I'm just a tart

[tryagaintoday]

So, that's my question. Why do men not respect me when I have sex with them straight away?

 

And I will repeat again, the opposite. Why don't women stop respecting a man when they have sex with them straight away?

 

Is this not a taboo? And if not, what is it? Cause I cannot understand it.

 

why why why why. The sooner you realise the inequality the better off you'll be and start improving yourself.

Men and women are different. They even spell differently.

[Ms. Joolie]

So, that's my question. Why do men not respect me when I have sex with them straight away?

 

Sex alone does not earn respect.

 

And I will repeat again, the opposite. Why don't women stop respecting a man when they have sex with them straight away?

 

Do you stop respecting a man when they have sex with you right away?

Why or why not?

 

 

Is this not a taboo? And if not, what is it? Cause I cannot understand it.

 

You keep saying taboo... and that's confusing me. I'm thinking taboo as in "forbidden." What are you saying is forbidden?

[Tayla]

My take on this scenario is simple:

The chick seeks out the guys who are eventually one night stands, thereby validating her own loathing and the loathing of such men, Yet she continues to do such for the sake of "gosh whats so wrong with fullfilling my needs".

 

Whilst the act of sexual relations is the fullfilment its also an investment. One in which two grown adults need to be willing to vest into and not cheapen it.

 

Real simple solution Stop thinking that you can do what you want without repercussions. There is always repercussions and as an adult you are experiencing it. You chose poorly and you now are questioning the double standards. Live wisely, actually go on a date with no strings attached. You'll dread it entirely but guess what, you'll actually go to sleep without waking up wondering if this dude will scram at the first light of day.

[Disillusioned]

Mel001, the answer is right in front of your face... these men you talk about, just think of you as a point on their scoreboard, and nothing more. They are not keepers. So, you should make up your mind... do you want to keep "servicing" these guys, or do you want a guy who's a keeper?

[tryagaintoday]

Mel001, the answer is right in front of your face... these men you talk about, just think of you as a point on their scoreboard, and nothing more. They are not keepers. So, you should make up your mind... do you want to keep "servicing" these guys, or do you want a guy who's a keeper?

 

she wants both

[Mel001]

Oh ok, I guess there's no point discussing in another level here rather than my grandmother's level.

 

"I'm cheap and I don't respect myself and I don't have values and it's all my problem" None of this sounds logical to me.

 

No I don't have any values, I just think and process different ideas from scratch and I just can't fins eny sense in this.

 

And instead of having an interesting discussion to find out why things are working like that, I receive dead-end replies such as: "Sex alone does not earn respect." and "why why why why. The sooner you realise the inequality the better off you'll be and start improving yourself."

 

@TaraMaiden: I respect myself. What should I do then? Is it bad to have an opinion of my own and seek an answer through process and analysis instead of what is "right and wrong"? And your next question, I've never heard a woman saying that she lost respect for a man because the man had sex with her from the first date. It will be the opposite. That's why I'm generalising.

Anyhow, you're the most open minded here anyway...I appreciate this.

 

@tryagaintoday: I will never stop question myself "why why why why". To live in ignorance and going with flow just because, is not my thing.

 

@Ms Joolie: No I don't stop respecting a man for having sex with me. Why should I? It's just sex. You get to have fun, and you share the fun together. If it feels right, then you do it. Don't knkow what the problem is with that?

 

@Tayla: Yes I've seen the consequences...it seems that I can't do what I want to do and be completely satisfied. But I'm trying...

 

@Dissillusioned: You mentioned that men look at me as a point of their "scoreboard". Why can't I have also a "scoreboard" and not being criticised by others?? Instead I'm cheap.

[TaraMaiden]

Let's look at this another way.

 

You use the word Taboo..... having sex with your father, is taboo.... having sex liberally, is not.

 

You use words that degrade you - "tart, cheap"... Whose definitions are these?

The guys who sleep with you, or your own?

Has anybody else ever called you these words?

has any man?

Has any woman?

if not - and you enjoy yourself - why use them?

 

This lack of respect you perceive from men - have you ever confronted a man, and asked HIM what he thinks of women who enjoy one-night stands?

 

Also, you have a brilliant mind, but... ever heard the phrase

'Hyper-analysis causes paralysis?'

 

Could it be that actually, you are over-thinking this?

[Mel001]

Let's look at this another way.

 

You use the word Taboo..... having sex with your father, is taboo.... having sex liberally, is not.

 

You use words that degrade you - "tart, cheap"... Whose definitions are these?

The guys who sleep with you, or your own?

Has anybody else ever called you these words?

has any man?

Has any woman?

if not - and you enjoy yourself - why use them?

 

This lack of respect you perceive from men - have you ever confronted a man, and asked HIM what he thinks of women who enjoy one-night stands?

 

Also, you have a brilliant mind, but... ever heard the phrase

'Hyper-analysis causes paralysis?'

 

Could it be that actually, you are over-thinking this?

 

The "cheap" and "tart" definitions are not mine really. It is what I get from people when I describe my problem. Thoughout the past two years I've had many flings like the ones we're describing here, and I've been in forums like this and instead of receiving a helping hand of why I'm dumped, I was receiving replies like "you shouldn't open your legs on the first date, you're a whore, you're easy, you're cheap, eat your sh*t now" etc etc etc. I never gave up and never believed them, up until now when things have really gone out of hand and I start being sceptical toward myself and the way I think about things.

 

When it comes to ONS, i seriously don't have any issues with it. This is in reality a whambam thank you mam and this is how I view it, and I don't have any plans seeing the guy again. But...having being chased by a guy for a loooong time, trying to get a date with me and make me drink wine so that I relax and he can seduce me, and me having accepted by the end to go out with him, and then warming up to him that he's actually very fine and nice, and then having sex with them, and then again and again...and what happens next is that it's over for them. The interest is not there. They f*ck me some times, make a whole drama/passion about the whole thing up until I show real interest in them. Then it's gone. Why?

 

Yes, analysis paralysis...it is my problem. So so difficult to get away from it though. Because I get hurt. And because I have noone to speak with in the level I need to. So I have to speak with myself and find a solution that is satisfying. So much frustration though, I seriously get headaches out of these thoughts. But avoiding the thoughts, leaves space for misery and depression. Confusion and a state of not knowing what, how, why, when is something I'm scared of...

 

Yes, maybe I'm overthinking it...I don't know, seriously. Maybe it has to do that I've had so much sh*t from guys lately that at the moment I'm just frustrated.

 

One thing more that I start fearing...

I wrote another thread about a "hurt" guy that is hating everyone and everything. I saw the replies there. Then I read another similar thread about another "hurt" guy. And the replies from everyone where similar to the ones that I got. To sum up, the replies were something in the style of "let him in his misery, he will not change, he's doomed".

 

I seriously think that there's a risk of me becoming like that guy, a hurt person that hates everyone and everything including myself. And having read the "so definite" replies here, then there is a high risk that I will also be left in my misery and will never change. Wonder how I can control this. I see myself in many other bitter people nowadays...and I so much hate to admit this. But, after I overcome the frustration that has gotten to me now, I can't really see myself being all loving and caring and nice. It feels that I have the tendency to either ditch them all and never give myself to anyone ever again, no one will come close to me, or to become really selfish and make them pay for every minute of distress they have caused me. So unfair, but so natural...

[Mel001]

And I've come to another thing right now. I will open a new thread about it...

[TaraMaiden]

I'm going to ask you two questions:

Think before you answer.

 

I mean, really - Think.

 

Forget all the above discussion, right now, and focus purely and simply, just on these two questions:

 

 

 

Who are you?

 

 

 

What do you want?

[Mel001]

I'm going to ask you two questions:

Think before you answer.

 

I mean, really - Think.

 

Forget all the above discussion, right now, and focus purely and simply, just on these two questions:

 

 

 

Who are you?

 

 

 

What do you want?

 

I can describe myself and what I want from two different perspectives, one is mine, the other is my friends'. But you asked for my opinion. I'm 28 years old, my last relationship was 6 years, before that I had other 1 year relationships, so for the first time ever I'm single and it's been for 2,5 years. I've found the chance to make many friends, flirt with guys and have flings without feeling guilty or feeling I have to go home, to focus on my hobby and have fun. To arrange my life exactly as I want to... I love it and that's why I'm not actively searching for something serious.

 

What I want...I want to be able to focus on my hobby, have fun with friends, and do whatever I like, this freedom of being single is something I highly value! But I like men, and there's always someone that I'm interested in. Not necessarily for something serious. If we say that I have been interested in 6 men during the last 2,5 years, then only two of them would make it to the next level...that is if they wanted to. The rest, I've been interested in a lot, and I've wanted them to like me. But, due to the analysis paralysis way of thinking that I tend to have, I never wanted something serious with them cause they weren't the kind of persons I want to be with in the long run. They were funny and nice in the beginning, but I'm being proactive and try to avoid the boredom and unsuccess of the upcoming serious relationship. Instead, I want a FWB with them, an intimate and nice contact without rules up until I find the man of my dreams. Or up until we get bored with each other. Despite the fact that I may think about them every single minute of the day.

[TaraMaiden]

I can describe myself .... But you asked for my opinion. I'm 28 years old, my last relationship was 6 years, before that I had other 1 year relationships, ....to focus on my hobby and have fun. To arrange my life exactly as I want to...

 

...I want to be able to focus on my hobby, have fun with friends, and do whatever I like, .....I like men, and there's always someone that I'm interested in. Not necessarily for something serious. If we say that I have been interested in 6 men during the last 2,5 years, then only two of them would make it to the next level...that is if they wanted to. The rest, I've been interested in a lot, and I've wanted them to like me. But, due to the analysis paralysis way of thinking that I tend to have, I never wanted something serious with them cause they weren't the kind of persons I want to be with in the long run. They were funny and nice in the beginning, but I'm being proactive and try to avoid the boredom and unsuccess of the upcoming serious relationship. Instead, I want a FWB with them, an intimate and nice contact without rules up until I find the man of my dreams. Or up until we get bored with each other. Despite the fact that I may think about them every single minute of the day.

 

I didn't ask you to describe yourself, or what you'd like, and what you enjoy....

I asked WHO YOU ARE, And WHAT DO YOU WANT.

 

THis is why I asked you to give this extremely deep thought.

the replies are a kneejerk reaction, a quick off-the-cuff reply.

You need to take a day - a week - avmonth to think about these questions. Not 20 minutes.

 

so - think again.

[Mel001]

I didn't ask you to describe yourself, or what you'd like, and what you enjoy....

I asked WHO YOU ARE, And WHAT DO YOU WANT.

 

THis is why I asked you to give this extremely deep thought.

the replies are a kneejerk reaction, a quick off-the-cuff reply.

You need to take a day - a week - avmonth to think about these questions. Not 20 minutes.

 

so - think again.

 

 

So what will I get from this?

[TaraMaiden]

You'll find out.

 

If you answer the questions.....

[Ms. Joolie]

I'm glad you asked her those questions, TaraMaiden.... because this is who she really thinks she is:

 

...a hurt person that hates everyone and everything including myself. And having read the "so definite" replies here, then there is a high risk that I will also be left in my misery and will never change. Wonder how I can control this

 

 

I would not want to take an interest in someone like that either... I don't blame the men for using and then losing her.

 

Mel -

 

It only took one afternoon's post for you to come out with yourself about who you really think you are. You exploded with negativity. You don't think men can pick that up from you? They can.

 

What they see is an attractive, educated and talented woman who puts out. Nothing more. Because that's all you SHOW them. Then after you start putting out for them, they see you for who you really are... a hurt and unhappy person.

 

It would do you good to reflect on these things. It would do you good to listen to your grandmother's advice. Or have you devalued that as well?

 

Yes, you've devalued everything, including yourself.

 

You need to find yourself again, Mel.

[Mel001]

I'm glad you asked her those questions, TaraMaiden.... because this is who she really thinks she is:

 

 

 

 

I would not want to take an interest in someone like that either... I don't blame the men for using and then losing her.

 

Mel -

 

It only took one afternoon's post for you to come out with yourself about who you really think you are. You exploded with negativity. You don't think men can pick that up from you? They can.

 

It's now I'm becoming negative. I've never been before. I've always been a glad person that does whatever I feel like. But it's about to change.

 

My grandmother's advice has nothing to do with my life. Times are changing. And I cannot trust and believe in what she has to say to me. But I'm sorry if I have offended you. That wasn't the meaning at all.

 

Anyhow, I have just decided to not let anyone touch me again if they don't prove themselves first. I will use my dildo and I will shut it and fight. And then I'm all for the results. I'm ditching everyone at the moment, the guys that think that they will meet me again and sleep with me. They will get nothing. Either they will leave me alone for good or they will need to get to know me first and be interested in me first as a person.

 

Sorry, but the "grandmother" thing doesn't work for me. At all.

[Mel001]

You'll find out.

 

If you answer the questions.....

 

 

Not quite sure at the moment how I should answer the questions...but I will definately give it a thought. I promise. A bit scared that I will be stuck in a loop again though...

[TaraMaiden]

No. But if you strip them down to their bare essentials, you will at one point get to a reply where you can go no further.

And that will be what you'll get from this.....

[Ms. Joolie]

It's now I'm becoming negative. I've never been before. I've always been a glad person that does whatever I feel like. But it's about to change.

 

Yes, it's who you have become. You'll have to figure out when the last time you were truly happy was, or if you've ever even been happy in your adult life.

You'll have to think about what happened, what happened that changed you into a negative person.

And once you become aware of this, you have a choice. You have a choice on who you will be NOW, and going forward.

 

 

My grandmother's advice has nothing to do with my life. Times are changing. And I cannot trust and believe in what she has to say to me. But I'm sorry if I have offended you. That wasn't the meaning at all.

 

You didn't offend me, rather you showed what kind of personality you have. You are not listening to anything that anyone tells you. You would even tell Aristotle that times are changing.

 

 

Anyhow, I have just decided to not let anyone touch me again if they don't prove themselves first. I will use my dildo and I will shut it and fight. And then I'm all for the results. I'm ditching everyone at the moment, the guys that think that they will meet me again and sleep with me. They will get nothing. Either they will leave me alone for good or they will need to get to know me first and be interested in me first as a person.

 

Is this your solution? Truly you are setting your course. You WILL end up alone and miserable, people will leave you ALONE, if you shut yourself out.

 

"Don't touch me!" Is what you are saying. This will get you nothing but unhappiness.

 

If you really want to have men take an interest in you and stop using you and respect you, you will have to drop this act.

 

Or you can keep doing what you're doing. But you know you're future with THAT road already, don't you?

 

 

Sorry, but the "grandmother" thing doesn't work for me. At all.

 

I'm not sure what your issue is with your poor grandmother, but I feel sorry for her already. You could probably start another thread about your relationship with your grandmother.

[Mel001]

Yes, it's who you have become. You'll have to figure out when the last time you were truly happy was, or if you've ever even been happy in your adult life.

You'll have to think about what happened, what happened that changed you into a negative person.

And once you become aware of this, you have a choice. You have a choice on who you will be NOW, and going forward.

I'm sure I have lots of issues...I've just had lots of sh*t, that's for sure. And I can't eat it anymore with a smile on my face.

 

 

 

 

You didn't offend me, rather you showed what kind of personality you have. You are not listening to anything that anyone tells you. You would even tell Aristotle that times are changing.

I'm definately listening, and I've taken many things on board from what you and others have said to me in this thread. It has actually helped quite a lot with my thoughts. I don't say that my thoughts are clear. But they definatley are not what they were before, I have LOTS to think about and that's mainly because of the discussion here. That I turn down the old-fashioned ways of thinking is something else. But seriously, you can't imagine how much I have to think now about cause of your input. And I highly appreciate that!

 

 

 

 

Is this your solution? Truly you are setting your course. You WILL end up alone and miserable, people will leave you ALONE, if you shut yourself out.

 

"Don't touch me!" Is what you are saying. This will get you nothing but unhappiness.

 

If you really want to have men take an interest in you and stop using you and respect you, you will have to drop this act.

 

Or you can keep doing what you're doing. But you know you're future with THAT road already, don't you?

 

So, please tell me what to do? Cause I'm in despair. I don't know what to do. Do I continue like before when I've seen it hasn't worked for me? It would be stupid of me. Do I set a stop to everything instead? Then I'm all alone. Do I become a better person without any issues so easily? I doubt it. I hope someone would insert a new diskette in my head and install new parameters, do a format, and repair the files. My brain is about to crash from overprocessing. I don't know what's true and what's a lie, I don't know if it's a bluff or a bluff on the bluff and so on.

 

 

 

 

I'm not sure what your issue is with your poor grandmother, but I feel sorry for her already. You could probably start another thread about your relationship with your grandmother.

 

That made me laugh...I also feel sorry about her. Not because of me, but because she suffers by having such old-fashioned ideas in this time. What she wants she will never get. But anyway, I have no issues with her. It's just poor communication, but then she doesn't affect my life.

[Kamille]

I don't understand why you're being so hard on yourself. You like sex.

 

I think the problem isn't that you enjoy sex or that men have a double standard. Perhaps the issue is that you equal guys trying to woo you as some type of commitment. It isn't. The chase is the chase. Commitment is something else altogether. In my experience, commitment is words (boy says: let's be exclusive, etc.) and actions (makes time for you, makes you feel like a priority).

 

Perhaps you also hurt because you confuse sex with emotional intimacy. Again, it doesn't have to be, especially after a first date.

 

If what you are doing is hurting you - and apparently it is - then by all means, try something new. Enjoy getting to know someone before you sleep with them. It is fun and it builds anticipation.

[2sure]

The issue may have nothing at all to do with sex with at least some or all of your partners...but whatever the reason IS that they dont want to continue a relationship with you...there IS a reason.

 

Sometimes, when you keep doing the same thing and you dont like the consistant results...you have to stop, change direction, and do something else.

[someg]

Thoughout the past two years I've had many flings like the ones we're describing here, and I've been in forums like this and instead of receiving a helping hand of why I'm dumped, I was receiving replies like "you shouldn't open your legs on the first date, you're a whore, you're easy, you're cheap, eat your sh*t now" etc etc etc.

 

Hopefully this will give you some different ideas to help you.

 

Here is my thought if I meet a girl and looking for a long term relationship. If I was with a girl that is too "easy", I will think, ok this girl is not picky and "easy" what will keep her from dumping me and going after the next guy? We are sleeping on the first or second date, and this girl doesn't even know me that well. Does she do this with all other guys? For me these are problems I will think of.

 

Now I will try to look at it differently as well. All you have said is that you have sex early which isn't much to go by. Maybe it isn't the sex like what I said above and it's something else. If you are that attractive, smart, and like to have sex, there might be another reason why guys are breaking up with you.

Edited November 11, 2009 by someg

[Ms. Joolie]

I admire who you are, Mel. You are a fighter. And you came on here looking for help, because you don't like the life you are living. You are strong, educated, mentally tough, you have an appreciation for music I take it and you have good looks to boot! Add in happiness to that mix and you'd have a truly great life, one to be very grateful for.

 

 

I'm sure I have lots of issues...I've just had lots of sh*t, that's for sure. And I can't eat it anymore with a smile on my face.

 

You need to address all the stuff you've gone through. That's what's making you suffer now. You can't even smile anymore without thinking about all these things that have happened to you. They haunt you.

 

 

I'm definately listening, and I've taken many things on board from what you and others have said to me in this thread. It has actually helped quite a lot with my thoughts. I don't say that my thoughts are clear. But they definatley are not what they were before, I have LOTS to think about and that's mainly because of the discussion here. That I turn down the old-fashioned ways of thinking is something else. But seriously, you can't imagine how much I have to think now about cause of your input. And I highly appreciate that!

 

I'm glad then. Because that's what Love Shack is for. And if you like the kind of input I'm giving you, if it truly is helping you, then I can't take full credit for it. I'd like to recommend something. Look, we all go through stuff. We all react negatively to things and we need a mental check. We all want to empower ourselves again to live the life we love. Where I got my mental check was with Landmark Education. Visit their website and check out "The Landmark Forum" course. It's the course that changed my life, because it gave me the tools I needed to move forward.... positively.

(The Forum is a weekend of coaching, discussion and exercises... it's thinking outside your box, which I think will greatly profit you.)

 

So, please tell me what to do? Cause I'm in despair. I don't know what to do. Do I continue like before when I've seen it hasn't worked for me? It would be stupid of me. Do I set a stop to everything instead? Then I'm all alone. Do I become a better person without any issues so easily? I doubt it. I hope someone would insert a new diskette in my head and install new parameters, do a format, and repair the files. My brain is about to crash from overprocessing. I don't know what's true and what's a lie, I don't know if it's a bluff or a bluff on the bluff and so on.

 

It took 28 years for you to get to this point, so it's going to take some work to change things. I can't tell you what to do. You tell yourself what to do.

Don't worry. There is a lot for you to think about. And the more you think about it, the better results you will get. I know you won't go back to doing the same thing, because it's hurting you. You can choose to hurt, but I think you know better. Keep thinking. Keep trying to find your answers, and keep choosing what is good for you.

 

 

That made me laugh...I also feel sorry about her. Not because of me, but because she suffers by having such old-fashioned ideas in this time. What she wants she will never get. But anyway, I have no issues with her. It's just poor communication, but then she doesn't affect my life.

 

Ok. I'll take your word for it then... you have no issues with your grandmother... just "poor communication" and "she doesn't affect my life."

 

Edited November 11, 2009 by Ms. Joolie

[stillafool]

OP I don't think it is fair what you are going through but unfortunately that is the way life is right now. Men seem to only want to settle down with someone who they feel no other man can have. They want a woman who loves sex but when a woman expresses this she is somehow a whore in their eyes. It just isn't fair. If you like sex and want to have it then do it. You enjoy sex and would be game playing to withhold your own desires to somehow land a husband. The man you need is out there and may be someone who is much older than you who will not let silly things (like you like to have sex too soon) stop him from wanting a long term relationship with a great woman. I suspect that in years to come men are going to have to ease up on their silly expectations of women as more and more women are not afraid to explore their sexuality. I say just keep being yourself and do what you like and for God's sake don't compromise for them. You'll never to be happy if you do.