I did it because I loved her.

[Crusoe]

Hi Tojaz, I just wanted to write as your story is similar to mine. I quit a career as a pro sportsman to look after my ex and became a scaffolder instead. Cared for and supported her for years through her illness because, like yourself, I loved her and saw it as my duty. Eventually she stopped taking the meds and left. By that time I was 30 years old, tens of thousands in debt, doing a job I hated, completely alone in the world and the injuries sustained from years of scaffolding meant I could never go back to the sport as a professional. That was 9 years ago and I want to tell you mate, what you are going through at the moment is not game over. Far from it.

 

I am also the type of fella who gives 150% and for while after our split I tried to stop being like that, to lead a more balanced life, but in the end I went back to my old all or nothing ways. Over the last nine years I set up a scaffolding business, cleared my debts and earnt a lot of money. I then put my body through hell in an attempt to play my sport again and two years later managed to qualify as an amatuer for a tour event, it will never happen again but I kind of reclaimed my life that week. I then took up voluntary work teaching the sport to kids, also got involved voluntary protection group and even got to work alongside the Gurkas for a while. I would never have been able to do those things whilst with my ex and I still have plenty more things I want to do.

 

What I am long windedly getting round to saying is, if you are the type of man who can give 150% the world is your oyster. The ability to put your mind, body and soul through hell for a cause is what makes you special, not many can do that. You have already changed someones life for the better, not many can lay claim to that. I have said it before, the measure of a man is by what he is prepared to give. Therefore you are big, big man by my reckoning.

 

The thing to learn now is to start giving that 150% to yourself. Once that is done you can start doing it for others again. Take time to get over things, then take every ounce of what you gave her and give it to yourself. For the first time in years you are free, your life is yours again, you've been given a second chance, now its your turn to go chase your dreams. Inspire yourself, and go be all you can be. You deserve it.

[tojaz]

You my Man would have a great Marine!

 

Why?

 

Because you put others before yourself!

 

In short!

 

You give a good GD about others!

 

I enlisted in the Corps to serve my patrotic chore!

 

I felt I owed those that had gone before me! And that I owed those that would come after me!

 

You make me proud that I choose to do so!

 

Past the tourch!

 

Let Freedom ring!

 

Don't know that I deserve that Gunny, but thanks.

 

By the way, i would have made a lousy Marine, I don't take well to being hollered at and can't pull off the flat top! :laugh:

 

While I may have made a lousy Marine, I sure am thankful for guys like you that made good ones. <snapping salute> Thank you and others like you for your service Gunny!

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

Tojaz, she didn't appreciate you, she just didn't know how lucky she was. I feel lucky to have just "met" you on this forum, you have a caring heart that shows through your posts and the help, comfort and advice that you give to others, how your ex wife was unable to see this, I will never know. Don't ever change yourself Tojaz, don't ever stop giving b/c you worry you expect too much, that is a wonderful quality to have and one of the many you possess that make you the great man you are.

 

Lisa

PS I like the Waterhouse avatar.

 

This is quickly becoming the Kiss Tojaz's A$$ thread! I'm fine everyone, just digging a little deeper into my own head and sharing it with you all to get some feed back.

 

I appreciate the post though Lis, means a lot.

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

Hi Tojaz, I just wanted to write as your story is similar to mine. I quit a career as a pro sportsman to look after my ex and became a scaffolder instead. Cared for and supported her for years through her illness because, like yourself, I loved her and saw it as my duty. Eventually she stopped taking the meds and left. By that time I was 30 years old, tens of thousands in debt, doing a job I hated, completely alone in the world and the injuries sustained from years of scaffolding meant I could never go back to the sport as a professional. That was 9 years ago and I want to tell you mate, what you are going through at the moment is not game over. Far from it.

