How to deal with Escapism?

[DenverBachelor]

JLoves,

 

How are your kids doing lately through all of this? Especially the younger one -- do they understand what's going on? Do they ever ask you hard questions?

 

What about her parents? Her mother and father (who is suffering from dementia). How's that going?

 

How are you holding up? Are you slowly getting back out there? I know "dating" per se might be too soon but you could still have fun and see people. I know it helped me after my breakup.

[JLoves]

The kids seem to be doing ok. They pretty much continue as if nothing has happened, other than mum is not here.

 

Christmas happened as usual, they got presents and stuff. Got to spend the morning with me at home and the afternoon with W and her family.

 

I think that since they are still living in the family home with me looking after them as usual that they are handling it better than expected. I do get the questions asking if mum can come home from my older boy. I just answer honestly that I'd like mum to come home too.

 

The younger one, I'm not sure whats going on in her head. She seems ok as well. I get and give plenty of hugs and cuddles and tell them that mum and dad love them very much.

 

As for her parents, I have no idea how they are doing since I've not seen them since we split. It's a 45 min drive to the other part of the city that I rarely visit, so I've not had the opportunity to visit them. I'm not sure if I want to. I guess I need to make that happen. No point alienating her parents needlessly. If they disown me then I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

 

I was holding up ok until today which was pretty hard. Summer school holidays are getting to me since I am with the kids 24/7 at the moment. Was going a bit crazy today and getting depressed.

 

I've decided in my mind that she will come back of her own accord if she wants to. I have no control of that. (other than doing things for myself, not to get her back).

 

The main problem is getting back onto the bandwagon as they say. It's far to easy to sit back and roll along waiting for something to come along, (like I've done all my life pretty much).

 

Thats why I really want to embrace Chromes idea of doing something every month. It's a target that feels possible even though it feels really hard.

 

Do something new every month, and be happier in her presence. Maybe time to read that chapter in divorce remedy again.

[Phateless]

A relationship ending is the perfect opportunity for change; to reinvent yourself; to do something BOLD. I'm glad that you realize it's time to take action and make your own life better.

 

You might look back on her leaving as the best thing that ever happened to you. I know I do.

[JLoves]

I hate facebook,twitter,etc...

 

Why can't I stop myself from looking... Facebook, no problems, I removed her as a friend and her settings have it so only friends can see her posts.. I have to go through someone else if I really want to know.. Thats enough to stop me doing it.

 

Twitter is another thing, open to anyone to read and facebook is blocked at her workplace so she uses twitter to announce to the world what she is doing/feeling.

 

And its the one site that allows anyone to read it.. just.. can't.. stop.. hurting.. myself..

[Phateless]

i hate facebook,twitter,etc...

 

Why can't i stop myself from looking... Facebook, no problems, i removed her as a friend and her settings have it so only friends can see her posts.. I have to go through someone else if i really want to know.. Thats enough to stop me doing it.

 

Twitter is another thing, open to anyone to read and facebook is blocked at her workplace so she uses twitter to announce to the world what she is doing/feeling.

 

And its the one site that allows anyone to read it.. Just.. Can't.. Stop.. Hurting.. Myself..

 

JUST STOP!!! You are only hurting yourself...

[JLoves]

JUST STOP!!! You are only hurting yourself...

 

Damn... You guys have all the answers...

[Phateless]

Damn... You guys have all the answers...

 

Damn right! It's sheer willpower and nothing more than making a decision you can stick to.

 

No excuses, just make it happen.

 

Btw, this is your accountability check-in. What action steps have you already taken toward rebuilding yourself and what steps do you have planned?

 

Be specific.

[JLoves]

It's 3am and I'm awake and sitting on the pain roller coaster.

 

I haven't posted for 2 months. Things were going ok, and now all the pain and hurt is back and right now I don't know how to cope.

 

I found out on Sunday that my stbx changed her facebook status to 'in a relationship' and it's started the downward spiral again. (I didn't look, but a friend told me because he was concerned about the kids)

 

I have been clinging onto the hope that she would come back but that has been dashed in one go.

 

I'm angry about the way I found out, disappointed, hurt.. I'm cross that I was the sucker who was baby sitting the kids for her on 'her weekend' while she was out clubbing and shagging someone. (she came back the next morning, picked up the kids for the rest of the day and changed her status the moment she walked in her place). Baby sitting is not happening again.

 

I also find out she's going away camping this weekend, I assume with the bf.. and it hurts because it would have been my wedding anniversary on Sunday.

 

I'm trying to avoid finding out what she is doing because I know it will cause me pain, just when I needed to not know, I let one slip.

 

I'm dreading the phone call/email if/when she tells me that she is involved with someone..

 

I'm getting those old chest pains back again every time I check my mail, or the phone rings. I've not had them for a long time.

 

Just want the hurt to go away.. Wish she would disappear out of my life.

Edited March 8, 2010 by JLoves

[JLoves]

Got a message on the answer phone this morning while I was out and a text message asking to talk when kids aren't around.

 

Call her a little later, she wanted to tell me she has no money and can't pay 1/2 the house bill like she said. She's seen a community lawyer and they told her that she doesn't have to pay anything since I'm living in the house, and that the child support she pays should pay for everything for the kids.

 

She can go to a weekend music festival, buy mc'ds for the kids dinner, go to an expensive concert though. Her words.. 'I've pulled my head out of the sand thinking that I could afford to do this and pay you what I promised'. no sh*t Sherlock.

 

I knew that call would eventually happen as I'd already checked it out with a community lawyer myself, which is why I've been saving as much as possible. Just have to carefully budget with what I've got now.

 

At the end of that part of the call I hesitantly confronted her about 'telling me before the kids if she gets involved with someone else'.. to which there was a pause, and she said she was. I told her I was pissed off about how the way I found out.. 'How was that?'.. Facebook.. 'oh, I thought you couldn't see that'.

 

Turns out she wasn't going to tell me. 'Who told you'.. 'A mutual friend who was concerned about our kids' I said (truth hurts).

 

'Do I know this person?' 'No, I met him 2 months ago'. (been seperated 4 months)

 

I told her again how pissed off and angry I was at her for doing this. 'Did you think I was coming back'... 'Yes, I and the kids hoped you would'.

 

Eventually ended the call..

 

I guess that's the last ember gone... Maybe there's a very very very small glimmer... not much. Hanging onto the dream of having a 'proper' family again. The marriage that was has gone.

 

How stupid do you have to be to think facebook is a private system. I guess she forgot who she has as friends.. Geez, if it wasn't my friend, I'm sure my sister would tell me.

 

Dunno if I said it, but I finally feel it's over. I've been telling myself that if she starts screwing someone then thats it.. Just need to convince myself.

 

Did something positive today. My parents saw there was a 10 week divorce care class starting up at a local church. A week after my birthday and a year and a bit since she dropped the ILYB bomb. Signed up for it.

 

Also wondering if I should finally lawyer up. Find out my rights and make sure she can't make me move out of the house against my will.

 

Now I'm just feeling jealous and angry.. Better than having that and panic attacks every time the phone rings or I check my email

 

Man, what a roller coaster... Sorry it's so long again..

[Sadbutrelieved]

I'm sorry you found out that way. I found out that way too. I felt the jealousy and anger, but it's been a month now and although I still feel small twinges of jealousy at times, I think the anger is all gone now.

 

You should definitely find a lawyer to protect yourself and your children. Some exes become ruthless once they have someone in their corner possibly egging them on to put the screws to their spouse in court.

[JLoves]

Sadbutrelieved: I read your story.. Man, at least your head is telling you that he's a bast**d.. I know the feeling.. Why won't the heart and brain get it together and agree..

 

She's been snooping to try and find out who told me.. Wondered how long it would take

 

Day by Day I guess.. I'll get back to you after a month. Who knows where I'll be....

[JLoves]

I'm not sure what to do about tomorrow..

 

It would have been my 12th wedding anniversary. No so hard to take, except I know she is off camping with her new bf and having fun while I'm here being miserable.

 

It will be my birthday in a few days and with it the first anniversary of ILYB and the year of hell that has been my life so far.

 

A magazine arrived in the post today unannounced and I realised it was the birthday/christmas present that she was going to get me before it all went down the tubes 4 months ago. At the time I had already brought her present which was a art poster of her birth year so the kids 'gave' it to her for her birthday in Dec. No point me keeping it at the time.

 

I was asked what I was going to do with it and I said 'why look a gift horse in the mouth' and that I would keep it. Of course, later I realised that it's going to be a monthly reminder of the failed marriage.

 

She must have brought it just before all the crap went down when she posted 'in a new relationship' on facebook.

 

It's the first nice thing she has done for me in at least 4 months. Unless I assume it's because I gave her a present and she felt obliged to.

 

I really don't know what to do.. Down, tired, depressed..

[JaneDoe35]

Hey JLoves - The anniversary thing is very difficult. It was my 10th Wedding Anniversary 1 month after my problems began. I had been so looking forward to it and it was such a sad, lonely day.

 

My husband was out partying with his new friends and rang me and said 'This is a hard day for us'. Yes, you could say that!!

 

I tried to do things to take my mind off what day it was. It didn't work and I ended up feeling worse. So my advice would be to let whatever feelings come and just deal with them. Be sad, be angry, whatever.

 

And then get up the next day and start again on the path to healing.

[JLoves]

Thanks Jane,

 

Thats what I'm going to do.. Get past tomorrow, get past my birthday and start living my life. Taking the kids to a beach day.. Hope the weather holds up.

 

Got a DivorceCare 10 week course to go to on the 24th, and I'm planning a 'out of my comfort zone' thing to do a few days later.

 

I will do it.. I will get through it.

[Archibald]

Hi,

 

Happy to meet u all here. I have read somewat of the threads/posts here. I also want to say that u must be enough strong to face the truth and the truthness to face the outside and real world.

 

Hope u can understand wat i said. Just go on and rockzzz.

[You Go Girl]

I'm not sure what to do about tomorrow..

 

It would have been my 12th wedding anniversary. No so hard to take, except I know she is off camping with her new bf and having fun while I'm here being miserable.

 

It will be my birthday in a few days and with it the first anniversary of ILYB and the year of hell that has been my life so far.

 

A magazine arrived in the post today unannounced and I realised it was the birthday/christmas present that she was going to get me before it all went down the tubes 4 months ago. At the time I had already brought her present which was a art poster of her birth year so the kids 'gave' it to her for her birthday in Dec. No point me keeping it at the time.

 

I was asked what I was going to do with it and I said 'why look a gift horse in the mouth' and that I would keep it. Of course, later I realised that it's going to be a monthly reminder of the failed marriage.

 

She must have brought it just before all the crap went down when she posted 'in a new relationship' on facebook.

 

It's the first nice thing she has done for me in at least 4 months. Unless I assume it's because I gave her a present and she felt obliged to.

 

I really don't know what to do.. Down, tired, depressed..

 

JLoves,

The first thing you do is stop imagining what she is doing, and stop checking up on her, unless you like causing yourself grief.

Ask yourself this q: Do you want to prolong the pain? Do you want the pain deeper? Do you enjoy pain?

If so, there are plenty of dominatrix out there who will help you get through this with a good leather strap.

Otherwise, I'd quit the masochistic behavior, eh?

 

Throw the mags out when they arrive. Don't read them. It's a hold on you.

[You Go Girl]

I meant to say...

throw the mags out while each time pretending it is her you are throwing out without a care...it will work.

[JLoves]

Just when roller coaster settles for a bit, it all goes to crap again.

 

The kids came home on the weekend and the first thing the oldest said when he walked in the door was 'We met mums friend. Greg is cool'.

 

So I go out and make the enquiries about why this guy was over her house with the kids.. After much non comital replies of 'He's just a friend' and 'I'm really tired, I don't want to talk about it', I get to the one she can't get out of 'Is this the guy you are in a relationship with'.. 'Yes'.. I told her I don't want him to be around the kids.. eventually she agreed. Don't know if that was just to shut me up so she could leave.

 

Back to 4.30am wakeups... Didn't help that I was coming down with a head cold at the same damn time..

 

I'm pissed off that she didn't talk to me before introducing the kids to this guy that she has known for a total of 3 months.

 

I'm the one who's been reading all the damn books on how not to damage your kids by divorce.. She's in fairly land and has been for soo many years.

 

I rang her at work today as she doesn't like me talking to her outside the front door and told her again that I don't want him seeing the kids, no phone calls to him in front of them, no presents (which turned out to be hand me downs from his 13yr old daughter).. 'Have you been quizing the kids?' 'No, they told me of their own accord' and lastly, 'You need to talk to me before he is with the kids again'.

She reluctantly agreed to my demands. (as I guess she saw them, wasn't happy about it and I doubt the last one will be honored).

 

Would you sign something to this affect? 'No'. What a surprise.

 

I'm pissed off with myself for knowing about this other guy and not laying down the law about him seeing my kids.

 

I don't get the 'He's just a friend to them' bull**** either. Kids aren't stupid.

 

YouGoGirl: I've not been checking up on her.. I've been avoiding anything to do with her with a vengeance. I was told about the facebook thing by a friend who was concerned about the kids.

The next issue hasn't turned up. I wonder if she cancelled it.. I think I will throw it in the bin like you suggest.

[Gunny376]

There needs to be a Sticky!

 

"THE WALL OF SHAME!" in which we can post pictures!

[You Go Girl]

It hurts to hear this guy is 'cool' from your kids. OUCH. Well, on another note, anybody can be cool for a day, a week, but not a year, not if he was to eventually become step-dad. Any parent that is 'cool' all the time is a bad parent, because by definition, reprimands, guidance, and the rest of it, isn't about being 'cool'.

So who cares if he is cool. It means nothing really. At least they didn't despise him, because that would really be a sign of trouble to come for them, and you don't want that.

At this point, and for the forseeable future, he means nothing.

 

At some point in breaking up, you have to tell friends who apparently seem to mean well, but are often just gossiping and trying to see if things ruffle your feathers, to no longer share details about her life, unless it's an illness, death, etc., that you should know about, and any emergency.

 

I've been there. Friends who shared stuff about his new wife. Irritating stuff. Stuff that although minor, were windows into his new life. I still wonder if some of these details shared with me weren't done so with just a touch of wanting to get under my skin, even if the person telling me these details didn't realize their own motives, or thought that I couldn't see through to their motives.

With details given by the kids, it's a different story. You have to listen, because they're your kids. What you don't have to do however, is continue the conversation with more questions, unless you think something is amiss, ie; a child tells you that this guy did something that hurt their feelings, put them in danger, etc. Otherwise, let those conversations die. At some point, if the child is old enough to understand, you can explain to them that you want to know if anything is wrong with a relationship with this guy or whatever guy is in her life in the future, but that the details can hurt you. Your kids too, realize that dad has feelings. Dont' pretend that you don't have feelings or that things can't hurt you sometimes.

All divorce kids learn one thing quickly, that being that they now have two lives, and can't share all of either life with the other life. It's less than ideal, absolutely. But they cope very well in realizing that these two lives are not to be mixed, and actually, it gives them interpersonal skills that they can use later to be discerning with what they share to whom, such as at a future job, friends who don't like each other or are battling, etc.