My story...

[jackbaron]

Reading through here it looks to be a reasonably common one, and Ive certainly made a lot of common mistakes in how Ive delt with the last 4 months. Heres the readers digest condensed version.

 

Married for 15 years to the most beutiful woman inside and out Ive ever met (I know everyon thinks that about their love, but she REALLY is, everyone who meets her thinks the same). We have 4 beautiful girls between 4 and 14 years old. We get on great, enjoy the same things, have similar views on most things and really have had a great marriage. I am a good husband, a great father, very handy, I cook , I clean, I can do anything around the house, Im generous and kind and I adore her.

 

She has had a good life but has had a number of dramas including a mother that she feels rejected by, she lost her only brother in an accident 6 years ago, and very intense work dramas. This year she decided to move jobs from a full time position to a part time job to enable her to try new things. One of these was working at a local pub. I was OK with this because it was what she wanted to do, and we were going fine (despite me not thinking it was appropriate for a respected mother of 4 and school teacher to be pouring beers for a bunch of drunks)

 

She started to drift away from me emotionally about 5 months ago, and in hindsight I was wrapped up in a project at the time and probably wasnt giving her the attention she deserved. In the 30th of June she returned from a weekend away riding motorcycles with a bunch of new friends from the pub scene - mostly guys but most older, with wives and girlsfriends that tag along. There is one guy that I would have concerns about though, although he does have a girlfriend (and a bad reputation). She had a great time and I made a comment about her seeming to only enjoy her time away from home lately. She said she needed to talk that night and told me se wasnt happy, she was confused and didt feel like she could be the person she wanted to be at home. Said she wanted some space to work out what she wants, and wanted to move next door to a house her mum and dad own. I said OK., not really understanding what was going on (and shocked)

 

She lived there for 3 week, before I convinced her to come home. I was pathetic at times during this period, but was falling apart everytime she went to work at this pub or spend time with these new friends. When she moved back we held each other without letting go all night for 4 nights before she started to put the wall back up. Lots of incidents and ups and downs in the mean time until about 6 weeks ago when I thought things were starting to really come good. About 4 weeks ago I just wasnt feeling right about us again, getting the wall and mixed signals and asked her if we were getting back on track. No - still very confused, love you, always will, but Ive fallen out of love with you etc etc.

 

3 weeks ago after another week of churning guts everytime I was coming home expecting to see her bags packed, I confronted her and after a warm discussion I decided to move out to "shake er up a bit". Bad move, shes a stubborn wench and that was never going to work. It killed me being away fromt he kids so I came back after 2 days and a bit of a breakdown. The next night she asked to talk and said she was moving out to a friends house (a good friend to both of us). I changed my tack but this stage and have decided to be agreeable and give her the freedom she thinks she needs. No talk except small talk. Be happy and friendly, no I love yous or begging hr to come back etc. She will wake up at 6 in the morning, go to the gym, be here by 7 to help get the kids ready for school, then come back in the afternoon, and leave when the kids are (settled), usually before dinner.

 

Last weekend she was on a weekend motorcycle ride with her new friends on a large charity event and was in a reasonably serious accident. Not her fault, airlifted via helicopter, some bad injuries to her foot, but nothing life threatening fortunately. I had to drive 5 hours to pick her up and bring her back to a local hospital. Only a turned cheek when I went to kiss her - so obviously this changes nothing. Shes been in the local hospital the last 2 days, I go and see her evertime I can. She seems to b OK with me being there (of course I take the kids along to). But again we are getting on fine and the conversation flows and is pleasant. I dont know how to approach this new situation. The girls need their mum, and she is an awesome mum. Im not sure what she is planning to do when she gets out of hospital, come home the recuperate or go back to her friends house. She wont be able to drive, will be on crutches for months. Life will be difficult for her and our friend is in no place to look after her. Should I insist she comes home? Hopefuly she will see herself it i the only workable solution. How should I interact with her now - shell be in hospital for about 3 weeks - I was working on the LC contact thing but with the situation as it is and was its not possible with her, she was coming in every morning, making breakfast etc and now she has to see the kids, and I want to help her every way I can. Its a weird situtation.....

 

what to do.......?

[hopesndreams]

She's the one checking out, let her come up with ideas on how to see the kids. 3 weeks in the hospital gives her plenty of time to think and to be put in one place but am curious to know who her special visitor is, aren't you?

