Do abusers or bullies ever shown true remorse...

[samsungxoxo]

for what they put their victims through. I'm talking about real remorse where they learned what they did was horrible and never do it ever again?

 

As you can tell, I will mainly post on a cheater's remorse story rather than abuser's regret. Cheating is one thing that can be changed but with abuse, that's something you'll have to dig up as early as their life, what led to that, ect.. Something in within themselves that is almost impossible to change.

 

But what I don't get is. Ok let's say an abuser writes how he/she is sorry it happened but then later on does it again. I don't think so, because you would have learned already base on how you seen your victim's reaction.

[Crusoe]

I have known some exceptionally nasty, violent and abusive men in my time and can say that yes, some do eventually (decades later) show true absolute remorse for the things they have done in the past. Infact some can barely live with the guilt and shame of their past actions, but I have seen very few who are capable of never abusing again. For many, it is just in them.

[samsungxoxo]

I guess so, it can happen but as for me, no way would I risk my life dating a man that has had a violent past and was abusive to someone else.

 

One thing for sure is that they are less likely to move on to another relationship, if possible, hardly ever. That will creep out anyone on a date.

[sally4sara]

One usually has been exposed to real abuse to become an abuser, but not always. That is why I think a lot of what makes some people abusive is hormonal.

People who take steroids have become violent despite having never been so before and not coming from an abusive environment.

 

I do come from an abusive family. As a teen girl, I was extremely violent. This carried over into my early 20s. Then I got pregnant and gave birth. The urge immediately became so slight compared to before and must be physically provoked to trigger it out of me now. I feel either nothing or a sad emotion where as before I would have flown into a rage. To me, that speaks to something hormonal that promoted the abuse I experienced.

[Ross PK]

for what they put their victims through. I'm talking about real remorse where they learned what they did was horrible and never do it ever again?

 

As you can tell, I will mainly post on a cheater's remorse story rather than abuser's regret. Cheating is one thing that can be changed but with abuse, that's something you'll have to dig up as early as their life, what led to that, ect.. Something in within themselves that is almost impossible to change.

 

But what I don't get is. Ok let's say an abuser writes how he/she is sorry it happened but then later on does it again. I don't think so, because you would have learned already base on how you seen your victim's reaction.

 

I think some of them who say they're sorry are truely sorry, but they do it again, because, they just snap, they're just too full of rage.

[carhill]

Generally, when they realize they have brief seconds to live, flashes of remorse course through their brains just prior to the oxygen getting cut off. I think everyone should be allowed a few moments of weakness

[Ross PK]

I guess so, it can happen but as for me, no way would I risk my life dating a man that has had a violent past and was abusive to someone else.

 

That's really good to hear samsung.

[samsungxoxo]

I think some of them who say they're sorry are truely sorry, but they do it again, because, they just snap, they're just too full of rage.

Completely true... That stays within their personality, nothing you can do about it unless one's a masochist... LOL......

[Taramere]

I think people who lose their temper and become abusive in stressful situations will commonly be remorseful.

 

Often you hear about habitual abusers who actively groom other people for abuse. I don't suppose they're capable of remorse if they're totally entrenched in a belief that they are absolutely correct - and that everyone else who disagrees with them is just stupid. Someone who sexually abuses children, for instance, and who has a core belief that this is okay; that it's simply society which is narrow minded about such things.

 

If you start thinking you need anything from a habitually abusive person - such as an apology, or an admission of unacceptable behaviour, then you're allowing them far too much control. You're also holding out for something that will not be genuine, in the unlikely event that you do get it. All you really need from an abusive person is distance.

Edited November 11, 2009 by Taramere

[deux ex machina]

I think some of them who say they're sorry are truely sorry, but they do it again, because, they just snap, they're just too full of rage.

 

For all too many it's just plain selfishness and a sense of entitlement.

Other things too, of course.

 

As Taramere said, there are certain core beliefs that would seem to preclude a truly remorseful response.

 

If a person has a mindset that is so overwhelming selfish - others simply do not factor in. Their experiences, needs, and desires matter little, if at all.

 

Combined that with an extreme sense of entitilement, and you really have a recipe for a person that thinks it is perfectly alright to run right over a person.

 

The other person is essentially a non-entity once it gets to a certain point, and the sense of entitlement leads to a "how dare you?" response to anything that contradicts what the person with an abusive mentality thinks the other person "should" do or be (according to them).

 

No one can win with an abusive person.

You can never do enough, there is no satisfying, it's never enough.

 

They may have a moment of clarity, but following through on that with true, lasting change is exceeding rare. It requires a lot of work.

 

When you really stop and think about it - 9/10, this behavior is working out fine for them - when they view it all through the distorted lense they view their relationships through. So where's their motivation?

 

They get what they want through this behavior in a lot of ways.

And isn't that the most important thing? Themselves?

 

What would such a person have to be remorseful about?

[heysenberg]

One thing for sure is that they are less likely to move on to another relationship, if possible, hardly ever. That will creep out anyone on a date.

 

You do realize that many abusive men are charming and get many dates right?

Looks are just looks...

[hoping2heal]

This post struck me as very ironic. I am not talking about your cheating, but some of the things you have openly spoken about doing i.e leading men on emotionally and laughing at how "stupid" they are to believe you and think you want to meet them and have something with them..I would say that's a very, very abusive action. The man, who's marriage you were trying to ruin with lies because he didn't like you as a person; is that not being a bully?

 

You asked if they were sorry..you went on further to say, that you don't think so because they should of learned from their victims' reaction (paraphrasing). So, I'm not sure..have the people you have been this way too not reacted "Stronly" enough for you? Are you just plain unaware that you are doing this to others?

[n8vluv]

i believe abusers and bullies are totally different things. bullies would show remorse, way later but they're just stupid anyways. abusers do have remorse, though they would only show it to certain people. however, they keep doing it because thats just how they're programmed. you gotta be a certain kind of person to deal with each indivdual abuser without getting beat up.

 

my best friend is like this. he knows that putting even one hand on his gf is wrong, but he just can't not do it. his temper acts up, can't control himself. then the booze don't help either. he's like that with pretty much everybody though. not me. from what i've learned about him from his family it's really unusual. he's had friends who were chicks and he ended up treating them like any other girl- snapping at them and shunning them after a few weeks. turn them into one-nighters... and his dude friends, he just flips and they walk away or get into a massive fight with him.

 

now, any other man, even my bf (cuz he's an emotional abuser), i can't calm down. i can't really deal with them so i don't. but charlie is different. i can calm him down. i really don't know why this is, but he listens to me when he will listen to no one else. i think it's partially because of the day we met. i couldn't say for certain. see, he totally snapped on me the first time we met. i made him talk about it me and after that we chilled and he told me everything. pisses his gf off, but there's nothing i can do about that. i tried to help her help him and help herself but she will not listen. i evn tried to help her w/o her realizing i was helping her, but it never worked as well as with me.

 

anyways. abusers need therapy. i shouldn't even be doing this with my bf. chances are he'll snap on me again one day. but for now its working. and he does show that remose to me. but not to anyone else.

 

of course, it all depends on their envirnment. i mean, the region they are from, or living in. in chalries case, we live on the rez. men are trying to be warriors again and it isn't happening. socioeconomic factors are always a factor in abusive men.

Edited November 19, 2009 by n8vluv
I needed to add something.

[deux ex machina]

If the police came into the room as he was abusing his gf would he stop himself then? So he wouldn't go to jail?

[threebyfate]

IMO, abusers and bullies are identical personality types. Saccharine sweet one minute, shoveling out abuse the next. It's a never-ending cycle of either emotional or physical abuse, with the sole intention of cowing the individuals that they attempt to leverage off of, by force.

 

As for remorse, I don't think there's real remorse, in that "never do it again" variety. I think there's sometimes a form of remorse, in that they fear being abandoned by the victim, hence the saccharine sweet nature of the up-cycle. But...sure as shyte, there WILL BE a down cycle.

[Malenfant]

there are the types, who are sweet, caring people, but there is a switch inside them, and when it is triggered, it flips them over to a behaviour like you would not believe.

 

I cant remember the actual name but it is a psycological condition, which usually stems from suffering some major mental trauma.

often, these people have no recollection of the violence and are shocked when they are told what they have done.

 

This is totally different to people who are generally abusive and enjoy hurting others.

 

All types of abusive people should be avoided IMO. it doesnt really matter why someone is abusive, and although these people are to be pitied (as they obviously have something wrong with them) they should not be pitied to the point of trying to help them and your own risk.

thats for the doctors and the therapists to do, they get paid for it.

[samsungxoxo]

You do realize that many abusive men are charming and get many dates right? Looks are just looks...

Unless the girl is absent-minded about the early signs in the start of the relationship. It does not begin with hitting, it often includes emotional/psychological damage and then it becomes physical. It's the person that's so wrongfully attached to the abuser that's also the problem. It takes one to abuse and another one to keep staying with the abuser.

Out of the whole world population, there are more people that would get away from the abuser, not look back again versus the few doormats with personal issues that puts up with it...

[samsungxoxo]

This post struck me as very ironic. I am not talking about your cheating, but some of the things you have openly spoken about doing i.e leading men on emotionally and laughing at how "stupid" they are to believe you and think you want to meet them and have something with them..I would say that's a very, very abusive action.

Just clarifying some things before you start digging up an already dead thread of mine. First, I did not cheat and wouldn't go off meeting X when I'm in a relationship and I'm not a freak that things every single fantasy related thing never acted out in real life is cheating. I got nothing to be remorseful about in my relationship, I'm committed. Second, I clearly mentioned on my thread how I stopped laughing at those men. Yes may there are few of them that must be wondering why I never answered back. Again it's been a while since I stopped doing that. You don't have to go rub it in my face again. And third, try not hijacking the thread. I asked a question, didn't ask you to rub things in my face.

The man, who's marriage you were trying to ruin with lies because he didn't like you as a person; is that not being a bully?

He was bullying me online first. He started, that's why I first thought he deserved it. But it's like I got too many things in life, he's already boring.

You asked if they were sorry..you went on further to say, that you don't think so because they should of learned from their victims' reaction (paraphrasing). So, I'm not sure..have the people you have been this way too not reacted "Stronly" enough for you? Are you just plain unaware that you are doing this to others?

Who reacted? I'm not aware of anyone accusing me of being abusive. I'm liked at work and almost everywhere I go.

As far as learning from the victim's reaction yes obviously. For example if a kid saw his father hitting the mother and was later on beaten too, then he should know better that was know. He didn't like seeing mommy getting beaten, it was horrible what was done to him as a kid and yet learns nothing but does the same to someone else that has nothing to do with what happened to him at the time?? That's upsetting. I'm sure there are abused people that grow up, become better and don't do to others what they didn't like being done on them...

[GorillaTheater]

This post struck me as very ironic. I am not talking about your cheating, but some of the things you have openly spoken about doing i.e leading men on emotionally and laughing at how "stupid" they are to believe you and think you want to meet them and have something with them..I would say that's a very, very abusive action. The man, who's marriage you were trying to ruin with lies because he didn't like you as a person; is that not being a bully?

 

I'm so glad someone brought this up. Add to that the "lol" she threw out on LS as she was recounting the time she hit her mom.

 

OP, what are you doing to address your own abusiveness and bullying?

[amberpearl]

She hit her mother?

[GorillaTheater]

She hit her mother?

 

Nice try, but I saw the original answer.

 

I'm seriously wondering about you, kid.

[samsungxoxo]

I'm so glad someone brought this up. Add to that the "lol" she threw out on LS as she was recounting the time she hit her mom.

 

OP, what are you doing to address your own abusiveness and bullying?

That was 3 long years ago. I was 19 years old. Now I'm 22. And well if I was throwing this is because some people think it's ok to hit their growing kids just because of any bad words thrown on them? I recall this woman (not sure what her sn was) but she stated on having no regret on hitting her teenage daughter that was bad-mouthing her and she slapped her in the face. Hitting just over words?? Damn, what a trashy mother. At least work it out or walk away. But if you have to resort to hitting a kid to get their attention, esp. a teenager then you lost. A teenager can hit back too, who knows....

In my case it was just retaliation. She hit me and I hit her back. But like I stated, it's been 3 years ago and it's not like it was a beating or anything. Just a light slap/tap, nothing worth crying about. Then again, she's a very emotional person.

[Hedgewitch]

I've enjoyed this thread, I'm in a similar situation with a husband with an anger problem as well.

I have to say this for the record though.

I, myself used to have an anger problem.

As a teen/young adult I've

- hit my mother

- gotten into countless random fights

- physically and emotionally abused boyfriends (example: I broke my boyfriend's nose when he didn't come home one night)

- I MUGGED people.

- I was JAILED for an assault that nearly KILLED someone

 

I was a loose cannon then but now, years later, I deeply regret my actions and have NEVER gone back to any of these behaviors.

I have not thrown a fist out of anger in 7 years now.

I will defend myself and my family but situations like those don't come up very often and I don't aggress like I used to.

When I am angry I steel myself. My nerve impulses twitch and I often feel the urge to scrap, scream, beat or whatever but I DON'T.

People CAN change. Where there used to be anger in me there is now peace and logic.

It's ironic that I ended up with an man who has an escalating anger problem isn't it.

If anyone can help him, I can.

People Can change in my personal opinion. Obviously.

[Woggle]

I was never a bully but I do regret many of the fights I was involved in when I was younger. I look back and wonder what was the point. I was more the type to go up to the school bully and beat the crap out of him though instead of bullying those weaker than me. At the time it felt right but how was I any better than he was?

 

I don't know if you can consider this abuse but I very much do regret the utterly paranoid behavior I displayed towards my wife early in our relationship. I don't want to be that mistrusting guy who keep a woman prisoner because he trust issues.

[samsungxoxo]

I was never a bully but I do regret many of the fights I was involved in when I was younger. I look back and wonder what was the point. I was more the type to go up to the school bully and beat the crap out of him though instead of bullying those weaker than me. At the time it felt right but how was I any better than he was?

Understandable. I was picked on constantly from grade to my middle school years. But there was a time, I would get into fights with some girls that would insult me. I had enough of the teasing but nope, that didn't stop them from emotionally/verbally bullying me. In that time, I think I would have rather prefer a punch in the face than those insults every single day. It's more easier to get over physical bullying than the others forms I think. With physical, you can always fight back and beat them but with words and your emotions played, you can't do nothing about it...