Why has he changed so much

[nicilak]

I am 25 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we have a 6 month old son together.

 

When i met this guy i had come out of a violent relationship and he promised to treat me like a princess, he talked about children and marriage and much more, however recently he has started to be really selfish.

 

When i found out i was pregnant we were going through a rough patch, he told me to get rid of it and i refused, i told him if he didnt want to stand by me he knew where the door was. He stayed but wasnt supportive at all, i ended up in hospital when i was 6 weeks pregnant because i had hyper emisis - i couldnt keep food or fluid down, he didnt even come to the hospital with me, his excuse was he didnt want to leave the dog on his own! when i went for my first scan he couldnt make it because he was working away, which is understandable but he didnt even come to my second scan because it was too far, all of 6 miles away from where he was working - but he can get time off to pick up parts for his truck etc... when i was towards the end of my pregnancy he still expected me to do all sorts of things, never once told me to relax or have a bit of me time, he would kick off if the house wasnt spick and span.

 

When i had our son, he was their at the birth and was great but when my son was 2 weeks old he decided he would go out drinking at 12 midday and come home at 2am as and when he wanted to. He thought this was fair. When our son was 6 weeks old he decided he didnt know if he wanted to be with me anymore and didnt know if he wanted to be a dad and left, he came back 2 weeks later though and said he would try and make things work.

 

To be honest he is a great dad now but only when i pass our son to him, he has never got up and done one single night feed or changed one nappy since i have had him and still goes out as and when he wants, if i go out i have to wait until 10pm, when our son is in bed and i have got ready. If our son wakes and cries then he makes me come home, i have only been out once since we had him. If i need to go anywhere like the supermarket etc i will ask him to watch our son and he tells me to take him to my mums and pick him up when i have done.

 

I love this guy though, he does alot for me but its all the wrong stuff, he thinks if he spends money on things and fixes my car then that shows he loves us, all i want is a kiss and a cuddle from time to time, some family time instead of him going out with his mates, we never go anywhere and i am getting so low.

 

He wont commit to me and i feel like i am walking on eggshells but am trying to make our relationship work for my sons sake, he says really nasty things like he wont marry me incase someone better comes along etc... if i do something he disagrees with he will lose his temper infront of our son eg i had 2 new tyres put on a car we bought because one of them was really bad, we had had a lot of problems with the car and have got trading standards involved so i kept the tyres to photograph and send to trading standards, when he found out i had the tyres in the car he started shouting at me calling me thick, stupid and useless and threw the remote across the room, i told him he was upsetting our son so he stormed out, came back 4 hours later and told me to put the kettle on as though nothing had happened.

 

Should i stay with this man, i love him with all my heart but i dont know why. Am i wasting my time by hoping he will revert back to the person i fell in love with, does he just not want to be with me, i fear about being on my own with a 6 month old and fear no1 will want to take me and my son on .......

 

Please help xx

[carhill]

What are your resources regarding family and friends?

 

Personally, I'd start working on an independence plan.

[ADF]

I am 25 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we have a 6 month old son together.

 

When i met this guy i had come out of a violent relationship and he promised to treat me like a princess, he talked about children and marriage and much more, however recently he has started to be really selfish.

 

When i found out i was pregnant we were going through a rough patch, he told me to get rid of it and i refused, i told him if he didnt want to stand by me he knew where the door was. He stayed but wasnt supportive at all, i ended up in hospital when i was 6 weeks pregnant because i had hyper emisis - i couldnt keep food or fluid down, he didnt even come to the hospital with me, his excuse was he didnt want to leave the dog on his own! when i went for my first scan he couldnt make it because he was working away, which is understandable but he didnt even come to my second scan because it was too far, all of 6 miles away from where he was working - but he can get time off to pick up parts for his truck etc... when i was towards the end of my pregnancy he still expected me to do all sorts of things, never once told me to relax or have a bit of me time, he would kick off if the house wasnt spick and span.

 

When i had our son, he was their at the birth and was great but when my son was 2 weeks old he decided he would go out drinking at 12 midday and come home at 2am as and when he wanted to. He thought this was fair. When our son was 6 weeks old he decided he didnt know if he wanted to be with me anymore and didnt know if he wanted to be a dad and left, he came back 2 weeks later though and said he would try and make things work.

 

To be honest he is a great dad now but only when i pass our son to him, he has never got up and done one single night feed or changed one nappy since i have had him and still goes out as and when he wants, if i go out i have to wait until 10pm, when our son is in bed and i have got ready. If our son wakes and cries then he makes me come home, i have only been out once since we had him. If i need to go anywhere like the supermarket etc i will ask him to watch our son and he tells me to take him to my mums and pick him up when i have done.

 

I love this guy though, he does alot for me but its all the wrong stuff, he thinks if he spends money on things and fixes my car then that shows he loves us, all i want is a kiss and a cuddle from time to time, some family time instead of him going out with his mates, we never go anywhere and i am getting so low.

 

He wont commit to me and i feel like i am walking on eggshells but am trying to make our relationship work for my sons sake, he says really nasty things like he wont marry me incase someone better comes along etc... if i do something he disagrees with he will lose his temper infront of our son eg i had 2 new tyres put on a car we bought because one of them was really bad, we had had a lot of problems with the car and have got trading standards involved so i kept the tyres to photograph and send to trading standards, when he found out i had the tyres in the car he started shouting at me calling me thick, stupid and useless and threw the remote across the room, i told him he was upsetting our son so he stormed out, came back 4 hours later and told me to put the kettle on as though nothing had happened.

 

Should i stay with this man, i love him with all my heart but i dont know why. Am i wasting my time by hoping he will revert back to the person i fell in love with, does he just not want to be with me, i fear about being on my own with a 6 month old and fear no1 will want to take me and my son on .......

 

Please help xx

 

Sorry for all your trouble. However, the situation you describe is not unusual.

 

Women often assume--reasonably, in my opinion--that a relationship is supposed to deepen as time goes on, that the level of commitment is supposed to increase, and so on. Men often make no such assumption. They are happy to let a loosely defined, semi-serious relationship go on for years and years and years.

 

When you had your baby, you felt your boyfriend should increase his level of commitment to you. He probably felt like you'd gone and ruined a perfectly good thing. Frankly, if he is acting this way after 4 years, he is unlikely to change. Whatever he said at the outset of your relationships, his current behavior is a better indication of how he really feels. Maybe the best you can do is agree to both be there for your son, even if you won;t be there for each other.

[Boundary Problem]

When i found out i was pregnant we were going through a rough patch, he told me to get rid of it and i refused,

 

he came back 2 weeks later though and said he would try and make things work.

 

To be honest he is a great dad now but only when i pass our son to him,

 

If i need to go anywhere like the supermarket etc i will ask him to watch our son and he tells me to take him to my mums and pick him up when i have done.

 

we never go anywhere and i am getting so low.

 

he wont marry me incase someone better comes along etc...

 

he found out i had the tyres in the car he started shouting at me calling me thick, stupid and useless and threw the remote across the room,

 

Am i wasting my time by hoping he will revert back to the person i fell in love with,

 

 

Well the supermarket thing pissed me off. Sometimes all you need is an hour and a half to get some errands done, and it is impossible to do while slugging an infant around especially if it is raining or snowing.

 

I think that he has potential as a dad. I think that once your child is older (can kick a ball around) and if you are supportive that you can encourage them to have a relationship with each other. To his credit he has been very honest with you.

 

The minute somone younger, single, cuter comes along - he will be gone - just like he has already told you. He is not going to marry you. The insults tell us what he really thinks. Just because you love him doesn't mean he is entitled to your time and you helplessly must stay. Do not give him that power over you.

 

I think that you are young right now, but you have an excellent future ahead of you and you deserve happiness.

 

Here is my suggestion - start taking some correspondence courses for something that you know will result in a full-time job for you in your area. Finish high school if you don't already have that. You need a plan, and that plan will include you paying your own bills. If he pays child support down the road, consider that gravy. Get him to pay for a bunch of correspondence courses and quietly work on your independence plan, as Carhill suggested.

 

If he raises a stink about paying for your correspondence courses, then check online to see if there are spousal support obligations in your jurisdiction - he seems like a decent enough guy and tends to meet his obligations if he feels obliged.

 

You are going to need to upgrade your skills and better to keep living with him (he pays bills) and work on coursework (he pays for courses). Start thinking for yourself. Your child is relying upon you to make good decisions here.