Bringing her back into the fold...

[Econ_Dagney]

Hi,

 

So, the problem is both simple and complicated at the same time.

Background: My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years and I am 16 weeks pregnant with our first child.

My husband was divorced for 2 years before we met, but he was still in contact with his ex-wife and her daughter. The ex-wife and step-daughter even spent Christmas with his family the year before he and I started dating. He may have still been sleeping with his ex-wife at that point (Christmas) but that was 6 months before we became involved. When he and I started dating the ex was fine with it, but when we got engaged she freaked out. She basically decided to restrict his access to her daughter anymore and that I was a slut stealing her husband.

 

Once again I would like to reiterate that they were divorced before we met. The ex-wife told my husband that he was a horrible father and that she didn't want her daughter anywhere near us.

 

My husband was actually great to her daughter. He was warm, affectionate, and provided for her financially. I think that the ex-wife was angry because she finally realised what it actually means to be divorced.

 

My husband hasn't seen his step-daughter in over 4 years. He let it go because he had no legal claim to the girl His marriage to his ex was 5 years long, but they only lived in the same house for 1.5 years. They had a whole love-hate thing going on, and she started hating him again when he married me.

 

Things have calmed down since then. The ex-wife sends occasional emails with updates about her daughter. Although she never admitted she was wrong for how she acted before, 2 years ago she asked my husband if he could spend some time with her daughter while he was in town for the holidays (we live in another state). He never contacted his step-daughter that holiday. He didn't want to be dragged into any drama with her mother. The ex gave her daughter my husband's email address afterwards and the 2 have been free to contact each other for the past 2 years. The ex-wife and her daughter email my husband from time to time, but he doesn't respond regularly and he never initiates contact with either of them. The step-daughter sometimes asks for money for school, clothes and Christmas presents, and my husband usually sends her what she asks for. I have had discussions with him about this because I don't feel that sending checks in the mail is the same as parenting. I don't have a problem with him helping her out, I just don't see why he can't be more involved now that the dust has settled with his ex.

Last year we found out that her mother never told her when we got married. He never brought me up in any of their emails because he thought it would be a tricky subject to discuss with a teenager, but he assumed that she knew until she started asking him why things didn't work out with her mom, and making comments about how her mom was single and asking if he still cared about her mother. She thought there was a chance that she could have her family back. Now she knows that we're married and have been for 4 years.Ever since she's gotten the news she's stopped asking for his financial=fatherly help, and has sent these emails about understanding that there's nothing that ties them together anymore. She sent this one email saying that she guesses that she won't get an opportunity to see anyone in his family again.

 

My husband's youngest brother is getting married this weekend. The ex- step-daughter wasn't invited out of respect for me, and that makes me feel like crap because I know that she would have loved to have gone to her "uncle's" wedding. I know that I didn't create this situation because I never excluded her from my husband's family, but what her mother did is hurting her. She feels like my husband and his family just rejected her because he moved on.

 

The problem: I know that the ex-wife realises how she has wronged her daughter by kicking this man out of her life. The step-daughter has written about missing her family (his mother, brothers, sister, and father). She is 16 now and she misses being a part of my husband's family life. Her mother took that away from her. Do I have a right to give her access to his family again? Or, should I just leave things alone.

 

I have been contemplating contacting her mother and asking if she would like to send her daughter to visit with my husband's family just after Christmas. I was hoping that my husband could break the news about my pregnancy to his step-daughter, and offer her a place in the baby's life as like a big sister of sorts. (Is that crossing a line?) Will my kindness backfire?

He was planning on telling the ex-wife and daughter about the pregnancy in emails. I know. I know. It's like he's compartmentalized his whole relationship with them. He could never do that to his own child, but he was so hurt by what the ex-wife did that he just buried his relationship with the both of them.

Anyways, I think it would be good for them (husband and step-daughter) both to see one another again, and I know that she would enjoy seeing his family. Have my pregnancy hormones gone overboard? Or, is this a good idea?

[Boundary Problem]

I think you need to give your husband a kick in the a--. Sounds like he is the only 'father' that she really has. They do have some sort of affection for each other.

 

For a 16 yr old girl she is handling herself exceptionally well. I can't say the same for your husband. She puts herself out there for rejection, and i can't say the same for him.

 

But ultimately you are posting here because you realize that your hands are tied and you are frustrated. You cannot move this forward until your husband re-engages in the relationship with the 16 yr old girl.

