confession. scared.

[ann09]

I am more than likely going to end up alone - for reasons I can't get into right now. I am sure I will lead a loveless life as I know I will never persue another man. But I will put all of my focus on my kids and be the best mother I can be. Maybe I was meant to see love and know what it's like - even for that short amount of time - and that is it. Maybe I should just cherish that and feel happy I at least got to feel it. Maybe my punishment is that I will be alone for the rest of my life.QUOTE]

 

Don't say stupid things. You don't know how your future will be like. No-one knows.

 

Many people on this thread are arguing that they're miserable and want their wives and husbands back. Who knows how they'll be like in a year or two?

 

I knew people who claimed their life had ended after the divorce. Fast-forward one year guess what? They already have a new girl/man and don't care about the first person.

 

 

True. But I do know I am tired of drama and all that's gone on in my life the past few years. I have my kids to think about. If I am alone - I am going to put everything I have into these kids and not think about much else. I owe that to them. And they will very much most likely need it.

 

And to reply to something else Chrome said up there - why did I have more kids? I was in a different place back then. I was absorbed with being a mother. I also had the highest hopes that having a family would bring me and H closer. I wanted that bond with him. I thought seeing him as a father would help me fall in love with him.

[FeelingLonely98]

I thought seeing him as a father would help me fall in love with him.

 

What do YOU need to fall in love Ann? Please share ...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I told me 47 yr old wife that she fell in love with me once 16 yrs ago. And that she could fall in love with me again.

She can fall in love with her new little 18 yr old BF in just a few days or weeks? And she can fall out of love with me after a 16 yr good M?

If she can fall in love with a stranger almost overnight then I think she can fall in love with me again. Not sure how she can do it but she did it once, she can do it again. How does she know who she can fall in love with or not?

The one thing I do know is that to fall in love or rekindle those emotions she absolutely has to give up the AP 100%. Not just as a trial. But really give it up, and REALLY try. She won't.

 

Not sure if this could apply to you as well ann09??? How do you know who you can fall in love with or not?

 

My STBXW was actually head over heels in love with me. Madly in love. Gaga in love. PDAs. Love Notes. Constantly "beeping" me back then with "143" (before cell phones!). ETC. ETC. ETC. ETC. ETC. ETC.

I'm serious about this. It was a little over the top.

 

Like you ann, she now says she did all that to try to force herself to fall in love. Funny how she distorts her history. She felt in love. She thought she was in love. She did all the "in love" things. Had me (and everyone else) thinking she was in love. If it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, ... it must be a duck. And it must have been love too! But after she met the 18 yr old she realized she was never in love and discovered that she was faking it. (Ann, you see how your emotions are so much like my STBXWs?) That is why I am drawn to your threads.

 

GOOD LUCK!

 

PEACE!

[nobmagnet]

 

 

True. But I do know I am tired of drama and all that's gone on in my life the past few years. I have my kids to think about. If I am alone - I am going to put everything I have into these kids and not think about much else. I owe that to them. And they will very much most likely need it.

 

And to reply to something else Chrome said up there - why did I have more kids? I was in a different place back then. I was absorbed with being a mother. I also had the highest hopes that having a family would bring me and H closer. I wanted that bond with him. I thought seeing him as a father would help me fall in love with him.

 

you are even more stupid than I already thought ann. Who in there right mind has children to improve a relationship??????? They put enormous strain on solid relationships. Let alone one that you were never happy in anyway..........

[lostsoulmate]

 

you are even more stupid than I already thought ann. Who in there right mind has children to improve a relationship??????? They put enormous strain on solid relationships. Let alone one that you were never happy in anyway..........

 

IMO this is crap... why would you call someone you don't know stupid...

 

IMO you are the one who is stupid... name calling is for high school.

[karnak]

 

you are even more stupid than I already thought ann. Who in there right mind has children to improve a relationship??????? They put enormous strain on solid relationships. Let alone one that you were never happy in anyway..........

