"I'll always love you, remember that."

[EricaH329]

I get this e-mail or IM from my ex from time to time. Usually I take it as him trying to 'ease' my pain in some form.

 

I just got this e-mail from him, again. This time, though, I sat and stared at it for a few minutes. Instead of just blowing it off, I actually thought about it. (No, I didn't respond. No, i'm not going to).

 

Why would I want to remember that?? Why does he seem so adamant about making sure that I know this??

 

To be quite honest, i'd rather it if he didn't love me. At all. Ever again.

 

I don't understand. I just don't.

[onewillburn]

It could be an ego thing. Maybe he feels like he's being noble by offering his love to you forever, even though he broke up with you. Maybe he doesn't like the idea of you having bitter feelings towards him (which seems to be a prevailing notion amongst dumpers).

 

Either way, it's dumb that he keeps bothering you with things like that. It's pretty disrespectful, actually. Sends a lot of mixed signals, stirs up emotions, etc.

 

Good job on not responding, and make sure to delete the e-mail if you haven't already. Blowing that kind of stuff off is probably for the best.

[GrayClouds]

I get this e-mail or IM from my ex from time to time. Usually I take it as him trying to 'ease' my pain in some form.

 

WOW, your very generous.

 

When I was a kid I wanted this great new bike. So every night before bed I would pray to God "Please God give me that great bike" The next morning I would run down stairs and look in the garage to see if I if it was there. Sadly it was not. I did that same thing for a whole week and for the whole week, no luck. Then I remembered I was catholic! The next day I went out and stole that great bike and then prayed for forgiveness.

 

I kind of think your Ex is trying to do the same thing. I see it as him trying to "ease" his guilt and align his sense of self with behaviors that do not match up.

[alphamale]

Why does he seem so adamant about making sure that I know this??

because he's an idiot, people generally stick by the ones they really love

[EricaH329]

This whole 'easing' of the guilt thing doesn't convince me. How could that ease anyones guilt?? This is basically the message I am getting from this:

 

"Hey, I treated you like crap for awhile, did things that contradicted the 'love' that I profess to you, and now that it's over... I want you to know that i'll always 'love' you."

 

Get the f*** outta here! That pisses me off!! The more that time passes, the more I see him as a liar. A pathetic attempt at trying to let me know that his love for me was 'real' even though it didn't work out between him and I. No... his love wasn't real. Just as alphamale said, you stick by the people you love.

 

I would never, ever have a thought in my mind to contact any of my ex's just to let them know that I will always love them. That's absurd! And I hope he realizes what an @$$ he's making himself out to be.

 

:mad:

[Calendula]

I haven't been on LS for a while, but I decided to check in today and see how you were doing with your relationship, since replying to one of your posts was the reason I originally joined. I find this most recent thread of yours interesting, expecially in light of what you wrote in a thread from the beginning of October:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t204706/

 

I haven't finished reading all of what has happened between then and now, but I think that part of what you may still be having trouble with is acceptance, both of the love you had for him and the love you still have for him. Your OP for this thread about his messages makes me think that he is just trying to make sure that you know about his love for you, whatever form it may currently take, and whether or not you two ever get back together. I don't think it has anything to do with guilt or trying to get you back, but I can't get in his head so I couldn't know for sure.

 

I wonder if you think you may feel that you would be preventing yourself from getting over him, or delaying the healing process by admitting to yourself and to him that you still love him in some way....

 

How do you think you have progressed with your feelings in terms of acceptance? What kind of closure have you been able to reach with him, and have you been able to recreate his role in your life, the place he holds near your heart, so that it is something positive?

 

Even if you aren't communicating with him, the fact that you are still thinking about him enough to post on LS because you are upset by his attempts to communicate with you, makes me think that he still plays a significant role in your life (even if only in your head), one that you haven't yet been able to lay to rest or come to terms with. Do you think this could be the case? If it is, then you probably aren't ever going to be able to get rid of him, and perhaps you need to decide what his new role should be and communicate that to him so you are both clear on where things stand. It might help get you some closure so that you can move on to a new relationship without emotional hang-ups from this past one.

[GrayClouds]

This whole 'easing' of the guilt thing doesn't convince me. How could that ease anyones guilt?? This is basically the message I am getting from this:

 

"Hey, I treated you like crap for awhile, did things that contradicted the 'love' that I profess to you, and now that it's over... I want you to know that i'll always 'love' you."

