whichwayisup Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 Most of the time it's harmless..But, in this situation, KIS's fantasy is revolving around her OM...The man she's having an EA with, so this is NOT a harmless fantasy spicing up her sex life with her H. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 Are you talking about someone famous or women you acually know? Mostly women I knew. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 Any of us who thinks our SO is only thinkin of us when the nasty is goin on is pipedreaming. Link to post Share on other sites
hopeful1980 Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 Most of the time it's harmless..But, in this situation, KIS's fantasy is revolving around her OM...The man she's having an EA with, so this is NOT a harmless fantasy spicing up her sex life with her H. Oh, no I'd say that's not harmless at all. If it's someone you know, all bets are off. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 Exactly... I don't see anything wrong with the OP having fantasy about another man.. people have that all the time.. What can you do about it.. not much I'm afraid.. Actually, there is. One can divorce the fantasizer and take half their estate. BT had it done to me That's why I cautioned the OP about focusing on one person, especially a person that is known to both partners in real life. Someone mentioned an OM. IDK if that's the case but it would serve the OP to be careful if she values her M. Of course, she could share with H and bring him into the fantasy. That's always fun Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 I don't know. I don't need to actually have a threesome, but I think it's hot to think about while I'm having sex. I have absolutely no desire to bring another man/woman into our bedroom, I just like to think about it. That has no bearing on how I feel about my husband. He's a great guy and an amazing lover. He's more than enough for me and fulfills all of my sexual needs. My sexual idiosyncrasies have nothing to do with him. We are what we think. Seriously... why do you find that idea hot? It does relate to how you feel about your husband. I find it interesting that you don't. We don't just think things for no reason. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 Oh, no I'd say that's not harmless at all. If it's someone you know, all bets are off. Especially when it's her OM. Funny how you are the only person who's commented on this since I mentioned it on page one of this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
hopeful1980 Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 Especially when it's her OM. Funny how you are the only person who's commented on this since I mentioned it on page one of this thread. I hadn't read the replies, I was just commenting on the post itself. Link to post Share on other sites
NowhereToHide Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 Especially when it's her OM. Funny how you are the only person who's commented on this since I mentioned it on page one of this thread. Sorry... I think I missed this post. Of course fantasizing about an xAP or someone you know is dangerous. Completely agree. Fantasies are only 'harmless' when they aren't chipping away at one's feelings and connection to their partner. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 For people who disconnect sex from emotional bonding and intimacy, absolutely fine to routinely fantasize about others IMO. The tricky part is for those who have a difficult time delineating between sex and intimacy. The bonding chemicals of sex begin to shift the intimacy bond to the person being fantasized about, especially if such a fantasy becomes commonplace and about the same person. It shifts the brain chemistry. At that point, for such a person, it can become, in a sense, infidelity to the other 'partner', if only in the person's mind. If the OP compartmentalizes sex and has no emotional bonding with the fantasy partner, I would have no concerns. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kis Posted November 11, 2009 Author Share Posted November 11, 2009 Why do you want to stop? I don't see the big deal.. this is YOUR fantasy... nothing wrong with having fantasies.. Just curious. Dot really want to stop. Just wondered if it was normal or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey Shortie Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 It wouldn't be normal for me. I suspect it wouldn't be normal for some but for others it is. I personally would prefer to be with a man that could focus on what he had instead of what he wished he had. Who wants to be with thier man while he is htinking about how attractive and sexy another woman is but is taking out that attraction on you? To me, the end doesn't justify the means here. Kis, can you only get excited to sleep with your husband if you think of other men? Would it bother you if your husband was regularly thinking of other women? I do think something can be lacking if you bring others into the bedroom regularly. Some people are able to be happy with what they have, some aren't. Link to post Share on other sites
