confession. scared.

[dgiirl]

Ann said he raped her and I believe her.

 

No, she did not! Her exact words were "I remember feeling like - did my husband just rape me?? nooooooo". There is a HUGE difference between an introspective question and suffering the real thing.

 

Maybe you should read ALL the words in a sentence so you can understand what is actually written instead of making up your own sentences to fit your view of the world.

 

I'm not saying what he did was the classiest thing, but a woman cannot just remain completely passive about having sex and then accuse her partner of rape. She was not pinned down. She did not object to having sex. She was conscious of the whole situation. She gave up both her choices to and not to have sex by remaining passive. And vomiting after having sex? She had a LOT of alcohol. Having sex on a bed, with a lot of alcohol, could produce some very dizzying affects that can make people vomit.

 

 

So you'd stick with a spouse who repulsed you so much you throw up when they had sex with you?

 

Another example of you not reading what people write. Why dont you provide helpful advice _to_ Ann instead of being an attention grabber just picking random arguments out of the air?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Ann if you want to leave, then file for divorce and leave!

 

For the last time, HE DID NOT RAPE YOU!

 

you felt that way because you was pining for another man and a better life.

 

But if you notice, he never abused you or hurt you,and yet you want to run away from this man, so clearly something is wrong but it's inside of you!!!

 

No one has pointed this out to you, but until you fix your inner issues you will never be happy, you will always be in some ways be miserable.

 

Whether your married to your current husband or not!

 

I think he should get divorced because later on down the line what man wants to be with a woman when she feels like crap for being with him, it gets frustrating and stupid. When you realize that the female has issues she needs to deal with but those issues can put an end to an other wise good relationship!

 

If you want to leave, then LEAVE. He'll survive without you claiming rape! or being such a miserable woman for him. He's gonna get tired of it sooner or later...

 

I would be. And the day he moves on, dont come back, leave him alone. Let him move on with a better looking and better emotionally stable female that wont feel like she's being raped. God do you know how emasculating that is for a man to hear?

[ann09]

I didn't throw up after that incident. That was many, many years back. I am not even sure if we had kids at that point. If we did, they were little. I blocked that night out.

 

The night I got sick was the last time I had consensual sex with him.

 

I have a hard time calling it rape and maybe I shouldn't have used that word. But I do remember realizing he didn't know I was aware of what was happening. I felt used. I could barely move. he never said a word to me. Just came upstairs and did what he did, and then left. I only remember feeling confused and numb.

[ann09]

Ann if you want to leave, then file for divorce and leave!

 

For the last time, HE DID NOT RAPE YOU!

 

you felt that way because you was pining for another man and a better life.

 

But if you notice, he never abused you or hurt you,and yet you want to run away from this man, so clearly something is wrong but it's inside of you!!!

 

No one has pointed this out to you, but until you fix your inner issues you will never be happy, you will always be in some ways be miserable.

 

Whether your married to your current husband or not!

 

I think he should get divorced because later on down the line what man wants to be with a woman when she feels like crap for being with him, it gets frustrating and stupid. When you realize that the female has issues she needs to deal with but those issues can put an end to an other wise good relationship!

 

If you want to leave, then LEAVE. He'll survive without you claiming rape! or being such a miserable woman for him. He's gonna get tired of it sooner or later...

 

I would be. And the day he moves on, dont come back, leave him alone. Let him move on with a better looking and better emotionally stable female that wont feel like she's being raped. God do you know how emasculating that is for a man to hear?

 

 

When the incident happened (notice I am not calling it rape), I wasn't with another man. It was probably close to a decade ago. This was during "happier" times. This happened loooong before anyone else came into the picture.

 

And I haven't spoken of the incident to him. I never will. I would never claim he raped me. If I did, I would only be searching for a way to put blame on him. I can't do that because this is MY decision and MY feelings. Honestly I can search all I want - but I am only doing just that, searching. I shouldn't have posted about that incident. I know I awful I felt when it happened and I will never forget it. But I also realize I am looking for excuses to leave.

[dgiirl]

For the last time, HE DID NOT RAPE YOU!

 

She never accused he did! HeavenOrHell is just stirring up trouble for her own justifications for thread jacking.

[cyabye]

Wel if it says love is a choice and not a feeling in the bible, it must be true

 

Clueless. Nothing more to say here.

[Steadfast]

 

I still believe that love IS a feeling. But love is a very strong feeling. A choice? Not sure about that.

 

 

Sorry Ann, I disagree. Love -real love- is a decision. Sure, feelings are involved; romantic feelings, affection, passion, but those things; that quick burning excitement, is not real love. No matter how great you think the OM is, (anyone Ann) eventually the relationship will settle into a pattern like you have with your husband. Who knows, maybe you'll grow to hate his 'smell' too, or rush to the toilet after sex. I'm not trying to be mean or belittle you Ann, I'm trying to make a point. What will you decide when you get what you *think* you want? How can you be sure it'll be better?

 

 

And I have walked away from the OM before and I can't begin to type the words to describe how I felt. I can't explain those feelings - the worst heartache I have ever experienced. I wouldn't wish that feeling on my worst enemy.

 

 

Really? That's how your husband feels Ann. That's the pain he's feeling.

 

 

I still don't have that passionate feeling for my H and it kills him. Doesn't he deserve a wife that wants him and is not just staying because she made a promise to him years ago and it would be too hard to break that promise?? Doesn't HE deserve more than that? I feel guilty every time he comes home and I can't walk up to him and kiss him. I can't. I don't know why but I don't feel it. In fact, sadly, I feel dread when he walks in. I don't WANT to feel that but I do. Who would WANT that??

 

 

This is somewhat painful for me to read Ann, because my ex-wife (whom I loved deeply) felt much the same way about me. All of it; the lack of romantic feelings, the dread in seeing me, even -ironically- the smell part. For her it was my feet that she complained about, and I didn't discover the cure until after she left. Too bad, but no small thing. I didn't like it either.

 

As a way of helping you understand what possibly may happen when you divorce, I'll explain that her disinterest in me intensified and boiled over when her affair started. That's when she came clean and told me everything. In fact, she explained that she felt like she was cheating on *him* by being with me. I can't explain what that felt like...no words.

 

In the coming months (after she moved out, leaving the kids with me) her relationship with the OM fizzled and she had another affair (again, after promising she 'needed space/time to think' and not to see other men) and that's when I filed. At some point, your husband will have to let you go like I let her go. What other choice is there? One person is not a marriage.

 

I was shocked when she began showing interest in me again, but that didn't happen until I began dating. She went to great lengths to tell me just how badly she felt; that she was consumed with guilt and that I didn't deserve any of this, that I was a wonderful man and father. See, that was the confusing part for me...if she was so 'overwhelmed' why didn't she want to work on our marriage and get herself into a better place? I mean, it's human instinct to 'feel better' when something hurts, right? Why?

 

The reason is because, she didn't really mean it. Deep down, she wanted other men and a different life. even knowing the risks. Those things were said to me to soften the blow, her saying what (she thought) I wanted to hear. But she didn't mean it. Her suffering was 'the price' she paid to make the change, sleep with other men and end our marriage...all wrapped up with a little bow of sorrow and guilt too great to ever overcome.

 

What she *did* miss was having someone there to solve problems for her. That's why she came around. Money, help with her car, bill questions, etc.

 

Sad.

 

So yes Ann. Let him go. Let him find love. He does deserve it and believe me when I say there are legions of women waiting in line for an honest, hard working, faithful man. Like it or not, your life is stained...that's the price people pay for infidelity. You'll experience the consequences of this for the rest of your life and like it or not, you'll carry it into your next relationship too. It's unavoidable. It's part of you forever.

 

Let him go and from now on, make better decisions. Don't 'do' good things, 'be' good. True goodness and happiness comes from the inside out.

 

Good luck.

[cyabye]

Sorry Ann, I disagree. Love -real love- is a decision. Sure, feelings are involved; romantic feelings, affection, passion, but those things; that quick burning excitement, is not real love. No matter how great you think the OM is, (anyone Ann) eventually the relationship will settle into a pattern like you have with your husband. Who knows, maybe you'll grow to hate his 'smell' too, or rush to the toilet after sex. I'm not trying to be mean or belittle you Ann, I'm trying to make a point. What will you decide when you get what you *think* you want? How can you be sure it'll be better?

 

 

 

Really? That's how your husband feels Ann. That's the pain he's feeling.

