle grew keen to her game and guess what? They never got married. She finally figured out that he was never going to marry her and that he had only agreed to get engaged so that she wouldn't leave him at first. So if you want to really get married I'd say focus on yourself and not on your boyfriend. If he comes around, he comes around, but don't wait on him after waiting this long. Link to post Share on other sites
bbf Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 In my opinion, women would be a lot better off taking on this belief as well. Women used to need marriage in order to be supported financially and have kids. This is no longer true. And curiously, married women always score lower on personal happiness surveys than married men. So I have a really hard time understanding why some women (not the OP, in this example) are so desperate to get married, when statistics don't indicate that they will necessarily be happier for it. What is it then, that drives this obsession? Maybe married women have higher expectations than men about how great married life will be. Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 It looks like you'll have to move on. 5 years and no marriage proposal or talks about it, arrangements??? Let him go, otherwise, more years of your life will be wasted. Find a man that shares similar views and values as yours... Link to post Share on other sites
dimeified Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 (edited) I understand the frustations and the feelings of lack of commitment, but you said he wants to come with you if u move to another state. This means him leaving friends, family, possibly the place he grew up, all for you. It may not be an engagement ring but it's a step. Could be a fresh start, starting a new life together. I don't know why any guy would do all that for someone he doesn't truly want to be with. I know i wouldn't. Edited November 11, 2009 by dimeified Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 I understand the frustations and the feelings of lack of commitment, but you said he wants to come with you if u move to another state. This means him leaving friends, family, possibly the place he grew up, all for you. It may not be an engagement ring but it's a step. Could be a fresh start, starting a new life together. I don't know why any guy would do all that for someone he doesn't truly want to be with. I know i wouldn't. That's a great point. If he's willing to move for you, that shows a lot about his love and commitment to you. But it is your choice, and it's about values, too. You know what you want by marriage, and what value you place on that. Do you choose a marriage or do you choose a man who loves you but does not share in your idea of marriage? I've had to ask myself the same thing. I choose marriage, because I cannot escape my values. Link to post Share on other sites
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