confession. scared.

[HeavenOrHell]

All the best to you for the future Ann, you and your H both deserve to be happy even if that means splitting up.

Stay strong

[cyabye]

Hello Cybye, I was responding to this statement: "The only way for a person to truly change their "spots" is to give themself completely to God, ask for forgiveness and restore all the damage they did to the other person"

 

What I was saying in essence is that there is more than one way for a person to change his spots.

 

Now of course from a christian point of view, things are seen differently, since a christian believes "every good and perfect thing is from the father above", in other words, whether it appears that you changed yourself through your own hard work and effort, or whether you gave your life to Christ and repented and then miraculously got changed, all is from God. I can't disagree with this viewpoint.

 

But the letter of your opinion seems to imply that only a saved and repentant christian can change. This I don't quite agree with. I don't consider it true. I believe anyone, ANYONE can change their spots.

 

Thanks for replying. I respect what you are saying.

 

cyabye

[Steadfast]

All the best to you for the future Ann, you and your H both deserve to be happy even if that means splitting up.

Stay strong

 

That's warm and fuzzy...lets all hold hands and sing Kumbaya. Sugar coating the death of a marriage and a family shouldn't be so fullfilling, and certainly does not merit encouragement. All my best to the kids Ann! All my best to the people who will follow your example. All my best to those cooking on the pot and wanting so much for others to join them. Come on in! The water's great!

 

Stay strong? Don't you have to first be strong to stay strong? I appreciate Ann's honestly and courage to truthfully post, but the encouragement and well wishes for divorce is tragically sad. Like cheerleaders at a car wreck.

[FeelingLonely98]

 

I have no doubt once Jan 1 rolls around all this will come to an end.

 

He has basically told me that as long as I am agreeable when we start the divorce process - he won't use anything against me.

 

 

I guess I would have expected him to fight a both more for the M. Maybe the D is all good? If he's feeling like that too, then it is inevitable, IMO.

 

BEST OF LUCK TO YOU Ann.

[hopesndreams]

Playing happy families for the Christmas Season! I wonder how many others are as well. A New Year just around the corner, lots of plans to be made with your OM, you might even get to sneak a phone call while the presents are being unwrapped.

 

Your H is just letting you go huh? Well, good for him. It's not only you that needs to rebuild and get out with life. Kindly direct him to this site when you're done here.

[FeelingLonely98]

. Kindly direct him to this site when you're done here.

 

Yes, Ann, please do let him know about LS. He will need it.

 

I did

[Chrome Barracuda]

I'd direct him to SI.com. at least theyre' wayward spouses want to save their marriages, getting to the root of the affair and whatnot, here he's gonna eb triggered like hell.. I dont think here is a good place to recover from divorce by skimming the OM/OW boards.

 

If you read them all you've seen the pattern.

 

Happiness comes from within ann. Not some OM's bed or the feelings within the affair. You'll realize that. and I hope your husband has a happier life without you.

[Meatballsmom]

Please take my friendly advice and dump the OM. I am not suggesting that you try to make your marriage work, just drop the OM

I read in another of your posts that you feel he is the love of your life. It might seem so now, but I fear in the future when you lose your children you will end up hating him, even more so than you dislike you H, as he will have been the wedge that came between you and your offspring. As a mother and a grandmother, I can attest that this is totally true.

My two co-workers who were once in your shoes totally agree with me. They were both were greatful to work Thanksgiving day, as it kept them busy. There would be no phone call from their kids. Both are hoping that somehow they might be contacted between now and Christmas, but if it is like last year, one will get a card and a couple of years ago one of them actually got to talk to her grandson. One of them have little hope for the holidays, the OM is gone, she lives alone, and none of her family, parents, brother and sisters, will have anything to do with her. They will be seeing her kids and grandkids, she is not welcome.

I can understand your need for happiness. I was there once myself, and my H was totally unlike yours. After 15 years of marriage he turned into a total a$$. There is nothing good I can say about him. My children never blamed me and were glad that I seperated from their father. I am not blaming what happened to me on my divorce, but still it happened.

That was 20 years ago. Today I see my son once a month when I dust his urn. And my daughter might as well be dead.

