Question regarding my gf's ex

[jmargel]

Here is the long version, shortened. I'm 29 & she's 26. I met her Nov. of 2002 and we went out as friends. At that time she had a bf who has mistreated her alot. They've been together 8 years (I know a long time) Over that year I showed her how she should be treated, not the neglect, the yelling, the feeling of never being good enough like he used to do to her.

 

Well needless to say I fell in love with her and told her that in July. We were not intimate then, but by the end of September she professed her love for me as well. She then ended it with him and is with me. Of course he's been trying to get her back but she's told me that it would never happen. That she plans on moving in with me after school (in march) and we truly seem really happy together. We never argue and we communicate well.

 

At first she would tell me when he would call, or if she called him.. Two weeks ago her ex's grandmother died (which was like his mom) and he was using that on my gf. She didnt goto the funeral, but sent him a card. I never told her what to do, but certain things do bother me. He still tries to remain close to her family, he still calls her mom & goes out w/ her dad (her parent are divorced). So I still feel like there's some sort of competition. I was suppose to see her family Thanksgiving night, while she was at work. The day before Thanksgiving she mentioned to me that she invited him to come over because he didnt have any family & since his grandmother died she thought that might help. Needless to say I was upset. She later apologized but it still irks me.

 

Last week while she was taking a shower her cell was on the table. I noticed she called him, but didnt say anything to her about it. Well last night things were going really good, and while she was taking a shower I picked up her phone out of curiousity. Yep, there it was again . Another call to him. I asked her 'why did you call him'? and she's like 'Just to see how he was doing' and then didnt say anything else about it. So I just let it drop. She's told me she cares about him as a friend, and granted she could just up & leave me and go back to him but hasn't.

 

Its just I don't know why she wants to keep in contact with him. As far as I know he hasn't called her. I don't want to give her an ultamatium, but somehow need to express that I'm not comfortable with this. But i'm afraid I would start driving her away if I were to say that. Granted I shouldnt have looked at her phone, and she asked me about that. I just shrugged it off say I was bored and was just fooling around w/ her phone.

 

Any advice?

[DonTomaso]

Hi jmargel. I went through a similar situation with my ex-gf, so I might be able to give you a little bit of advice.

 

What good can possibly come out of her still talking with her ex-bf, especially behind your back. If she is committed to your relationship, she must be willing to be flexible on this matter. If you feel like you are walking on eggshells in regards to this subject now, imagine how powerful and how much control she has. That is not a good thing in a relationship.

 

You say you communicate well, but you DO NOT communicate well in regards to this subject. There is a laundry list of reasons why she should not be talking to her ex. I guess the most important reason is that if you feel this way about it now, your feelings will only get stronger, so it's better to nip it in the bud then let it become a bigger problem.

 

She has no reason to be talking to him, like children, so she should let him move forward with his life and vice versa. Why would you want your future with her to be clouded by an ex.

 

I think a card expressing her sympathy was a nice gesture that I would love to get from an ex if a close friend or family member died, but to restart communication completely is inapproriate.

[DonTomaso]

As a follow up, here is the advice on how I think you should handle it. I would not continue to snoop around on her phone, but just tell her that it upsets you that she talked to him and then talk it out from there. Without knowing her reaction to the conversation, I can't really offer any more advice, but if she is not willing to budge, then I would consider an ultimatum. Scroll through some other posts on this forum and check out how many people have encountered problems with their boyfriends or girlfriends exes...

 

If I ever start dating a girl who I find out is still emotionally connected to her ex, I would most likely dump her. I know it's harsh, but it's not worth the headache. There are too many girls out there without that type of baggage.

[jmargel]

It does upset me knowing she still talks to him. About 2 weeks after we were a couple, she mentioned she 'missed' him. I was very upset to say the least, but at least she communicated to me. Gave me the option to either end it with her or to hang in there. I could understand since i've been in a long term relationship before, how you could miss your ex in certain ways, but not want to go back. So I let it at that, and to give it time for closure.

 

As for an ultamatium I can't do that. That wouldn't be fair to her, and I wouldn't want to be with her knowing I was forcing her to do something. I wouldnt want it done to myself. I'm sure if I did that she would take that as a threat and probably leave. I have to learn to trust her which is hard to do knowing the circumstances.