 

Most women stuck in unhappy relationships decide to have kids to try to improve their marriages, nobmagnet.

 

Many of them even have kids to try to stop their husbands from leaving the marriage. Sad, but true.

[nobmagnet]

sorry you are right. i shouldnt have used language like that. i should have used daft

[FeelingLonely98]

 

you are even more stupid than I already thought ann. Who in there right mind has children to improve a relationship??????? They put enormous strain on solid relationships. Let alone one that you were never happy in anyway..........

 

It happens ALL the time nm.

[nobmagnet]

dont get it.........i had children because i loved him deeply and expected to spend my life with him I wanted to have a part of "US" forever. It didnt work.......**** but ok. kids are difficult,challenging, and also rewarding however to bring a child into this world to save a bad relationship?? poor kid what pressure?

[Meatballsmom]

Ann

 

I read that you are expecting to live a lonely life. Other than LS, have you visited any other divorce or infidelity sites? If you do you will find numerous storys of the children angry with the cheating spouse

Please look into them, you do not want to be in my or my co-workers shoes.

More questions, maybe you can answer them!

My grandbaby, does she have pets, what is the name of her dog or cat?

Do her foster parents take her out to see the Christmas displays?

What mall will she be doing her Christmas shopping?

Is she still able to go to church

Is she doing good in school? Did she try out for the cheerleading squad?

And the worst one, has she began to forget about me?

These are just some of the millions of questions that are going to ticker tape through your head

Is a year or two with the OM worth a lifetime of no anwers?

[ann09]

Being called "stupid" doesn't bother me. Like I said before, I am a lot harder on myself than anyone else could be.

For the record, my H and I spent the day together yesterday. We talked and talked - and cried. He knows this isn't about any other man. And it isn't. My kids will never know. I am not "stupid" enough to bring someone new into their lives right away - if ever. Being a mother is my first priority. My H would never have this be about anyone else - he too knows how unhealthy that would be for our children. Right now their well being is our first priority. Its why he hasn't stormed out. We talked about what great "exes" we will be - that it doesn't have to be ugly or hurtful. I also have his best interests at heart. What I have done may be wrong on every level but I'm smart enough to understand how to do this without bringing my kids down too.

I had them not to "make my marriage better" but because we both wanted kids. I remember thinking we would form a closer bond - that it would solidify us as a couple. During that time when I had my 3 kids I was absorbed with only motherhood - not my marriage. Something there got very lost along the way - but now I recognize that it wasn't really there to begin with.

[karnak]

Right now their well being is our first priority. Its why he hasn't stormed out. We talked about what great "exes" we will be - that it doesn't have to be ugly or hurtful. I also have his best interests at heart. What I have done may be wrong on every level but I'm smart enough to understand how to do this without bringing my kids down too.

 

I think both of you are on the right track.

 

From my point of view, perhaps what is worst in most break-ups (including mine) isn't the break-up in itself, but the way in which the person who leaves suddenly becomes a completly diferent person and starts to treats us like s#!t. And boy, does it hurt to be attacked and despised by those we love the most.

 

Please, Ann. If you feel your husband was your friend in the marriage NEVER desert him or treat him like scum. Even if you find another man in your life.

[Nomad1]

Ann you are clearly unhappy...why prolong the agony? If your husband knew how you feel about him, he would have bolted a while ago. Any man would have. I don't understand why you are continuing with this farce! Leave now! The children will be ok. Life is too short and there are no retakes. Your husband deserves to be with someone else who will love him and whom he will cherish, not someone who resents him!

 

Nomad1

[FeelingLonely98]

What do YOU need to fall in love Ann? Please share ...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How do you know who you can fall in love with or not?

 

Ann - Help me understand your take on these questions. I am sure your answers would be similar to what my STBXW would say.

 

TY

[FeelingLonely98]

Please, Ann. If you feel your husband was your friend in the marriage NEVER desert him or treat him like scum. Even if you find another man in your life.

