Predictably, MM is back and full of regret

[Alpha Female]

For those unfamilar with my recent drama, MM was to leave his W and move in with me this past weekend. He had been spotty with attention for two weeks prior, I called him out on it, we argued, and then he basically ended it. I knew he was regretting it the day after, but I told him I was going total NC.

 

Today I got a ton of texts from MM. Including:

 

I miss you so badly

 

I regret what happened (referring to breaking up and not following through on leaving the W)

 

Im self-destructive and dont deserve the happiness I could have had with you

 

You are the dream I dream. And I want you. I miss you. I am hurting inside constantly. I want to see you so badly.

 

What we had was the rarest thing. Ill be haunted for the rest of my life

 

I made a huge mistake (referring again to dumping me)

 

Then he asked to see me. Luckily I was at the airport heading out of town for the week.

 

I so knew this would happen. Im just not sure how to proceed!

[Virgo1982]

Oh dear. He sounds like my xMM, honestly. Either ignore him or tell him you'll contact him when you get back and take your time doing so if you decide to.

 

Actions speak louder than words. So, don't forget the words you've expressed over the last few days here when you act. You have to show him who you are Alpha Female.

[NoIDidn't]

Seriously? You don't know how to proceed?! After raging at him for an entire evening? After swearing off him forever? [sarcasm off]

 

Proceed with both eyes open, hun. If you still feel you deserve better, than you deserve better. If he is only offering you the position of OW until he can make a clean break from the M, I say ignore him, honestly.

 

You seem to want more from him than being his OW, so if that's all he's offering - even for a little bit - I say tell him to bring you the papers or no deal.

[Heather1]

make him sweat it out....he'll want you more. Then re-define the terms to what YOU want.

 

Sometimes guys can just be dufus' and we over analyze it as something else.

[Alpha Female]

Actions speak louder than words. So, don't forget the words you've expressed over the last few days here when you act. You have to show him who you are Alpha Female.

 

Yes they do, and your right. He needs to see that I am never going to be his 2nd best again. Period.

 

Seriously? You don't know how to proceed?! After raging at him for an entire evening? After swearing off him forever? [sarcasm off]

 

Proceed with both eyes open, hun. If you still feel you deserve better, than you deserve better. If he is only offering you the position of OW until he can make a clean break from the M, I say ignore him, honestly.

 

You seem to want more from him than being his OW, so if that's all he's offering - even for a little bit - I say tell him to bring you the papers or no deal.

 

It was actually a full day, not an evening.

 

And I agree entirely with you. I dont think he even deserves to see me in person to talk, but maybe thats a tad much. My days of being his OW are done.

 

Im with you. Im at the point where if he wants to continue seeing me at all, then he needs to file and find a place to live. I really think if a MM or any man, is that heartbroken and remorseful, then he will step up and make the break. But there is no way in hell Im going back to what it was.

 

Do I agree to meet him in person when I get home so that I can tell him this? Or, do it over phone/text?

 

make him sweat it out....he'll want you more. Then re-define the terms to what YOU want.

 

Sometimes guys can just be dufus' and we over analyze it as something else.

 

He will sweat the whole week, as I dont get home until Friday night.

 

My terms are above. He files and moves out, or he gets no piece of me again.

 

I knew he was full of regret and knee-jerked. Your right, it wasnt more than that. But this is a good thing to happen. Maybe he needed to lose me before wed see how far he would go to keep me. Will be interesting to see if he can finally walk from her.

[Virgo1982]

I am loving every thing I see here and I'm glad you are putting your foot down. It is the only way. If he really feels what he expressed in the text, he will demonstrate. If he doesn't, you will know what you need to know and he will know that you know what he hopes you would never find out.

 

Keep us posted. I'm rooting for ya!

[NoIDidn't]

Do I agree to meet him in person when I get home so that I can tell him this? Or, do it over phone/text?

 

He doesn't deserve face to face, IMO. That, and I typically do things the way they were relayed to me. If he did it in a text, text it is. And likewise with the phone, email or face-to-face.

 

But I'm stubborn like that. I refuse to give more than what I am being given, especially in a situation when one can claim reasons for why they can't give more when they know I deserve it.

[Alpha Female]

I am loving every thing I see here and I'm glad you are putting your foot down. It is the only way. If he really feels what he expressed in the text, he will demonstrate. If he doesn't, you will know what you need to know and he will know that you know what he hopes you would never find out.

 

Keep us posted. I'm rooting for ya!

 

I think you get to a point in relationships when things go too far, and you cant go backwards. Were at that point. Either he makes good on his promise of leaving and building a life with me, or he spends his life being haunted and in regret because Im gone. I was too attached to the goal to lower myself and go back to being an ocassional side dish.

