Mel001 Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 That's what I am in the eyes of men, I can't explain their behaviour towards me in any other way I've been single for the last two and a half years and I've yet to find a boyfriend. I'm very good looking, I'm high educated, I have a bloody good job as an engineer, I play music on my spare time. So, the only thing I can think of that is wrong with me is that I'm an easy tart. Guys are all over me, trying to catch me, waiting when my flings will finish so that they get to f**k me. Then, I do that, and then it's the usual "you're pretty, nice, smart but I can't stop thinking of my ex, I'm sorry..." I've heard it so many times. Why is it so acceptable for men to not be able to resist to sex, but women should? So, that's what we should and what we shouldn't do, and according to these rules I am a tart and a whore, noone wants me and I hate myself for doing what I feel like doing. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 So...? You do have choices, you know. Either abstain from sex until you know they're not in it for the chase, or just lie back and enjoy it. Where's your dilemma? What are you complaining about exactly? In the eyes of men.... or in your own? Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 It seems to me she's complaining about being a whore. hmmmm Her word, not mine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mel001 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Share Posted November 10, 2009 It seems to me she's complaining about being a whore. hmmmm Her word, not mine. Yes exactly, not an easy thing to realise about oneself. But yes, ok, I know. "do something about it"... Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 Yes exactly, not an easy thing to realise about oneself. But yes, ok, I know. "do something about it"... I understand. And when you put it out there on the internet, it's more apparent what the problem is. And the problem is not that you are a "whore". It's that you sleep with men too soon. Constantly. And that's eaten away your self-esteem, unless it was already suffering. That's what *I* get from the little you've said... but it's just an assumption. Maybe you can share more with us on all this? We ARE actually here to listen and help if we can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mel001 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Share Posted November 10, 2009 I understand. And when you put it out there on the internet, it's more apparent what the problem is. And the problem is not that you are a "whore". It's that you sleep with men too soon. Constantly. And that's eaten away your self-esteem, unless it was already suffering. That's what *I* get from the little you've said... but it's just an assumption. Maybe you can share more with us on all this? We ARE actually here to listen and help if we can. It's just that I cannot understand this whole thing about sleeping with a man too early. I cannot understand it because we women see it in another way. If men are sleeping with us too early then we don't lose interest or think that they are "manwhores". But I have now realised that this is the case with men. In the beginning I thought that it was an exception, then it happened again and then again and again. So, now I've come to realise that I'm one of the "whores", the easy one. They just lose interest at some point. And they don't give a sh*t about me after it. I can understand how they view me now... Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 It's just that I cannot understand this whole thing about sleeping with a man too early. I cannot understand it because we women see it in another way. If men are sleeping with us too early then we don't lose interest or think that they are "manwhores". But I have now realised that this is the case with men. In the beginning I thought that it was an exception, then it happened again and then again and again. So, now I've come to realise that I'm one of the "whores", the easy one. They just lose interest at some point. And they don't give a sh*t about me after it. I can understand how they view me now... THIS: Either abstain from sex until you know they're not in it for the chase, or just lie back and enjoy it. Because really it does little to complain about it. We've complained about it for a long time, I think. How woman can't sleep with multiple partners without being judged as a whore, but men can have multiple partners and not be so harshly judged. In MY opinion, it's OUR fault... the woman's. We give it up too easy. All we can do is not give it up easy, make them work for it. Why? Because we value what we have and who we are. What we have and who we are is a gift, and they are going to have to earn it. Embrace your value. Make him want it. Sure he may go to someone else, but then he's not meant for you. The right one will pursue. That's how I see it. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 Oh for goodness' sake. Do you enjoy the sex, or not? do you like what happens to you? Why are you beating yourself up over this? Like I said - you have the choice - either stop it - because you DON'T like it, or DON'T stop it - because you do. But there's no reason for you to beat yourself up about it. There is no blame here. Guys like sex, because women - beautiful women, brainy women, intelligent women - excite them. They're a challenge, because they have looks AND grey matter between the ears. men love sex. Women like sex too... but we always think it has to be deeeep, meaningful, emotional, committed..... there's a whole load of fun to be had if we just go for the 'abandon all inhibitions' route... When you finish sex, get up and leave... say, as you swing out the door - "That was great honey - next time I need a good time, I'll be sure to call you.... remind me of your name, again....?" But if you're not that kinda confident gal - if it goes against the grain, and you simply can't do that - then, make the other choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mel001 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Share Posted November 10, 2009 THIS: Because really it does little to complain about it. We've complained about it for a long time, I think. How woman can't sleep with multiple partners without being judged as a whore, but men can have multiple partners and not be so harshly judged. In MY opinion, it's OUR fault... the woman's. We give it up too easy. All we can do is not give it up easy, make them work for it. Why? Because we value what we have and who we are. What we have and who we are is a gift, and they are going to have to earn it. Embrace your value. Make him want it. Sure he may go to someone else, but then he's not meant for you. The right one will pursue. That's how I see it. I guess it's how things work...I can't accept the "it's our fault" cause it's not a fault when