 

I am also the type of fella who gives 150% and for while after our split I tried to stop being like that, to lead a more balanced life, but in the end I went back to my old all or nothing ways. Over the last nine years I set up a scaffolding business, cleared my debts and earnt a lot of money. I then put my body through hell in an attempt to play my sport again and two years later managed to qualify as an amatuer for a tour event, it will never happen again but I kind of reclaimed my life that week. I then took up voluntary work teaching the sport to kids, also got involved voluntary protection group and even got to work alongside the Gurkas for a while. I would never have been able to do those things whilst with my ex and I still have plenty more things I want to do.

 

What I am long windedly getting round to saying is, if you are the type of man who can give 150% the world is your oyster. The ability to put your mind, body and soul through hell for a cause is what makes you special, not many can do that. You have already changed someones life for the better, not many can lay claim to that. I have said it before, the measure of a man is by what he is prepared to give. Therefore you are big, big man by my reckoning.

 

The thing to learn now is to start giving that 150% to yourself. Once that is done you can start doing it for others again. Take time to get over things, then take every ounce of what you gave her and give it to yourself. For the first time in years you are free, your life is yours again, you've been given a second chance, now its your turn to go chase your dreams. Inspire yourself, and go be all you can be. You deserve it.

 

You Crusoe hit the nail on the head. I'm finding a lot of things that make me happy. Some new adventures. Etc. I'm just wading in, but I'm going to get there. Glad to hear you were able to do the same thing. Sounds like your quite the big man yourself. Be proud of that!

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

took an emotional beating this weekend from two sides. The details of both situations aren't as important as the lessons learned.

 

One: No good deed goes unpunished.

 

Two: You can't change perception. If someone has already formed an opinin, then your actions mean nothing. No matter how much caring and respect you give a person, if thay have made the decision you are wrong. You will be demonized in order to prove their point. Even if their evidence and explanations contradict themselves. There is no logic because your side is not valid! Even if you have a reasonable and just explanation, it will never be heard. :(

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

if you are the type of man who can give 150% the world is your oyster. The ability to put your mind, body and soul through hell for a cause is what makes you special, not many can do that. You have already changed someones life for the better, not many can lay claim to that. I have said it before, the measure of a man is by what he is prepared to give. Therefore you are big, big man by my reckoning.

 

The thing to learn now is to start giving that 150% to yourself. Once that is done you can start doing it for others again. Take time to get over things, then take every ounce of what you gave her and give it to yourself. For the first time in years you are free, your life is yours again, you've been given a second chance, now its your turn to go chase your dreams. Inspire yourself, and go be all you can be. You deserve it.

 

This was a great post, and so true. A second chance in life for what you want....I'm learning this at the moment myself. Tojaz, a lot of wisdom in that post, you are such a good person you deserve nothing but happiness.

 

took an emotional beating this weekend from two sides. The details of both situations aren't as important as the lessons learned.

 

One: No good deed goes unpunished.

 

Not true - only selfish and cynical people who want the upperhand punish people who do good deeds. Powertrip....I know this first hand as well.

 

Two: You can't change perception. If someone has already formed an opinin, then your actions mean nothing. No matter how much caring and respect you give a person, if thay have made the decision you are wrong. You will be demonized in order to prove their point. Even if their evidence and explanations contradict themselves. There is no logic because your side is not valid! Even if you have a reasonable and just explanation, it will never be heard. :(

 

TOJAZ

 

This must have been the weekend for being thankful and emotional beatings. Sorry Don't sweat the small stuff....I think I have heard that somewhere before.

Edited November 23, 2009 by trippi1432

[tojaz]

Been a busy day on LS today. So many poor souls falling into the Holiday backslide trap. Every one hurts and all the pain we have fought so hard against rises to the surface to begin anew. Trying with all I have not to suffer the same fate, but it seems to be all around.