 

He doesn't deserve face to face, IMO. That, and I typically do things the way they were relayed to me. If he did it in a text, text it is. And likewise with the phone, email or face-to-face.

 

But I'm stubborn like that. I refuse to give more than what I am being given, especially in a situation when one can claim reasons for why they can't give more when they know I deserve it.

 

I like it. I feel like he doesnt deserve it either, because then its like he gets his fix of me and he loses the impetus for change. If he is this broken up, then he needs to stay in that space, and feel what life would be like without me in it.

[jwi71]

You have MY permission to see him when he presents signed, finalized and notarized divorced papers.

 

Until that time, tell him to eff off.

 

You may copy and paste the above into a text message to him at no charge.

 

Then go NC.

 

(and try not to lol as you envision his face at reading that)

 

JW

[2sunny]

You have MY permission to see him when he presents signed, finalized and notarized divorced papers.

 

Until that time, tell him to eff off.

 

You may copy and paste the above into a text message to him at no charge.

 

Then go NC.

 

(and try not to lol as you envision his face at reading that)

 

JW

 

i second that!

 

look, he ONLY said he wanted to SEE you! he didn't promise anything more. what a selfish jerk!

[boldjack]

OP, "regret", isn't the ONLY thing this MM is full of. Just sayin;)

[jennie-jennie]

make him sweat it out....he'll want you more. Then re-define the terms to what YOU want.

 

Sometimes guys can just be dufus' and we over analyze it as something else.

 

After MM came back after NC I tried to redefine the terms for us. I got nowhere. And I needed him back so I took him back anyway.

 

BUT MM did learn something by NC. The way he speaks to me is completely different. It is like he has realized how strong our bond is and how weakened the one is he has to his wife. I don't know if this will make any difference when it comes to leaving her. We will see.

 

So just be prepared if you put any ultimatums out there, to follow them through. He wants you back, but he most likely does not want the terms changed.

[Fallen Angel]

Oh, Alpha hun!! They certainly know things to say to make us want to let themback in our arms without thinking clearly, don't they? ((hugs)) I think you are right not to see him face to face, I know that is when I fail each time at being strong.

 

You have a new found strength right now, right at this moment... run with it, text, email or phone in your demand for what you want, and then stick to your guns. You are quickly becoming my new hero!

 

And remember when you are weak, we are here for you.

[Lizzie60]

Seriously? You don't know how to proceed?! After raging at him for an entire evening? After swearing off him forever? [sarcasm off]

 

Proceed with both eyes open, hun. If you still feel you deserve better, than you deserve better. If he is only offering you the position of OW until he can make a clean break from the M, I say ignore him, honestly.

 

You seem to want more from him than being his OW, so if that's all he's offering - even for a little bit - I say tell him to bring you the papers or no deal.

 

 

Second that!... he dumped you... and now you don't know how to proceed?

[DiDi123]

Oh Alpha-

Go on your trip and do nothing right now. Think really hard about what YOU want and then I would email/text your expectations.

 

But remember if he really wants to see you he may agree to anything over the phone/text/email JUST to see you- thinking that you'll weaken upon the very sight of him.

 

I think you also have to tell him that under no circumstances can you ever go through again what you did with him- and its unfortunate but until he has signed divorce papers you cannot commit to him in anyway. I would tell him NC until then.

 

Keep us posted!

((hugs))

[2sure]

"...And I want you. I miss you. I am hurting inside constantly. I want to see you so badly..."

 

 

Alpha -

 

He sounds so...mamby pamby. Like a victim, a martyr. A whiner. What he wants, what he needs. Blah, blah, blah. Make a freaking decision buddy. This is life, not the lifetime channel.

 

You sound like such an intelligent and capable woman...this man is beneath you. If you step away from him long enough, I'd bet money you will soon look back and wonder how on earth you found this attractive.

[whichwayisup]

For those unfamilar with my recent drama, MM was to leave his W and move in with me this past weekend. He had been spotty with attention for two weeks prior, I called him out on it, we argued, and then he basically ended it. I knew he was regretting it the day after, but I told him I was going total NC.

 

Today I got a ton of texts from MM. Including:

 

I miss you so badly

 

I regret what happened (referring to breaking up and not following through on leaving the W)

 

Im self-destructive and dont deserve the happiness I could have had with you

 

You are the dream I dream. And I want you. I miss you. I am hurting inside constantly. I want to see you so badly.

