Age difference has become a problem after 5 years!!!!!!

[Jersey Shortie]

When you date someone 20 years older then you, you have a higher chance of the dying way before you. I know alot of people will try to counter that and say "but I am so healthy"...even so, that person is more likely to die a good 20 years before you and leave you alone. If you have kids with this person? Again, a higher chance that he will die and leave you and your kids sooner. My Uncle left behind four small children at the time. He won't get to see any of his kids marry or his grand kids. This is what sucks about older men having kids. they don't think about this because they are just thinking about themselves and leaving behind a legacy. My uncle's kids won't get to have their father be part of their lives for most of their lives. I know people like to go on and on about how age doesn't matter but it does. And the reason I was thinking about this is because I just lost my own dad. I am an adult and self sufficent but he won't be around to see me marry or have kids or my brother. He won't be around for so much. He was a good 16 years older then my mom. We miss out and so does he. There is a much higher chance of a parent or spouse not being around when you marry or have kids with someone much older then yourself. It's all fine when your 20 and he is 40. But when your 40 and he is 60, he has already lived more then half his life and slowing down. That's biology.

 

And it sucks to be honest! I miss my dad more everyday dearly. He was alot older then most of my friends dads. I wish he was still here and love him alot. But most of my friends still have their dad because they are now in their 50s unlike my dad who was 67. It might be a morbid perspective but a completely realistic and natural one. I don't want to be a widow at 50 all on my own when we all know how men feel about 50 year old women, even 50 year old men.

Edited November 21, 2009 by Jersey Shortie

[mem11363]

Sorry for your loss. This is an excellent post and is even MORE true for an older man and younger woman. Statistics give women a 5 year edge - so all things being equal the 17 year older man predeceases his wife by 22 years.

 

That is a long time to be alone. And honestly the demographics make it hard for women to find a quality male late in life. So being alone a long time is a sad outcome for many of these women....

 

 

When you date someone 20 years older then you, you have a higher chance of the dying way before you. I know alot of people will try to counter that and say "but I am so healthy"...even so, that person is more likely to die a good 20 years before you and leave you alone. If you have kids with this person? Again, a higher chance that he will die and leave you and your kids sooner. My Uncle left behind four small children at the time. He won't get to see any of his kids marry or his grand kids. This is what sucks about older men having kids. they don't think about this because they are just thinking about themselves and leaving behind a legacy. My uncle's kids won't get to have their father be part of their lives for most of their lives. I know people like to go on and on about how age doesn't matter but it does. And the reason I was thinking about this is because I just lost my own dad. I am an adult and self sufficent but he won't be around to see me marry or have kids or my brother. He won't be around for so much. He was a good 16 years older then my mom. We miss out and so does he. There is a much higher chance of a parent or spouse not being around when you marry or have kids with someone much older then yourself. It's all fine when your 20 and he is 40. But when your 40 and he is 60, he has already lived more then half his life and slowing down. That's biology.

 

And it sucks to be honest! I miss my dad more everyday dearly. He was alot older then most of my friends dads. I wish he was still here and love him alot. But most of my friends still have their dad because they are now in their 50s unlike my dad who was 67. It might be a morbid perspective but a completely realistic and natural one. I don't want to be a widow at 50 all on my own when we all know how men feel about 50 year old women, even 50 year old men.

[justforfun]

Well that's understandable then.

 

You just see what you want to see.

[justforfun]

Well if he's let himself go and all that it's a different thing. I didn't see that in the OP.

 

Oh come on the OP has started more than one thread on this. But even giving you the benefit of the doubt, you've quoted things out of context on this thread, deliberately or not you have ascribed to the OP things that she has not said. IMO, the smart comments are not called for.

 

The fact is that this relationship is painful for both of them. The OP wants to leave but feels a tremendous amount of guilt. And is understandably scared. I think she wants to know if she has made the right decision.

[Jersey Shortie]

Yeah Clv, everyone dies. Who said they didn't ? You don't want to look at the reality. Which is that if you are a woman that marries a signifcantly older man, you have a higher chance of him dying on you and leaving you alone, possibly with children. That's the reality. Facts are everyone dies and someone at 60 DOES have a higher chance of dying then someone at 40. The older you get, the faster you age. Another fact. I know you struggle with that word.

