AprilFool Posted December 10, 2003 Share Posted December 10, 2003 I found out my husband looked at porn a little on the internet behind my back, and I spased out and told him not to do it any more. Finally, I came to the conclusion that it wasn't a big deal. Therefore, I told him he could look at it if he wanted to. He continued to hide it. Finally, I let him know that I knew the exact date and time and page he looked at every time he looked at it. We had a big laugh, and the fact that I was ok with it made us closer. I convinced myself that he couldn't really look at any hard core stuff if he wasn't paying for it. Two days later, I opened the cable bill to find where he had ordered 3 pay-per-view porns, totaling about $30. I got really upset, and pm'd a member of loveshack for help. After all, I had told my husband that I was ok with his porn, so I had no right to be upset. I got over it, and when I went to open the cable bill in front of him, he took it from my hand, and put it back in the package. I looked at him and grinned, and he said, "What?" I grinned and said, "The next time you order pay-per-view, can I come watch it with you?" He laughed at me, then replied that he wasn't going to order it any more, because it wasn't very good. Crisis over, right? Wrong. My husband used to delete the history from the computer, so I couldn't go back and view what he'd viewed. However, I assume since he has discovered that I am genuinely trying not to let it bother me, he left the history on the computer. I went home for lunch just now, and I saw where he'd looked at all kinds. Out of nosiness, I clicked on one, and it said you had to be a member to get in. Before I came back to work, I was flirting with my husband, and I said, "If you ever become a member of a porn site, can I have the password so I can look at the porn too?" He laughed and said I was spying on him. He didn't seem to get mad or anything, but he knows as well as I do that I'm spying on him. He told me that I could have his password if I wanted, and that the site even had a place for women. I got pretty excited. Now that I'm back at work, though, I'm feeling pretty sad. I feel a little insecure about his porn, but I don't want to. I know he loves me, and is attracted to me, and I know that porn is not a big deal, because I look at it. I don't want to tell him how I'm feeling, because I finally got him to quit hiding it from me, and I don't want him to revert back to it. IT FEELS LIKE HE'S PUSHING IT THOUGH!!!!! Someone tell me how to just let it go! Tell me I need to lighten up and quit being so dramatic. PLEASE Link to post Share on other sites
Author AprilFool Posted December 10, 2003 Author Share Posted December 10, 2003 I think he may have lied about one thing.....the other day I asked him if he was a member of any site, and he said he wasn't because he had to have an e-mail address. Now that he's confessed he's a member, I asked what his e-mail address was....he said he'd used mine. I said, "oh, ok, maybe the e-mailed me the password" he said, "not, they don't e-mail it". I don't think I got an account confirmation or anything....don't you automatically get mail from any site you join? I thought so Should I confront him about lying, or should I just let this one slide? It's not really a big lie, I guess, and I'm sure that if he has an e-mail account, I'll find out what it is... Unless...........i hope he didn't sign up with the WRONG e-mail address......if so, someone else has our CREDIT CARD INFORMATION!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 10, 2003 Share Posted December 10, 2003 April You have to figure out what it is about him looking at porn that disturbs you so much. You are still stuck on this and you absolutely have to unstick yourself. Look, you've yelled at him and given him no end of grief over looking at porn while your relationship was so bad that you weren't having sex much. Of course he was going to sneak around - he already feels like a piece of sh** because you keep giving him grief. This is a downward spiral. The more you check, the madder you get, the more grief you give him, the more you drive him away, the more he looks elsewhere, the less he cares about how you feel because you don't seem to care about how he feels. YOU have to stop this cycle. You HAVE to stop this cycle. You have to STOP this cycle. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AprilFool Posted December 10, 2003 Author Share Posted December 10, 2003 It's not PORN that bothers me, it's the naked women!!! He doesn't look at people having sex, or women giving blow jobs, he looks at beautiful valuptous women naked and being sexy. I am a b cup, and I think I am very well proportioned, but my husband has this fetish with big boobs. He loves to look at them, and since I don't have the gorgeous implants that these models have, he looks at them instead of me. That's how I feel. I know he thinks I'm beautiful, but boobs are very important to him sexually, and mine just aren't big enough. That hurts. Some part of my body just isn't enough for him, so he looks elsewhere. My husband likes big butts too, and I have a big butt, and I NEVER catch him looking at booty porn...of course if I did, I'd be jealous too. It's not the sex...I like watching sex. It's the pictures of women....not women having sex or giving blow jobs, but women....being beautiful. I gave my girlfriend some of my playboy magazines to look at, and she came back today, and we discussed it. I asked her if she wanted an issue, and she said she didn't. She said that she'd never been insecure in her entire life, but looking at Playboy made her insecure. She and her husband looked at them together, but it still made her feel bad about herself. Why am I letting these cheesy, no class models bother me!?!?!?! I am so much better!