[Gunny376]

LC?

 

Try NC!

 

She's not going?

 

She's gone!

 

Get ready for the ever rest of your Life without her!

 

Its here and its real!

 

Take a Fool;s Advice!

[jackbaron]

Oh he has visited her already ( I bought a bigger bunch of flowers though ). Ive confronted him abuot this in the (as has his girlfriend to her) and they are just friends. Hes a player though and I dont trust him. She has had a bunch of visitors, Im starting to meet a few of the new friends (ive met a few before). They are decent people, and I am happy for her to have any friend she likes, but not for them to consume her life, I thoght things were pretty good before she got into this pub scene, but all that has hppened is they have stolen her away from me. She loves the freedom, how they make her feel, how much fun she has etc etc.

[jackbaron]

In terms of the separation - I just dont think she has a reasonable expectation of how things would work: eg: shes said these things to me:

 

* This is your house and I would never fight you for any of it, you can have everything

* The kids will be OK with just one of us, but I will always be here (eg, in mornings, in afternoons)

* (On finances-I asked her if we needed to change anything) no we dont have to change everything, I will always work to support you and the girls

 

 

Im just not sure that she realises in a real separation\divorce, someone gets the kids and someone doesnt - this cant work for ever, but she seems to see it as a viable option?????

[jackbaron]

LC?

 

Try NC!

 

She's not going?

 

She's gone!

 

Get ready for the ever rest of your Life without her!

 

Its here and its real!

 

Take a Fool;s Advice!

 

NC pretty hard when she comes in every morning to make everyone brekky? Right now she needs me - Im still her next of kin. She hasnt spoken to her mum or dad about anything that is going on. They have sussed out that something is not right, and asked me about it. I told them she was having time away to work herself out - they said they would support me 100% as I have been a perfect husband and father and she doesnt know what she has etc etc

 

We were a pin up couple for all our friends, and no one expected anything like this to ever happen to us.

[mark982]

i can understand you still loving your wife, but jb she's got someone else,since she's cut back on her job,"to find herself" and just pour beers for a living. let her take care of herself. stop her money flow. but i can't understand for the life of me why you let her go for a weekend bike ride w/out you?

[hopesndreams]

In terms of the separation - I just dont think she has a reasonable expectation of how things would work: eg: shes said these things to me:

 

* This is your house and I would never fight you for any of it, you can have everything

* The kids will be OK with just one of us, but I will always be here (eg, in mornings, in afternoons)

* (On finances-I asked her if we needed to change anything) no we dont have to change everything, I will always work to support you and the girls

 

 

Im just not sure that she realises in a real separation\divorce, someone gets the kids and someone doesnt - this cant work for ever, but she seems to see it as a viable option?????

 

She is being so very reasonable and calm about all this. It also screams GUILT. Don't dismiss the player guy coz he has a gf. She wants to continue being your friend to protect her OM. Her selfish needs and desires outweigh the concern for her own children. She is pinning all her hopes on OM at this stage. The best thing to do to snap her out of it is get the Divorce ball rolling and find out who the interloper is in your M. Otherwise, she's gone. If you do nothing and continue to let her call the shots, she's gone. Oh, and no more flowers. In what way is she deserving of them anyway?

[jackbaron]

She is being so very reasonable and calm about all this. It also screams GUILT. Don't dismiss the player guy coz he has a gf. She wants to continue being your friend to protect her OM. Her selfish needs and desires outweigh the concern for her own children. She is pinning all her hopes on OM at this stage. The best thing to do to snap her out of it is get the Divorce ball rolling and find out who the interloper is in your M. Otherwise, she's gone. If you do nothing and continue to let her call the shots, she's gone. Oh, and no more flowers. In what way is she deserving of them anyway?

 

If there is another guy it would be this one. On the bike weekend I has a mate in another group keep an eye out for her. He did and reckons from what he saw she is not into this bloke. She is an extremely moral person, attends mass every week, and I do trust her completely, but I certainly havent dismissed this guy. I spoke to him last night about the accident and have met him once before.

 

The sotry behind the whole bike scene. When her brother died she decided to get a bike liscence as he had always wanted her to go riding with him but she never did (he didnt die in a bike accident thoug). 2 years ago I bought her this new bike for Christmas. As far as she is concerned we ARE separated currently, even though this is recent. I allowed her to go on a bike trip as claiming some sort of ownership over her in saying what she can and cant do hasnt worked in the past and certainly wouldnt now.