 

When we talk about him, she reassures me that she loves me and wants to be with me. That she is only trying to be friendly to him, and sees he's having a hard time dealing with this. If this continues I am going to have to talk to her about this. As far as I know they talk maybe only once every two weeks, but I'm not certain on that. I already told her that I dont give second chances, so that if she does mess up, its over for good. I'm not into the drama.

 

Its just complicated by the fact that he still tries to stay in her life by talking / spending time w/ her family (which is funny cuz when they were together he didnt want anything to do with them). She told me its his way to trying to get back into her life but she's not gonna let it happen.

 

I guess I'm eventually (fairly shortly) am going to have to have a talk with her about how this is bothering me. She doesnt think its a problem, and its just me being insecure. Maybe a dose of her medicene might be best, and to tell her that an ex of mine has started to call me. But I don't want to play head games. Anyway thanks for your advice so far.

 

By the way, how did she become your ex? Was it related to something like this? And if so how did you handle it?

[DonTomaso]

Yo... It really is amazingly similar to the way my ex-gf acted. After two or three weeks of dating, my ex used those exact same words. She "missed him." To this day, I still think she said it as a test of my true feelings for her, though I can't say this with 100% certainty. I really think it was her way of warning me not to hurt her or else she would hurt me.... which she did when we broke up.

 

She had just graduated from college and was planning a trip to New Zealand for 5 months. She first hinted at this trip early on in our relationship, perhaps also a test. We never really spoke about what we would do when she left. In my mind, our relationship would end. A few weeks before she left, she informed me that she was going to see her ex bf in LA before she left to NZ. I was obviously very upset about this, but felt as though I had no right judging her decision because Ireally did not want to stay together with her. Though we were broken up when she left, we were still very much together and it hurt very much. To add to the pain, she told me that she was going to move to LA upon her return from NZ. Basically, the entore time she was abroad, I agonized over if she was going to get back together with her ex bf upon her return. I did not know if I had been used or if she really cared about me.

 

In retrospect, I realize that I am more than partially to blame for the pain I endured, but I also know she used her ex to hurt me and try to keep me "honest" so to speak.

 

I'm happy to tell you more about my situation if it helps to give you perspectvie on your situation. Just know this, if she has a reason to hurt you in the future, she might use her ex bf to do so...

[jmargel]

Thanks for your reply. Brandy (my gf) as far as I can tell never used her ex to keep me 'honest'. I've always been faithful and she knows I only want her.

 

You said you wanted to end things before she went on the trip? I guess you two have been fighting, etc? The weird thing with us, is that we never argue. Even the year we knew each other (I saw her almost every weekend) we never fought, except when it was about him. He would neglect her time & again, and then try to reel her back in. I got fed up with it & told her what I thought of him & that he was playing these games.

 

She has a big heart, so it could be just that she has good intentions and just wants to see him happy (which she's told me) but that those two could never make it work.

 

One thing that did bother me, is she told me he called like 2 weeks ago, and he asked her if she was gonna marry me. Her reply was 'I dont know'. Im like wtf? And then she said 'I wasn't about to say yes, considering he's going through a hard time w/ his grandmother dying,etc'. I told her then that it seems to me that you don't make it clear to him that we are serious.

 

If I give her an ultamatium she's gonna bolt. I probably would too, not for the fact she wants him back but that I would be controlling & thats the last thing I want to do. I just dont know how to go about it.

[DonTomaso]

Hi again... Actually, by honest I did not mean cheating. I think my ex gf was testing me to make sure I was not using her for sex or the like. I was not using her for sex, I truly loved her companionship; however, I did not see us staying together forever. This was wrong of me. One should never go into a relationship with this attitude and I haved learned from my mistake.

 

My ex and I never argued either... I guess we just broke up...

 

Anyway, this is about you and not me.... so i think you are right about not giving her an ultimatum. As long as your heart is in the right place (mine was not), I think you should be able to work through this with no problem. it sounds like she really cares about you and is a very nice person... Cheers!!!

[sarah12]

Hi,

 

I just went through a similar situation, and yes, I am now out of it. I was just on your end of things, except in my case, the guy broke up with me because he felt so guilty about dating while his ex was not over him. My story is here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t28893/ . I am coping with things now but it is hard because I miss this guy a lot. But I have come to the point where I know it was best to let him go and deal with his baggage. He is over the ex, but has not come to the point where he can fully move on to date again. I am hoping that time will tell whether or not we will be together again. My advice to you is to do the same..otherwise you may be in for a rough ride. Think about it this way, if the both of you are serious about each other, then there is no rush for things. I'm sure she isn't in any rush since she just came out of a long term relationship. She needs time to be on her own for a while so that she can close that chapter in her book in order to get ready for the new one. I'd say give it a few months or so and she should be ready again.

[jmargel]

Hi Sarah,

 

Sorry about your situation, it sounds like you been hurt quite a bit. I can also see some similarities within our circumstances. However reading yours & mine here are the differences:

 

1. I knew her for a year, we were best friends & told each other everything. I was there all the time for her, good & bad.

 

2. We know each other's past. Somethings she wanted to tell me, knowing it could have made me want to bolt. But I didn't, I love her way too much.

 

3. Her & me already had the 'ex' conversation. I point blank asked her who she wants to be with, and she said me. I then also asked her if she still loves him or has feelings for him. She has always told me no. She told me her relationship mainly consisted of him neglecting her, and when he didnt all it was, was sex. They never went out as a couple & did things, etc.. He used her as a trophy. The only place he would take her was to a certain bar where his friends were.

 

4. We had the discussion about cheating, and she knows I will not give second chances. She's aware of this too, because last March I was dating someone for a month, and this girl dropped me for her ex. She called wanting back, but I didn't. It was a trying time for me back then, because I had very strong feeling for my gf back then as well, but it seemed like her situation wasn't going to end she was going to continue to play his games.

 

I mentioned the cell phone incident to her last night, just apologizing for looking at her cell. I mentioned to her that I was not looking for anything in particular. She didn't say much, except to say that 'It doesnt matter, I have nothing to hide'. Perhaps the conversation might come up again tonight. I'm just going to tell her again that I trust her, and trust her on how to deal with the situation of the ex.

 

As for your problem, what does he have to feel guilty about? Sounds like he's not telling you the whole story, especially since you two refused to talk about ex's. To me that's very important, to keep an open line of communication. Yes you will hear somethings that will 'sting' but its better to find out right away, then to wonder & let something like what you went through, happen.

[sarah12]

Ok, I'm just letting you know that you should be careful in these situations. I know you said you are serious, but to me, coming out of an 8 year relationship is something really serious, and going right into another one right away may have its drawbacks for some people.

 

As for your problem, what does he have to feel guilty about?

 

That he hurt his ex by breaking up with her..they were each other's first everythings..and he feels guilty seeing me when she is not over him. I've never had a relationship that long and so I guess I don't understand the "I'm over him but I still care" or whatever business goes on after the long term break up!

[jmargel]

Sarah,

 

Regarding your situation, its not his 'problem' that she is having a hard time getting over him. Sounds like to me, she knows where to pull his heart strings & is winning. If he truly cares & loves you then he would realize what is good for him. Perhaps you two need to goto counciling, for someone who is not in the situation to let him know its ok not to feel bad about what happened.

 

I was with my ex-fiancee for almost 5 years, and even though she put me through hell I still 'care' about her. In that I don't want to be with her, but she was a part of my life so there is always that connection. But my heart is with my girlfriend. What you need to find out is 'why' is he feeling guilty. Why did he leave her, etc..

 

When you get out of a long term relationship majority of the time, there will be a time where you will think 'What if I did this different, etc..' She is going to do whatever she can to get him back, just like my gf's ex is. The only thing we can do is support them & trust them. I have no other option. Yes it does suck, but I knew I was going to have to deal with some issues when I got involved with her. Thats why it's easier for me to talk on here about my concerns & my worries and not let it show my insecurities toward her. All that will do is chase her away.

