Arabess Posted January 1, 2004 Share Posted January 1, 2004 GREAT POST Jmargel!!!! I absolutely agree and have been thru those steps....in anguish! LOL! I also agree with Moimeme. It's following the 'instincts' within us which could save us many a heart break and disappointment. Letting your heart over-ride your head....can cause serious malfunctions!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeoverexperience Posted January 1, 2004 Share Posted January 1, 2004 Despite my earlier posting I feel like cr*p. I've just got home to find that he's taken everything his ex might possibly have wanted and left me with the rubbish to live with until he finds the time and the means to come and pick it all up. It's horrible, my home doesn't feel like a home anymore and I can't settle to doing anything or nothing. Should I just leave it until he calls me or should I call him and ask him when he's planning on coming to sort it all out? Also, he's taken some of the more expensive child things that I bought (and he paid a token amount towards) but left the cot. I'm tempted to say that I'm keeping the cot seeing as I spent so much on the other stuff and I may need the cot (one day). Or is that petty and just making a bad situation worse? A friend pointed out that for the child's sake I should stop hoping that horrible things befall their relationship. Damn, hoping that they were both going to end up miserable was helping me cope but I don't want her to be hurt. I know what it's like to be a child in that situation. That's why I was so supportive of his fathering - mine wasn't that bothered about me apart from in an ownership sense until I was nearly 30 - and so I guess at least for her sake, I hope that it does work out. How on earth did I get caught up in this mess??? I just want my life and my emotions back to where they were before I ever met this man. Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted January 1, 2004 Share Posted January 1, 2004 The guy is a cowardly bum. You say he took pretty much all the "good stuff"...for him and her...but you're wondering if you should contact him to see if he's planning on coming back to get the rest of his stuff? WHAT FOR? I say screw it! He had his opportunity to reclaim his things, and sounds like he made out quite nicely. Whatever remains there now, it's yours. Change the locks, have NO further contact with him, and do your best to move on. Unless, of course, you are looking to create opportunities for you to see him/have contact with him again? If someone cheated on me and went back to their ex, I'd inform them they had an hour to get their sh*t out, and if not, I would go through it and toss it out on the lawn. I wouldn't be naive and give them a chance to come into the home and "shop" for all the "good stuff" for them and their new gal. Nor would I give them further opportunities to "come back" and continuing taking stuff out. I'd have the locks changed ASAP. Why are you being so nice? Who gives a crap about a cot? Keep it, sell it, throw it out if you don't want it, but don't continue contacting him. Also, there was something in one of your posts that seemed to indicate that when you and he got together, he was either at the "tail end" of this past relationship with his ex, or he was just recently out of it. In other words, you were the "rebound girl." Let that be a lesson for you......that you just dont' ever get involved with someone who's a) getting out of a relationship or b) just out of one...ESPECIALLY when they share a child..because there's a bond there that's very strong, there's a huge history there. Now make arrangements to change your locks, break off all contact with him and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 >>>However, I'd be a little uncomfortable with the 'weekly in home visits' but I presume it's because it's on a school night and she has to be up early the next day? <<< I'm not picking on the poster here - obviously, this is all hindisght now. But this goes to show that you shouldn't ignore instincts. Judge behavior, not words. Bottom line: there's no good reason - none - for ex's to sleep in the same house with ex's. That's not an opinion, that's law. p.s. I disagree with hope over experience: the joke's not on you, dear; it's on your ex. He'll eventually re-discover why they couldn't live together just as he "rediscovered" his lost flame. It's kinda like going back to spoiled milk the next day and expecting it to get better. Don't be surprised if he calls you out of the blue a few months from now. Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeoverexperience Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 I've just received a text... "Is it ok if I come and collect my stuff tomorrow between 1 and three?" My response... "Fine but a coward as well as a liar? I didn't know u. Hope all goes well for F's sake and you've got a friend to help with the bedsit move. Look after yourself." It's sent. Nothing left to do except wait for tomorrow afternoon when all his stuff will be as gone as he is and I can start to get over the whole sorry experience. Thanks to all for helping me through what is a really hard time. I'll keep posting any updates, if it becomes tedious just let me know. I always appreciate honesty! Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 So he can't even give you an EXACT TIME to come get the remainder of his sh*t? He gives you a 2 hour window...so now you have to sit there waiting around for 2 hrs for him? How many times does he need to come over to "get his stuff".......I thought he already did all that? .....and that's why you said he took "all the good stuff." ???? Why are you letting him continue to walk all over you? Why are you being so accomodating? And hopefully THIS time, you'll be there when he comes over.....have some friends there with you....so that you can SEE what he takes...otherwise, you're just silly to let an ex come over, after you know what kind of person he is (who's already had a nice shopping spree at your place)...without being there to SUPERVISE what he takes. Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeovexperience Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 I know I'm being accommodating but that's just the way I am and probably because I'm still in love with the guy. I'm angry and hurt but he hasn't made me a bitter and horrible person just because of what he's done to me. I don't want to become that person. I want to be the me that gave everything I could to someone I loved. To me, that's the best I can do. And it's what I'd do again. I just want to love and be loved and whatever I have to risk to achieve that it seems I'll do. More fool me probably. I can always see both sides to the story and it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. He had a family life he loved before his ex kicked him out, he thinks he has the opportunity to recreate that. He may be wrong, he may be right. But whatever, taking the chance has cost him the relationship with me. And I want him to see me at my best to realise just what that means. My best is not ranting and raving and shouting the odds. My best is being understanding, open and dignified. I'm not overly optimistic right now about the future for either of us but I'm doing my best to embrace it anyway. I've felt like this before and come through, I see no reason for it to be any different now. I will be here this time when he comes to collect his stuff. Mainly because I don't like the thought of him being here without me. Kind of makes it too easy. He'll have to face up to what he's done if I'm around. I could get friends round but I don't want to drag them into it. Everything will be ready, there is no reason for him to stick around. Just get his stuff and go. Tomorrow is going to be a horrible day I know but at least at the end of it I'll get some closure on all this. What happens then I don't know but I can only take it an hour at a time right now. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 Hope, You're obviously handling this with as much class as a person could in this situation. I get the sense that you are a very strong person and that you're in control of yourself, which is so different from most people in these situations. I tip my hat to you. Good luck, and yes, please, try not to be bitter about this (easier said than done, I know). Someone out there is waiting to meet a woman like you, I think. Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeovexperience Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 Thank you. The only thing I can control is myself. If I let that go, fear the world would come crashing down around me. Just "You think" though? haha Sense of humour and everything, what has he passed up? Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. Speaking from experience, nothing hurts quite like finding out he's not who you thought he was...especially when there's another girl in that scenario. Hang in there and if you need anyone to vent to, you can always message me. I'm in a bind myself so I know how you might be feeling. Above all, good luck and know there are decent men out there. Hopefully we'll find ours someday. lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Melinda Posted January 3, 2004 Share Posted January 3, 2004 Once parents of a child have broken up, the child is of course going to see less of one parent. And they should be brought up around this arrangement so they don't get a nasty shock when they are old enough to understand what is going on around them. My bf goes over to his exes place at night time and every now and then, and while I don't like it, it's not a frequent thing. And he COMES HOME. I think it's completely irresponsible of him to show his daughter that Dad belongs in his exes home... I'm sure the ex and him can maintain a basic friendship, keeping everything they talk about relevant to why they are still friends, and organise to have quality time with his daughter at his own place. My bf has his daughter over once a week, and any other times during the week that is agreed upon. And pays child support. I think that's fair enough. You can't expect "perfect" upbringings for childen when it's obviously never going to be perfect, with the biological parents being separated. Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeovexperience Posted January 3, 2004 Share Posted January 3, 2004 That's it he's gone. I feel dead inside. Hxxx Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted January 3, 2004 Share Posted January 3, 2004 So he's collected the rest of his things? ... No explanations? ... No words of gratitude toward you for having stuck by him? Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeovexperience Posted January 3, 2004 Share Posted January 3, 2004 Nope. No explanation. Just "I feel really bad". However, my demeanour wasn't asking for an explanation. Everything was outside or packed up by the door, I kept the stereo on and carried on doing the crossword as him and his friend carried it up to the car. When he was alone I told him I hoped everything worked out for his daughters sake and never, ever to hurt anyone like this again. He left. I cried. I phoned a friend. We met up and then I came home. I'd rearranged the furniture before he came to collect his things, and with all his stuff gone and things in different places I have to say that I at least feel at home again. I've also just eaten somethig almost substantial for the first time in three days. Wouldn't have thought that I could live on just one apple, one bowl of cornflakes and two slices of toast with cheese for three days but my appetite's gone to pot and I'm still having trouble swallowing my food. Am I heading for food by drip or will my appetite come back? it's never gone away for this long before. Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeovexperience Posted January 5, 2004 Share Posted January 5, 2004 So Saturday he collected his stuff. Today he phones to say that they've got a certain type of chocolate at a place in town!!! What??? Do I care right now?? I mention that he still has keys to my flat (what used to be 'our' flat, but I got here first and, after all, he has somewhere else to go). He says he'll drop them through the letterbox. Fine. Bye. Then he phones back to say that he's bringing them round now. He turns up, hands over the keys. We exchange minimum pleasantries. I ask how he is. He says 'fine, I'm worried about you though'. I tell him not to bother; I'll be fine. And I meant it. Just so long as I keep venting to my friends and on this site I guess End to it all. He said 'I'll call you in a while'. I asked why. He said 'Well, I'll leave it up to you then". As if. Sorry for the endless I said/he saids and thank you all for what you've posted and for putting up with the whole sorry tale. I know I'm doing the right thing, but it's so hard. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted January 5, 2004 Share Posted January 5, 2004 Stay strong Hope! I told you this opportunist would not burn his bridges or give you any sense of closure voluntarily. He'll do everything he can to maintain those emotional ties in the event he needs to fall back on you again. Go to the local home improvement store and buy yourself a new set of locks and keys. Changing them will make you feel a whole lot better. Even though you haven't been able to shut him out of your heart yet, the physical action of changing the locks may help you work through those emotions by turning it into a tangible act. You'll feel good that you took this brave step in your relationship recovery! And its so much saner then following through on some of those more devious pay-back fantasies we often have. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 5, 2004 Share Posted January 5, 2004 Hope, post here as often as you like. People will either respond or they won't, but you're not annoying anybody. That's why this forum exists in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
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