 

Some recent contact with the ex has had my head swimming. Totally lost in thought. A lot of the same kind of thoughts that consume everyone here now it seems. Almost makes me feel like a hypocrite to post my own thoughts after advising so many today. Yet the missing her and my life are plain as day, even though I can see how she sees me, and I now how she feels, I slide back into a sense of false hope at the slightest sliver of a kind gesture. I recognize it for what it is though, just a game to be played, and I'm determined not to give up any of my hard fought ground!

 

Once again into the breech!

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

Didn't sleep much last night for some reason. Spent the night talking with a friend whos having trouble in her own relationship. She sent me this poem this morning, said it reminded her of me, kind of sad, but really hits home today. Sure it's just the holidays approaching, but thought I'd share it anyways. (Thanks Kel)

 

THE PAIN INSIDE

 

Here it comes again,

PAIN. PAIN. PAIN.

As soon as I awake,

my heart begins to ache.

Like a dark and stormy sea,

the sadness begins to smother me.

I try to fight it, not to give in,

after all it wasn't my sin.

If I try my best to ignore the sorrow

maybe the pain will be gone tomorrow.

I put on the face that has served me well,

it hides the secrets I could never tell.

Used, broken, and saddened,

always feeling so abandoned.

Oh why can't I make myself see

the wrong was not done by me.

 

-Faith

[broken hearted]

Wow Tojaz, that really hits home for me too!! I had a horrible day/night yesterday and I can't seem to turn my brain off! I was beginning to do so well now I'm back in the deepest darkest part of that hole again. The words of that poem are so true for all of us here!

[tojaz]

Wow Tojaz, that really hits home for me too!! I had a horrible day/night yesterday and I can't seem to turn my brain off! I was beginning to do so well now I'm back in the deepest darkest part of that hole again. The words of that poem are so true for all of us here!

Yes it is in a lot of ways, for you especially, I think you should pay special attention to a couple of lines!

 

THE PAIN INSIDE

 

Here it comes again,

PAIN. PAIN. PAIN.

As soon as I awake,

my heart begins to ache.

Like a dark and stormy sea,

the sadness begins to smother me.

I try to fight it, not to give in,

after all it wasn't my sin.

If I try my best to ignore the sorrow

maybe the pain will be gone tomorrow.

I put on the face that has served me well,

it hides the secrets I could never tell.

Used, broken, and saddened,

always feeling so abandoned.

Oh why can't I make myself see

the wrong was not done by me.

 

-Faith

[soheartbroken]

Been a busy day on LS today. So many poor souls falling into the Holiday backslide trap. Every one hurts and all the pain we have fought so hard against rises to the surface to begin anew. Trying with all I have not to suffer the same fate, but it seems to be all around.

 

Some recent contact with the ex has had my head swimming. Totally lost in thought. A lot of the same kind of thoughts that consume everyone here now it seems. Almost makes me feel like a hypocrite to post my own thoughts after advising so many today. Yet the missing her and my life are plain as day, even though I can see how she sees me, and I now how she feels, I slide back into a sense of false hope at the slightest sliver of a kind gesture. I recognize it for what it is though, just a game to be played, and I'm determined not to give up any of my hard fought ground!

 

Once again into the breech!

TOJAZ

 

Don't feel like a hypocrite. We're all here for you as well. Even the wise ones have their days.

[tojaz]

Don't feel like a hypocrite. We're all here for you as well. Even the wise ones have their days.

 

Yeah, wise, thats it! :rolleyes:

[PWSX3]

Yeah, wise, thats it! :rolleyes:

Tojaz, it sounds like you forgot to go out & spread some sunshine on your face.

 

Now who controls your life????? YOU MY FRIEND!!!

 

We also need to live in the now, don't look ahead to tomorrow or the next day.

 

Go out & buy yourself a starter nativity set, just the manger & baby Jesus, or just Mary & Josheph. Next year you add one more piece, then the next year the same. Starting a new beginning with the pieces you have chosen to add.

Won't matter if next year they don't have the same set, each piece will show a different part in your growth.

[tojaz]

Yeah PW, I'm a little down the last week or so, but my heads still in the game so I can't be that bad off. Grabbed a little sunshine in the form of my sister and nephews to put a smile on my face, treated them to dinner and had a good time. Already have a nativity, but I have always done the hallmark christmas ornaments. My aunt started buying me one every year as a christmas tradition. Always looked forward to trimming the tree as no 2 ornaments on it are the same and each marks a different point in my life dating back to handmade stuff from my childhood aqnd even before. Maybe its time to start a new tradition though. Thanks for the idea PW!

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

So tired of hurting and being hurt! Worst part is, i set myself up for it time and time again. Why is it, that the more you try to do right by others, the more your abused? Do I really need to become a selfish person and think only of myself as a way to defend myself from hurt? What has become of this world?

TOJAZ

[Surfer Girl]

She won't really feel the loss of you unless she knows she really has lost you....

[cvalencia]

Hi Tojaz,

I'm kind of in your shoes. I was there for my husband when he needed me. Took him in when his father kicked him out, then we married. We struggled. He lost his job for six months, and I tried to make him feel better about himself. He gets a better job, things are looking better. But he decides he wants to leave. He wants to be alone, get to know himself, be irresponsible and selfish.

I feel your pain. You seem like a wonderful guy, who loved your wife and put her needs first. I wish my husband thought like you. I wish I could find someone like you, who commits completely to his love, just like I'd give myself completely to him.

[soheartbroken]

Hi Tojaz.

 

Your posts are so vague...I don't understand what's happening to you, how you're being taken advantage of. I mean, I believe you, it's just hard to comment when I don't have the specifics. I get the feeling this isn't about your ex.

 

I'm not trying to blame the victim here, but do you have expectations when you help someone, and those expectations get let down? Perhaps you shouldn't put yourself out there unless you have no expectations of getting anything in return.

 

Ok. I'm sure this came across horribly. Sorry.

[Boundary Problem]

Hi Tojaz.

 

Your posts are so vague...I don't understand what's happening to you, how you're being taken advantage of. I mean, I believe you, it's just hard to comment when I don't have the specifics. I get the feeling this isn't about your ex.

 

I'm not trying to blame the victim here, but do you have expectations when you help someone, and those expectations get let down? Perhaps you shouldn't put yourself out there unless you have no expectations of getting anything in return.

 

Ok. I'm sure this came across horribly. Sorry.

 

 

Doesn't that describe indifference?

 

Only certain people would become involved in a situation where the giving was one-way. Let's call it Dysfunction Junction. I know I'm guilty of over-giving and I've tried to stop.

[soheartbroken]

I hope my post wasn't offensive.

 

Ya, there's only so much one-way giving anyone can do, or should be expected to do.

 

I guess what I was saying is unless you're prepared for it to be one-way, and you accept that, then cut back on the giving!

 

On the other hand, it's wonderful that you're such a giving fellow. I don't want to encourage you to become selfish.

 

Am I making sense Tojaz?

[tojaz]

Hi Tojaz.

 

Your posts are so vague...I don't understand what's happening to you, how you're being taken advantage of. I mean, I believe you, it's just hard to comment when I don't have the specifics. I get the feeling this isn't about your ex.

 

I'm not trying to blame the victim here, but do you have expectations when you help someone, and those expectations get let down? Perhaps you shouldn't put yourself out there unless you have no expectations of getting anything in return.

 

Ok. I'm sure this came across horribly. Sorry.

 

Hi SHB,

 

Yes it is vague. Sorry about that, long night. I've been asked to help a lot of people recently. Close friends, family, some people on LS, and yes, even my ex. Everyone has problems and I seem to always be the guy to fix it.

 

I'll admit that yes, sometimes I had expectations. Nothing lofty though, just simple respect. I guess that is too much to expect though. A thank you, or an I'm Sorry can mean so much some times. Is that really too much to expect?

 

Is it too much to acknowledge that I have feelings and hurt of my own sometimes and just cant always put that aside to be there for someone else? Sometimes I need a little help too.

 

Sorry, still vague. I'll try to spell it out later.

TOJAZ

[soheartbroken]

Well, if you need help, then ask for it on the board! Just because you give so much advice doesn't mean you can't post your own issues and have us comment. Or just post and get it out, even if you don't really need advice.

 

Yes, thank-yous and sorrys can mean a lot. Problem is, when people are so focused on their problem, they can forget to thank those that are helping them.

 

I have a really tough time with some of my friends who are going through their own breakups. Hearing their stories really triggers some of the trauma that I went through, and it's very hard for me to be there for my friends. I had to be honest with one of them and tell them how hard it was. So, even though she was there for me, it became really difficult for me to be there for her.

[soheartbroken]

Have you addressed, with your counselor (as far as I know you still have one), this issue of helping others to your own detriment?

 

Sometimes people come across as self-sacrificing saints, but really it's baggage that they carry. Like my ex was so incredibly nurturing (to me), but I think this behaviour was actually due to unresolved baggage that she had, rather than out of love for me.

 

I also know someone who I talked to a lot throughout the breakup, and this someone was telling me that she was always the good kid caught in the middle, the good friend whose deeds went un-reciprocated, and the perfect girlfriend who always got dumped.

 

After awhile, I started to realize that she herself has issues. Nobody is that nice...she wasn't purely a victim. I saw some sides to her that I didn't like, and we are no longer close.

 

I can tell that I'm not making much sense, and I'm not trying to piss you off.

 

I just think that your supposedly altruistic behaviour might be coming from somewhere worth exploring.

 

Oh. And I hope that overall LS has been a positive experience for you.

[tojaz]

Yes, I have talked to a counselor about my "supposed altruistic behavior" in great detail. How much do you want to know?

 

Its what a shrink would call family of origin. I don't come from a life filled with much trust. Spent most of my childhood in a town devoid of children, with an alcoholic and abusive mother, you grow up fast in a situation like that. Became a surrogate parent to my sister after my father passed and my mother couldn't be bothered with the job. My mother chose to cash in the life insurance and S.S. money to provide for her own future and her new husband while I provided for me and my sister any way I could. Not much of a childhood when it's spent hiding what little money and your possessions from your own mother lest they be stolen. I was 12. Spent the years after that in the workforce in one form or another, surrounded by a cold world and violence.

 

I'm going to stop ranting as this is starting to sound like a pity party on my behalf, and it isn't. To be honest most days I'm pretty thankful for the hard life I've led. It's made me a stronger and wiser person in many respects. Didn't do much to help build trust though. Many of the people I've cared for the most have let me down, usually when i needed them the most. i would describe myself as having maybe 4 true friends in my life. 2 have passed on, taken from me violently and both by people they should have been able to trust. Another became my wife.

 

So, yes I have baggage, and yes, I'm the first to admit that I have trust issues. I decided long ago after being surrounded by selfish people, that I wasn't going to be like the people I've had in my life. That life has left me very selective of who I let in and who I trust, because to be let in is to receive all I can give, and yes sometimes to my own detriment. Yet I derive a lot of satisfaction and pleasure from being that way. Why I am still here on LS and probably will be for quite some time, but at the odd time that trust and care is betrayed, there is a lot of sensitivity there and there is so much further to fall.

 

So yeah, I have my issues and they are no more or no less important then anyone elses. I'm no self sacrificing saint, and i mess up just like anyone else, but i do my best. Sometimes it gets the better of me, but in the end, sometimes were all entitled to slip a little.

TOJAZ

[soheartbroken]

Well then. Sounds like you've looked deep into it and done a lot of self-reflection and I will therefore keep my nose out of it! And I don't think what you're writing qualifies as a pity party.

 

Your background sounds a lot like the background of that person I mentioned.