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 10, 2003 Share Posted December 10, 2003 and mine just aren't big enough. That hurts. Some part of my body just isn't enough for him, so he looks elsewhere. This is exactly the sort of negative self-talk that good ol' Albert Ellis could help you out of. First of all, you're making an assumption, here. Secondly, you are DETERMINED to believe that your husband 'prefers' these women to you. Your distrust and self-esteem issues come from within - very likely from your past. You need to figure out where in order to get rid of them. Why am I letting these cheesy, no class models bother me!?!?!?! What a very good question. Your husband loves you and says he wants you and yet you continue to look for reasons to torture yourself and grab every tiny shred of evidence. Then you beat yourself up with it over and over again. Does this make sense to you, April? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AprilFool Posted December 10, 2003 Author Share Posted December 10, 2003 Makes me want to cry too. Where can I get some self esteem? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 10, 2003 Share Posted December 10, 2003 There are lots of books on self-esteem. Check your local library or bookstore or Amazon.com. And really, read some Ellis. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AprilFool Posted December 10, 2003 Author Share Posted December 10, 2003 If he didn't look at it, he'd still want to.....so what would I benifit from telling him he couldn't? I wouldn't...I'd just be the bad guy...an obstacle he has to get around Another point: I was upset that he looked at it behind my back, but it finally sunk in that in his opinion what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. If I felt insecure about him looking at beautiful naked women, then he would just not let me know about it........what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. WHY DOES IT TAKE ME SO LONG, MOIMEME!?!?!?!?!? Don't know what I'd do without you, moimeme Here's another rational thought: He is who he is, and I married him for better or worse. Just accept the things I don't like, and love him for what and who he is. *trying to beat it into my thick head* Link to post Share on other sites
cdn Posted December 10, 2003 Share Posted December 10, 2003 Originally posted by moimeme This is exactly the sort of negative self-talk that good ol' Albert Ellis could help you out of. Is there a particular title you recommend? He's written quite a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AprilFool Posted December 10, 2003 Author Share Posted December 10, 2003 When I went to that site, all I found was stuff you could buy....are you recommending that I purchase a book? If so, which one...I'll buy it in a second if you think it will help me. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 10, 2003 Share Posted December 10, 2003 WHY DOES IT TAKE ME SO LONG, MOIMEME!?!?!?!?!? Because you can't easily erase a deep-seated issue. Something inside you feels unworthy and you need to find the cause - who said something to you or what happened that you decided that if you don't look like a star, your husband can't love or desire you? Only you can answer that. When I went to that site, all I found was stuff you could buy....are you recommending that I purchase a book? If so, which one...I'll buy it in a second if you think it will help me. Is there a particular title you recommend? He's written quite a bit. I suggested a couple on your other thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=136002#post136002 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AprilFool Posted December 10, 2003 Author Share Posted December 10, 2003 I just purchased a guide to rational living for $5...total $8 Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 10, 2003 Share Posted December 10, 2003 Excellent deal! Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted December 11, 2003 Share Posted December 11, 2003 Good luck April. Stick with it. I know all about trying to unstick sticky thoughts and battling with self-esteem issues (ie, my past obsession with my bf's ex-wife etc etc...that issue is much better for me now, but still the jealousy, insecurity still rears its ugly head from time to time!...it really does take time to heal these things!). Take time to look at what a special person you are! I find that has helped me regain a stronger sense of ME and who I am, rather than trying to compete with others to be better. Writing this stuff to you, also helps remind me, and drum it into my head! Really, try and practice just BEING in the PRESENT MOMENT and being HAPPY. It won't always be easy, but sometimes it will just happen, and you'll feel light. PS That said, I honestly don't know how I'd feel if my bf looked at lots of porn without me. I havent been in that situation, so I cant really say. It might trouble me too, to be honest. But you know, the others are right I think, it doesn't mean he isn't attracted to you! It seems its just a guy thing. If the rest of your marriage makes you happy and you love your husband, and he's good to you overall, then this one thing you may just have to accept and deal with, as long as it doesn't replace sex with you of course! Link to post Share on other sites
Author AprilFool Posted December 11, 2003 Author Share Posted December 11, 2003 I always look forward to reading what you write in my posts, because you give me hope. Actually, the porn issue was getting in the way of our sex life. I guess since he felt he was hiding something from me, he didn't feel close to me.....or something to that effect. Maybe he just felt like I judged him too much due to the porn. However........... Lately, I've been going nuts over it, but not around him. By the time I see him (after finding some form of porn) I've delt with it, and come to terms, and decided that what he can do I can do. *I ordered Playgirl magazine * lol. Anyway, when I talk to him, I'm supportive, and ask if he wants to watch a movie with me or something to that effect...our sex life has been great lately....heck, our marriage has been great lately. Thanks to this board, I've losened my grip a little, and it looks like my husband is really appreciating it. I'll be back in a few days to post another marriage issue I'm having Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 11, 2003 Share Posted December 11, 2003 our sex life has been great lately....heck, our marriage has been great lately. Thanks to this board, I've losened my grip a little, and it looks like my husband is really appreciating it. You GO, girl Link to post Share on other sites
Author AprilFool Posted December 11, 2003 Author Share Posted December 11, 2003 I don't know if any of you want to hear something I just learned about myself, but here goes. moimeme said this, and it got me to thinking: Because you can't easily erase a deep-seated issue. Something inside you feels unworthy and you need to find the cause - who said something to you or what happened that you decided that if you don't look like a star, your husband can't love or desire you? I know what caused the deep seated issue. When I was 16, I had a boyfriend. He was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, and my first love. Near the end of our relationship, I got an e-mail from my boyfriend's best friend, with a picture of Carmen Electra, and the e-mail said, "Joe deserves so much better than you. Here is a picture of the kind of woman he deserves." A few months later, I learned that the e-mail came from my boyfriend pretending to be his best friend . We ended up breaking up, because I learned that my boyfriend had lied to me about a LOT of things. Well, moimeme, I've found the source of my deep-seated insecurity dealing with nude models. Looking back, I wish I had e-mailed him back, saying, "You're right! I don't deserve a loser like Joe...I deserve better, and he does deserve a slut like that!" It still hurts to think about that memory But at least I know why I feel the way I do...and I also know that my husband is 300X better than that loser was If my husband wants to look at nudity and porn, I think he's been such a wonderful husband that he deserves the freedom Thank you, moimeme, for knowing what to say to help me deal with my issues. P.S. I am VERY happy right now Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 11, 2003 Share Posted December 11, 2003 Wow, April! Yes, that kind of event would definitely scar one. What a jerk that first BF was and how awful for you! You're right! I don't deserve a loser like Joe...I deserve better, EXACTLY!!! If every woman had the courage and wisdom to be able to say that when some jerk treats her badly, it would be fabulous. I also know that my husband is 300X better than that loser was Thank you, moimeme, for knowing what to say to help me deal with my issues. You're welcome, April. So glad I was able to help! Know that this hurt might sometimes bother you again, but now you are armed with the knowledge to defeat it. It will take a while to totally erase the residue that that miserable BFs rotten action left behind, but eventually it will be gone. I wish you and your husband all the best Link to post Share on other sites
Author AprilFool Posted December 11, 2003 Author Share Posted December 11, 2003 What if he'd given me the impression and hinted around in the past that he thought that I'd look better with boob inplants......then would you think that I had reason to feel insecure? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 11, 2003 Share Posted December 11, 2003 Nope because your self-esteem ought to come from knowing that you are a good human and not from the size of your bosoms. Otherwise, women with mastectomies would have to consider themselves worthless, no? We could all be better looking some way; even the most beautiful of stars thinks s/he has flaws. Point is, what's outside ought to be trumped by what's inside - and you should love you for the latter; as should any worthy man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AprilFool Posted December 12, 2003 Author Share Posted December 12, 2003 I wish I had come and read your advice before opening my mouth....but... I have a tanning bed, and after I got out, I noticed that I had "moons" under my butt cheeks. I went and showed them to him, and he got this sexy smile, and said, "You do have a big butt..." I laughed and said, "I know...I wish I had big boobs to match." *I bated him...I'm bad* He smiled and said, "Me too!" I came to the doorway, gave him a sneaky smile, and said, "Tell you what..you get a *bleep* inplant, and I'll get boob inplants." His smile quickly left, and he said, "Bull..." I just smiled at him, then he said, "There isn't any such thing!" I said, "Yes there is.." He quietly said, "No....that costs too much money." Poor baby....maybe now he'll understand.....but since I know how it feels, I wish I had just told him, instead of showing him. I'm hopeless....I'm going to go apologize. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 12, 2003 Share Posted December 12, 2003 Oh, girl. You invite him to reinforce your worries, then slang his most important bit. Can you say 'self-destruct'? Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted December 12, 2003 Share Posted December 12, 2003 Awww April....don't mess up the good sex y'all been having by saying he can get a implant....that might "limp" the situation if you know what I mean!! You've really been doing so well, listening to advice and calming down.....just keep calming down!! Don't bait him!! I hope you did go and apologize! I've kinda been sitting back and reading this thread and not responding because something keeps nagging me in the back of my head.....I may be wrong so just tell me if I am, it's all good!! Okay, I don't think you are okay at all with him looking at porn. You say you do but then you bring it up ALOT....maybe you would or could be in that "it's okay frame of mind" but you are sooooo insecure with yourself right now that I really don't think you mean it in your heart that your okay with his looking at porn...like you may mean it in your head but don't like it in your heart...does that make sense?? Now, when you are laying in the tanning bed or sitting at your desk and your doing that "thinking" that you and your personality types are famous for when those insecurties, what ifs, "I remember when he said or did" pops up...immediately BLOCK them out. Think of anything else, something positive that he's done or just something good....it will take awhile for this to became a routine and coping mechanism but it can be a learned trait that you will eventually get into the habit of so that when you think, you are able to direct it to positive thoughts!! What is learned can be unlearned what is a bad habit can be broken and replaced by a good habit! The human mind is sooo cool that way!! Read those books that Moimeme has suggested.....read them 20 times if you have to! You are getting so close to breaking through and being happy all the time....hang in there!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author AprilFool Posted December 12, 2003 Author Share Posted December 12, 2003 Last night, he laid a big one on me!!!! I haven't been kissed in months.....It felt so good. I did apologize . As soon as I say things like that, I feel bad. Vivian, your advice is good advice. I am going to try to start being more positive, and focusing on the good, instead of dwelling on what bothers me. moimeme, I'm sorry I self destruct....I'm going to keep trying. BUT I GOT KISSED YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!! MY BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION GOT ME A HUGE KISS!!!!!! Can you say butterflies? I haven't felt that fluttery feeling when getting kissed very often in my life, but I felt the flutters last night . By the way....that little comment I made to him last night.......didn't effect anything I got kissed....I got kissed....I got kissed....I got kissed....I got kissed....I got kissed....I got kissed....I got kissed....I got kissed....I got kissed....I got kissed....I got kissed....I got kissed....I got kissed....I got kissed....I got kissed....I got kissed....I got kissed....I got kissed....I got kissed....I got kissed....I got kissed....I got kissed....I got kissed....I got kissed....I got kissed....I got kissed....I got kissed....I got kissed....I got kissed....I got kissed....I got kissed....I got kissed....I got kissed.....I got something else too, but I'll not go there ~!!!!yahoo!!!!~ Link to post Share on other sites
ca Posted December 19, 2003 Share Posted December 19, 2003 I am having the same problem too! Just that, i sometimes feel to embarrased to tell him that it hurts me to hear him talk and rant about this and that woman and how sexy they look! My husband has shown me his entire collection of babe-books that he used to keep since college, however after marraige, disposed them off.. I was happy! But that doesnt make me feel secure enough... Not that he sees porn that often, infact he tells me about it ! Well ,strangly its not about hiding it now! It's about his great admiration and lengthy descriptions of women and past women in his life that is gettin into my nerves , and eventually destroys my peace of mind and security . I somehow feel his set of 'requirements' or what he likes about a woman , is not really within me! Because im defintitely not like half the women he goes 'ga-ga' over ! This leads to terrible insecurity and a feeling of worthlesness all the time. Some time back, i got up in the middle of the night, and found him enjoying himself watching somekinda porn flick that he has already shown to me, previous day. That made me feel real ****ty, almost as if , i couldnt fulfil his needs somewhere We do have satisfactory sex, but i still feel something missing bigtime in the basic chemistry between us! maybe im being too analytical about it .. but its just that I DONT NEED TO KNW EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERY WOMAN HE ADMIRES OR TALKED TO! However, lately im trying hard and concentrating on not taking this to heart, and just beleiving and revelling on the fact that he comes back to me at the end of the day, and he IS nice to me! But with every passing day, i am full of insecurities, what IF he does find someone else? what IF he ends losing interest in me !! I duno, and i want to know what to do to change my feeling this way!! Link to post Share on other sites
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