Gabriele Posted November 9, 2009 Share Posted November 9, 2009 So my Dh cheated (ONS, but it was with a sorta friend/employee) 8years ago...I just found out a few months ago. I have been feeling the past week the urge to contact the o/w to find out if what my dh has told me would be the same story as what she would say..... am I nuts?? She was/is also married, I figure she might talk to me b/c she might be scared that I would tell he dh (which i thought of but changed my mind), who knows maybe she told him long ago, i don't know. I think I want to Trust my DH and believe that he is being open with me (I think he is) I just feel the more reassurance that I have that he is being true will help me heal.....maybe it would just make me more angry to hear her relive it from her side??? anyone done this?? how did it turn out? should I phone or just leave it alone? Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted November 9, 2009 Share Posted November 9, 2009 Under what circumstance was the affair revealed to you? Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted November 9, 2009 Share Posted November 9, 2009 So my Dh cheated (ONS, but it was with a sorta friend/employee) 8years ago...I just found out a few months ago. I have been feeling the past week the urge to contact the o/w to find out if what my dh has told me would be the same story as what she would say..... am I nuts?? She was/is also married, I figure she might talk to me b/c she might be scared that I would tell he dh (which i thought of but changed my mind), who knows maybe she told him long ago, i don't know. I think I want to Trust my DH and believe that he is being open with me (I think he is) I just feel the more reassurance that I have that he is being true will help me heal.....maybe it would just make me more angry to hear her relive it from her side??? anyone done this?? how did it turn out? should I phone or just leave it alone? Nope.. not a good idea IMO.. First.. she probably won't want to talk to you.. (I know I wouldn't)... and secondly, it would hurt you even more.. the less you know the best it is IMO.. why torture you like that? If you want to stay with him.. then you got to let this go.. it will only make you much angrier.. move on.. it's done.. you can't change the past.. but you can change how you deal with it for your future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gabriele Posted November 9, 2009 Author Share Posted November 9, 2009 My husband told me.... he has been in counseling the last number of years (for dealing with childhood sexual abuse) he has been leading up to telling me, he took part in a personal growth type workshop which just gave him the final push to come clean. I have another post here about it too. He did this 2 times over our marriage, once 12 1/2 years ago and then once 8years ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted November 9, 2009 Share Posted November 9, 2009 My husband told me.... he has been in counseling the last number of years (for dealing with childhood sexual abuse) he has been leading up to telling me, he took part in a personal growth type workshop which just gave him the final push to come clean. I have another post here about it too. He did this 2 times over our marriage, once 12 1/2 years ago and then once 8years ago. Gabriele, I tried to call the OW twice. The first time she called my husband at work and told him angrily I had attempted to call her. It made me angrier. The second time, I left three kind messages and she...ignored me. You know, I always felt three people in a triangle, three get hurt. I only had empathy for her until....she did not return my call. I always thought he had to fall in love with someone similiar to me: smart, ethical, kind, fair. Nope, I guess not. My opinion of her changed dramatically the day she did not return my kind phone calls. I hope I bump into her one day. I truly do. What an unevolved coward. So i guess I am saying, you may not get the response you hope for. Hell, you may not get any response as they run and hide. I have always been a woman who OWNED my choices. Many are not. Link to post Share on other sites
mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 can i be honest here? even though it means admitting the terrible things ive done. my xMM's wife called me on a few occasions. each time i knew it was coming (he told me first). our stories were well aligned and she believed every bit of it. even after d-day. so she believed me and i covered and told her what he wanted her to hear. now, i wish i could talk to her and tell her the truth but its not my place. if she ever contacts me again i will. i also have to admit that at this point i would find it hard to be completely nice as i think i might just be brutally honest. since dday shes been sending emails, being hateful etc. i understand her anger and i accept all of it. but shes doing these things against me while he's still lying. throwing their M in my face like shes trying to "prove" how happy they are. and for them, i hope with all of my heart that they end up happy. the guilt i feel for her is tremendous. but honestly, i would like her to know the truth, because i think she would stop trying to get back at me so hard if she knew he was still contacting me and asking me to lie for him. Link to post Share on other sites
JaneInVegas Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 After 8 years? I'm not sure it would yield any kind of a satisfying result for you. If you think it would bring you closure that you wouldn't be able to achieve any other way, well, maybe. But to me that would be like cutting open an old scar just to make sure it had healed properly, and what would be the point in that. Best of luck to you, whatever you decide to do. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 MBEG,I am always impressed by your posts. If I could direct any person , who has had an affair to anybody, for advice, it would be you. You have actually learned something from this horrible experience, and are a much smarter, wiser and more honest person, than you were before. If you ever want my E-mail , I would be glad to tell your husband , that you are a fine, honorable woman.OP, you would do very well to listen to the words MBEG speaks. If it helps YOU to heal, then do it, but don't for any other reason, like revenge or anger. Link to post Share on other sites
chrisa Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 I did call her (she was a friend/coworker too) and she was married too (now divorced). we were all in the military together stationed overseas (affair was 8yrs ago)...when I called of course she was all glad to hear from me. It was really a one sided conversation (with me talking) to her. It started out with big hi, how have you been (from her)...it went into you can drop the act I know all about your fbuddy (thats what she called it, per my husband)....and I just said that he told me everything, some colorful words and for her to never think of our family again (she never said a word)....so basically, no info. from her side. about a week later, I asked my husband to call her (I was on the other phone) so he could appologize, said it was all a mistake and that he loved me (all his words)...once again, she didn't say anything....except for she didn't appreciate being called at work (to bad huh) I finally wrote her a basic email and said that I heard his side of the story and if there was anything she wanted to add. Of course she never responded...maybe I was hoping to get a apology or something, who knows. either way, I'm glad I did call her...I did not want her to spend another day/year thinking they got away with something. I wanted her to know that I now knew. I swear this chick was trying to take my life back then (thats another story) but, finding out about this affair was shocking and at the same time deep deep down not suprising (kinda sad I wasn't more intune with life back then). Link to post Share on other sites
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