Somewhere in this city I have a grandbaby. She was 10 the last time I saw her. She is now 15. It has been 4 years, 10 months, and 2 weeks since I last saw her. But whose counting? The last class picture I have of her was taken in the 4th grade. I have not seen her class pictures of the 5th, 6th, 7th and 8th grades. And now she is in high school.

There is not a day that I do not think of her. When we are out shopping I look for her in the crowds. She is approaching womanhood. After 4 years of growth I do not even know what she looks like. How tall is she? The last time I saw her she was about half way to 4 feet. How long is her hair? Is she skinny?

What school does she go to? Does she have a boyfriend. She has probably experienced the first love of her life. Can you imagine what I would give to be able to listen to her tell me about her first boy friend? And I will not be there when she experiences her first broken heart.

Christmas is approaching and it will be the 5th without her. Each one gets harder.

I have found the love of my life. He is my rock, he is everything a woman could want as a lover and partner. But, he can not come close to filling the emptiness I feel inside. There is a hole in my soul that can only be filled by my grandchild. It is part of motherhood, that is the love of my life.

In 2 years and 10 months my grandbaby will turn 18 and be able to make her own decisions and will be able to come looking for me. That is the only hope that I have left and I live for that day.

Unfortunately my 2 co-workers do not share this same hope. They are mere ghosts of what they used to be. All because they chose to stay with their OM

Speaking to you as a mother to another mother, you do not want to miss out on the lives of your children and grandchildren

[Chrome Barracuda]

wow... I actually feel sad for you. Why have you not seen your grandaughter?

 

Sometimes it's never too late to say your sorry. and I dont think Ann will ever give up her OM, she'll cut off a finger before she'll do that, and now that she's getting the divorce she wants deep down inside she's gonna get everything she ever wanted!

[floridapad]

Agree with you Chrome. She is now getting everything she wants. The divorce, the OM, true love. I am happy for her and know that deep down this will make her happy for the rest of her life. She has now found the meaning of true unconditional love and eternal happiness.

 

As for the husband. Well....In the long run the left behind spouse always fares better than the WAW. Except in this case it seems that Ann is in a very unique and special relationship with the OM and has feelings she has never felt before so I'm sure they will both fare well in the long run. Right?

[ann09]

Wow. I leave here for a while and come back to some very hard to read posts. I appreciate them all.

 

There is no guarantee I will be with the OM. None at all. Most likely I won't be. He won't wait forever - and this could be a long process. I wouldn't expect him to wait. I am not doing this so I can be with him. I am doing this because I am not happy - and neither is my H. He isn't fighting for me because he knows how I feel. We've been through MC so many times - we talk so much - and he has lived with me long enough to know how I am feeling. I don't lie anymore and I don't fake my feelings.

 

I am not doing this so that I can claim victory - ruin my H's life - get the house and kids and the OM. I am doing this because I have been very sad for a very long time. I am doing this because when I look at my H I don't feel the feelings he deserves. I am deeply sad about this - not feeling victorious in the least. This is a very difficult time in my life and if I am left with nothing or no one - then I will be getting what I deserve.

 

I am not a proud woman. I am not bashing him or saying how wonderful I am. I am regretful, remorseful, saddened and if it wasn't for my kids, I wouldn't be getting out of bed in the morning.

 

I know what I have done and I know I will have to live with it forever. But it won't make it better by staying with my H. That won't make either of us happy - because I won't be able to be the wife he wants me to be.

[HeavenOrHell]

Some members were using religion to make Ann feel guilty, it is not acceptable to force your religion onto other people to make them feel guilty or for any other reason. You need to allow people to make their own choices.

Christianity is about forgiving, not judging, and loving and kindness, I have not seen much of this here.

It is nothing to do with others believing in something I don't, I don't care what anyone believes in (as long as it's not harmful to others) as long as they don't behave like everyone should think the same as them. What happened to freedom of choice?

 

heavenorhell,

nobody forced anything on you, you can simply choose to ignore it or not read it. That is the exact opposite of forcing. You just didn't like the fact that someone could believe in something you dont

[HeavenOrHell]

Would you prefer your spouse to stay with you even if they don't love you? Wouldn't it make you feel lonely and unloved, wouldn't you want someone who loves you?

I'm glad my ex was honest and told me he wasn't in love with me anymore, I would feel incredibly empty and worthless if he had stayed with me out of pity. I did not want to split up and it will take me a long to recover but I don't want to be with him if he doesn't want me, why would I? How sad would that be.

I would like to reconcile but I don't know if it is possible, no amount of therapy can bring the love back.

I want to feel loved just like Ann's husband does.

You cannot make yourself love someone, some couples are just not compatible and it will never work.

 

 

 

That's warm and fuzzy...lets all hold hands and sing Kumbaya. Sugar coating the death of a marriage and a family shouldn't be so fullfilling, and certainly does not merit encouragement. All my best to the kids Ann! All my best to the people who will follow your example. All my best to those cooking on the pot and wanting so much for others to join them. Come on in! The water's great!

 

Stay strong? Don't you have to first be strong to stay strong? I appreciate Ann's honestly and courage to truthfully post, but the encouragement and well wishes for divorce is tragically sad. Like cheerleaders at a car wreck.

[karnak]

Ann,

 

The woman I love has left my 4 years ago. Yet, I still love her. And always will.

 

All of us have the right to be happy and have the moral obligation to make others happy as well. And we can only make others happy as long as we have happiness within ourselves.

 

Please, do not fel remorse or sadness for what you're doing. If your husband loves you, he will only want to see you happy as well. And even if you'll not be married you can both still be great friends for the remainder of your lives and help each other for as long as you live.

 

As you'll walk into the future, just never forget the good times you spent with your husband, and help him whenever he needs. For he'll surely help you as well. And if he ever grows resentment against you... well, that would only mean there never was love between both of you.

 

We love those we love. That's it. If anyone had invented a "secret formula" to make women and men instantly love each other, there would only exist a book on relationships (like there's only one Bible, or one Constitution). The fact that there are hundreds of books on love and couple therapy means that, in the long run, all these "magic formulas" and attraction theories are "hoaxes" or not applicable to every couple. Or you'd just have to read one of these books and every marriage would be perfect.

 

Always be honest with yourself Ann, and everything will be ok. Those that really love you, will never stop loving you and helping you along your life.

[floridapad]

All of this talk about loving but not being in love is something I still don't understand. As you all know love ebbs and flows in long term relationships. If we were to call it quits because we go through long periods of unloving feelings then marriages would fail 95% of the time. I have spoken to many old couples and they have many secrets, but one of the biggest was commitment and acceptance. There were times of outright dislike for the spouse, but they stuck through it and had "feelings" again. This "mature love" as the love guru's call it is something that usually develops AFTER the disenchantment phase. This is ACCEPTANCE (not to be confused with settling) of the individual you are with. Unconditional true love for all their faults, imperfections and perfections. Similar to the grieving process wherein you are at the end of grieving and attain (or make a giant step towards) happiness by accepting the loss. Odd how acceptance works. It works for love as well.

 

Your chances of divorcing go up in a second marriage and even higher in third and fourths. At some point surviving a long term relationship is not about a feeling someone else gives you. It's about commitment and acceptance and happiness with ones self. That is what you deserve for yourself and that is what your husband deserves from his wife. People do fall in love again.

[Navin_R_Johnson]

At some point surviving a long term relationship is not about a feeling someone else gives you. It's about commitment and acceptance and happiness with ones self.

 

Very well put.

[karnak]

All of this talk about loving but not being in love is something I still don't understand. As you all know love ebbs and flows in long term relationships. If we were to call it quits because we go through long periods of unloving feelings then marriages would fail 95% of the time. I have spoken to many old couples and they have many secrets, but one of the biggest was commitment and acceptance. There were times of outright dislike for the spouse, but they stuck through it and had "feelings" again. This "mature love" as the love guru's call it is something that usually develops AFTER the disenchantment phase. This is ACCEPTANCE (not to be confused with settling) of the individual you are with. Unconditional true love for all their faults, imperfections and perfections. Similar to the grieving process wherein you are at the end of grieving and attain (or make a giant step towards) happiness by accepting the loss. Odd how acceptance works. It works for love as well.

 

Your chances of divorcing go up in a second marriage and even higher in third and fourths. At some point surviving a long term relationship is not about a feeling someone else gives you. It's about commitment and acceptance and happiness with ones self. That is what you deserve for yourself and that is what your husband deserves from his wife. People do fall in love again.

 

I guess the reason second marriages tend to fail is because many people bring "emotional baggage" to the new relationships: traumas, suspicions, resentment, the wish to start a new relationship without having forgotten the old one, etc.

 

In 5000 years of history humankind has not learned to deal with problems in relationships. I guess it never will. Back in 3000 BC, sumerian law codes already stated penalties for adultery. That means that there were already unhappy marriages in those times.

 

I remember reading, in the beggining of this year, that american scientists had reached the conclusion that only 10% of world marriages really attained what's usually called "true love". The remaining 90% consisted of couples united by materialist or selfish needs or by people who were just "settling".

 

From what life has taught me these figures seem quite to hit the mark.

 

Alas, 10% hit the Jackpot, the others just "go with the flow".

 

Maybe it's true, maybe not.

[HeavenOrHell]

What a lovely heartfelt post

 

 

Ann,

 

The woman I love has left my 4 years ago. Yet, I still love her. And always will.

 

All of us have the right to be happy and have the moral obligation to make others happy as well. And we can only make others happy as long as we have happiness within ourselves.

 

Please, do not fel remorse or sadness for what you're doing. If your husband loves you, he will only want to see you happy as well. And even if you'll not be married you can both still be great friends for the remainder of your lives and help each other for as long as you live.

 

As you'll walk into the future, just never forget the good times you spent with your husband, and help him whenever he needs. For he'll surely help you as well. And if he ever grows resentment against you... well, that would only mean there never was love between both of you.

 

We love those we love. That's it. If anyone had invented a "secret formula" to make women and men instantly love each other, there would only exist a book on relationships (like there's only one Bible, or one Constitution). The fact that there are hundreds of books on love and couple therapy means that, in the long run, all these "magic formulas" and attraction theories are "hoaxes" or not applicable to every couple. Or you'd just have to read one of these books and every marriage would be perfect.

 

Always be honest with yourself Ann, and everything will be ok. Those that really love you, will never stop loving you and helping you along your life.

[Steadfast]

 

Some members were using religion to make Ann feel guilty, it is not acceptable to force your religion onto other people to make them feel guilty or for any other reason. You need to allow people to make their own choices.

 

 

You have a real problem with this don't you HeavenOH? Have you stopped to consider that some people ARE guilty of certain things, or have you completely bought into the liberal mindset of subjectivity? The path leading to true happiness starts with admittance (when we are in error, and Ann was) correction, then moving on. What's truly wrong is backing someone who's in error with encouragement; especially if your agenda matches. You refuse to grasp the concept of true love, and the courage to give it.

 

Funny, Ann seems to have far less of a problem with this than you do.

 

 

Christianity is about forgiving, not judging, and loving and kindness, I have not seen much of this here.

 

 

Sadly, you're bought into society's twisted view of The Body and help no one by spreading it. If you're a believer, forgiveness is found through the savior. Christians are told TO judge people's actions and avoid sin, only God will judge the soul. Freedom is man's right, God will not interfere.

 

 

What happened to freedom of choice?

 

 

You don't desire freedom of choice because you and everyone else already has it. How many times have people posted -ad nauseam- that no one can decide for someone else? What you want is support for your own view; to say, do and impliment exactly what you wish to and then recieve loving support for doing so. Validation. That sickness is at the root of nearly every tale of dispair posted here on LS. But like any lie, the shelf life is short.

[SimplyBeingLoved]

Would you prefer your spouse to stay with you even if they don't love you? Wouldn't it make you feel lonely and unloved, wouldn't you want someone who loves you?

I'm glad my ex was honest and told me he wasn't in love with me anymore, I would feel incredibly empty and worthless if he had stayed with me out of pity. I did not want to split up and it will take me a long to recover but I don't want to be with him if he doesn't want me, why would I? How sad would that be.

I would like to reconcile but I don't know if it is possible, no amount of therapy can bring the love back.

I want to feel loved just like Ann's husband does.

You cannot make yourself love someone, some couples are just not compatible and it will never work.

 

I agree with this. Why would anyone want to be with someone who doesn't love them or want to be with them? Makes no sense to me.

 

I see people say "the marriage was going well, I was happy, I can't understand why they want out, it's so selfish, they should consider my feelings." My thought on that is.. if one person gets unhappy enough to the point of wanting out... the marriage was NOT going well. I can certainly understand trying to work it out, asking the partner to stay long enough for MC, etc. But if after some time has gone by, and it's clear it's not going to work out... ?

 

I would never want someone who doesn't feel the same way, so I guess I don't understand why people are trying so hard one-sidedly. I just don't get that (excluding kids, etc. as a reason). Maybe it's because I just haven't felt strong "love" feelings for a long time, but if I imagine when things WERE going well in my marriage, if my hubby had said he wanted out because he didn't want to be with me, for whatever reason, after getting clear it wasn't just a temporary change of heart, I'd just wave "bye-bye."

Edited November 30, 2009 by SimplyBeingLoved

[ann09]

See here is the thing.....I was never "in love" with him. I didnt even know what being in love was until I met the true love of my life.

 

I thought I was doing the right thing when I married him. We got along great - had the same ideals and values....both wanted children and the same things in life. I was dumb, immature and he was smart and driven. I was attracted to that and done with all the losers I had previously dated.

 

So here I am 14 yrs later. With 3 kids and all that should make me happy. and I'm not.

[floridapad]

Honestly Ann,

 

What are you doing here? Are you looking for a place to alleviate your guilt? Are you looking for support? It seems like you pretty much know exactly where you are at with things. Except do you really know what makes you happy. Truly deep down inside. Is it when your heart goes pitter patter at the thoughts of the OM? Love changes form and it most certainly would with the OM to a point where heck you might fall completely out of love with him one day and realize he was NEVER your soulmate.

 

Ask yourself not what makes you unhappy but what would REALISTICALLY sustain happiness for your for the rest of your life. If being "in love" is it then I'm sorry to say you are going to lead a long miserbale life trying to find that idea or notion or feeling from someone else.

 

My wife had a deep affair with someone and she described him as her soultmate. Compatible in all ways, until she started spending more time with him and seeing him in pressure situations and then she saw the "other" side and was left with nothing but an image of "love" based on an affair or a passing relationship, Stubborn intent on finding those "loving" feelings again. An idea/feeling that she is going to have a hard time matching in the real world. One that very few people can sustain.

 

Please, think about what makes you happy in life that is SUSTAINABLE, instead of thinking about not being in love with your husband is making you unhappy. What will make you unhappy if you divorce in the long run. Im curious to know.

[lostsoulmate]

I was in the exact situation you find yourself in.

 

These are your choices:

 

1. Stay where you are. Stay unhappy and deal.

 

2. Stay where you are. Go through the counseling, the unhappiness and deal.

 

3. Change you situation! You are the only one who can change it.

 

 

FYI, most people choose #1 or #2. But remember the right decision is usually the hardest one to accomplish.

 

I left. I changed my situation so I could be happy. In the long run, you are the only one who can make sure you have enough love to love yourself from the beginning to the end.

 

Good luck Ann.

 

If you need to talk, PM me.

[Boundary Problem]

If you leave - leave for yourself.

 

Don't need to wait for another man.

 

The day will come, when enough is enough.

 

You'll know.

 

 

The kids will be fine either way, as long as it stays amicable.

 

 

Why give either of the men that power over you? Just decide for yourself based on what your husband is or isn't doing for you.

 

 

Then you will never ever second-guess your decision to leave. 100% final. I think that finality is important, because those marriages/separations/affairs where they keep bouncing around between each other look very acutely painful.

 

I prefer certainty. And I think the kids need the certainty.

[ann09]

I'm not sure what I'm doing here (to answer a question above) - I fell upon this site when I was researching divorce etc.

 

I have made my decision and that's to end my marriage. Not for the other man. But for ME. Honestly, as I keep saying, I would rather be alone then in an unhappy marriage such as my own.

 

We've been through MC and been seeing a mediator. This has been the roughest period of my life but I am getting through it.