 

What we had was the rarest thing. Ill be haunted for the rest of my life

 

I made a huge mistake (referring again to dumping me)

 

Then he asked to see me. Luckily I was at the airport heading out of town for the week.

 

I so knew this would happen. Im just not sure how to proceed!

 

This reeks of desparation. He's having withdrawal and reacting on emotion right now so the best thing you can do for yourself is .. NOT react at all. Words mean NOTHING at this point. He can cry the blues all he wants - But until you see action, this is all meaningless. And, it's ALL about HIM.

 

Go on that trip, have fun, try your best not to let him in your head.

 

Stay strong and please, stay in NC mode with him!

[Alpha Female]

You have MY permission to see him when he presents signed, finalized and notarized divorced papers.

 

Until that time, tell him to eff off.

 

You may copy and paste the above into a text message to him at no charge.

 

Then go NC.

 

(and try not to lol as you envision his face at reading that)

 

JW

 

ha ha! I like your moxie. Yes, thats pretty much where things are. Im not going back to being his OW, so if he genuinely misses me and wants me as much as hes always proclaimed, then he will need to step up and make some hard changes in his life.

 

Until then, I sort of let him think Im dating someone new. Not the truth, but it could be soon enough! I dont think he likes the thought of that. Oh, the irony!

 

 

look, he ONLY said he wanted to SEE you! he didn't promise anything more. what a selfish jerk!

 

No, he wanted to talk to me. Not see me as in come over have sex and then go home to his W, see me.

 

Hes trying right now to let me know that he screwed up and wants me back.

 

His next step is to figure out, or find out, exactly what that will take. If anything.

 

After MM came back after NC I tried to redefine the terms for us. I got nowhere. And I needed him back so I took him back anyway.

 

BUT MM did learn something by NC. The way he speaks to me is completely different. It is like he has realized how strong our bond is and how weakened the one is he has to his wife. I don't know if this will make any difference when it comes to leaving her. We will see.

 

So just be prepared if you put any ultimatums out there, to follow them through. He wants you back, but he most likely does not want the terms changed.

 

Actually he does want things to change. He was never very happy with being in the middle of two women. His feelings for me are too strong. I honestly do believe he wants to be away from her and wants to be with me. Thats not the problem, however. Its if he can find the inner strength to make the move thats always been the concern.

 

And I went through a lot of pain from him last week. I dont need him, as you needed your MM back. Want is a different thing, of course. Last time we split - NC for a week, I had a personal tragedy and needed him - I know how tough that can be. This time, if this happens at all, it is with new terms, or its not happening. Period. He knows I can, and will, walk away from him, so either he gets it right, or he can spend his life being haunted with regret.

 

Oh, Alpha hun!! They certainly know things to say to make us want to let themback in our arms without thinking clearly, don't they? ((hugs)) I think you are right not to see him face to face, I know that is when I fail each time at being strong.

 

You have a new found strength right now, right at this moment... run with it, text, email or phone in your demand for what you want, and then stick to your guns. You are quickly becoming my new hero!

 

And remember when you are weak, we are here for you.

 

Thanks for that, Angel! I do feel resolved in all of this, I do. Agreed seeing him in person will make it harder, so I dont see the benefit in that. Continuing in person NC seems the right path.

 

Having him unburden himself yesterday makes me even more resolved in this, actually. Knowing that he does love me, does want me, is comforting and makes me feel no anger. Now I know if this doesnt work out, its not because of him not loving me enough, its because hes too weak to make changes for his own betterment. Taking the rejection out of it makes the situation a lot more clear and rational.

 

Oh Alpha-

Go on your trip and do nothing right now. Think really hard about what YOU want and then I would email/text your expectations.

 

But remember if he really wants to see you he may agree to anything over the phone/text/email JUST to see you- thinking that you'll weaken upon the very sight of him.

 

I think you also have to tell him that under no circumstances can you ever go through again what you did with him- and its unfortunate but until he has signed divorce papers you cannot commit to him in anyway. I would tell him NC until then.

 

Keep us posted!

((hugs))

 

Thanks, DiDi.

 

Yep, NC is definitely the way here. Either it will motivate him to make changes, or we will we fade into oblivion. Either way, Im moving on with my life. If he comes along will be his choice.

 

"...And I want you. I miss you. I am hurting inside constantly. I want to see you so badly..."

 

 

Alpha -

 

He sounds so...mamby pamby. Like a victim, a martyr. A whiner. What he wants, what he needs. Blah, blah, blah. Make a freaking decision buddy. This is life, not the lifetime channel.

 

You sound like such an intelligent and capable woman...this man is beneath you. If you step away from him long enough, I'd bet money you will soon look back and wonder how on earth you found this attractive.

