Dilemma

[A O]

She's said she's not interested in saving it at all. I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting to stay in a relationship you're not happy in. I don't personally think there's anything more decent about trying to guilt your partner into "fixing the relationship". Once someone has cheated, the relationship is already broken.

Right, I see, I can't believe that all this time you were advocating therapy for the OP while remaining within the relationship. I can't believe that. It's like telling an abusive person to stay within a relationship until they sort themselves out. Nevermind the damage that person could potentially cause to anyone else within that relationship. Don't mind them, they simply don't matter, lets all just focus on the abuser. That, is what you're advocating in a nutshell. That is shocking.

 

I'm much more disgusted with people who sit and talk about how much of a mistake their cheating was and how badly they want to take it back and work things out with their partner. That's a bigger load of selfish BS.

Funnily enough, I'm far more inclined to believe this line of reasoning than what the OP has presented so far.

 

What difference does it make if she tells her husband today or next Wed?

Using your logic, what difference does it make not to?

 

So waiting until after talking to someone makes her the scum of the earth but somehow if she walked up and told her H right now, she'd be a wonderful person whom you'd happily support?

I call her selfish. You wanna call her names, go right ahead, myself, not interested. If/when she tells her husband, then finally, she's done the decent thing. Now she can do whatever she pleases (which hopefully involves getting therapy), I don't care. I only care that her husband knows the truth and is free to do whatever he pleases based on that.

 

.

[crazy_grl]

Right, I see, I can't believe that all this time you were advocating therapy for the OP while remaining within the relationship. I can't believe that.

 

I think she should have at least one rational discussion about it first. I also said she she stop seeing the OM. After talking to someone, she may realize that what she thinks she wants isn't what she thought beforehand. Maybe she'll realize she does want to stay married. Maybe not.

 

I think it will be a lot easier for the husband to handle this information if sky is clear headed about it.

 

It's like telling an abusive person to stay within a relationship until they sort themselves out. Nevermind the damage that person could potentially cause to anyone else within that relationship. Don't mind them, they simply don't matter, lets all just focus on the abuser. That, is what you're advocating in a nutshell. That is shocking.

 

Those are not the same thing at all. A person isn't going to die because their partner didn't tell them they cheated on them. They very well could from an abusive partner. Yes, the emotional pain of having a cheating spouse is hard, but the physical and emotional pain of being abused is more damaging. And isn't the hardest part of being cheated on finding out about it? Why not take the time to think about what you're going to say and how you want to proceed before you tell your partner to try to make it easiest on them.

 

Also, when's the last time you saw an abuser asking for help or even admitting they've done something wrong?

 

Funnily enough, I'm far more inclined to believe this line of reasoning than what the OP has presented so far.

 

Then this is where you and I differ greatly, because I think those people are completely full of sh*t.

 

Using your logic, what difference does it make not to?

 

That's not the same logic at all. That's like saying it doesn't make a difference if you ever eat because it doesn't matter whether you eat at 5pm or 6pm.

 

I call her selfish. You wanna call her names, go right ahead, myself, not interested.

 

People have called her names on here. You may not be one of them, but when a bunch of people are name calling, it's hard to separate out the ones who are from the ones who aren't when they have the same judgemental tone.

 

I just skimmed your posts, and you haven't called names, but you have been belittling.

Edited November 12, 2009 by crazy_grl

[A O]

I think she should have at least one rational discussion about it first.

You forget, or simply dismiss the fact that this is not what she's here for in the first place.

 

I think it will be a lot easier for the husband to handle this information if sky is clear headed about it.

The OP is perfectly clear-headed....she wants to know how to get her lover to express his feelings for her. That is what she's here for (read the OP please) All the rest of this is unnecessary garbage designed to muddy the waters. This is a simple problem that requires simple answers

 

Those are not the same thing at all.

They're exactly the same.

 

A person isn't going to die because their partner didn't tell them they cheated on them. They very well could from an abusive partner.

Think emotional abuse, not physical. Cheating doesn't involve just getting it on with another person, it also involves a withdrawal of many facets of that person from their core relationship, be it, sex, intimacy, their company, their attention. All this, especially after a long period of time as we're talking about here, slowly leaves the core relationship leaving the other partner feeling undesired, neglected, alone. That is emotional abuse and you're advocating it.