 

Get the f*** outta here! That pisses me off!! The more that time passes, the more I see him as a liar. A pathetic attempt at trying to let me know that his love for me was 'real' even though it didn't work out between him and I. No... his love wasn't real. Just as alphamale said, you stick by the people you love.

 

I would never, ever have a thought in my mind to contact any of my ex's just to let them know that I will always love them. That's absurd! And I hope he realizes what an @$$ he's making himself out to be.

 

:mad:

 

No he does not realize. He likely thinking "what a great guy I am even though I broke her heart I am still trying to make her feel good."

 

I agree with you and Alpha but that does not mean he does. He may not even able to think that way:

 

http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/relational_maintenance/public/love_styles.html

 

What ever the reason he does what he does the bottom line is he f#cking with you head. You deserve better than him.

[AliveAndKicking]

My ex laid that garbage on me during our last conversation. The same conversation in which she talked to me with absolute disgust and sneering contempt as if she was talking to a lousy rotten dirty dog.

 

She also "reassured" me "That i would see her again!" as if to say that I'd be so lucky to be graced with her presence in my life in some fashion later on.

 

Some pople have a LOT of nerve and assume that because we were once under their thumb that we always will be and that it is somehow a priveledge to serve them.

 

I get a kick out of it now. She has no idea how my attitude, my self-worth, and most importantly (to her) my feelings towards her have changed.

 

Don't waste too much time fretting over the words of an arrogant jackass. You deserve FAR better than him and if you keep doing what you're doing you'll forget his name before too awful long. Now wouldn't that just be a crying shame?

 

NOT!

[EricaH329]

Calendula-

 

It's always a pleasure to get a response from you. You really helped me out in the past. Thank you!

 

I go through cycles of thinking about him, and then not thinking about him. The past few days, though, i've had this sense of finality. As though i've finally come to terms with who he is and why we can't be together.

 

I finally understand what people mean when they say "I love you, but i'm not in love with you". That is exactly how I feel at this point. I love him, but i'm not in love with him.

 

When I got that message, for the first time since i've come to this realization, it actually made me think. It made me wonder why he is still says these things. Why he must let me know that he will always love me. I feel bad for him, because if that's the case... no woman will ever be able to have all of his heart like I did. But, at the same time, it makes me angry because our relationship is over. I do not want to hear that he loves me. I do not want to hear that he still thinks about me. I want him out of my life, my thoughts, my everything.

 

Out of sight, out of mind. That's how I am going about this now. I don't want to suffer because of him anymore. I've done the suffering, i've done the crying, i've done the accepting (as much as I can at this stage). I'm done. It's time to get on with my life.

 

One day, i'm sure i'll be able to look back at our relationship and the times we had together and smile. But, for now, I am going to move on and away from those times.

 

GrayClouds-

 

I do deserve better than him. I deserve a man. Not a child. Not someone who throws the word 'love' around and not prove that with actions.

 

Words are cheap. As I found out towards the end of our relationship.

 

It takes a real @$$hole to be able to look someone in the eyes, tell them that they love them, then turn around and hurt them.

 

My new favorite song is by Bon Iver called Skinny Love, and at the end of song, he sings "Who will love you? Who will fight? Who will fall far behind?" That's exactly how I feel. I feel bad for the next woman that comes along. The lies he will tell her. The pain he will cause her. Thankfully, he's not my problem anymore.

 

 

Some pople have a LOT of nerve and assume that because we were once under their thumb that we always will be and that it is somehow a priveledge to serve them.

 

I couldn't agree with you more!!!! My problem was that my ex never had anyone tell him that he was a great guy. Emphasis on was. I told him all the time how wonderful and smart he was. Little did I know, that boosting his self confidence would inevitably be the demise of our relationship. His head is so big now i'm surprised his neck hasn't snapped!!

 

He had the nerve to say "When I get out of the military in 4 years, i'm going to hunt you down and we are going to get married!"

 

 

You really think that I would marry you after everything you put me through?! Get over yourself buddy!!

 

Ugh, makes me sick to even think about.

[rickigal]

Erica, that's BS. If he loved you he'd be with you. Bottom line.

[EricaH329]

Erica, that's BS. If he loved you he'd be with you. Bottom line.

 

Exactly.

 

BTW- Lovve your sig!!

[2sunny]

"I'll always love you, remember that."

 

when someone in his position states this - it's designed to be simply manipulative and to control you.

[EricaH329]

when someone in his position states this - it's designed to be simply manipulative and to control you.

 

Just another one of his oh-so-adoring qualities that i'm going to miss so much!

