2 cheaters and a beater...

[taraleigh]

I'm 33 and have been divorced twice. They both cheated on me. The first hubby to this day still denies it, but the signs were there--especially when the baby popped out. The second hubby and I are actually friends and agree what happened happened.

 

I just left my b/f of almost two years two weeks ago tomorrow. He was so different from the other guys and I should have left a long time ago. He used drugs and drank an awful lot. He was also physically and emotionally abusive. To the point where I will have scars on my body from him. I gave this man everything! I paid his and our bills. I supported him when he lost his job--he couldn't even be bothered to wish me luck on my new job. I lost family and friends because of him (we've all since reconciled). I cooked and cleaned, I woke-up an hour or so before I actually had to to pack his lunch--when he had a job. I know I wasn't perfect, I do have a short temper. I just wish the pain would stop. Especially with him because he did hurt me so bad.

 

Why is this one so hard? I don't remember crying over the other two quite so much. And, am I destined to only date losers?

 

My new mantra is "2 cheaters and a beater I'm done." The thing is, all I've ever wanted was to be a mom and wife. Is that so bad?

 

Any advice? And please don't say counseling, after leaving him I had to move back in with mom and dad...at 33. I have no extra money since I have to play catch-up on my bills.

[jlr]

I know you said not to say counseling, but I think that'd be a good place to start.

 

There seems to be a pattern here. I think maybe you need to work on you and your self-confidence. Maybe there's a reason you keep picking *******s. I know I picked some trouble in my life, and I've come to learn that maybe I was doing that because I didn't believe I could do better.

 

But I can.

 

And so can you...

[taraleigh]

I've always had low self esteem. But, before him I was getting there in thinking that I'm a good person. He tore me down. Getting back there is going to be a hard climb. Thank you for the kind words.

[jlr]

It will be difficult. But you can do it. Surround yourself with people who care about you - family, friends, this forum, etc. You're gonna be ok.

 

And one day, you're gonna meet someone who's going to appreciate you.

 

Hang in there.

[AliveAndKicking]

Hi TaraLeigh!

 

Emotional abuse is VERY difficult to recover from. There is usually an addictive componant to the relationship which makes it very difficult to leave and subsequently recover from. I know from experience as I'm not ashamed to say it- I was emotionally and mentally abused for quite a few years. It took me a LONG time to get out and it is taking me a long time to recover as well.

 

I never thought I would see a day where I would feel a need to enlist the help of a therapist in recovering from a relationship but here i am! I strongly advise you to keep an open mind to the idea. It has helped me tremendously in just a short time. I very much look forward to each appointment. I come out feeling stronger, wiser, and more well-armed against future problems.

 

The scars from emotional abuse run deep and take a long time to heal. Our self-esteem really takes a hit and we come away wondering what the hell is wrong with US! Emotional abusers are masters of twisting and turning things around on us like that as well as beating our self-worth into the dirt. It takes real effort to undo the damage and unlearn their lies.

 

Thanks for posting so openly here- that takes courage. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and recognise some of the challenges you are now facing. I'm glad to hear that you are living in a place safe from further abuse and are resigned to get past it all. Good for you!

 

Stick around, post as needed, and start taking care of someone you love and care about right now: You!

 

It will get better as you keep on working at it.

 

You can do it!

[taraleigh]

Thank you for making me feel so welcome and the kind words.

 

Above all I would love for him to apologize for ruining me and my life. I know this will never happen and that's something I need to deal with as well.

[AliveAndKicking]

Thank you for making me feel so welcome and the kind words.

 

Above all I would love for him to apologize for ruining me and my life. I know this will never happen and that's something I need to deal with as well.

 

I know that feeling well!

 

You want a sense of justice or at least wish that your abuser would recognize and validate the damage they have done to you. About the closest I've gotten from my ex is "I'm sorry about everything" and "I wish I could take your pain away". That's pathetic, isn't it? I'd rather not even heard that as is just rubs salt into the wounds. It minimizes the damage she has done to me. It trivializes it. It mocks my damage, it mocks my pain, and it mocks "me".

 

You are very wise to realize that no apology will be forthcoming. You are also very wise to understand that it is your job to find the closure, the justice, the healing that you need.

 

It is hard, it is painful, and it is going to take some serious time and effort to reach the point where one's abuser doesn't matter any more. You'll make it- I can tell.

 

Thanks for sharing so openly. I'm glad you're here.

 

We'll make it, huh?

 

You bet we will!

[taraleigh]

I know that feeling well!

 

You want a sense of justice or at least wish that your abuser would recognize and validate the damage they have done to you. About the closest I've gotten from my ex is "I'm sorry about everything" and "I wish I could take your pain away". That's pathetic, isn't it? I'd rather not even heard that as is just rubs salt into the wounds. It minimizes the damage she has done to me. It trivializes it. It mocks my damage, it mocks my pain, and it mocks "me".

 

You are very wise to realize that no apology will be forthcoming. You are also very wise to understand that it is your job to find the closure, the justice, the healing that you need.

 

It is hard, it is painful, and it is going to take some serious time and effort to reach the point where one's abuser doesn't matter any more. You'll make it- I can tell.

 

Thanks for sharing so openly. I'm glad you're here.

 

We'll make it, huh?

 

You bet we will!

 

 

Those are the kindest words I've heard in a long time. Thank you thank you.