 

Oh, and why don't I also talk about the snappy nature that cheaters inherit once they choose this path, especially, again, when it happens over a long period of time. You know, when a partner becomes suspicious and airs these views, only to be shot down in flames by a highly-defensive cheating partner. Does it all sound familiar folks. Need I talk about the contempt that long-term cheaters show towards their partners too.

 

Isn't this just lovely, wouldn't the other half just feel totally loved and nourished when faced with all these very sweet, and very, very real options. How emotionally healthy would they feel when constantly faced with all this. Oh, again, and lets not forget what would happen when they find out, or heaven forbid, they find out themselves.

 

And you crazy_grl and people of your ilk....you bend over backwards to protect people who do all this to the people they supposedly love, and you bend over backwards to keep them in this situation, in the relationship.

 

You my girl, you're an incredibly dangerous beast as are people of your ilk.

 

.

[harmfulsweetz]

People are helping her. She only thanks the ones that aren't entirely straight with her. Which to me is stupid. Why post on a forum and only take the answers in which you want to hear? Or read. If you don't like what others will say, don't open yourself up to it. Hardly rocket science is it? She started a thread, asking for advice, she got it, and she leaves the good advice and takes the crappy, kiss my a$$ advice. Jeez.

 

The best advice I can give? Own up, let him divorce you, move on. You don't love him, blah blah. I'd love to see how she would react if the roles were reversed though. Losing someone isn't a get out of jail free card to treat people like crap. He may be no angel, but heck, what does that make her? If she's so unhappy, why is she still there? She didn't come here for good advice, she came for validation-which you, crazy girl are giving her. Well done you.

 

And she should tell OMW too, she's betraying her as well. But she won't. We all know she won't.

[Lish]

Holy, hell. Seriously, you people jump all over her because she is thinking of the OM and then you jump all over her for NOT thinking of him.

 

I've seen very little advice on this thread and lots of lashing out. You can voice your disapproval of someone's actions (which I have) and still treat them with basic respect. She's not cheating on any of YOU. If someone wants to tell her she's a worthless pile of crap with no sole and all that BS, it's up to her husband.

 

I personally think it's going to cause more heartache for the husband if sky doesn't work out how she feels about everything before telling him. What if he doesn't think she's the worst person in the world and wants to work things out? I think it's best to think clearly about the situation and assess what to do before announcing anything to the H to avoid situations such as giving him false hope, which could cause him more pain.

 

 

Nah. I'm saying that her not caring in general is exactly the reason she is in this mess. It really is as simple as that.

Basic respect? Don't you DARE accuse me of having no respect. The woman you're going out of your way to defend has betrayed her marriage vows and doesn't even have enough respect in her to own up to the fact she can't keep her legs shut. So, after condoning her actions, don't even bother trying to talk to me about basic respect.

 

When are you going to realise CRAZY_grl, that this woman has come on this forum for one reason & one reason alone: to get acceptance and approval for what she has done. She doesn't like tough love and she doesn't like hearing the truth, and the reason she's replying to you is because you're condoning her actions and telling her what she wants to hear (ie. a cop out which makes her feel like she has a very good reason to continue lying and buy more time for herself).

 

Point is, you're encouraging her to continue lying. You are also encouraging her to think of her own feelings FIRST and really, after all she has done, she has absolutely no right to put herself first.

[seibert253]

Nah. I'm saying that her not caring in general is exactly the reason she is in this mess. It really is as simple as that.

Basic respect? Don't you DARE accuse me of having no respect. The woman you're going out of your way to defend has betrayed her marriage vows and doesn't even have enough respect in her to own up to the fact she can't keep her legs shut. So, after condoning her actions, don't even bother trying to talk to me about basic respect.

 

When are you going to realise CRAZY_grl, that this woman has come on this forum for one reason & one reason alone: to get acceptance and approval for what she has done. She doesn't like tough love and she doesn't like hearing the truth, and the reason she's replying to you is because you're condoning her actions and telling her what she wants to hear (ie. a cop out which makes her feel like she has a very good reason to continue lying and buy more time for herself).

 

Point is, you're encouraging her to continue lying. You are also encouraging her to think of her own feelings FIRST and really, after all she has done, she has absolutely no right to put herself first.