[BW007]

Oh Erica, he is just being sappy. He probably does love you, but ACTIONS are the real thing. No crap, if I truly loved you, I could never blow you off, go away, screw other people etc..... You are like me I think, haunted by a past that has already gone away, but nothing better has come around for us yet. I think you need someone to fill the old role this person played. You seem either really strong and together on these forums or you second guess yourself like crazy. Let the strong side win.

[EricaH329]

Oh Erica, he is just being sappy. He probably does love you, but ACTIONS are the real thing. No crap, if I truly loved you, I could never blow you off, go away, screw other people etc..... You are like me I think, haunted by a past that has already gone away, but nothing better has come around for us yet. I think you need someone to fill the old role this person played. You seem either really strong and together on these forums or you second guess yourself like crazy. Let the strong side win.

 

The way he treated me towards the end of our relationship, I would never do to someone I love. Nor do I think anyone else would. I'm sure he has love for me, but not enough to give a damn.

 

When you mentioned that no one better has come along yet, it reminded me of a line from that movie Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, where one of the guys says "You never really get over someone until someone better comes along." I do believe this. However, at the same time, I believe that you can be happy without a SO in your life. But, that's not the same as being fully over your ex I suppose.

 

Anyway, about me second guessing myself... it's just part of the process. When i'm strong, that's me at my best. That's how I am 95% of the time. The other 5% most certainly does not define me (not saying that's what you were implying). This whole thing is still fairly new considering the amount of love I had for him, but I feel like that 5% is starting to close in.

[Calendula]

I go through cycles of thinking about him, and then not thinking about him. The past few days, though, i've had this sense of finality. As though i've finally come to terms with who he is and why we can't be together.

 

I finally understand what people mean when they say "I love you, but i'm not in love with you". That is exactly how I feel at this point. I love him, but i'm not in love with him.

 

When I got that message, for the first time since i've come to this realization, it actually made me think. It made me wonder why he is still says these things. Why he must let me know that he will always love me. I feel bad for him, because if that's the case... no woman will ever be able to have all of his heart like I did. But, at the same time, it makes me angry because our relationship is over. I do not want to hear that he loves me. I do not want to hear that he still thinks about me. I want him out of my life, my thoughts, my everything.

 

Out of sight, out of mind. That's how I am going about this now. I don't want to suffer because of him anymore. I've done the suffering, i've done the crying, i've done the accepting (as much as I can at this stage). I'm done. It's time to get on with my life.

 

One day, i'm sure i'll be able to look back at our relationship and the times we had together and smile. But, for now, I am going to move on and away from those times.

 

I can sympathize with what you are going through (I've sent you a PM). I can't help but wonder, however if the two of you ever really obtained a final sense of closure. You may have on some level by working through your feelings here on LS and in other ways, but what about him? I know you say you don't care about him any more, but perhaps his e-mails to you are an attempt (although a feeble one) on his part to find some sort of closure for himself. If he still has it in his head that he still loves you 'in that way' or that he may one day come find you and try and marry you, then he certainly hasn't moved on and will probably keep bothering you with random 'i still love you' e-mails etc. Perhaps this is a case where a final e-mail exchange would be appropriate if only for final closure, if only to get him to move on and leave you free to continue with your life in peace.

 

Just a thought.

[Calendula]

At least I think I sent you a PM... I'm not sure... I haven't sent one before so I don't know if it should show up in my sent messages folder or not. Let me know if you didn't get it and I'll send it again.

[EricaH329]

Calendula -- I've recieved your PMs and i'm about to respond.

 

But first I wanted to share something.

 

He sent me a message on myspace about an hour ago.

 

Please all, bare with me while I tell this. I feel as though writing everything out here and getting the support I need helps me to become stronger.

 

It wasn't much of a message. The subject read "um" and the content was simply "You look gorgeous in your picture. How are you doing?"

 

He has tried to contact me several times since i've begun NC (and decided to stick to it this time) and has recieved no response. I was almost certain that the previous email "I'll always love you, remember that" would be the final one. I was wrong.

 

When I begun NC, he told me that he cannot just not talk to me. That he has to have me in his life (sucks for him), so in response to Calendula... I do not believe it is for closure. I believe it is for his own selfish reasons. To make sure I still care about him and think about him.

 

Although I am not going to respond, I do admit that I looked at his myspace page. I felt like I was doing something wrong the whole time while looking at it. Like I wanted to hurry up before I got caught.

 

Anyway, a couple of things stood out to me. The first was that he has a picture of him and I kissing on his main page. I'm guessing this was a mistake since he is re-doing his page.

 

The next thing I noticed was that he is in a few pictures with a girl (it looks as though they are dating, her head was on his shoulder etc.) and I was taken back by the resemblance between her and I. We could be sisters. That makes me sick. Very sick. It's as though he is trying to replace me with someone that reminds him of me, since I am not able to physically be with him.

 

There is something about this whole thing that just does not sit well with me. Not talking about the girl, or his myspage page or anything like that. It basically comes down to the fact that at this point, I will not take him back. Not like that's an option, but that's where I stand. Therefore, these meaningless e-mails need to stop. I do not care what he is doing, or how he is doing for that matter. He knows I do not want to talk to him. If he didn't believe me when I said it, he should most definitely believe it by my actions.

 

I needed to get all of that out.

[Bulldozed]

Erica - what if you're the "dumpee", and you've literally been left with no answers as to why you were dumped (begining of Sept)...mind you just a month before my ex and I split, we set a date for her to move in before the holidays...and I planned to ask her to marry me in in a couple of weeks in Vegas for my b-day. Us being married was an afterthought to both us and our friends and family...I've taken the hit on the tickets, hotel and a ring. I suspect she may have cheated on me, though I'd like to think otherwise, since we were food friends for 15 yrs before we dated. I sent her a well wish email 3 or 4 wks ago, and basically told her, I wish her happiness, and for her to know I'll always love her. leaving with no sense of closure has been incredibly difficult for me to handle, especially considering the caliber of guy she's now with, yet still won't to admit to her closest friends she's even involved with him?

[ADF]

I get this e-mail or IM from my ex from time to time. Usually I take it as him trying to 'ease' my pain in some form.

 

I just got this e-mail from him, again. This time, though, I sat and stared at it for a few minutes. Instead of just blowing it off, I actually thought about it. (No, I didn't respond. No, i'm not going to).

 

Why would I want to remember that?? Why does he seem so adamant about making sure that I know this??

 

To be quite honest, i'd rather it if he didn't love me. At all. Ever again.

 

I don't understand. I just don't.

 

MY theory is he is just maintaining a connection in case he ever decides he needs you as a back-up **** and wants to try again. Forgive me, but why are so many smart women oblivious to how devious men can be?

[AliveAndKicking]

MY theory is he is just maintaining a connection in case he ever decides he needs you as a back-up **** and wants to try again. Forgive me, but why are so many smart women oblivious to how devious men can be?

 

I'm guessing for the same reasons so many smart men are oblivious to how devious women can be.

 

It's not a gender issue- it is a human issue.

[EricaH329]

Erica - what if you're the "dumpee", and you've literally been left with no answers as to why you were dumped (begining of Sept)...mind you just a month before my ex and I split, we set a date for her to move in before the holidays...and I planned to ask her to marry me in in a couple of weeks in Vegas for my b-day. Us being married was an afterthought to both us and our friends and family...I've taken the hit on the tickets, hotel and a ring. I suspect she may have cheated on me, though I'd like to think otherwise, since we were food friends for 15 yrs before we dated. I sent her a well wish email 3 or 4 wks ago, and basically told her, I wish her happiness, and for her to know I'll always love her. leaving with no sense of closure has been incredibly difficult for me to handle, especially considering the caliber of guy she's now with, yet still won't to admit to her closest friends she's even involved with him?

 

If you are referring to my situation, then we did have closure. We talked about our relationship from the beginning to end about a month ago, what went wrong etc. Closure is not what he is seeking.

 

I'm very sorry to hear about the situation you are in. Although (and this may sound weird) I believe that closure can be received in two ways. One is through figuring out (with the other person) what went wrong. The other (if the former is not possible) is to accept that closure cannot be given and move on. I hope that makes sense.

 

 

Forgive me, but why are so many smart women oblivious to how devious men can be?

 

If a person is good at being devious, it is extremely easy to mistake being devious for being genuine. Just like Alive said, it really does go both ways.

 

The difference in this case, is that i'm not debating whether to take action because of the e-mail I recieved. I just wanted thoughts about why he is doing it. Devious or not, it honestly doesn't make a difference.

[ADF]

I'm guessing for the same reasons so many smart men are oblivious to how devious women can be.

 

It's not a gender issue- it is a human issue.

 

Yes, yes, I know men do this, too. I sometimes forget every single statement on LS must be carefully, endlessly qualified.