 

Karnak - I don't think I can remain in my STBXW's life after D. She destroyed me emotionally. I will heal. But I don't want to be her friend. I can't. To many bad memories. The last few months have overshadowed the previous 16 wonderful years.

 

Did you consider maybe Ann's H might feel the same way? They will have to maintain LC because of the kids I suppose.

[karnak]

So, Ann, as you see...

 

...everyone has a different opinion about you and what's happening to your marriage.

 

Moral of the Story: It's your life. No one here knows your husband, your kids or how you've been living your life.No one here is a real friend because they don't know you personally and you don't know any of us. They won't hold you hand or lend their shoulder for you to cry, because this is a virtual, virtual world. We've all tried to help you, one way or the other, but as we only know what you write here, we're missing a huge part of the story.

 

So... you'll have to live your life just as everyone does outside this web-forum: one day at a time, solving issues as they come.

 

Has "LS" really been of any help so far? Be honest.

[karnak]

Karnak - I don't think I can remain in my STBXW's life after D. She destroyed me emotionally. I will heal. But I don't want to be her friend. I can't. To many bad memories. The last few months have overshadowed the previous 16 wonderful years.

 

Did you consider maybe Ann's H might feel the same way? They will have to maintain LC because of the kids I suppose.

 

I can understand what you feel. But, for what she told us, Ann's husband never treated her the way your STBXW treated you (excuse me for saying this, but I think she was a real pig for what she did to you:mad:). Except for that "rape incident" he was always deserving of her trust and respect.

[FeelingLonely98]

I can understand what you feel. But, for what she told us, Ann's husband never treated her the way your STBXW treated you (excuse me for saying this, but I think she was a real pig for what she did to you:mad:). Except for that "rape incident" he was always deserving of her trust and respect.

 

NP. TY.

 

But I don't liken Ann's H to my STBXW. I liken Ann to my STBXW.

Ann's H is like me except I never did anything like what he did.

 

I do not call what Ann's H did rape. Even Ann is all over the place with this. It is rape. It is not rape.

[lostsoulmate]

.... Except for that "rape incident" he was always deserving of her trust and respect.

 

Expect when he would call her kiddo???!!! She says she even told him her opinion on the "pet name" and he still did it....

 

Another man who heard her, but apparently never listened....

[hopesndreams]

Kiddo, shmido, widdo, who the heck cares? It's just a nickname he used for her, once, twice, many times, does it really matter in the big scheme of things? You know there is scraping the bottom of the barrel for excuses on being "unhappy" and not "in love." Just goes to show the mentally some people are in when it's such a big deal to be called kiddo. Get real.

 

Nothing, absolutely nothing would give anyone the right to cheat on their SO. You're miserable and want out of a M? Then GO, LEAVE! Why all the lies and deceit and finding a replacement before hitting the road? SELFISHNESS, and plain not giving a dang who gets hurt.

[curiou]

Oftentimes an affair is the just the end stage of an uncoupling process in the cheating partner's mind. It's actually easier for a cheater to leave for an affair partner than to leave for "nothing." A cheater feels as if she's in an emotionally dead-end relationship that's grown insipid over years and years. The spouse *thinks* it's great, but doesn't recognize the subtle signs of emotional withdrawal. The cheater can even continue to have sex with her spouse.

 

The affair partner is something new, something supportive, something vivacious. Finally, something to leave for! It's obvious to all of us that the affair relationship is clearly not what the entire reality is after the cheater leaves to establish a relationship with the affair partner, but it doesn't change the fact that it provides an "out."

 

Divorces take time. To deal with this, a cheater "separates" to get some space. Now separated, she is free to mess around. Very few people would have the strength to abstain from sex or emotional bonding with an affair partner while waiting for a divorce. Sad, but true.

[karnak]

Oftentimes an affair is the just the end stage of an uncoupling process in the cheating partner's mind. It's actually easier for a cheater to leave for an affair partner than to leave for "nothing." A cheater feels as if she's in an emotionally dead-end relationship that's grown insipid over years and years. The spouse *thinks* it's great, but doesn't recognize the subtle signs of emotional withdrawal. The cheater can even continue to have sex with her spouse.

 

The affair partner is something new, something supportive, something vivacious. Finally, something to leave for! It's obvious to all of us that the affair relationship is clearly not what the entire reality is after the cheater leaves to establish a relationship with the affair partner, but it doesn't change the fact that it provides an "out."

 

Divorces take time. To deal with this, a cheater "separates" to get some space. Now separated, she is free to mess around. Very few people would have the strength to abstain from sex or emotional bonding with an affair partner while waiting for a divorce. Sad, but true.

 

Interesting. In fact, I've read many psichological studies which state that many affairs are in fact an "unconscious" way that people use to force themselves to leave a frustrating relationship. They're not really interested in the other man or the other woman. In fact, they only use them as emotional backup and justification to gather strength to leave the marriage.

 

After the marriage ends and the sexual excitment and physical attraction vanish the relationship than began with the affair begins to deteriorate and then vanishes.

[ann09]

So, Ann, as you see...

 

...everyone has a different opinion about you and what's happening to your marriage.

 

Moral of the Story: It's your life. No one here knows your husband, your kids or how you've been living your life.No one here is a real friend because they don't know you personally and you don't know any of us. They won't hold you hand or lend their shoulder for you to cry, because this is a virtual, virtual world. We've all tried to help you, one way or the other, but as we only know what you write here, we're missing a huge part of the story.

 

So... you'll have to live your life just as everyone does outside this web-forum: one day at a time, solving issues as they come.

 

Has "LS" really been of any help so far? Be honest.

 

 

Oh LS has most definitely helped me so far. I wouldn't keep coming back if it didn't. I have to be honest though, it's been pretty tough. I am not sure what I expected when I first came here - but it is a little different than I expected I think.

[ann09]

Ann - Help me understand your take on these questions. I am sure your answers would be similar to what my STBXW would say.

 

TY

 

 

The man I truly fell in love with - hard to explain why I fell in love with him. There's a lot of substance to him. He's a dreamer somewhat, just as I am. He too has many regrets in his life. When we're together there is just this undeniable connection. It's almost bigger than us. An enormous peace comes over me when I am in his presence. I am not talking about silly, crushing feelings. I am talking about something I have never felt before in my life.

[ann09]

"How do you know who you can fall in love with or not?"

 

I don't. Well, I didn't. I wasn't looking for it. I don't think we know who we can fall in love with until we persue it. I thought way back when that I was in love with my husband, but now, 14 yrs later, I know that our relationship has been very much business like. But I was tired of all the "wrong guys" and liked that he had his **** together. Back then, it was what I needed. But it wasn't "love" - it was nice and comfortable I suppose. I wish someone had hit me on the head back then and really asked if I was happy and in love. I wish I had asked myself.

 

So I guess to answer the above question, I don't think we can force ourselves to fall in love with who we want to at times. It's either there or it isn't.

[FeelingLonely98]

"How do you know who you can fall in love with or not?"

 

I don't. Well, I didn't. I wasn't looking for it. I don't think we know who we can fall in love with until we persue it. I thought way back when that I was in love with my husband, but now, 14 yrs later, I know that our relationship has been very much business like. But I was tired of all the "wrong guys" and liked that he had his **** together. Back then, it was what I needed. But it wasn't "love" - it was nice and comfortable I suppose. I wish someone had hit me on the head back then and really asked if I was happy and in love. I wish I had asked myself.

 

So I guess to answer the above question, I don't think we can force ourselves to fall in love with who we want to at times. It's either there or it isn't.

 

TY for answering my questions ann. I was hoping your first response would be answered more thinking about your H but it appears it is more about the new AP.

 

I appreciate your honesty ...