 

Well said my lady!

[road]

itswd

 

"For the record, I feel that although I do love my husband, which in our history and length I will never get rid of that feeling, however I am not "in love" with him, which makes a world of difference. I do know that what I am doing is wrong,"

 

You can never love two husbands. This is why you need to get rid of the OM.

 

You are giving and receiving things with the OM. You are allowing the OM to make deposits into your love bank.

 

These things should be exclusive for yor BH. You will never regain feelings for your BH because you use the OM in this manner.

 

This is why a WW must go NC with the OM. Block emails, change phone no's, can't work at the same firm, can't live next door/close to the OM.

[harmfulsweetz]

Nah. I'm saying that her not caring in general is exactly the reason she is in this mess. It really is as simple as that.

Basic respect? Don't you DARE accuse me of having no respect. The woman you're going out of your way to defend has betrayed her marriage vows and doesn't even have enough respect in her to own up to the fact she can't keep her legs shut. So, after condoning her actions, don't even bother trying to talk to me about basic respect.

 

When are you going to realise CRAZY_grl, that this woman has come on this forum for one reason & one reason alone: to get acceptance and approval for what she has done. She doesn't like tough love and she doesn't like hearing the truth, and the reason she's replying to you is because you're condoning her actions and telling her what she wants to hear (ie. a cop out which makes her feel like she has a very good reason to continue lying and buy more time for herself).

 

Point is, you're encouraging her to continue lying. You are also encouraging her to think of her own feelings FIRST and really, after all she has done, she has absolutely no right to put herself first.

 

 

Agreed. The more Crazy Girl posts her validations, the more OP will feel justified in lying. She has no respect for her H, or OMW. No respect for her marriage vows. She may as well tell him now, and let him make the decision to divorce her cheating a$$.

[harmfulsweetz]

No they aren't going to die. But they are wasting their time with someone,aren't they? You only get one life, and the more time H spends with OP, the more time she is allowing him to waste. Sorry. But that is true. Isn't cheating a form of emotional abuse though? it's certainly betrayal. If she hasn't the respect to tell him, then I hope OM does.

[crazy_grl]

You all are right. Treating someone with decency is no way to get them to change their ways and listen to what you have to say. We should treat people like they're the scum of the earth, tell them they're pathetic and shouldn't have "opened their legs" and scream as many vulgar terms as we can think of at them. That'll help them see the light of day. Anything less is encouraging them to continue what they're doing.

 

And it doesn't matter that the woman already has has already started to change her focus since her first post (even before any of the bashing). We should just keep judging people on the very first thing they say when they post here.

 

How stupid I feel for telling someone to get professional help with their problems instead of listening only to a screaming mob. I'm glad I have you geniuses around to show me the light.

 

(See, I'm already being condescending and rude. Doesn't that make me so much more convincing now?)

 

This thread is now a complete waste of time.

[A O]

How stupid I feel for telling someone to get professional help with their problems

There's nothing stupid about this, nothing stupid at all, but the timing is what I totally disagree with.

 

.

[Devil Inside]

Wow! This has been very very interesting to read. Folks I hear what you all are saying...really. The tone and delivery however...yikes.

 

Anyways..OP...look. You know that you do have to take responsiblity for what has transpired right? You need to be honest to yourself and to your husband. I am assuming that there is a strong sense of guilt and fear that has kept you from leaving him, some might be wrapped up in the trauma of caring for and losing a sick child. However, the solution of having an affair with his friend has only compounded the situation.

 

In this case the truth will set you free. Work with your therapist on what is blocking you from being honest with yourself that this marriage is over, and what is blocking you from ending this affair.

 

Good luck...you have a long road ahead.

[A O]

Wow! This has been very very interesting to read. Folks I hear what you all are saying...really. The tone and delivery however...yikes.

You can never get the delivery right with those who seek only validation of their behavior. On other boards, the OP wouldn't have lasted a page.

 

Anyways..OP...look. You know that you do have to take responsiblity for what has transpired right? You need to be honest to yourself and to your husband.

You picked it right in your first response DI. Since then she's paid nothing but lip service to everything else. You knew what she was here for - I'm surprised you're still playing her game.

 

.

[intheskywithdiamonds]

Wow! This has been very very interesting to read. Folks I hear what you all are saying...really. The tone and delivery however...yikes.

 

Anyways..OP...look. You know that you do have to take responsiblity for what has transpired right? You need to be honest to yourself and to your husband. I am assuming that there is a strong sense of guilt and fear that has kept you from leaving him, some might be wrapped up in the trauma of caring for and losing a sick child. However, the solution of having an affair with his friend has only compounded the situation.

 

In this case the truth will set you free. Work with your therapist on what is blocking you from being honest with yourself that this marriage is over, and what is blocking you from ending this affair.

 

Good luck...you have a long road ahead.

 

Yes I do, I really really do. I know i have to take responsibility and i certainly intend on it, regardless what some posts may say. All I keep hearing is the same blah blah blah from them, while at the same time I have been taking your advice the entire time. I guess because you understand where I was coming from andwe shared very similar paths. I am seeing a therapist this sat and will be reviewing the last 11 years, to hopefully get this resolved as painless as possible for all parties involved. I believe the only thing that WAS holding us together was our daughter, and the circumstances surrounding it. But that is not something either of us should allow to be the base of our relationship. As much as some ppl here think that I should just tell my husband as soon as he walks in the door from work, I have decided to get some insight from the therapist as to when where how to do this. Its not like im a pro no matter what ppl seem to think. I will hurt him, I do realize this but I need to make sure he is dealt this pain in the tinyest amount possible, if that makes any sense. I feel that just dropping the bomb on the first opportunity I get is not smart, but that I should create a more softer surface for him to fall upon. If its even possible. regardless also about what others seem to think, i have decided to seclude myself from the OM as well. I do not think I will be able to clearly and properly get through this mess with him in my head as another worry. The BF is just going to have to come last. I have not decided anything with her, and frankly am not worried at this point. I cannot stress myself with too many ppl, even though I am the focus of it. No matter what is judged on here, I am not the only person in the wrong. No one seems to think that the OM has any fault in this, and I truely think he does as much as me. I will get back to you at a later time after saturday and thank you for being civil and helpful. I however, will not be responding to anyone besides you from this point foward, even to those who have helped.

[harmfulsweetz]

Intheskywithdiamonds-like the name btw. pretty image.

 

You know what you have to do (I am going to be nice here) each post from you says you don't love him like that, and that it was a marriage of necessity if nothing else, there's your answer right there. No amount of counselling will change that. I'm not suggesting you don't get counselling, only that I believe it should be focused around your grief, and perhaps to help you understand you more. I think divorcing your H is the only thing you have to do. You need to do it for both of you. You are more concerned with what OM feels and thinks, than your H. What is that already telling you? It's telling me your heart isn't where it should be, and that you should leave. Sort your head out by yourself, grow a bit, then think on a relationship. Probably not with OM. You need to come clean.

[Devil Inside]

You can never get the delivery right with those who seek only validation of their behavior. On other boards, the OP wouldn't have lasted a page.

 

You picked it right in your first response DI. Since then she's paid nothing but lip service to everything else. You knew what she was here for - I'm surprised you're still playing her game.

 

.

 

I think that people need a balance. They need your directness and truth...and they need the softer delivery and clinical insight that I bring. It is the beauty that a place like this brings. Like I said, I do not disagree with where you are coming from...but as a person that makes a living from helping people change I have found that some people are not in place to hear what needs to be heard in such a direct manner. Her defensive replies to many posters here is direct evidence that she feels attacked, and that has to do with where she is at with her emotional state as much as the tone of the posts.

 

As for me playing a game. Well I guess I don't see it that way. I see this as a woman that has made some really grave mistakes, mistakes that will be hurtful to many people and she really needs support in doing what she needs to do to make things right. Yes she has acted selfishly. Yes she has betrayed her H and best friend. However, I do believe she is here for help. I may be naive, but I do tend to believe that somewhere inside we all want to do what's right.

 

Anyways, thanks for responding to me in a respectful manner. For what it's worth I find that you have many great insights into relationship dynamics and personal responsibility. I'm sure one day I will learn more about your story.

[Devil Inside]

Yes I do, I really really do. I know i have to take responsibility and i certainly intend on it, regardless what some posts may say. All I keep hearing is the same blah blah blah from them, while at the same time I have been taking your advice the entire time. I guess because you understand where I was coming from andwe shared very similar paths. I am seeing a therapist this sat and will be reviewing the last 11 years, to hopefully get this resolved as painless as possible for all parties involved. I believe the only thing that WAS holding us together was our daughter, and the circumstances surrounding it. But that is not something either of us should allow to be the base of our relationship. As much as some ppl here think that I should just tell my husband as soon as he walks in the door from work, I have decided to get some insight from the therapist as to when where how to do this. Its not like im a pro no matter what ppl seem to think. I will hurt him, I do realize this but I need to make sure he is dealt this pain in the tinyest amount possible, if that makes any sense. I feel that just dropping the bomb on the first opportunity I get is not smart, but that I should create a more softer surface for him to fall upon. If its even possible. regardless also about what others seem to think, i have decided to seclude myself from the OM as well. I do not think I will be able to clearly and properly get through this mess with him in my head as another worry. The BF is just going to have to come last. I have not decided anything with her, and frankly am not worried at this point. I cannot stress myself with too many ppl, even though I am the focus of it. No matter what is judged on here, I am not the only person in the wrong. No one seems to think that the OM has any fault in this, and I truely think he does as much as me. I will get back to you at a later time after saturday and thank you for being civil and helpful. I however, will not be responding to anyone besides you from this point foward, even to those who have helped.

 

 

I know you know. I think that going to this new therapist will be a good idea. I do want to caution you, however, do not allow your search for the least painful method of disclosure paralyze you in telling your H about what is going on. Make sure that this is a goal of yours. I do agree that it will go much better with the guidance of a therapist. You are going to need the support because this is going to be difficult and will trigger some of your loss issues, you need to be prepared for that.

 

Things are going to get worse before they get better. You hang in there. I am glad that you have found some sense and direction in my words. I know it is difficult to bare your soul on these boards, trust me, I have done the same, and gotten blasted. Some day, when you are feeling stronger, I would say that you should go back and read what others have written. There has been some good advice given here.

 

Good luck. I will be anticipating your update from your first therapy session.

[A O]

I think that people need a balance. They need your directness and truth...and they need the softer delivery and clinical insight that I bring.

I'm all for balance, either softly, softly or simple and direct, but first I assess which approach is appropriate. And that approach depends on the weight of evidence I see before me. It should not be an automatic one way or another which appears to be the case here (for some).

 

Like I said, I do not disagree with where you are coming from...but as a person that makes a living from helping people change I have found that some people are not in place to hear what needs to be heard in such a direct manner.

Under the right circumstances, I wouldn't disagree with your approach either. But again, I look for evidence that a person actually wants to change. This what not the case her.

 

Her defensive replies to many posters here is direct evidence that she feels attacked, and that has to do with where she is at with her emotional state as much as the tone of the posts.

You are right, it is all about her state of mind. But again, her state of mind needs assessing, not assuming. Weight of evidence is what should be assessed, not people's preconceived ideas that may or may not have very little to do with the circumstance at hand.

 

Bottom line is though, and this is played out ad nauseum everywhere, is that many people feel attacked when they receive advice that they don't want to hear. Many posters are only ever interested in validation of their views. Working out who actually wants help and who simply wants validation is something that everyone needs to understand.

 

As for me playing a game. Well I guess I don't see it that way. I see this as a woman that has made some really grave mistakes, mistakes that will be hurtful to many people and she really needs support in doing what she needs to do to make things right.

The game is essentially telling people like yourself, as well meaning as I believe you (and the others) are, everything that you want to hear. That's the game.

 

Yes she has acted selfishly. Yes she has betrayed her H and best friend. However, I do believe she is here for help. I may be naive, but I do tend to believe that somewhere inside we all want to do what's right.

Of course she's here for help, she wanted to get inside her lover's head - that's the help she wanted. Now, if you look at her last post, that is the sort of post she should have opened with, that's a post of a person looking for the right type of help. Now though, now I have a feeling that, that is all lip service, nothing but an excuse to not tell her husband.

 

Anyways, thanks for responding to me in a respectful manner. For what it's worth I find that you have many great insights into relationship dynamics and personal responsibility. I'm sure one day I will learn more about your story.

Thank you, I appreciate it. I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum than you this time around, hopefully, it won't always be that way.

 

.

[Lish]

Yes I do, I really really do. I know i have to take responsibility and i certainly intend on it, regardless what some posts may say. All I keep hearing is the same blah blah blah from them, while at the same time I have been taking your advice the entire time. I guess because you understand where I was coming from andwe shared very similar paths. I am seeing a therapist this sat and will be reviewing the last 11 years, to hopefully get this resolved as painless as possible for all parties involved. I believe the only thing that WAS holding us together was our daughter, and the circumstances surrounding it. But that is not something either of us should allow to be the base of our relationship. As much as some ppl here think that I should just tell my husband as soon as he walks in the door from work, I have decided to get some insight from the therapist as to when where how to do this. Its not like im a pro no matter what ppl seem to think. I will hurt him, I do realize this but I need to make sure he is dealt this pain in the tinyest amount possible, if that makes any sense. I feel that just dropping the bomb on the first opportunity I get is not smart, but that I should create a more softer surface for him to fall upon. If its even possible. regardless also about what others seem to think, i have decided to seclude myself from the OM as well. I do not think I will be able to clearly and properly get through this mess with him in my head as another worry. The BF is just going to have to come last. I have not decided anything with her, and frankly am not worried at this point. I cannot stress myself with too many ppl, even though I am the focus of it. No matter what is judged on here, I am not the only person in the wrong. No one seems to think that the OM has any fault in this, and I truely think he does as much as me. I will get back to you at a later time after saturday and thank you for being civil and helpful. I however, will not be responding to anyone besides you from this point foward, even to those who have helped.

 

I honestly didn't think you could get any worse. This just shows you in your true light. You are nothing but a disrespectful, selfish & ungrateful user. As soon as someone isn't good enough to satisfy your selfish needs, you drop them like they're nothing.

Examples?

- Husband: can't satisfy your sexual needs. You sleep with his friend.

- OM: You're not getting your own way, so that's him gone, too.

- Crazy_grl: this girl has done nothing but defend you and now that you've found your new little buddy, her help isn't even worthy of your reply.

Do you need a therapist? Yes.

Is it for the reasons you think? No.

Why do you need a therapist? You need one to get to the bottom of why you're a liar and a cheat, NOT to 'get yourself in the right position' to tell your husband why you slept with his friend.

 

I honestly cannot be bothered with you anymore and this will be my last contribution to this thread.

Bye. =]

[intheskywithdiamonds]

I know you know. I think that going to this new therapist will be a good idea. I do want to caution you, however, do not allow your search for the least painful method of disclosure paralyze you in telling your H about what is going on. Make sure that this is a goal of yours. I do agree that it will go much better with the guidance of a therapist. You are going to need the support because this is going to be difficult and will trigger some of your loss issues, you need to be prepared for that.

 

Things are going to get worse before they get better. You hang in there. I am glad that you have found some sense and direction in my words. I know it is difficult to bare your soul on these boards, trust me, I have done the same, and gotten blasted. Some day, when you are feeling stronger, I would say that you should go back and read what others have written. There has been some good advice given here.

 

Good luck. I will be anticipating your update from your first therapy session.

 

Got a call this morning from the therapist office wanting to know if I wanted to take an opening this afternoon from a cancellation, so I did. I however do not want to disclose my entire appointment on here unless ultimately necessary so if there is another way we can talk please let me know.

[Devil Inside]

Got a call this morning from the therapist office wanting to know if I wanted to take an opening this afternoon from a cancellation, so I did. I however do not want to disclose my entire appointment on here unless ultimately necessary so if there is another way we can talk please let me know.

 

Good for you for being proactive in seeking therapy.

 

I get you wanting to protect your information, but you don't have PM capabilities yet, so I would say just write what you feel comfortbale writing. If not I get it.

 

Good luck either way.

[intheskywithdiamonds]

Good for you for being proactive in seeking therapy.

 

I get you wanting to protect your information, but you don't have PM capabilities yet, so I would say just write what you feel comfortbale writing. If not I get it.

 

Good luck either way.