 

She is still teaching - 3 days a week, and pulling beers a 1-2 nights a week at the pub. She wont be doing that for a while though. In the new year she is returning to her old teaching job 5 days a week, and I suspect she wont have time for the pub work then anyway. All my friends reckon she will tire of this pub scene eventually. I dont think any of these pub mates know the prblems we are having also. She talks about me regularly with them, and they have been super frendly and suportive when Ive run into them at the hospital. They appear to think we are still together.

[hopesndreams]

If there is another guy it would be this one. On the bike weekend I has a mate in another group keep an eye out for her. He did and reckons from what he saw she is not into this bloke. She is an extremely moral person, attends mass every week, and I do trust her completely, but I certainly havent dismissed this guy. I spoke to him last night about the accident and have met him once before.

 

The sotry behind the whole bike scene. When her brother died she decided to get a bike liscence as he had always wanted her to go riding with him but she never did (he didnt die in a bike accident thoug). 2 years ago I bought her this new bike for Christmas. As far as she is concerned we ARE separated currently, even though this is recent. I allowed her to go on a bike trip as claiming some sort of ownership over her in saying what she can and cant do hasnt worked in the past and certainly wouldnt now.

 

She is still teaching - 3 days a week, and pulling beers a 1-2 nights a week at the pub. She wont be doing that for a while though. In the new year she is returning to her old teaching job 5 days a week, and I suspect she wont have time for the pub work then anyway. All my friends reckon she will tire of this pub scene eventually. I dont think any of these pub mates know the prblems we are having also. She talks about me regularly with them, and they have been super frendly and suportive when Ive run into them at the hospital. They appear to think we are still together.

 

My H was a moral person too, belonged to a Lodge, went to the occasional church service. We were the ideal couple as well. People looked upon us as having it all, 3 kids, nice home, we were very well suited. 10 happy years together. I noticed a change in him, just as you noticed with your W. The gut thing. I also got the ILYBNILWY. Everything went down the pan in a few short months. I confronted him 3 times in those months and the 3rd time he confessed to an A. I had no proof to go on. He couldn't choose between her and I, so I made the choice for him. He left to be with his MOW 7 months ago.

 

Something is wrong with your W. You know this. You do not go from being happily married with beautiful kids to out of the blue, no longer in love, wanting separation. You need to call her on this. You need the truth.

 

Investigate. Without the truth, you have no way of saving your M. When the truth comes out, you may not even want to bother. Either way, you are on that rollercoaster. If she does go back with you, there is nothing to stop her from doing the same thing to you again down the road. Without the reason and cause of the breakdown and working through it, the M is doomed.

[jackbaron]

Ive asked - shes replied. "No we are just friends". There is no other possibilities of someone else. When I confronted him on it, he said nothing was going on but agreed that some of the things I knew about didnt look good. Harping on this issue I dont think would do me any good. She is very close to one girl at the pub, who I now know pretty well and she likes me a lot. She told me I had nothing to worry about (in terms of my wife and this guy). I saw her today at the hospital and she seemed to not be aware that wife and I are "separated".

 

Off on a bit of a tangent. In seeking out someone to talk to about this (as we all do I guess) I contacted my wifes cousin, as we are good friends and I had a feeling she and her husband had gome though something similar. I went over, told me story, disbelief at the situation adn how similar her and her husbands was. She was telling him very similar things to what Im hearing (much worse - very very hurtfull, never loves you, never liked sex with you etc etc). She was seeing someone else (no sex but close) but decided to come clean. He chose to forgive her instantly, and that level of understanding he showed saved their marriage. She instantly felt she had a safe place in her husband. I decided then and there that if that is the issue here I would take that approach also. I have chosen to love her unconditionally no matter what she does. If she leaves and doesnt come back then there is nothing I can do, but I am prepared to forgive anything she has done. By the way, my wifes cousin and her husband are now stronger and happier then they have ever been.

[hopesndreams]

If she seeks forgiveness and has true remorse for what she has put you through, then I agree with it. Love unconditionally? What if, if, she wants you and OM in her life?

 

Whatever does happen in your situation, being a doormat gets you nothing but pain and suffering and destroys your self-esteem. Being a doormat will only cause the W to lose all respect for you. Without respect, there is no love. If there is no OM, then there is a way better chance of working things out. Good luck.

[imagine]

This leaving to go with other people is called Independent Behaviour. Her action of disappearing with these folk is a very un-Christian activity.

 

Speak to her paster, her biking friends and FINALLY expose the dissent in the house. Ask these people for their help.

 

Do not talk about relationships, do not say you love her but DO try to meet her Emotional Needs.

[SRV]

Oh he has visited her already ( I bought a bigger bunch of flowers though ). Ive confronted him abuot this in the (as has his girlfriend to her) and they are just friends. Hes a player though and I dont trust him. She has had a bunch of visitors, Im starting to meet a few of the new friends (ive met a few before). They are decent people, and I am happy for her to have any friend she likes, but not for them to consume her life, I thoght things were pretty good before she got into this pub scene, but all that has hppened is they have stolen her away from me. She loves the freedom, how they make her feel, how much fun she has etc etc.

 

You are "confronting" the wrong person. If he is involved with her, she is a willing participant too. He could care less, try and avoid engaging him, it will push her closer to him.

[jackbaron]

I guess I have resolved myself to losing my wife. She is till in hospital and I am seeing her everyday, taking kids, doing all the things she needs right now etc. Found more texts on her phone to the OM yesterday. Could be innocent enough but you dont sign off with an x to any "just a friend". eg. "have a good workout today Mr muscles. x" - "will do. x". They dont go to the same gym btw.

 

Its very difficult obviously - Im on some anti antiety medication that is really helping. Without it I dont think I could cope. You know she may come back, but living in hope only will cause pain. I dont believe she will anymore.

 

Im really upset for the kids though. The 2 eldest are shattered that anything like this could ever happen. I know things will be ok in the end - that is my motto in life. Doesnt mean Im not going to hurt a hell of a lot in the mean time.

[hopeful26]

I've said it once (actually about 500000 times) and I'll say it again...I know how it feels! Sometimes it's just nice to know someone out there understands.

[hopesndreams]

Sorry to hear that Jack. It's pain like no other. It will lessen in time, I promise.

 

Put you and the kids 1st. Do not hang on to hope, for your own sanity. Let her emotional needs now be met by the OM. Perhaps the kids could go visit her with a family member instead? The less you see of her, hear her voice, the quicker you will heal. Try not to interact with her at all unless it's something to do with the kids, but keep it as short and as brief as possible; civil, and not too friendly. Right now she has no consequences for her actions. You not being in her life to use would be one of them. Also, get the D ball rolling, lets her know you mean business and that you are in control and can live your life without her.

 

Her OM has a gf. Perhaps let her know what you have uncovered. She deserves to know the truth as well.

[seibert253]

I have an idea for her welcome home present:

 

A nice new set of divorce papers.

[jackbaron]

We are a way off divorce - she is only been moved out for 3 weeks. I have been seeing her in the hospital each day, and she is not doing great. The stress of the last few months and the accident are really taking its toll on her emotinal well being, and despite what she is doing to me, it is heartbreaking to see her in this state.

 

She has admitte to putting on a brave face for the kids. I told her tonight I just wanted to let her know I am there for her through this, and I have no expectation that the accident has changed anything. She teared up and said I know and thankyou for everything. I really have lost hope now, but I will love her forever despite her not recipriacationg that love. That is what unconditional love is all about - not needing anything in return. There is no doubt that this last few months have changed me immensly.

 

Being in Australia the laws would certainly be different here, but I do want to get the ball rolling on an official separation once she is well enough to do so. I dont want this dragging on forever, and if i am in a place where I can accept that she has gone for good, then I want to get it over and done with. The kids will be heartbroken and I am shattered for them. They are the most gorgeous 4 girls you can imagine. All beautiful (like their mum) and smart (like their dad )

[JaneDoe35]

Hey there, I feel so sad reading your story...

 

I have one daughter and I am totally dreading the day she finds out the complete truth about why her Daddy is away more than usual.

 

Maybe all your girls will be able to help each other through this, with you of course.

 

I have done everything I can think of, with lot's of advice, to save my marriage.

 

I love my husband but unlike you I just don't think I will be able to be there for him anymore. It is just way too painful.

 

I live in Australia too....

[jackbaron]

Thanks so much for your post JaneDoe - I took some time to read through your story and I feel for you. There are so many similartities, as there appears to be in so many stories. I once thought I was alone in thinking I had close to a perfect marriage and with little warning it could all be gone. Its a long shot but if you live anywhere nearby and want a complete stranger to talk to or have a coffee with let me know. (Sydney area).

[JaneDoe35]

Thanks so much for your post JaneDoe - I took some time to read through your story and I feel for you. There are so many similartities, as there appears to be in so many stories. I once thought I was alone in thinking I had close to a perfect marriage and with little warning it could all be gone. Its a long shot but if you live anywhere nearby and want a complete stranger to talk to or have a coffee with let me know. (Sydney area).

 

 

Jackbaron - thanks for reading my story, amazing how much happens in a few months.

 

It really seems that many of us are completely in shock about what our spouses have done. My husband started a very stressful new role a few months ago and I believe the affair began then. I put his sometimes unusual moods down to that. I asked him if everything was ok - he just brushed me off.

 

If only he had of come clean & told me the truth. I love him enough that I would have found a way to repair the damage. I don't believe in throwing away a marriage at the first major hurdle.

 

It is the most stressful time imaginable.

 

Your story is very complex.....what is really going on with her I wonder?

 

How old are your children? My daughter is just 9. So sweet & beautiful.

 

We live about 2 hours from Penrith. You know, maybe catching up for coffee would not be a bad idea. When you become an established member we could swap emails.

[jackbaron]

 

Your story is very complex.....what is really going on with her I wonder?

 

How old are your children? My daughter is just 9. So sweet & beautiful.

 

We live about 2 hours from Penrith. You know, maybe catching up for coffee would not be a bad idea. When you become an established member we could swap emails.

 

 

She has had quite a few dissapointments in her life - all stared whith her mum I guess. Losing her only brother 6 years ago was a huge loss for her and something she has never fully gotten over.

 

I have 4 girls, 4,9,10 and 14. They are just awesome kids - all very smart and beautiful and so well behaved (everyone says so). Very independent too - I think that is one reason why my wife thinks its ok to not be here- has sid a few times the girls dont need her. Dont get me wrong she loves being with them and is a great mum, just doesnt think they need her. I think that is a sign that she is really messed up.

 

2 hours from Penrith hey - Im about an hour south of there, but if your 2 hours west that would put you in Bathurst which is my home town - there for the first 20 years of my life. That would be interesting.....

 

Jack Baron is definately not my real name by the way

[JaneDoe35]

She has had quite a few dissapointments in her life - all stared whith her mum I guess. Losing her only brother 6 years ago was a huge loss for her and something she has never fully gotten over.

 

I have 4 girls, 4,9,10 and 14. They are just awesome kids - all very smart and beautiful and so well behaved (everyone says so). Very independent too - I think that is one reason why my wife thinks its ok to not be here- has sid a few times the girls dont need her. Dont get me wrong she loves being with them and is a great mum, just doesnt think they need her. I think that is a sign that she is really messed up.

 

2 hours from Penrith hey - Im about an hour south of there, but if your 2 hours west that would put you in Bathurst which is my home town - there for the first 20 years of my life. That would be interesting.....

 

Jack Baron is definately not my real name by the way

 

If your wife is saying that the kids don't need her then she has some serious problems. In my opinion no parent takes leaving a child lightly, especially a mother.......

 

What a coincidence - Bathurst it is!!! How funny. Do you still have family/friends here?

[jackbaron]

If your wife is saying that the kids don't need her then she has some serious problems. In my opinion no parent takes leaving a child lightly, especially a mother.......

 

What a coincidence - Bathurst it is!!! How funny. Do you still have family/friends here?

 

Yes I agree - its just not right. Went to see her tonight - surgery put off till next week. Shes struggling so am going to try and get one of the hospital counsellers to go and see her on the premise that they visit all accident victims.

 

Bathurst - Yep I sure do. Mum and dad still live there (own a property 30 minutes out of town towards lithgow) and I still have a sister there. Was last in town on the race weekend. Dont get back often enough. Not a lot of friends still there as most have moved away. Went to stannies - then charles sturt uni. Actually re-trained as a teacher last year and am teacher high school this year. great move - holidays with the family, but certainly didnt expect the turns this year has taken.