 

I rather like the fact that hes emotional and willing to share his pain and sadness. I dont view him as a victim, etc. I view him as someone with issues, who is struggling big time. He doesnt say these things to be manipulative - he genuinely is having a hard time figuring out how to get out of this mess.

 

I think hes made the decision is his heart, but having a hard time implementing that.

 

I think NC will either push him along, or hell retreat.

 

2Sure - yes, there are things about him I dont find attractive, just as there as unattractive parts of my personality. But overall, he is a very gentle and sweet man. Despite the pain weve caused each other, and mistakes weve made together, even if we never see each other again, Id never look back and question my love for him, because I know it was real, and it was lovely. Even if we end up not being meant for each other long term.

[whichwayisup]

Now I know if this doesnt work out, its not because of him not loving me enough, its because hes too weak to make changes for his own betterment. Taking the rejection out of it makes the situation a lot more clear and rational.

 

Good for you for not internalizing this and letting it ruin your mental being. At the end of the day this isn't about you..You are right, it's about him and him not wanting to change all that he's used to. Whether it be fear of the unknown, fear of change, or fear of the fallout, YOU have a healthy attitude towards this..Keep on that road!

[Alpha Female]

This reeks of desparation. He's having withdrawal and reacting on emotion right now so the best thing you can do for yourself is .. NOT react at all. Words mean NOTHING at this point. He can cry the blues all he wants - But until you see action, this is all meaningless. And, it's ALL about HIM.

 

Go on that trip, have fun, try your best not to let him in your head.

 

Stay strong and please, stay in NC mode with him!

I dont disagree that hes reacting to the withdrawal and pain of regret.

 

Remember though, he doesnt know there is even a chance for us to reconcile. I havent told him that he needs to file and complete his D for us to be together. Right now, hes just missing me/us and remorseful for breakup. He wants to meet and talk.

 

Once I tell him what it will take for this to move forward again, then the real observing of his actions begins. Right now, hes just letting me know he screwed up and wants to make this right.

[Alpha Female]

Good for you for not internalizing this and letting it ruin your mental being. At the end of the day this isn't about you..You are right, it's about him and him not wanting to change all that he's used to. Whether it be fear of the unknown, fear of change, or fear of the fallout, YOU have a healthy attitude towards this..Keep on that road!

 

 

Right! Last week I twisted the rejection into some type of losing to his W. I know now, rationally, thats not what its about.

 

It quite simply comes down to if this man is strong enough to make some tough changes in his life, for what he perceives to be a better life for himself.

 

He has said repeatedly he knows he would have a happier and better life with me. But also adds he doesnt feel he deserves it. Well not much I can do with that at all. If he doesnt feel worthy of happiness, then Im not going to be an enabler and own his issues.

 

If this falls apart completely I will know its not because he didnt love me enough, or chose me, or want me, its because he simply lacked the strength to create a better life for himself.

 

And that makes it easier to make intellectual decisions that arent based on emotions. Also makes it easier for me to move on, because theres not anything I can do to heal him.

[Confused4Now]

Whatever you do don't respond....Having gone NC twice I see my MW doing things to pull me back in. I have not responded. I won't either. She's known my terms and if she can't respect that then she can't respect me. Stay strong cause like everyone has said on this board...he'll be content in getting you back and will just go back to status quo. Life is so short if you think about it.

 

Don't waste anymore of your time.....Go find something fun and healthy and if down the road he's single maybe and then maybe you can try as honest people. NO MORE OW/OM it hurts to just read all these stories.

[Alpha Female]

OK, I just sent him this:

 

Do you really want me back and for us to be together?

 

He replied, "yes!"

 

wrote, ok, you will need to do 3 things.

 

He said, ok.

 

And I replied: 1 - file for divorce. 2 - move out of the house. 3-start seeing your therapist friend (he has a friend who is a psychologist who he has discussed me/us with).

 

I added: there is no way im going back to being your other woman. If you want me enough youll make changes, and if not, then we both move on.

 

OK, its out there. And now I know if it falls apart, its because he chose it this way, and I stood up for myself and did the right thing all the way around.

[whichwayisup]

Has he replied back to what you've said?

 

You did the right thing and now you need to back off and see what happens.

[OWoman]

OK, I just sent him this:

OK, its out there. And now I know if it falls apart, its because he chose it this way, and I stood up for myself and did the right thing all the way around.

 

I'm a big believer in putting it out there upfront and honest. I don't see how else any R can be sustainable and healthy for both parties.

 

Let's hope he can rise to the challenge. If not, he's no great loss.