 

He has to put the girl's needs ahead of his fear of drama with his ex. He needs to compromise, and let go of his fears and need for control.

 

Your pregnancy is not even an issue here. But congratulations, and hopefully you are getting lots of rest.

 

(that is my opinion - but there are different ways to look at this)

Edited November 10, 2009 by Boundary Problem

[quankanne]

the last thing he wants or needs is to be a hands-off daddy. Believe me, it'll bite him in the *ss, and he's going to regret letting so much time slip away when he and his daughter start forging a true relationship – my sister's kids are now in their 30s and they have a rather complicated relationship with their dad (sis's ex husband). Not because he didn't love them, but because he didn't know how to reach out to them, and THEY interpreted it as "Dad doesn't love us."

 

I think you've got a very generous heart by wanting to reach out, so keep encouraging your husband to build his relationship with his daughter. If you must, use the "But I want our child to know his/her sister, and for her to know him/her, too." He might fight it initially, but when all is said and done, he won't regret rebuilding a relationship with her.

[Econ_Dagney]

So, my husband sent his ex-wife's daughter a letter, along with her Christmas presents, telling her about the pregnancy. The ex-step-daughter replied with an email the same day saying that she was happy for us, but she also told her mom just as I predicted she would. Well, her mother (my husband's ex-wife) sent my husband some really angry/confusing emails about how she felt about my pregnancy. As if we care what she thinks, but anyways...

 

First she tried to make him feel guilty about it because she can't have kids or sex which is not his fault. She had problems down there for years and had to have a hysterectomy after the divorce, she also found sex painful so never had a lot of it with him. Then, she tried to lay a guilt trip on him for not emailing her daughter more regularly saying how she's at a crucial age and complains to her mom about it. Her daughter is not my husband's biological child. He never adopted her and has only known her for like 10 years, but he's the only father-figure she has ever known. The girl doesn't have a relationship with her father because her mother never told her who he was until she was in high school.

Okay, so then the ex-wife concluded that email by telling my husband that she'd always love him and care about him, but that she definitely didn't want him back. Who says that unless they actually do want the other person back? I mean seriously.

Then, when he replied to the ex-wife's previous email, ignoring all the insults and her comments about always loving him, and promised to be better about emailing her daughter; she sent a slightly less nasty reply once again making about her. This time she said that when he ignored her criticisms he only made things worse, wrote about how busy she was with school (she's going to college now and I think it's because she thinks it will impress him..when he got married to me she used to send him emails about how she always knew they wouldn't work out because she didn't have an education. When the real reason they didn't work out was because he got tired of her narcissism and drama).

And, she concluded the email by telling him about how her daughter keeps bugging her about a car. Now, she didn't come right out and ask him to buy her daughter a car, but how many of you out there agree that this is what she is hinting at? I believe that she is trying to use my pregnancy to guilt my husband into buying her daughter a used car, but it's not going to happen. We are expecting a child, I am in graduate school, and we are looking for a house; so there is no money for a car for her 16 year old daughter.

And, who thinks the ex-wife wants him back?

I'm not threatened by her. I know that my husband is not interested in her at all, but it still bothers me that she's even trying this crap. And, I hate that she's trying to make him feel guilty for moving on with his life. They've been divorced for like 6 years now, and he and I have been together for 4.5 years (married 2.5). When is she going to let go of this bitter ex routine? Should I contact her to tell her to back off? Or, do I let it go? I do trust my husband. He's not attracted to her destructive personality in any way any more, and even if he was attracted to her they could never act on it because she can't have sex without pain. I just think it's incredibly disrespectful of her to make my pregnancy all about her, and I know that he's not going to set her straight because he feels sorry for her. The woman has a lot of emotional baggage/issues and he treats her like she's this poor helpless invalid which I find completely frustrating. I just want to tell her to mind her manners and remember that he is now happily married to me!

Pregnancy hormones are really getting me in the curse her out and make her cry kind of mood. Will someone talk me down or should I go for it?

[Econ_Dagney]

Just in case anyone is wondering what happened, I didn't act on the impulse. I'm not really certain how to deal with the ex, and I know that expecting her to act rationally is unrealistic. Rational people act rationally. Narcissistic drama queens think that everything is about them. I shouldn't have expected his ex-wife to respond to the news with a maturity level that she has yet to attain.