Seany Posted November 9, 2009 Share Posted November 9, 2009 Hi there, First time poster here. I'll try and keep this brief because I could write about this for pages and pages (I already have, in fact! I've written this first post out a number of times over the past year and am only getting round to actually posting it now.) The basic gist of it is that I'm really friendly with a married woman at work. We get on really well and I don't think I've ever been so comfortable with someone outside of my family in life. Not that I'm anti-social or anything. Although I'm a bit shy at times I can pretty much talk to most folk and get on well with them, and without wanting to blow my own trumpet (parp!) I think I'm a nice guy too. Loads of folk always seem to say I'm a great guy (parp!) and I've got quite a number of acquaintances. At worst some of them probably think I'm a bit boring, but I don't think anybody actively dislikes me. However, trouble is I feel I'm everybody's chum and helping hand, yet when it comes to settling down for the night I'm always the one going home alone. For years I've managed to deal with it, though, with the hope that one day I'd meet someone who I can finally get close to, and until then I'd just be everyone's dependable mate. Until I met her... Fact is, I've fallen quite deeply for her and have felt this way for about a year and a half now. I've kept a lid on it as best I can but while I've kept it all bottled up, we've got to know each other better and better and become friendlier and friendlier. We've got past that initial polite phase you go through when you're first getting to know someone, particularly a workmate, and we're now at the bit where we can talk about deep parts of our life, as well as being comfortable enough to tease and slag (not a typo) each other. It's great, but at the same time it's really cutting me up bad. I've never felt this badly over someone in my entire life. I'll admit I'm quite picky when it comes to women, therefore I've not had too many relationships, and those I've had haven't really been that deep at all. In fact, I've always of the opinion that I don't really need anyone, and thought I was quite happy on my own until the “right one” came along. But since meeting her it's like I've woken up. After all these years I've finally met someone who actually get on so well with, and she's married. It's irrational, but I feel almost cheated. I've spent years being a nice guy and trying to do the best by people and this is how life repays me: “Here you go, here's a woman you finally click with. Unfortunately she's married! Bad luck! Still, you can spend your weekdays with her, wondering what might have been”. Sorry, those last couple of lines are a bit bitter sounding. The dumb thing is if someone offered to take me back in time and change things so I'd never meet her and therefore never go through all this, I wouldn't take it. If this is all I can have then I'd take all the pain again just to keep the status quo. Please note that I'm not just falling for her because she's nice to me. I've known and worked with plenty of girls and women in my life and I haven't fallen for them just because they've been nice to me. It's something different with her that I've never felt before. I kind of know the answer to all this: get over her. It's just it seems so hard to do. Please understand this isn't something I planned. I'm not the type of guy who tries to steal other guys' girls as if it's some kind of challenge. I'm actually quite a moral fellow and try to do the right thing, even if it leaves me unhappy, so this has kind of crept up on me and I don't seem to be able to shake it. I've given meeting other women a go – I've been out on about 4 dates in the last year – but they've all just been done in an effort to get away from thinking about her, rather than going on the dates themselves for their own sake. I was always polite on these dates, and some of the girls were quite nice, but they all paled into insignificance to her. It's not like I'm looking for a type of person like her – it's her. I don't want to lose her completely because she's the closest I've had to a real friend in years, but I'm worried that if I do keep in contact then I'll never truly get over her. Thanks for listening (reading). I suppose I'm not really asking for anything here because, as I say, I know what to do. I don't want to hurt anyone and as much as I dream about it being different, I know it's not going to work out for me in the long run. In a way I can accept that as long as she's happy, but there is that selfish part of me that feels out in the cold in all this. Any comments would be appreciated. One thing I would ask is this: does it sound like I'm in love and does it sound like she likes me to any degree? I'm not going to act on it, but I think it would provide me with some comfort to find out otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 Well, you never really plan to fall for someone. It just happens. She could have ten wedding rings on plus a very visible titanium chastity belt with a laser fence and you would still run the risk of falling for her. Its called, you being a guy and her being a girl. Plain, simple, stupid human emotions. Unfortunately, the best way to get over this type of love is time and distance. Lots of it. You need to distance yourself from her, slowly, but you need to. A sudden drop off may really hurt her, but you've got to get away from her to allow yourself to seek available females. I wouldn't necessarily come out and spill your guts to her about this whole thing but there may have to be some dialog between the two of you as to why you are pulling back a bit. But that is for a later post. Does she have any single friends? Ask her to hook you up with one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seany Posted November 12, 2009 Author Share Posted November 12, 2009 Well, you never really plan to fall for someone. It just happens. She could have ten wedding rings on plus a very visible titanium chastity belt with a laser fence and you would still run the risk of falling for her. Its called, you being a guy and her being a girl. Plain, simple, stupid human emotions. Haha! Yup, it's not something I think you can control. However, your subsequent actions are the important part, I think. Thankfully I've not done anything, and am not likely to either. Still doesn't stop it being a bit painful, though. Unfortunately, the best way to get over this type of love is time and distance. Lots of it. You need to distance yourself from her, slowly, but you need to. A sudden drop off may really hurt her, but you've got to get away from her to allow yourself to seek available females. I wouldn't necessarily come out and spill your guts to her about this whole thing but there may have to be some dialog between the two of you as to why you are pulling back a bit. But that is for a later post. Sadly I think you're right: time and distance. Unfortunately at the moment that isn't possible because we work in the same place, so I'm needing to get a Plan B of some kind. I've considered upping sticks entirely and quitting my job and moving off somewhere, but that seems too drastic a thing to do over one person. Anyway, I don't really want to either. Plus, the other thing is, forgetting all the unrequited nonsense, I do actually really like her as a friend and I don't want to lose that. Making real friends in this life is hard going, so it seems foolish to throw it away. Does she have any single friends? Ask her to hook you up with one. Good idea, might try that. It has actually been brought up before but never pursued by me. Might give that a go. Thanks for the comments, by the way! Link to post Share on other sites