hopeful1980 Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 We are what we think. Seriously... why do you find that idea hot? It does relate to how you feel about your husband. I find it interesting that you don't. We don't just think things for no reason. Maybe you don't, but I do it all the time. Random thoughts pop in my head for no rhyme or reason or all. Most of the time they don't even make sense. Maybe men and women are different in this way. I have many fantasies and day dreams and random thoughts constantly running through my brain. Most of them mean absolutely nothing to me. What I think about while I'm having sex does not relate to how much I love my husband and how deeply I care for him and enjoy the act of making love to him. The bottom line for me is what I actually DO is more important than what I THINK. I am not what I think, I am what I do. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 Dot really want to stop. Just wondered if it was normal or not. You haven't commented on anything I've said on your thread, which means you are waiting for the green light for someone to tell you "Sure it's totally fine to fantasize about your OM that you're having an EA with, go for it, it'll do no damage to your marriage and what you feel for your own husband." Sorry, I ain't that person. Bottomline is, you're having an EA and while making love to your H, you're lusting and fantasizing aboutsomeone else...your OM. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 Maybe men and women are different in this way. I have many fantasies and day dreams and random thoughts constantly running through my brain. Most of them mean absolutely nothing to me. What I think about while I'm having sex does not relate to how much I love my husband and how deeply I care for him and enjoy the act of making love to him. IME, it's more about how one's brain is wired rather than gender. I could say much the same for myself, during my M. However, it was when those random thoughts and fantasies started resolving onto one particular person and augmenting emotional impulses I had for that person that the process became unhealthy and detrimental to the M. Obviously, as WWIU knows the history here (I haven't read back) and is asserting OM, whether present or ex, this is a lot more complex than random thoughts and fantasies, just like it was for me. It became a psychological minefield that was exceedingly difficult to resolve and ultimately became my contribution to the decline and death of our M. I wouldn't want that to happen to the OP or, at least, she be fully aware that it could happen. Link to post Share on other sites
hopeful1980 Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 IME, it's more about how one's brain is wired rather than gender. I could say much the same for myself, during my M. However, it was when those random thoughts and fantasies started resolving onto one particular person and augmenting emotional impulses I had for that person that the process became unhealthy and detrimental to the M. Obviously, as WWIU knows the history here (I haven't read back) and is asserting OM, whether present or ex, this is a lot more complex than random thoughts and fantasies, just like it was for me. It became a psychological minefield that was exceedingly difficult to resolve and ultimately became my contribution to the decline and death of our M. I wouldn't want that to happen to the OP or, at least, she be fully aware that it could happen. There's no doubt that concentrating on one particular person whom you know AND have had a relationship with is detrimental to a marriage. I'm not even arguing that fact. I am however impling that fantasies in and of themselves are not harmful to a marriage and often times do not signify how one spouse feels about the other. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 Right, and I agree. The OP can correct me, but my understanding is her circumstance, even though she asked in generality, is not what we're agreeing upon, so our assertions would necessarily would be inapplicable. The exception might be, if as generally asserted by Lizzie in such threads, that, if H is never made aware of any such thoughts or actions, even wrt an OM, no harm would result to the M. I would debate the psychology of that assertion, but that's based on being a perhaps more enlightened man. I had my instincts during our M, and any revelations by my stbx would not surprise me. Little in life does. So, the OP's circumstance and M might also turn on the psychology of her H. Lots of variables Link to post Share on other sites
16thstreet Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 Dot really want to stop. Just wondered if it was normal or not. Really understand the question! Clearly some people here think it's normal and some people do not think that it is normal. I think you just have to determine if it's normal for you and if you're okay with it. If you are having feelings of guilt or desires to act on the fantasy, then that's something to think about but nothing you've said makes it seem like that's the case. I can share that I often have strange fantasies when my partner are f*ing rather than making love and that I feel completely normal about that. Mine are always about random people I imagine but do not know and involve me being in various situations, on various continents, at various ages and in various eras, even various genders. They're pretty strange sometimes but I like them and have fun. I used to worry more about them and also wonder if it was normal and so I kind of tried an exercise where I made sure I was mentally focusing on my partner when we were having very intimate times (rather than a quick toss) to make sure that it wasn't that I was unable to enjoy connecting to him one hunderd percent and in every way and that I loved it...after that I just let myself have fun and not worry too much about it. I am also fine with him having similar thoughts when things are more lusty or not having them ever if he doesn't, but haven't asked him about it because it doesn't really matter to me. When we're making love we're there both and if I felt that we weren't then I'd raise some questions for myself or him. I totally disagree with the person that said that we are what we think in this regard and agree that a fantasy is just a fantasy where there is no intimacy in it. Are there boundaries? Of course. What are they? That's probably particular to each individual and relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts