2.5 years later

[spookie]

We were together for 3 years. Most of it was magical. We were 18 when we met, and as often happens with people so young, we became a part of each other, melting into one identity with our love and need.

 

Our junior year of college, things started falling apart. It's easy to blame myself here. My worst fear always was losing him, and I had become addicted to picking fights, just to feel the relief that comes with making up. I considered it a weekend unfulfilled if we didn't spend at least one night yelling, crying, and subsequently staying up all night to make love.

 

I was probably a monster of a girlfriend.

 

Anyways, he tried to break it off with me a couple of times. He insisted that he loved me, but it just wasn't working. Our longest separation was over winter break: I was a wreck. I could literally feel my heart breaking. Prior to this, I hadn't gone more than a day without talking to him for more than 2 years, and I missed him so much, it was impossible to function.

 

As soon as we came back to college after winter break, we got back together, and shortly thereafter, I got pregnant.

 

Our relationship was going really well - no fights at all - and I would have wanted to keep the baby - had he wanted. But he adamantly insisted we weren't ready. So, I had an abortion.

 

After that things got real bad. The abortion had been a bigger deal to me than to him, and I expected more support, not to mention to feel like he was more serious about me. I was passive agressive about expressing my needs to him, and we fought all the time....

 

Shortly before the end of our junior year, we broke up again.

 

That night, I drove to a friend's house and did a bunch of drugs. I spent the evening rolled up in a ball, crying my heart out. I knew that it was finally over.

 

The summer was a mess - my mom found out about the abortion, called me a slut, and said that I was disowned. I went back to my university town, ran out of money, had nothing to pay for college with, and started stripping. I spent a whole year trying to drink myself into oblivion.

 

Eventually, I found a real job in another city. I was still depressed, but my life looked like it might be going somewhere. I didn't believe I could ever love someone as much as I loved him, but the stripping was wearing me out, and I needed something to change.

 

That summer, I started dating someone else. It wasn't really a serious relationship, but he was a nice guy, who treated me really well. Even though it ended after, the experience made me realize all that I had been missing out on with Wesley... even if I did love him.

 

A few months later, I fell in love with someone else....

 

After not having spoken to me for 2 years, one day, I got a phone call from Wesley. He wanted to see how I was doing - he'd heard I'd moved away.

 

I still missed him, and I was really happy he'd gotten over whatever hurt I'd caused HIM - but hearing his voice did not make me wish we were back together. I was simply glad he wanted to be friends.

 

Well, now, we are. This is something I did not expect at all in all the years I'd spent loving him so hard from so far away.

 

The moral of the story is, NC works to heal your wounds - no matter how much you love someone, no matter how strongly you believe they were so right for you, and that you'll never move on.

 

I still believe, just like I always have, that he was my soulmate. But it doens't hurt anymore to know we won't end up together. I am currently single, and happy. I feel complete all on my own.

 

And I want to end up with someone totally different.

 

Now I see that there are things I want - need - that he is simply incapable of giving. I am sure the reverse is true as well - we are simply better off apart, though remains one of my most important people. More than anyone, he taught me about myself, about how to survive, and how strong I really am - and for those reasons, I hope we stay friends. I want him near, so I can wish for the best for him.

[jerbear]

Spookie, I think you've matured.

 

I think you'll do fine and BTW you never know what the future holds. I've heard stories of people being in different places in time and decades later they end up as soulmates at that time. (i.e. empty nest, widower/widowed, retirement, etc...)