woopster638 Posted November 29, 2009 Share Posted November 29, 2009 All i can say is **** INFATUATION IN THE ASS!!! i myself have been through this, and time and distance is the key Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted November 29, 2009 Share Posted November 29, 2009 I wouldn't quit your job over her or your feelings for her. I think you just need to regain control over your mind. Keep reminding yourself that she is married and she is just a friend every time your mind starts romantically wandering. It is all about fighting your mind. You just have to be smarter than yourself. It will help if you can find someone who is romantically available to help take these thoughts away. Then, and only then, can the two of you truly be "friends." Until then, you may have to distance yourself a bit. Maybe not complete distance, but you might need a good dose. Link to post Share on other sites
dazzle22 Posted November 29, 2009 Share Posted November 29, 2009 The love of my life, (the first half anyway) was not ready to get married at 22 and so I married someone else I was not in love with, and I thought about my first love every day of my 25 year marriage...so I know something about unrequited love... I then got divorced, and I was not hoping I could find anyone..I actually checked on my first love to see perhaps if he might be divorced, but he wasn't. and then WHAM, I met someone else, someone intoxicating, sexy, fabulous, cool, and just like that, the one great love of my life faded like a ghost...and I would have never believed this could happen if anyone had suggested that could happen... I guess my point is, do not waste time pining for someone you can't have. It is painful and fruitless, and the problem is, the more you think about her, the more the "software" of this thinking becomes "hardwired" in your brain. You literally have to MAKE yourself stop thinking of her for your own good. If you need to, just think of yourself as being tricked by a sea of brain chemicals and you keep going back for one more "hit". There was a movie about this..can't remember the exact name. something like, What the bleep do we know anyway, something like that. Very enlightening. Just cold turkey this. And don't for one SECOND think that you can get closer and be "just friends". No, no, no, you are in love with her, and it will just get worse. Link to post Share on other sites
oasis Posted November 29, 2009 Share Posted November 29, 2009 The love of my life, (the first half anyway) was not ready to get married at 22 and so I married someone else I was not in love with, and I thought about my first love every day of my 25 year marriage...so I know something about unrequited love... I then got divorced, and I was not hoping I could find anyone..I actually checked on my first love to see perhaps if he might be divorced, but he wasn't. and then WHAM, I met someone else, someone intoxicating, sexy, fabulous, cool, and just like that, the one great love of my life faded like a ghost...and I would have never believed this could happen if anyone had suggested that could happen... I guess my point is, do not waste time pining for someone you can't have. It is painful and fruitless, and the problem is, the more you think about her, the more the "software" of this thinking becomes "hardwired" in your brain. You literally have to MAKE yourself stop thinking of her for your own good. If you need to, just think of yourself as being tricked by a sea of brain chemicals and you keep going back for one more "hit". There was a movie about this..can't remember the exact name. something like, What the bleep do we know anyway, something like that. Very enlightening. Just cold turkey this. And don't for one SECOND think that you can get closer and be "just friends". No, no, no, you are in love with her, and it will just get worse. Great post! Link to post Share on other sites
billy356 Posted November 30, 2009 Share Posted November 30, 2009 Yup, I am going to have to agree with the above posters. Your feelings are real, it sucks, and you gotta let go. It is almost having to go through a breakup of sorts! You first have to really do some soul searching and figure out just what type of guy you are mentally. Are you the type who will ruminate over this endlessly and progressively drive yourself insane? Are you the guy that can process all of these emotions and look at them intellectually for what they are? if you are the ruminating obsessive type (as I have a tendency to be) then you may have to be more drastic about your "emotional departure". if you can intellectualize everything that is going on you may be able to stay in the same place in her life while you internally make changes and adjustments on the fly. That would be a harder route but more productive in the long run. You need to breakup with her in your mind. She is married. She is not available. It is over. No movie endings, no day time soap scenes. Its not an option. Sucks to read, but you need to first accept that WHOLLY and then move to the next step. Maybe a version of NC is in order, grieve the loss, everything you would do in a breakup. you will come out of that a stronger person and perhaps a person able to resume the close friendship that you had. of course doing all of this without her knowing is difficult, but chances are she has suspected for a long time that you have feelings for her and she is just assuming you have successfully internalized it. She probably wont be too surprised if you become distant for a short amount of time. Best of luck though, there is nothing about this that doesnt suck for you, but you do have a great friend that you dont want to lose.... Link to post Share on other sites
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