 

Sorry for your loss. This is an excellent post and is even MORE true for an older man and younger woman. Statistics give women a 5 year edge - so all things being equal the 17 year older man predeceases his wife by 22 years.

 

That is a long time to be alone. And honestly the demographics make it hard for women to find a quality male late in life. So being alone a long time is a sad outcome for many of these women....

 

Thanks Mem. I know it's a morbid outlook and I obviously wouldn't want anyone else to have been my dad and love and respected him dearly, but my mom is now a widow at a young 50. She is always telling me never marry a man older then me, to be with someone closer to my own age. She speaks from experience. Here she is a young 50 but her life partner is gone. Because she was the young wife and he was the older man. And my dad will never get to see his grandkids. it all sucks that he isn't here anymore.

[Balthazar]

Late to the thread...but it is a pretty clear issue.

You don't want to be with this guy and don't see a future with him so just cut him loose...

 

My buddy just ditched his wife after 5 years of marriage...just told her flat out that he "wants to go out with other women"

Does it suck? Yes, but he cut things off completely.

And he was right to do so because the marriage was just not working for him(His wife is about 8 years younger by the way).

 

My belief is that this guy just doesn't do it for you sexually anymore.

Maybe it is because he is out of shape....maybe he was never very good in the sack to begin with.

 

Either way....cut him loose and let him find happiness with someone else.

 

And don't feel guilty about it....plenty more fish in the sea for you and for him....

 

CHeers,

[SecretlySad]

Wow I didn't even think my thread was still going... thanks everyone for your input, I appreciate it all.

 

Jersey Shortie I am terribly sorry for your loss. I had tears in my eyes just reading it.

 

That is one of the things I am so scared about... I don't want to be widowed early, and I don't want my children to go through that either.

 

I just don't know how I am going to tell him... we had the best time together just hanging out and I loved being with him, but I still feel the same. Each day to me feels like a waste.

 

I didn't read that there was any peer pressure from her friends to leave this man. She had been simply seeing her friends get married to men closer to their own age and she realized that is what she really wanted - a marriage relationship with a man closer to her own age. Observing her friends and being jealous of what they have that she doesn't is not peer pressure.

 

Oh gosh no, none of my friends have ever suggested I leave him! They love him, and are always telling me the ever-so-romantic "age is just a number" speal. My family adores him too... which makes this even harder again.

 

I thought this was the guy who is fat - promises every year to get in shape - she has totally lost her desire for him.

 

He has let an age gap that was a difficult hurdle to being with - turn into a physical decay gap - he has made no effort to stay young to keep up with this much younger partner.

 

It has turned into a sexless relationship - he has got to be feeling really rejected. Putting him down would be a kindness at this point.

 

And his lack a physical maintenance is a compounding factor in the grand scheme of peer perception....

 

Yes... he always makes a great start but then falls back into old habits.

 

Yesterday it was a boiling hot day, and I would have given anything for him and I to spend a day at the beach, but I knew it was out of the question - due to his embarassment about his body - so I didn't even bother suggesting. It's little things like that too, you know?

 

]The awful thing is, even if he lost weight now, I don't know how I would feel. It's like when you wait for something for so long that by the time it finally comes around you don't even know if you want it anymore.

 

my mom is now a widow at a young 50. She is always telling me never marry a man older then me, to be with someone closer to my own age. She speaks from experience. Here she is a young 50 but her life partner is gone. Because she was the young wife and he was the older man. And my dad will never get to see his grandkids. it all sucks that he isn't here anymore.

 

God... this is just bringing tears to my eyes... for your mum and admittedly for my situation too. I am so sorry, man.

Edited November 23, 2009 by SecretlySad

[Jersey Shortie]

Thanks Secrety Sad..I didn’t mean to draw attention to it to make you cry. But my father just passed away about two weeks ago and then with this thread, it made me think about how much older he was then my mom and the very real reality that if you marry someone and have kids with someone a lot of years older then you, there is a VERY realistic chance that they are going to die way before you. Now there are no guarantees in life or anything but marry a man 20 years older and there is a GOOD chance he will die 20 years before you.

[Jaytb]

Thanks Secrety Sad..I didn’t mean to draw attention to it to make you cry. But my father just passed away about two weeks ago and then with this thread, it made me think about how much older he was then my mom and the very real reality that if you marry someone and have kids with someone a lot of years older then you, there is a VERY realistic chance that they are going to die way before you. Now there are no guarantees in life or anything but marry a man 20 years older and there is a GOOD chance he will die 20 years before you.

 

Aw, I am sorry for your loss

 

I do agree with you though. 20 years age difference is just waay too much. I think 10 years age difference is about the most I think could work out.

[Jersey Shortie]

Thank you.

[SecretlySad]

Thanks again, guys.

Edited November 25, 2009 by SecretlySad

[TaraMaiden]

Answer my question, please.

And answer honestly - more for your sake and peace of mind than mine.

 

Why have you been looking at forms of contraception and their efficacy, if not for use with your husband?

 

Have you considered cheating on him?

[justforfun]

She probably has considered it. She's still very torn between leaving and staying. In that set of circumstances staying and having an affair could look like a good option.

 

When I was in her position I considered it. And yes I thought about contraception.

 

Your post comes across as very aggressive. Why so?

 

Answer my question, please.

And answer honestly - more for your sake and peace of mind than mine.

 

Why have you been looking at forms of contraception and their efficacy, if not for use with your husband?

 

Have you considered cheating on him?

 

ps that may be a question that the OP may want to ask herself but not necessarily share on the forum.

[Trimmer]

Answer my question, please.

And answer honestly - more for your sake and peace of mind than mine.

 

Why have you been looking at forms of contraception and their efficacy, if not for use with your husband?

 

Have you considered cheating on him?

 

It doesn't change how interesting the question is, or how I believe it would be wrong to cheat within a relationship, but can we clarify here: the OP refers to him as her "boyfriend," not her husband - is there some other information to the contrary?

[TaraMaiden]

My mistake.

but, my point is this:

We're all supposed to feel desperately sad for her that she's stuck in a relationship with a man so much older than she is.

But she has

in

other

threads

made it quite clear that sex between them is an issue, one she's keen to address for her benefit, but not it seems, his - and it seems she's looking to gain gratification elsewhere.

 

Call me...harsh....

I just don't feel as sorry for her as I think she'd like us to be....

[TaraMaiden]

She probably has considered it. She's still very torn between leaving and staying. In that set of circumstances staying and having an affair could look like a good option.

 

When I was in her position I considered it. And yes I thought about contraception.

 

Your post comes across as very aggressive. Why so?

 

because I have put the question to her repeatedly, and she has neatly side-stepped answering it, for what I can only presume are reasons which might prove me right.

Having an affair, for any reason, within a relationship is not the answer. particularly when you also come on here bemoaning your plight and trying to get the sympathy vote for your apparently solution-less dilemma.

I find it hypocritical that the OP is seeking solace for her plight, and at the same time, thinking of balling another guy....

 

ps that may be a question that the OP may want to ask herself but not necessarily share on the forum.

 

Well, she could pm me then.

That would be ok, then I'd probably shut up about it.

providing her reply made sense, that is...........

[justforfun]

I find it hypocritical that the OP is seeking solace for her plight, and at the same time, thinking of balling another guy....

 

We have thought police now?

[justforfun]

My mistake.

- and it seems she's looking to gain gratification elsewhere.

 

Call me...harsh....

I just don't feel as sorry for her as I think she'd like us to be....

 

HARSH.

 

I also don't see how asking about contraception means you are thinking about cheating. That's some leap.

 

Have you considered that the OP is anxious about getting pregnant WITH her partner? Which I'm assuming (oops there goes that assuming but hey ho) would not be a good thing to happen right now.

[justforfun]

 

 

 

Well, she could pm me then.

That would be ok, then I'd probably shut up about it.

providing her reply made sense, that is...........

 

Why should she? It's none of your business. You've badgered the OP on her other threads and she has ignored you, thus far, despite your accusations.

[TaraMaiden]

Yes, significant, that.

 

My point is, that I seem to see the hypocrisy and duality of her posting - but nobody else seems to.

But if someone comes on and states that they are an OW/OM, more often than not, they're torn a new one.

Can nobody else see the weirdness in this?

Can nobody else see she's trying to resort to deviousness?

or is it allowed, because her partner is so much older than she is?