you do something that you like doing and feel like doing. But it's the taboo. And if this is how it works and I can't change it then I will try the opposite and see if it works. It's just that I can't explain it logically why it works like that. And why men don't make a "fault" ever by giving it too early. Something is not right, unexplainable...but since this is how it is, I'll leave my "engineering" way of thinking and try to follow the taboo...I don't have any other choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mel001 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Share Posted November 10, 2009 Oh for goodness' sake. Do you enjoy the sex, or not? do you like what happens to you? Why are you beating yourself up over this? Like I said - you have the choice - either stop it - because you DON'T like it, or DON'T stop it - because you do. But there's no reason for you to beat yourself up about it. There is no blame here. Guys like sex, because women - beautiful women, brainy women, intelligent women - excite them. They're a challenge, because they have looks AND grey matter between the ears. men love sex. Women like sex too... but we always think it has to be deeeep, meaningful, emotional, committed..... there's a whole load of fun to be had if we just go for the 'abandon all inhibitions' route... When you finish sex, get up and leave... say, as you swing out the door - "That was great honey - next time I need a good time, I'll be sure to call you.... remind me of your name, again....?" But if you're not that kinda confident gal - if it goes against the grain, and you simply can't do that - then, make the other choice. Look, i'm definately not stupid, and I have certainly a brain of my own, a very engineering brain. Of course I know and I have thought about it before, that the two choices are these. How can I make you understand then that it's not as easy as you describe to choose one. Would you say to someone, "well if you like smoking, then continue smoke and stop worrying about gettinga lung cancer. if you are worrying then go cold turkey, simple as that". Go as the smoker then how easy it is for them to stop smoking just because you said it's so easy. And go ask the smoker how easy it is for them to go all "robotic" and "emotionless" and smoke without having any worries. If it was THAT easy I wouldn't be here crying my brains out to people I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 (edited) Women like sex too... but we always think it has to be deeeep, meaningful, emotional, committed..... there's a whole load of fun to be had if we just go for the 'abandon all inhibitions' route... When you finish sex, get up and leave... say, as you swing out the door - "That was great honey - next time I need a good time, I'll be sure to call you.... remind me of your name, again....?" But if you're not that kinda confident gal - if it goes against the grain, and you simply can't do that - then, make the other choice. Ahhh... this is where we part. Not all of us are on THAT journey. My journey is meaningful, even if yours isn't. And if I die alone with 10 cats that's fine with me! lol. I can't stand meaninglessness. Tried it. Couldn't do it. So I'm the kind of confident woman who values things. Edited November 10, 2009 by Ms. Joolie Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 I guess it's how things work...I can't accept the "it's our fault" cause it's not a fault when you do something that you like doing and feel like doing. When you do something that you like doing and you feel like doing, then that's a choice. When you do something that you like doing and you feel like doing, and you continue to do it even if it hurts you, then it's a fault. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 Look, i'm definately not stupid, and I have certainly a brain of my own, a very engineering brain. Of course I know and I have thought about it before, that the two choices are these. How can I make you understand then that it's not as easy as you describe to choose one. Why not? Would you say to someone, "well if you like smoking, then continue smoke and stop worrying about gettinga lung cancer. if you are worrying then go cold turkey, simple as that". Yes, I would. I have done. Because that really is the basic simplicity of their choice. Which choice they make, is theirs. Go as the smoker then how easy it is for them to stop smoking just because you said it's so easy. I never said doing it was easy. I said choosing was easy. But then, you have to make that effort. And go ask the smoker how easy it is for them to go all "robotic" and "emotionless" and smoke without having any worries. Smoking isn't about an emotional desire, though, is it? Smoking is about giving up a substance that is deliberately laced with addictive substances, put there by the manufacturers to keep you addicted. it's a chemical dependency. Are you trying to equate your situation with a serious chemical dependency?? If it was THAT easy I wouldn't be here crying my brains out to people I don't know. Like I said, the CHOICE is easy. Which one you make - and how you implement it - is down to your own willpower and desire to change. or not. As your case may be. Ahhh... this is where we part. Not all of us are on THAT journey. My journey is meaningful, even if yours isn't. And if I die alone with 10 cats that's fine with me! lol. I can't stand meaninglessness. Tried it. Couldn't do it. So I'm the kind of confident woman who values things. You and me both. What I'm actually trying to say is that there are no stereotypes... There are men who cannot have sex outside a deep meaningful relationship. And there are women who can pick 'em, chew 'em up and spit 'em out. What I'm saying is that whatever we do, should be because we like it, enjoy it and don't have anxieties about it, imposed by our own conditioned self-imposed guilt..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mel001 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Share Posted November 10, 2009 When you do something that you like doing and you feel like doing, then that's a choice. When you do something that you like doing and you feel like doing, and you continue to do it even it it hurts you, then it's a fault. Yes, ok I get what you're telling me. I just don't get why it should hurt in the first place. Cause sure, it hurts, and I will give it a try to stop doing what I like doing and feel like doing. But on the same time, I feel that the whole thing is unfair. And that the choices are to either become a "tart" or to shut it and fight. Satisfaction zero... Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 Yes, ok I get what you're telling me. I just don't get why it should hurt in the first place. Cause sure, it hurts, and I will give it a try to stop doing what I like doing and feel like doing. But on the same time, I feel that the whole thing is unfair. And that the choices are to either become a "tart" or to shut it and fight. Satisfaction zero... What I'm saying is that whatever we do, should be because we like it, enjoy it and don't have anxieties about it, imposed by our own conditioned self-imposed guilt..... And that's what it's all about. Our own personal satisfaction, our own personal fulfillment. It's a choice. Are we going to value sex inside a relationship or not? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mel001 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Share Posted November 10, 2009 Why not? It is not easy to make the choice, because I want both. So I am in a dilemma - simple. Yes, I would. I have done. Because that really is the basic simplicity of their choice. Which choice they make, is theirs. So, you can see that it is actually not so giving to try and tell some people a problem. Why do you assume that someone will not have thought about the choices before? The actual problem of all the frustration is make the choice and fight for it. To tell someone that "oh for god's sake, you either do this or that, stop being pathetic" is not a solution or a constructive criticism. Are you trying to equate your situation with a serious chemical dependency?? No, not the chemical dependency. But the will for resistance. Something like that. Didn't like my example of smoking and went into details that are meaningless? Ok, take fatty food and weight problem and dieting then so we don't need to talk about chemical reactions. What I'm saying is that whatever we do, should be because we like it, enjoy it and don't have anxieties about it, imposed by our own conditioned self-imposed guilt..... This is why I have sex with a man straight away from the minute I like them. Cause I like them, and cause I know that I will like having sex with them at the time I'm full on. But for a reason, taboo reason, it backfires. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mel001 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Share Posted November 10, 2009 And that's what it's all about. Our own personal satisfaction, our own personal fulfillment. It's a choice. Are we going to value sex inside a relationship or not? But it impossible to feel fullfilled under those circumstances. What happens when in order to feel fullfilled you want to both have sex straight away and the guy to respect you and still want to be with you after it? Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 This is why I have sex with a man straight away from the minute I like them. Cause I like them, and cause I know that I will like having sex with them at the time I'm full on. But for a reason, taboo reason, it backfires. It doesn't backfire because of a taboo reason. It backfires because men don't respect you. That's a fact. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mel001 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Share Posted November 10, 2009 It doesn't backfire because of a taboo reason. It backfires because men don't respect you. That's a fact. So, that's my question. Why do men not respect me when I have sex with them straight away? And I will repeat again, the opposite. Why don't women stop respecting a man when they have sex with them straight away? Is this not a taboo? And if not, what is it? Cause I cannot understand it. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 But it impossible to feel fullfilled under those circumstances. What happens when in order to feel fullfilled you want to both have sex straight away and the guy to respect you and still want to be with you after it? It happens. Lots of relationships, great relationships and successful relationships, got started after sex on the first date. You never know. We don't know. We take those risks. Sleeping with men right away, imo, is an emotional risk. If you can handle it, okay then. I can't. Or in your case, if you find out they don't want to stick around and they don't respect you, maybe you can't do it either. At least TRY the other route and see what you learn from THAT experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 So, that's my question. Why do men not respect me when I have sex with them straight away? And I will repeat again, the opposite. Why don't women stop respecting a man when they have sex with them straight away? Is this not a taboo? And if not, what is it? Cause I cannot understand it. Great questions. Great thread, btw. It makes me think and really sets in stone some things I've wanted to... well, set in stone for me. Have to leave, but will eventually get back to your thread. Hopefully you'll get lots more input too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mel001 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Share Posted November 10, 2009 It happens. Lots of relationships, great relationships and successful relationships, got started after sex on the first date. You never know. We don't know. We take those risks. Sleeping with men right away, imo, is an emotional risk. If you can handle it, okay then. I can't. Or in your case, if you find out they don't want to stick around and they don't respect you, maybe you can't do it either. At least TRY the other route and see what you learn from THAT experience. Yes I have hoped for this exception, that the first date sex will become something more...not very popular though. But yes, I was still hoping. I will definately try the other way though. And see the outcome...cause it's gone too far. Then at least I will find out if that was the problem indeed or there's something else in me that I cannot see but others can see... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mel001 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Share Posted November 10, 2009 Great questions. Great thread, btw. It makes me think and really sets in stone some things I've wanted to... well, set in stone for me. Have to leave, but will eventually get back to your thread. Hopefully you'll get lots more input too. Oh good to see you're getting something of this thread Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 Oh good to see you're getting something of this thread Well sheesh I hope you do, too! Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 So, that's my question. Why do men not respect me when I have sex with them straight away? Let me ask you this. Why do you care whether they respect you or not? The further question is - do you respect yourself? And I will repeat again, the opposite. Why don't women stop respecting a man when they have sex with them straight away? Generalising again.... how do you know they don't? Is this not a taboo? And if not, what is it? Cause I cannot understand it. History? Social conditioning? peer pressure? family influence? Education? Misogyny? Women's Lib? The Pill? All of the above? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts