confession. scared.

[ann09]

Ok. Deep breath. Here I go...

 

This could be long - but I have opened myself up in a previous thread - not being honest - because I didn't want to be judged. But I can take the swings from everyone because hell it can't be any worse than what I do to myself every day. I can't even look in the mirror. So I suppose it doesn't matter what anyone has to say to me - I do a whole lot worse to myself.

 

I need to start by saying I have always been a good person. Kind and decent. I've been the type to always do what I should. Always tried to have my parents approve. Never was a good student. Never was successful at anything. Always needed someone to guide me and take care of me.

 

I'm delaying the rest of this thread but need to continue...

 

14 years ago I got married. I truly believed he was the right one. I have known him my entire life. We went to school together since 1st grade. Such a "cute" story and we got plenty of "awww's" from everyone we told it too. Our families have always known eachother. We went to the same church. We had always kept in touch. he was never my type - but I loved him as a friend.

 

I hadn't seen him in 5 years - just sent Christmas cards to eachother each year and he would make it a point to call when he was home from college. He was a dear friend but I had no attraction for him. I found out years later he had kept my picture on his wall in college and told everyone I was his dream girl. Wow. What girl wouldn't love that.

 

I bumped into him after 5 yrs of not seeing him. He had changed. He was very "grown up" looking. Business suit at 23 yrs old. Getting his masters. Serious. So unlike the guy I had been just dating whom my family didn't like. He asked me out, I said yes. He was different and seemed so enamored with me. I couldn't believe a guy like that liked me. Surely something was wrong with him!

 

My parents were thrilled. They loved his family and kept hinting to me that I would be taken care of, secure etc. With all the weddings I was attending - I got excited at the prospect of living the life I had always wanted. I never wanted to be anything but a mother and a (good) wife. He bought a house (a house!) and asked me to marry him soon after dating. I was ecstatic. We had fun together. The sex wasn't good - although he would argue with that now. I wasn't completely attracted to him but I thought it was only because of me - that I needed to grow up - that sex and being superficial wasn't a huge part of life. We had a beautiful wedding but I can now remember distinctly feeling a constant "nag" telling me this wasn't right. I shrugged that feeling off. Grow up Ann! This guy is perfect! He's safe and secure and loves you! And you love him! And I did - just not that head over heels love I had felt in the past. But I digress....

 

We reach our honeymoon destination after a day of traveling and get to the hotel room and I burst into tears. He asks what's wrong and I tell him I don't know. I didnt. I chalked it up the letdown of a year of planning a wedding and having it all be over - emotional etc. I got over it. We had a nice honeymoon. Not the passionate one I had always dreamed of. But we had fun.

 

Came home after 10 days and I remember feeling so down. Aren't newlyweds supposed to feel bliss? Well, again, I just needed to grow up. Stop being immature. He guided me - told me what to do and when to do it. I liked it at the time. He was very much like my dad. I needed that I suppose. I was a spend thrift and him a saver. he got my act together. Yelled at me if I didn't do what I was supposed to. Held the credit card so I had to ask him for it when I needed it. Didn't seem so bad but I suppose over time it's hard to feel close to someone that over the years seems more like a father to you.

 

Fast forward a year. I wanted a baby. Surely a baby would make me feel closer to him. It would be ours. Together. We would parent together and I would fall in love with him as a father. I had read that so many times. I also wanted to do something for the first time in my life I was proud of. Besides, we had nothing in common. He would never tell me about work. When I asked he would pat me on the head and say, "you wouldn't understand honey. Don't worry about it". His nick name for me turned into "kiddo". Eeeks. Kiddo?? I voiced to him that I hated that. Still called me that and still does.

 

I am into music. He's not. Small minor thing - but hard when a passion you have isn't shared. I'm funny and thrive off humor. He's not. Tries to be....but I guess it's no biggie. I have friends who can make me laugh...get me. He never has but never thought it would be a big deal.

So many differences and too many to list here. I slowly grew to realize the only time I had fun with him was when we were both drinking.

 

We had a baby - then two more. I became supermom. Absorbed myself in my kids. They consumed me each and everyday. I didn't think so much about my unhappiness because I was too focused on being a mom. And I loved every minute of it (still do). Him and I were "fine". Surely most young couples with 3 small kids weren't having exciting passionate sex lives. I didn't think it abnormal at all. I look at old home movies from those days and see the sad woman I was even back then. What little sex we had was as bad as it was in the beginning - but again, I thought little of it. As long as he was satisfied I didn't care about me. I was a mother and mothers shouldn't care about sex. I was overweight - and never had been before in my life. I was a mess. I look at pictures from back then and think "holy **** who was that girl???" Even my kids laugh and don't recognize me back then ("Mommy you looked funny!")

 

After I had my daughter 7 yrs ago and we decided we were done having kids I started looking in the mirror. Here I was in this loveless marriage. Realizing my husband and I had nothing to talk about except the kids. Realizing that I had to force myself to kiss him when he got home from work and had to ignore and suppress all feelings of unattraction for him. Sex was hard for me. The entire time I kept hearing the words in my head "no no no". It was as close to being raped as I can imagine. I had a hard time kissing him - I didn't feel anything. But tried SO hard. I never wanted to hurt his feelings so I put on a good act. Afterwards I would hide in the bathroom, turn on the faucet, and bawl my eyes out. He would knock, "are you ok?" "yep, I am ok - be out in a minute". Dry eyes, look in the mirror and smile. What was wrong with me?? I have everything! Nice house, healthy kids, husband that doesn't treat me badly, I get to stay at home....why the hell was I sad?? Selfish bitch I thought. Go be a good wife. Clean, cook, take care of the kids and your husband. Smile for god sake!

 

Slowly the weight came off. I worked at it. Grew my hair long like it used to be. Bought new clothes. Head held higher as my confidence grew. Attention from men I haven't had in YEARS. I am not just a mommy! I am a woman - wow - completely forgot about that! So sad that everyone else is noticing this except my husband. Sex is still bad - then there is one incident that changes everything. We have friends over and there is a lot of drinking. I go upstairs later and pass out on the bed (damn pinot grigio!). Not really passed out but unable to move. He's downstairs and cleaning up - god love him. Comes upstairs, I can't speak I'm so drunk. I am on my stomach. he pulls down my pants and proceeds to have sex with me. Finishes, and leaves. Oh my god I have never told anyone this before and it's weird seeing it in print. I remember feeling like - did my husband just rape me?? nooooooo. We're married! Poor guy doesn't get much sex out of me so who can blame him?? We have never talked about it. It was so many years ago he probably won't remember it. He's a good husband so why even think about it. Your own husband can't actually rape you right?

 

Fast forward again a few more years. I go online to a chatroom of a tv show I love watching. Discussing the show at length. Harmless fun - not hiding it from husband - not doing anything wrong. Within a year I meet a man. Going through a divorce. Sad and pathetic as me. He loves everything I do. We can't talk enough. Husband travels and me OM talk so much - sometimes 7 hours all through the night. I can't get enough of finally relating to someone and them relating to me. We are so much alike it's scary. We meet - and instantly I know that he is the one. I am summing this up in a few short lines. I know it sounds high schoolish - but I don't know how to explain it. He encourages me as best he can to work on my marriage. I try. Push him away a thousand times. He walks away a thousand times. But I never stop thinking of him. Want to but just can't. Everything is right when I am with him. EVerything. It's a friendship unlike any other. It's a love like nothing I have ever experienced. he doesn't have half of what my husband does - but when I am with him - I want nothing - just time with him. This isn't about sex - this is about fully enjoying the company of another. Knowing this is the person I would be happy with.

 

My husband found out about him. I came clean - although not admitting my love for this other man. He took control and told me we would start from square one and work on this. I got scared and agreed. I vowed to change. Dad seemed to have entered the room - pointed his finger at me and told me that he would not let me go, ever.

 

Last winter I decided to go to therapy. He believed we didn't need couples therapy. There was something wrong with me and not him. I needed help - not us. I went. And loved it (still do). I learned so much about myself. The massive guilt over what I have done came out. I started to rebuild myself from the inside. All along still loving this other man. I couldn't breathe without him. Never out of my thoughts. Never wanted him to be. When you meet the right one, how are you supposed to forget them?

 

Last July, at the urging of my best friend and my brother, I sat down with my husband and told him exactly how I feel about him. I told him that I loved him but didn't feel attraction to him (he knew this - it was obvious). I told him that I have tremendous guilt over what I had done to him and that he deserved better than me. He sat stone faced and said "I will not let you go, ever". He agreed to marriage counseling. But pulled a few tricks on me - one where he was supposed to meet me at counseling but then cancelled it - took me to lunch instead - bought a bottle of wine and said "we don't need counseling". Um. Really?

 

Eventually counseling happens. I am painfully honest. It's the worst thing I have ever had to do. Hurting this man who has given me a beautiful life. This man who works his tail off to support his family. All therapy did was open up so much and hurt him so much. It was draining. I went to my parents and told them everything. They were shocked, dismayed, disappointed.

 

Here I am. Still overwhelmingly unhappy. Thinking of my life with him with complete unhappiness. Trying to smile for my kids sake. In love deeply with someone else who won't be there for me much longer. Knowing that if I lose him - I am letting the greatest thing go from my life. Knowing that I could never love my husband that way and by staying I am keeping him too from being with someone that could love him.

But he is about perception and would stay this way forever - people like him don't get divorced. My god what would everyone say? He thinks I can develop feelings of love for him. I want to believe him but I know the truth.

 

So here I am - an awful, lying, cheating, disgusting person. I feel most days I have no reason to live - until I look at my children and I know I can't leave them. If it wasn't for them I don't think I could survive all this. But I have done it to myself. I made a decision 14 yrs ago and have to live with it right? So what if in 20 years I look back on my sad, pathetic life and have regrets. I sort of deserve that. I don't feel like I deserve much happiness. If I divorce him I will "destroy my family" as my mother has told me recently. Thats a huge responsibility right there.

My husband is willing to go meet with a mediator - I don't think he wants to - and I think by showing me how much my life will change financially I will change my mind. But here's the thing - I don't want everything while I am miserable. I would rather have nothing and be happy. I don't even want anything from him. I want him to be happy, secure, and with the kids as much as possible. I want everything for him. I care deeply for him. I just don't love him like a wife should. It has nothing to do with anyone else in my life. Because I have realized, even without that person there for me - I would be happier living on my own with just my kids than with someone I am not happy with.

 

So the last time we had sex was too long ago to remember. I tried so hard to feel it. I remember feeling that raped feeling all over again. He got up and walked away - fully satisfied. I laid there unable to breathe. Got up, went to the bathroom and threw up. I looked in the mirror and thought, "never again Ann. Don't ever do that to yourself again." And I haven't.

 

I know and expect horrible replies to this thread. I am afraid of them. Scared to death. Always worried about what people will think of me. My heart is pounding in anticipation of what you all think of me. I am terrified......

[Auroracoladybug]

First off I respect your honesty. I don't think any swings here would be meant to hurt you in any way. Some here have been on the other side...the ones who did all the work and tried to lead their spouses to a better place...some have been where you are and worked things out...some have been where you are and gotten the heck out...

 

Go to mediation Ann...he may be about the money but you are not...continue counseling and spend as much time with your kids as possible...do not hang yourself on this one man who may go away because you really need to still focus on you...I wish you the best and happiness wherever that may be

[ann09]

^^ Thank you. As of last Sunday, things have been confusing. We talked a lot - lots of crying and he looked at me and said he just wants me to be happy - even if that means without him. He was so agreeable that it almost made me sadder. Seemed so final. I went out and cleared my head - scared at my "sad" feelings. Scared this could all be so final. I hate change - terrified of it. The unknown is the worst. I wish I could look into a crystal ball and see my future. I am not doing this for any other man. I am too smart for that. I truly believe NO ONE can break up a happy marriage. There is a reason people stray. I don't condone it - not for a minute and will live with this guilt forever. When I said my wedding vows 14 years ago I meant them. I truly did. I would have been appalled and disgusted hearing someone's story like mine. I can't believe the sins I have committed. I disgust myself. Here I am trying to teach my kids right from wrong - teaching them to be honest. who the hell am I to teach them anything???

[hopesndreams]

Are you in a bit of a panic because the OM may not wait for you much longer and you need to make a decision now?

 

This shouldn't be about the OM. It's about you. The OM won't be able to bring you the happiness you desire. He needs to be knocked off the pedestal you have him on. He has knowingly helped you feel worse about your M and about yourself even though to you it feels as though he has turned your life around, helped you see the light because there is someone to love and love you back. He has been cheating with you. A man of no moral fiber is not the kind of man to go running off with. He can't make everything better. Good chance, he would only make things worse. Those that cheat with you, cheat on you.

 

Let them both go Ann. Yes, you have been miserable and unhappy. Go find happiness within yourself, on your own. Do not rely on the OM to make you happy and to make everything ok. Do it for yourself.

[ann09]

Are you in a bit of a panic because the OM may not wait for you much longer and you need to make a decision now?

 

This shouldn't be about the OM. It's about you. The OM won't be able to bring you the happiness you desire. He needs to be knocked off the pedestal you have him on. He has knowingly helped you feel worse about your M and about yourself even though to you it feels as though he has turned your life around, helped you see the light because there is someone to love and love you back. He has been cheating with you. A man of no moral fiber is not the kind of man to go running off with. He can't make everything better. Good chance, he would only make things worse. Those that cheat with you, cheat on you.

 

Let them both go Ann. Yes, you have been miserable and unhappy. Go find happiness within yourself, on your own. Do not rely on the OM to make you happy and to make everything ok. Do it for yourself.

 

 

Wow. Powerful and hard words to read. I keep reading them. Over and over. Yes, he has turned my life around. Made me realize what it feels like to be really loved. I do see that. And yes, he is putting pressure on me to fix all this very soon. But I chalk that up to his waiting for me for so long he has to protect himself.

God this is so hard. I feel like I am doomed no matter what choice I make. I wish I could start my life over. Make different decisions. But I can't. I can only repair all the damage I have done. If that is ever possible.

[LonelyTiger]

Ann, you are a kind, caring, considerate and couragous woman who made a very big mistake a lot of years ago and, very sadly, a number of people are now paying the price for it.

 

You are not perfect, you are not a saint - nobody here is either of those things. You are human. Anybody here who judges you should remember that they have never walked in your shoes. Some may think they have, but nobody will really know what you are going through.

 

You have a very tough decision to make but I suspect that deep down you have already made it. It is how to deal with the consequences and minimise the pain for everybody that I think you are really concerned about now.

 

If you choose to leave your marriage just make sure you are doing this for yourself and because you believe it's what is best for you, your husband and your children.

 

As difficult as it may be to keep your feelings for the OM out of this scenario. He should not play any part in this decision, although he is obviously a catalyst for your now being ready to jump ship. This man may or may not be a keeper. He may just be a much better alternative than the one you currently have. Just remember that most 'affairs' don't last.

 

Go to mediation, it can't hurt. The best advice I can give you is that if you decide to pull the plug on this marriage just be absolutely sure that you have done everything in your power to put it right. Know in your heart that you are sure you are doing the right thing for everybody.

[ann09]

Ann, you are a kind, caring, considerate and couragous woman who made a very big mistake a lot of years ago and, very sadly, a number of people are now paying the price for it.

 

You are not perfect, you are not a saint - nobody here is either of those things. You are human. Anybody here who judges you should remember that they have never walked in your shoes. Some may think they have, but nobody will really know what you are going through.

 

You have a very tough decision to make but I suspect that deep down you have already made it. It is how to deal with the consequences and minimise the pain for everybody that I think you are really concerned about now.

 

If you choose to leave your marriage just make sure you are doing this for yourself and because you believe it's what is best for you, your husband and your children.

 

As difficult as it may be to keep your feelings for the OM out of this scenario. He should not play any part in this decision, although he is obviously a catalyst for your now being ready to jump ship. This man may or may not be a keeper. He may just be a much better alternative than the one you currently have. Just remember that most 'affairs' don't last.

 

Go to mediation, it can't hurt. The best advice I can give you is that if you decide to pull the plug on this marriage just be absolutely sure that you have done everything in your power to put it right. Know in your heart that you are sure you are doing the right thing for everybody.

 

 

Thank you. And you are right. I have to do this for me - and what's best for my family and not for anyone else.

[imagine]

I gave up many of my activities to be married. Marriage is a commitment and I stand by my promise.

 

Your marriage needs help but do not focus only on yourself. You said that you both have independent behaviours. This is wrong. You need to meet your husband as you did with OM.

 

Some folk have recommended the Marriage Builder weekend. I have not tried it.

 

Certainly you feel neglected and your H is apparently unable to meet your Emotional Needs. In short, you need a new marriage. Start with the guy that you've got.

[Printer]

I have been reading your sad story with interest. I feel so sorry for you, your husband and your three lovely children.

I do agree that you need a new marriage and I also agree that it should be with your husband.

Having been married for such a long time I'm sure with the correct professional help, effort from both sides, you can reconnect and meet each others needs.

 

It will take a long time but don't give up, stay strong and your marriage flourish.

[2sunny]

i don't judge your situation or your decisions. i knew it when i read your written word in your previous thread... some things just show without stating it directly.

 

i think it's wise you continue to work on yourself - for your happiness soley, and what that is supposed to look like for you. no one else can tell you what that will look like, trust your instincts and follow when things "feel" perfectly calm and correct for you.

 

do things in order - it makes things easier on everyone. finalize the marriage, then start again with the OM - i say this to make it easier and less complicated for everyone... especially your children.

 

speaking of the kids... they will get past this too. they don't need to be taught by your daily life that love looks like a brother/sister relationship. they, most often, learn by example and find these to be a benchmark for the marriage they choose for themselves. show them what a healthy, happy, safe love looks like - especially in loving yourself and being good to yourself. we must be happy with ourselves in order to be happy with another, learn what that looks like for you - then show them on a daily basis. don't pretend any longer - that is detrimental to your personal growth.

 

i would wait until after the divorce is final to renter your connection with your OM, you've waited this long - why not wait a while longer if it's true love. if it is - he will be a patient man. beneficial for your kids, and beneficial to keep the rollercoaster of emotions away from OM while the divorce proceedings get finished. those emotions can kill any potential relationship. it's tough... don't dump it on another - work through the pain in counseling.

 

be happy, don't be mean on yourself, forward movement is always best. xo

[hopesndreams]

If you do decide to stick with your H, in order to make the M work, you will need to let him in on the A. If you decide to leave him, you should let him know about your A. What are your thoughts on disclosure?

[ann09]

If you do decide to stick with your H, in order to make the M work, you will need to let him in on the A. If you decide to leave him, you should let him know about your A. What are your thoughts on disclosure?

 

 

He found out about the A about a year ago. I got scared and denied everything. Just today he called me with more incriminating evidence. And I can't deny it anymore.

 

I didn't want the end of my marriage to be about another man. Because, in essence, it's not. I would never have seeked anyone out had I been happy. So NOT making excuses for my inexcusable behavior. I don't justify it in the least. Just saying, it's about our marriage - not about anyone else. And it kills me to think he will only think it's because of another man. I have the highest hopes that this man will be in my life one day - and since my H will always be in my life - I wanted this to not get ugly.

 

But now it is. And I am scared ****less.

[boldjack]

Hi, Anne, You do seem to be in quite a pickle, don't you. After reading your post three things stood out for me. 1) you should have been honest about the affair from the very beginning. Now, it will be almost impossible to convince your husband that the break-up is about your marriage, and not about some stranger, who has taken you away from your lawful husband, and family. BTW, this is what he will say to family and friends, too. The only way to counter this, is to forget about the Om, and go completely NC with him. At least for the foreseeable future. Do everything in your power, to convince every person you know, that you were unhappy in your marriage, BEFORE you found the OM. Delete all messages, block him from your life. 2) Never have sex with your husband again. Don't let him guilt or threaten you into it. If you are finished with him, this will prove it more than any words you speak. 3) This OM is NOT the kind of man you could be happy with. He is a cheater and has consistantly undermined your marriage, for his own purposes. It isn't even about him as a person, but it's what he represents that you are attracted to. What you really want is a loving, passionate, honest and exciting life, with a man who treats you as an equal. Believe me Anne, he's out there, somewhere, waiting for you. Don't settle for less. That's what got you into this mess, in the first place. You are going to go through a very bad period of time, but if you are honest with everyone and true to your self, you will come out on the other side a better person, than you were when you went in. Good Luck, and keep us posted.

[2.50 a gallon]

First let me say that I am truly sorry that you and yours find yourself in this mess

 

Also, I have a lot to say that I hope you will read and digest, so much so that it might take more than one post. For some reason I am unable to put up lengthy posts. so find it necessary to break them up

 

It was no accident that I posted the words from the title of this post in one of my posts to you in your first thread. The words were chosen carefully to let you know that I knew about the OM

 

It you read some of my posts in other threads you will find that I admit to being a former player. I especially targeted the newly divorced and the newly separated woman. Although you never mentioned the OM in you first thread, the way you were saying things and the things your were saying immediately popped up on my bad boy radar screen, that you were vulnerable and looking outside of your marriage.

 

I am not dreamboat material, so I had to work at getting any action. My first rule was to listen. I have said it before, it you listen carefully, a woman will tell you how to seduce her. I asked them questions, such as "What do you think life is all about?" "What do you think love is all about?" Tell me about your boyfriend, why is he special?" "Why do you think you marriage failed?" "Tell me about your kids" Talk to me. You're my friend, tell me you troubles.

 

The goal was to become the trusted male friend she could talk to. I was patient, I listened and I learned how to make them laugh, her favorite music, food, wine, but most of all I learned what she thought was missing in her love life. When the time came and she needed a should to cry on, I was there with all of the right answers. She had already told me what she wanted to hear and I merely parroted it back to her.

 

They thought they we were relating to each other. We would go out dancing (rock / C&W / disco), go on picnics, go to walks in the park, watch the moon rise and talk for hours. To me it was part of the game. They thought they were seducing me.

[2.50 a gallon]

Take it from a former player, everything that you say the OM is doing is straight out of my play book, including telling you to go back and try to work on you relationship. Been there and done that! It made me look like I was not the bad guy and really cared about them. And it was a safe bet that they would come back to me.

 

He is going through a divorce. That was one of my better sympathy lines I used after the XW and I broke up.

 

The answers to the following questions do not need to be posted here, just somethings that you need to think about.

 

What has he told you about the STBXW? Can you confirm everything he is saying about her about her or are you taking his word for it.

 

When did he start pressuring you?

 

If I may make and educated guess, it was just about the time that the affair began to become exposed. After it is no longer a secret he began to feel like he was losing control of you. He is using the pressure to try and control you. Patience not pressure is a virtue of love

 

To be blunt I think the OM us a predator. He is taking advantage of an emotionally vulnerable married woman. Just as you husband raped you, the OM is using you for his sexual pleasure. If he truly cared for you he would have backed off and stayed out of your life until your divorce was final. He does not car for you and least of all for your children. He is putting your future relationship with your children at high risk.

 

Any man who approaches or encourages the approach of a married woman for sex has no sense of morals. Really, how can you trust your feelings of love and your future with such a low life?

[2.50 a gallon]

There is no doubt that you are hurting. But you have no idea what kind of pain that you are putting your H through. He has just been blindsided by his lover and his best friend. Everything he believes in has just been flushed into a black hole, and him with it. I encourage you to read the threads of TOJAZ, MrMayI, Broken Hearted, Phineas and others on this board to get a sense of what he is going through.

 

To say that your children will not be seriously affected by this is pure Bull. Yes they will survive it. They will also sense the pain that your H is going through and the chances are very good that they will see you as the bad guy that hurt their daddy and broke up their family. And the chances are even higher that they will resent you all the more if you should continue the relationship with the OM. My nieces still want to scratch out the eyes of their fathers OW. And my friend related an incident where Grandma M's OM made the mistake of laying his hands on my friend. He had just returned from Vietnam and was delighted to have a chance with him. It was the last time Grandma M ever saw her son. That was in 1969 and she just passed, something along the lines of 30 years. I suspect that the love of her dogs never came close to filling the gap of never being able to see or hold her grand children If you do not believe my previous posts of my XBIL and Grandma M, read the reaction of daddypop1's 13 year old SD in the thread titled "Some words of wisdom"

 

If you want a good relationship with your children in the future, you have to tell the OM he has to go and never come back. Some day in the future, after the divorce is final I am sure you chidren will be able to accept that you have found love with a new man. But I truly doubt that they will ever accept the man named OM. In their eyes he will always be the evil home wrecker.

 

I might seem harsh and blunt, but I am just trying to help you by giving you another point of view of your problems.

 

Please continue with your conseling for you and your family. And I truly hope that you can find a path to peace and love. It is such a beautiful view!

Edited November 10, 2009 by 2.50 a gallon

[JaneDoe35]

I think this may be Ann's 2nd thread...

[ann09]

Yes it is my second thread.

 

I am overwhelmed by the responses - most difficult to read - and most giving me lots to think about. Very hard to respond because my mind is racing a mile a minute.

[2.50 a gallon]

Ann

 

Thank you for replying. It is a good sign. It shows that you are really absorbing what others have to say here and are thinking this over.

 

Others in your shoes, who don't hear exactly what they want to hear, usually disconnect and are never heard from again.

 

Again, I wish you peace and love, it is a beautiful view.

 

Gallon

[kevinconner]

Ann:

 

Read up on divorce rates for men the second time around. They end up in the tank b/c they don't wait long enough to clear their head. Something like 6 months.

 

Women on the other hand, often wait much longer to remarry and have less failure.

 

He is on the re-bound. You may love him, fine. But DO NOT marry him too soon. Better yet, tell him its not in the cards for at least 2 years while everything sorts itself out.

 

I for one do not think you are a bad person at all. The decision to marry was more likely a result of the "silent" pressure your parents put on you to lead a normal life....or at least one they could understand. They also did not instill in you enough self respect and freewill. As a result of this you got married without knowing how LONG a road it would be.

 

And b/c you are such a caring person, you had more than one child. Let them help each other, teach them what you know now, let them play with each other. You have done well by them.

 

Of course you had an affair. I don't blame you at all for that either. If I met you at a bar and heard your story I would give you a high five for standing up for yourself. It is in fact, despite what many will say, YOUR life. It is yours. Not your parents, not his, not your childrens. You have a tremendous duty to them all, but they do not dictate your life.

 

And in this life, having passionate, energetic, loving sex is a gift from God. You were meant to feel this way and be in a life where having it should be a given....not the exception.

[ann09]

Thank you thank you thank you.

 

This has nothing to do with another person in my life (that yes, I do love).

 

If that man isn't with me one day - I will STILL be in a better place not with my husband.

 

I know I am hurting many people. My mom called me today in tears. She's so distraught over this and it's breaking my heart. For an instant I thought about just staying and making it work so everyone in my life will be happy again. I am making so many people sad. And I feel like the worst person on this earth. I never imagined my life this way.

[ann09]

Ann

 

Thank you for replying. It is a good sign. It shows that you are really absorbing what others have to say here and are thinking this over.

 

Others in your shoes, who don't hear exactly what they want to hear, usually disconnect and are never heard from again.

 

Again, I wish you peace and love, it is a beautiful view.

 

Gallon

 

 

Thank you. Yes I keep coming back - and even the posts that are hard to swallow mean a lot to me during this time in my life. No one gave me a handbook on how to rip out my husband's heart, stomp on it and fall in love with someone else.

[2sunny]

what is the situation with your OM? is he married too, single? is he willing to wait and see what happens, or have you both discussed what may become of your future?

[cyabye]

Not to hijack a thread but I could not remain silent regarding this post....

 

kevinconner wrote.....

 

Read up on divorce rates for men the second time around. They end up in the tank b/c they don't wait long enough to clear their head. Something like 6 months.

 

May be some truth to this.

 

Women on the other hand, often wait much longer to remarry and have less failure.

 

Hmmm...not sure about this.

 

He is on the re-bound. You may love him, fine. But DO NOT marry him too soon. Better yet, tell him its not in the cards for at least 2 years while everything sorts itself out.

 

No comment.

 

I for one do not think you are a bad person at all. The decision to marry was more likely a result of the "silent" pressure your parents put on you to lead a normal life....or at least one they could understand. They also did not instill in you enough self respect and freewill. As a result of this you got married without knowing how LONG a road it would be.

 

No comment.

 

And b/c you are such a caring person, you had more than one child. Let them help each other, teach them what you know now, let them play with each other. You have done well by them.

 

No comment.

 

Of course you had an affair. I don't blame you at all for that either. If I met you at a bar and heard your story I would give you a high five for standing up for yourself. It is in fact, despite what many will say, YOUR life. It is yours. Not your parents, not his, not your childrens. You have a tremendous duty to them all, but they do not dictate your life.

 

I can't believe I am reading this.

 

And in this life, having passionate, energetic, loving sex is a gift from God. You were meant to feel this way and be in a life where having it should be a given....not the exception.

 

Yes. In MARRIAGE!

[FeelingLonely98]

^^ I truly believe NO ONE can break up a happy marriage.

 

There is no marriage that is "happy" 100% of the time.

There are marriage partners that work though these feelings.

And then there are marriage partners that quit and run and cheat.

 

It is a choice. Love is a choice, not a feeling.

"Love" is a verb, an action word, it is not a feeling, not something you feel.