 

Instead of running after him, do the opposite. Next time you talk to him, tell him you went out with a guy & had a nice time. Just to see his reaction. I bet it'll get him asking questions & thinking quite a bit.

[cdn]

Originally posted by jmargel

Sarah,

 

Regarding your situation, its not his 'problem' that she is having a hard time getting over him. Sounds like to me, she knows where to pull his heart strings & is winning. If he truly cares & loves you then he would realize what is good for him. Perhaps you two need to goto counciling, for someone who is not in the situation to let him know its ok not to feel bad about what happened.

 

Doesn't this apply to your gf as well? It's interesting that you wrote this with such apparent clarity and yet you seem not to recognize the same situation when it's your gf.

 

Counseling may be doubly recommended in your gf's case: 8 years with someone who has mistreated her is bound to have had an impact. Many women are unable to break the cycle of abusive relationships without professional help. And even if the relationship had not been abusive, 8 years is a long time and it would not be surprising, unfortunately, for a rebound relationship after such a long time to not work out.

[jmargel]

Oh that's so true and I have talked to her about that. I think possibly tonight I'm going to ask her how often she talks to him. I am assuming that its only maybe once every week or two. But i'm not certain. She told me her cell bill was outragous last night, which has gotten me suspecious. She only has a cell (no phone in her apartment) and spent 20 hours on it. Granted she talks to me alot. Usually 30 - 60 mins a day so I can't make any assumptions about that.

 

I need to nip this in the bud, but I have to realize too that it was a long term relationship she was in. Its just a touchy situation. I guess it just comes down to whether I trust her enough to let her deal with the situation as she sees best fit.

[DonTomaso]

Regardess, it's great that you are thinking through this now. You obviously care about her very much. If it ever gets to the point when you feel like you want to give her an ultimatum, i would advise strongly against it (I think you already know this). Instead, just bow out graciously and let her work things out.

[sarah12]

Sounds like to me, she knows where to pull his heart strings & is winning. If he truly cares & loves you then he would realize what is good for him. Perhaps you two need to goto counciling, for someone who is not in the situation to let him know its ok not to feel bad about what happened.

 

jmargel - we only dated for a short time. I think we just need a break.I would like to be friends with him and sent him an e-mail last weekend telling him I want to be friends (I really do), but he has yet to reply. I have been very sad about this b/c I know that he is genuinely a nice guy..and that may just be the problem. I don't know..I am very sad right now b/c it is my birthday today and I am still down about this. The full story is on here somewhere..in this section..titled "he feels guilty about hurting the ex". I dont' want to take over your thread here.

 

I think you have things figured out with your girl. You both seem to know where you stand on things. It is true that you have to trust that she will deal with things..and if not..well, you know what to do.

[jmargel]

Happy birthday Sarah! It's his loss that he's not spending it with you. He'll wake up someday. But trust me on this. When he comes crawling back, don't take him in right away. Otherwise he'll know he can do this again & get away with it.

 

As for my situation, she showed me her cell bill last night, cuz it was really high. Alot of 'off-peak' time used. She didnt get a breakdown on the bill, and I told her too. She then said her ex called her quite a bit when his grandmother died, but i'm like 'he talked to you for hours'? I didn't get much of an answer. I then asked her who have you been calling, which she said 'no-one' I know we talk alot on the phone, but not this much. Once she gets this breakdown of the calls, im going to look at it. It was her though that volunteered all this information, I didnt know her cell bill was this high. So perhaps there was a mix-up in the bill. I asked her if he's been calling her, and she said no.

 

I'm 29 & she's 26 and on the way going out last night she kinda shocked me. She's like 'I dont want to freak you out, but i've been thinking about something'. I'm thinking 'oh great, here comes bad news'. She's like 'Ive been thinking for awhile about having a baby sometime' which is great because I really do want one. I told her after we get married. Thing is before when we were just friends & she was w/ her ex, she always told me she didnt want a child. Also she was pregant before (long story) but the baby died during delivery. So that was a horrific event. This means alot that she wants to go through all of that, especially with me. So that was comforting. Perhaps on Saturday I'm going to bring up the phone thing again and see what her reaction is. I'm just going to ask her 'why do you feel the need to call him'. Its just something I need to know.