 

 

 

This is somewhat painful for me to read Ann, because my ex-wife (whom I loved deeply) felt much the same way about me. All of it; the lack of romantic feelings, the dread in seeing me, even -ironically- the smell part. For her it was my feet that she complained about, and I didn't discover the cure until after she left. Too bad, but no small thing. I didn't like it either.

 

As a way of helping you understand what possibly may happen when you divorce, I'll explain that her disinterest in me intensified and boiled over when her affair started. That's when she came clean and told me everything. In fact, she explained that she felt like she was cheating on *him* by being with me. I can't explain what that felt like...no words.

 

In the coming months (after she moved out, leaving the kids with me) her relationship with the OM fizzled and she had another affair (again, after promising she 'needed space/time to think' and not to see other men) and that's when I filed. At some point, your husband will have to let you go like I let her go. What other choice is there? One person is not a marriage.

 

I was shocked when she began showing interest in me again, but that didn't happen until I began dating. She went to great lengths to tell me just how badly she felt; that she was consumed with guilt and that I didn't deserve any of this, that I was a wonderful man and father. See, that was the confusing part for me...if she was so 'overwhelmed' why didn't she want to work on our marriage and get herself into a better place? I mean, it's human instinct to 'feel better' when something hurts, right? Why?

 

The reason is because, she didn't really mean it. Deep down, she wanted other men and a different life. even knowing the risks. Those things were said to me to soften the blow, her saying what (she thought) I wanted to hear. But she didn't mean it. Her suffering was 'the price' she paid to make the change, sleep with other men and end our marriage...all wrapped up with a little bow of sorrow and guilt too great to ever overcome.

 

What she *did* miss was having someone there to solve problems for her. That's why she came around. Money, help with her car, bill questions, etc.

 

Sad.

 

So yes Ann. Let him go. Let him find love. He does deserve it and believe me when I say there are legions of women waiting in line for an honest, hard working, faithful man. Like it or not, your life is stained...that's the price people pay for infidelity. You'll experience the consequences of this for the rest of your life and like it or not, you'll carry it into your next relationship too. It's unavoidable. It's part of you forever.

 

Let him go and from now on, make better decisions. Don't 'do' good things, 'be' good. True goodness and happiness comes from the inside out.

 

Good luck.

 

Steadfast,

 

Thanks for this post. I for one appreciate it very much. You are very wise and I am sorry for your loss as well. Ann will do whatever she "feels" is the right thing versus what the right thing to do really is.

 

cyabye

[HarmonyHope]

Like it or not, your life is stained...that's the price people pay for infidelity. You'll experience the consequences of this for the rest of your life and like it or not, you'll carry it into your next relationship too. It's unavoidable. It's part of you forever.

 

Totally disagree with this. I don't believe in once a cheater always a cheater. It can be a growth experience for ann and she can have a happy life, with or without OM. I know you may need to believe that your W will forever be miserable without you, but sorry, no one is THAT special.

[FeelingLonely98]

I still believe that love IS a feeling. A choice? Not sure about that. I could "choose" to love Joe Shmo on the street - doesn't mean it's going to happen.

 

When you first meet someone - the little butterflies, the jittery feeling in your stomach, that is due to physiology, i.e., endorphins and hormones released into the bloodstrem. That is the initial "feeling" of love. BUT, that does not last indefinitely - it fades in time & then a truer deeper more spiritual love kicks in - the one where you CHOOSE to love this person - for better or worse - that unconditional love. EVERYONE in a M can meet someone else that could stir up the "feelings" of love, and this new person will feel like love and you will dismiss the deeper love because you no longer feel it. The BS will never compare to the new AP. THAT is a choice. I am not saying that people stay in or should stay in bad marriages because of choice. But they have chosen to commit unditional love to their partner and those that have this know it is a greater more powerful more satisfying love than that initial "feeling" of love.

This ios basic psychology.

 

NOBODY wants ann to stay in what she NOW describes as a miserable situation, I think most people just wish that she would TRY with everything NOW that all the cards are on the table. The H now knows and if ann REALLY tries and it still won't work, oh well, then go your own way. The kids will suffer, the H will suffer, but ann will be happy.

[HeavenOrHell]

Ann said in her other thread that her husband raped her, didn't you Ann, could you confirm that so people can see I'm not lying, erm why would I want to stir up trouble?!

 

 

 

She never accused he did! HeavenOrHell is just stirring up trouble for her own justifications for thread jacking.

[FeelingLonely98]

And I'm talking from the point of view whose partner left after 18 years as he was no longer in love with me, why in the hell would I want anyone to force him to have stayed with me if he didn't love me?!

 

 

I don't know your whole story HoH - but if you H left without trying to fix the problems in the M I don't think you would be so non-chalant about it.

 

If he did try and eventually you both figured out it would never work, then that is great. (Maybe he "tried" but still had emotional ties to the OW?)

 

Anyway, ann's story appears to have no TRUE REAL attempt at fixing the problems in the M. I think that is why so many do not want ann to run now. There are kids involved. what if, just WHAT IF, WHAT IF, ann and H could work it out and ann would be happy in the M and love her H. would be able to kiss him because she is happy and loves him. Could make love to him without being repulsed, because she now loves him again. WOW. What if ... I think this story is going to end up with an ending of --> "We'll never know". And that's too bad. I really suggest you read dgiirl's post many many times ann - and really consider it, ok?

 

BEST OF LUCK to you ann. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Don't live with regrets...

 

PEACE!

[Steadfast]

 

I don't believe in once a cheater always a cheater. It can be a growth experience for ann and she can have a happy life, with or without OM. I know you may need to believe that your W will forever be miserable without you, but sorry, no one is THAT special.

 

 

 

Sadly, the effects of infidelity do follow the cheater and the people in their lives. Personally speaking, it has nothing to do with me nor do I want my ex to suffer. Just the opposite is true. Like I said in an earlier post, anytime your personal gain or motive comes at the expense of another, it's wrong. Time won't change it HarmonyHope; wont make it better. Your heart will simply harden as you justify it or become more desensitized.

 

Take it as a warning, not a threat. Only a sicko wants someone to suffer.

 

At some point after her divorce, Ann will engage in another relationship. Sometime either before or after, her partner will learn about her past and believe me, it'll make an impression. Especially when he learns that her ex was basically a good man, or when she says something positive about him as a father or as a man. In the back of his mind, he'll wonder. Why wouldn't he? She has a history and has proven she is capable of it. That's why experts call infidelity a social disease. It spreads from one to another.

 

The fact that she may or may not EVER cheat again is a moot point. I suspect many cheaters never really consider that beforehand. I had to face my denial and failure HarmonyHope, I suggest you do the same and stop giving Ann bad advice. It isn't a 'growth' experience, it's horrid experience.

[cyabye]

Totally disagree with this. I don't believe in once a cheater always a cheater. It can be a growth experience for ann and she can have a happy life, with or without OM. I know you may need to believe that your W will forever be miserable without you, but sorry, no one is THAT special.

 

Doubtful. The only way for a person to truly change their "spots" is to give themself completely to God, ask for forgiveness and restore all the damage they did to the other person. Through devine intervention, a person can truly change. Every other attempt is futile. Some here don't want to hear this but that is their problem and they can live their life how they choose and wonder why they are never happy.

[cyabye]

Self righteous patronising christian

 

LMAO. OK. Take care.

[FeelingLonely98]

WOW- I think this is the best thread I have ever read on LS. Not because of the infighting, but because of the wonderful insightful posts by cyabye, steadfast, dgiirl, gunny, etc. - - - and yes, because of ann!! The back and forth is very insightful and I guarantee has opened many eyes.

 

I wish my STBXW had read some of this.

 

ann - I truly applaud you for trying to learn. I know your heart feels closed off and I believe you are like 90% of the way out the door, but you are truly the exception for wanting to get input from folks who have lived what you are going thru. BRAVO girl!

 

Don't make any rush final decsions, ... take your time.

 

BTW, I am now the BS, but 18 years ago I was the MM leaving a good M to a good girl (with 2 kids) for an OW. I was so focused on the A that I didn't give the M a chance. I was certain that I could never love again (maybe I was right, maybe not?)

 

I regreted that so many times in the years that followed that I never tried - mostly because of the kids.

 

PEACE!

[HeavenOrHell]

Stop forcing your religion down other people's throats! This isn't a Christianity site.

 

 

Doubtful. The only way for a person to truly change their "spots" is to give themself completely to God, ask for forgiveness and restore all the damage they did to the other person. Through devine intervention, a person can truly change. Every other attempt is futile. Some here don't want to hear this but that is their problem and they can live their life how they choose and wonder why they are never happy.

[FeelingLonely98]

Stop forcing your religion down other people's throats! This isn't a Christianity site.

 

HoH - I am not super religious so don't call ME a bible thumper. I do not see cyabye's post as overly zelaous at all.

 

Please do not disrespect other's beliefs. It puts you in such a low light. Your posts have overall been mean spirited and sometimes rude but I think others have allowed that / accepted that because of your pain &/or anger over your D, but please be respectful here on LS, ok?

 

PEACE!

[ann09]

I can't reply to everything just now - lots of "talking" going on here today and such. Ugh. But I do need to say to HOH that I did use the word rape so you are justified in all your posts. I am struggling with that - but rape is the word that comes to mind when I think of what he did. I just can't use that as the reason to leave him - maybe just that its contributed to how I feel about him.

[cyabye]

Stop forcing your religion down other people's throats!

 

OK. You can stop replying to my posts at anytime. I am not forcing anything. I was stating my opinion and my beliefs. The only "throat" that's having trouble is yours. I see no others complaining. You take it for what it's worth.

 

cyabye

Edited November 14, 2009 by cyabye

[HarmonyHope]

I wish my STBXW had read some of BTW, I am now the BS, but 18 years ago I was the MM leaving a good M to a good girl (with 2 kids) for an OW. I was so focused on the A that I didn't give the M a chance. I was certain that I could never love again (maybe I was right, maybe not?)

 

Interesting. Is the STBxW the OW from that situation?

[HarmonyHope]

 

The fact that she may or may not EVER cheat again is a moot point. I suspect many cheaters never really consider that beforehand. I had to face my denial and failure HarmonyHope, I suggest you do the same and stop giving Ann bad advice. It isn't a 'growth' experience, it's horrid experience.

 

I don't believe I gave ANY advice. It's just that ann came here and said she wants a divorce. Most of the people here are getting divorced against their will and so it's easy to see why everyone wants to talk her out it. BUT - it is not for anyone here to judge whether her reasons are valid or not. If she makes a wrong decision, she will regret it - she is the one that has to live with it and answer for it. Right now, she doesn't need to prove to anyone here that she's tried "hard enough" to save her marriage. It's a personal decision.

 

And for the less-enlightened: just because he's her H doesn't mean it isn't rape. Having sex with someone whose pretty well unconscious is rape. She didn't protest, but she sure as hell didn't consent. It'd be like having sex with someone in a coma, even if it is your spouse. Years later, being with him sexually makes her physically ill? Is it any wonder? The man objectified and disrespected her.

 

And she never was really in love with him in the first place! It happens. I did it, and I know many other people that married too young to people that were never really in love with. I didn't even want to have sex on my wedding night, and interestingly, I found that to be true for almost all of my friends who had the same issue with never being in love with their spouse. So, as part of an unscientific test, ann - did you want to have sex with your H on your wedding night?

[2.50 a gallon]

Meatballsmom pointed out in Ann's other thread that Ann is the midst of having an affair and the cheating spouses tend to rewrite the history of their marriage, so we need to take her posts with a grain of salt.

Examples from her first thread: She never loved her H, and a couple of post later she says she fell out of love with her H

 

Counseling and vomiting after sex all took place after she began her affair.

 

As Gunny pointed she needs to find herself before she can move on in her life.

 

Ann you say say the OM is out of the picture. Details please, so we can help

 

P.S Gunny, I wish you had visited on Vets day, as I wanted to thank you, Lakeside and all others like you. I sleep in a warm safe bed with a full tummy and a house full of cats. We all thank you

 

Gallon

[FeelingLonely98]

Interesting. Is the STBxW the OW from that situation?

 

no she is not.

[FeelingLonely98]

Most of the people here are getting divorced against their will and so it's easy to see why everyone wants to talk her out it.

 

I do not believe any1 is trying to talk ann out of it. I believe instead they are encouraging her to TRY to fix her marriage before running from the family.

 

And she never was really in love with him in the first place! It happens. I did it, and I know many other people that married too young to people that were never really in love with. I didn't even want to have sex on my wedding night

 

oh. I understand now why you are posting as you are. You were never "in love". Some of your threads make it seem like you were a BS. To me it was odd that you wouldn't advise ann to at least try to save her M before she divorces. Now it makes sense.

 

PEACE!