 

 

Well it wasnt a matter of feeling comfortable, it was giving fuel to the fire I was concerned with. So oh well. Ok from the beginning, the therapist ran down my entire life, basically. Then went detail after detail into my marriage, all the way to interests that we share and disagree on. He has suggested that my marriage, yes looks to be over, and has been since my daughter died (from his eyes). He noted that we got married cause of a baby and with her health in mind, was the best thing for us to do. However, when she died, he claims should have been when we divorced. He stated that we have been in a "marriage of friendship" this entire time with "perks". I see where he came from with this too. We really didnt touch much on the issue of telling my H, except that I should expect the worst, which I already will be doing. He said the same thing you did, about this getting worse before it gets better. I was also cautioned with the reality of a massive fight ensuing between the two guys. Which has a new concern since we own over 20 firearms between us. I expressed this to the therapist and he suggested I contact my local PD which he then found out that I was an officer with my local, explain the situation and arrange for some assistance. The last thing I want is my H doing something stupid out of impulse, not to me cause I feel he wont but to the OM. I need to make sure all 3 of us are protected when this comes out. I have spoken to my captain directly after my session ended and he will be assisting to make sure that there is no harm, at least physical. I also had to come to reality with the fact that I may lose my LE credentials over this. But thats the least of my problems right now. The therapist has scheduled me for tuesday. He says that I need to open up about my daughter more, which I dont want to do now, and that he believes that is some of the reason for what has happened. He thinks that I felt in need of a normalized environment and was seeking it elsewhere. He also attempted to push blame on my childhood with it being rough. But I dont feel my childhood was any cause of this happening. It was unstable but I would have been a messed up kid too if it was at fault.

[Devil Inside]

Well it wasnt a matter of feeling comfortable, it was giving fuel to the fire I was concerned with. So oh well. Ok from the beginning, the therapist ran down my entire life, basically. Then went detail after detail into my marriage, all the way to interests that we share and disagree on. He has suggested that my marriage, yes looks to be over, and has been since my daughter died (from his eyes). He noted that we got married cause of a baby and with her health in mind, was the best thing for us to do. However, when she died, he claims should have been when we divorced. He stated that we have been in a "marriage of friendship" this entire time with "perks". I see where he came from with this too. We really didnt touch much on the issue of telling my H, except that I should expect the worst, which I already will be doing. He said the same thing you did, about this getting worse before it gets better. I was also cautioned with the reality of a massive fight ensuing between the two guys. Which has a new concern since we own over 20 firearms between us. I expressed this to the therapist and he suggested I contact my local PD which he then found out that I was an officer with my local, explain the situation and arrange for some assistance. The last thing I want is my H doing something stupid out of impulse, not to me cause I feel he wont but to the OM. I need to make sure all 3 of us are protected when this comes out. I have spoken to my captain directly after my session ended and he will be assisting to make sure that there is no harm, at least physical. I also had to come to reality with the fact that I may lose my LE credentials over this. But thats the least of my problems right now. The therapist has scheduled me for tuesday. He says that I need to open up about my daughter more, which I dont want to do now, and that he believes that is some of the reason for what has happened. He thinks that I felt in need of a normalized environment and was seeking it elsewhere. He also attempted to push blame on my childhood with it being rough. But I dont feel my childhood was any cause of this happening. It was unstable but I would have been a messed up kid too if it was at fault.

 

 

Wow that is a lot. Make sure that you are safe.

 

As for the theories that your therapist has, I think they may have some merit, however, it may be a little too soon for you to go there after just one session. Part of building a rapport with a new therapist is to teach them where your limits and boundaries are. That said, many relationship issues have their roots in childhood. I know many of the character flaws I have, and that played out in my affair, come from my childhood.

[intheskywithdiamonds]

Wow that is a lot. Make sure that you are safe.

 

As for the theories that your therapist has, I think they may have some merit, however, it may be a little too soon for you to go there after just one session. Part of building a rapport with a new therapist is to teach them where your limits and boundaries are. That said, many relationship issues have their roots in childhood. I know many of the character flaws I have, and that played out in my affair, come from my childhood.

 

 

See I thought he was pushing issues fast too, this just being from my previous experience with therapists. When my H and I were going, it took about a month for us to get a full picture, and this guy did it all in 90 minutes, well almost all of it. I think I need to tell him to not cut focus on these issues.