 

Was he not 15 years older when she met him?

Did these issues not occur to her before now?

[TaraMaiden]

HARSH.

 

I also don't see how asking about contraception means you are thinking about cheating. That's some leap.

Have you read her threads? it doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to deduce which way her mind is working.

 

Have you considered that the OP is anxious about getting pregnant WITH her partner? Which I'm assuming (oops there goes that assuming but hey ho) would not be a good thing to happen right now.

 

Ok, so I can only assume you haven't read her threads.

having sex with her partner is something she absolutely could not stand to do, and she has no wish whatsoever to do anything physical with him ("LOL") but she's asking about contraception, diaphragms, and condoms with the pill, to be doubly sure....?

truly, does this sound like someone who wouldn't want to get pregnant by her partner - when she won't have sex with him??

[justforfun]

Have you read her threads? it doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to deduce which way her mind is working.

 

Are you serious? You can 'deduce' which way her mind is working? That's some gift...I have NASA on the line. They want to talk to you!

 

 

 

Ok, so I can only assume you haven't read her threads.

having sex with her partner is something she absolutely could not stand to do, and she has no wish whatsoever to do anything physical with him ("LOL") but she's asking about contraception, diaphragms, and condoms with the pill, to be doubly sure....?

truly, does this sound like someone who wouldn't want to get pregnant by her partner - when she won't have sex with him??

 

Yes, I have read her threads. And she IS still having sex with him. But since she wants out of the relationship one could assume that she wants to be sure that she doesn't become pregnant with him.

 

You are the only poster ranting and raving about her sleeping with someone else. And nothing in her posts say that she is.

[SecretlySad]

Yeah... those threads weren't actually FOR me, Tara, but for one of my workmates who was having some trouble with figuring it out. She has just come out of a long marriage and wants to make sure she is as safe as she can be when with a new partner. She says she is on the pill but is also so "out of touch" and doesn't even know what's on the market anymore. She was embarassed to go to the doctor and get a diaphragm fitted and ask other questions so I told her I would ask around for her. I thought someone on here might know from personal experience. I probably should have explained that, I can see how my posts may have looked... still, cheers for jumping to the conclusion that I am planning on being unfaithful though!

 

^ Believe that or don't, I couldn't give a toss. My mind is clear and I have NOTHING to feel bad about.

 

Listen here... I have NEVER and WILL never cheat on my partner or ANYONE. Sure, we are not intimate much anymore, but that doesn't give me the right to go out and f*** around. I HATE CHEATERS. HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE them. It makes me sick that one can be so weak and not be able to control themselves. I have always controlled myself all the years I have been sexually active, so why can't others do that? And what about their conscience - do they even have one??

 

SecretlySad is looking to have a fling with someone outside her relationship - and wants to make very - VERY - sure she doesn't become pregnant....

 

Read her other threads, then tell me I'm jumping to conclusions.

 

WHAT is your problem? Urging others to go and read my threads then gang up and pass judgment on me, are you for real?! Why are you doing this?

 

You think if I ask questions on here about birth control, that automatically means I am planning on cheating on my partner?

 

He's better off without her anyway.

 

Are you kidding me right now? Where did THAT come from?!

 

Justforfun I couldn't find a way to pm you on here but I wanted to say a big thanks for all the advice you have given me, and for sticking by me xx

Edited November 25, 2009 by SecretlySad

[justforfun]

My point is, that I seem to see the hypocrisy and duality of her posting - but nobody else seems to.

But if someone comes on and states that they are an OW/OM, more often than not, they're torn a new one.

Can nobody else see the weirdness in this?

Can nobody else see she's trying to resort to deviousness?

or is it allowed, because her partner is so much older than she is?

 

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

The Cold War's over now love. You can come back inside.

[justforfun]

 

Justforfun I couldn't find a way to pm you on here but I wanted to say a big thanks for all the advice you have given me, and for sticking by me xx

 

Oh, you're welcome. Keeps me out of trouble

 

I think you have to have made a certain # of posts before you have access to PM. Someone will probably be able to tell you. Mine just appeared but I can't remember when.

 

BTW, don't want to be nosy but, did the anal probe hurt when it sucked your mind out through the cavity and laid bare your thoughts to the world?