Am I enabling irresponsible behavior?

[4givrnt4gtr]

Ok so Ive been having a problem with my oldest sister for quite a while.

 

She is not exactly very responsible when it comes to money, and bassically lives beyond her means. On top of that she began working at a company a few years ago, where they get paid only once per month. SInce she isnt good at managing her money she has been having trouble paying her rent and bills.

 

Now...my sister is an educated 40 year old woman. She is an architect and has some experience but hasnt been able to get her liscence for one reason or another. However she has always had good jobs that pay well, yet she is always broke when she has to pay her rent.

 

In any case, I am a grad student bassically living off of loans. She knows i get lump sums of money that i have to manage carefully to carry me thru the semester. Yet is quite often asking me to lend her money so she can pay her rent.

 

Yesterday she called me AGAIN (she did so last month too, as well as a few months before) to ask me for money. At first i told her i had none left and so she started talking about how she is gonna have to go to a shelter this and that.

 

Oh wait...did i mention she drives a mercedes that she is paying off, while also keeping another car in her garage which she doesnt use ofcourse and lives in a luxurious area?

 

Yeah.

 

Well I told her that instead of paying the pity card she should think about downgrading, selling the mercedes and move to a more affordable place. She wouldnt hear of it. She came up with all kinds of excuses as to why what she is doing makes sense.....

 

WEll after about half an hour of this i kept telling her i had no money and she said that ok, she understood and would later call me to tell me where she would end up because she was probably going to be evicted by the end of the week. That if only her job paid her on time she wouldnt be in this trouble but oh well, thats life...and she'll give me the address of the shelter later.

 

How did she make me fall for it I dont know...but she convince me to lend her the money. I asked her how much she needed and she had the nerve to ask me for bassically everything i had left on my account. I said no but i would help her with some.

 

Im so ambivalent about this situation. In one hand she is family and though she is in trouble because she is irresponsible I would hate to know that she got kicked out of her apartment because I didnt want to let her borrow money.

On the other hand i feel like she will never either find a better job or downgrade her lifestyle if she knows she has someone who will always bail her out.

 

Im not sure what to do. I dont want to keep letting her get away with being irresponsible but i still feel bad. What do you guys think?

[Ronni_W]

It is a challenging situation but short answer is, "Yes, you are definitely helping her to stay stuck in her under-responsible ways."

I would hate to know that she got kicked out of her apartment because I didnt want to let her borrow money.

No. She'd be getting kicked out of her apartment because she lacks money management skills, which she won't ever learn because she doesn't need to because her family won't allow her to experience the consequences of her decision to live beyond her means.

 

If you can find a way to give her the money without feeling "mad, bad or sad" about it, then do so. Otherwise, it'll just build your own stress, resentment and anger, which can damage not only your relationship with her but also your health.

 

It is a challenge. Best of luck.

[Mary3]

I am super curious as to what she DOES with all this MONEY she makes ( good money at that ) But she can't afford to pay her rent and bills ?

 

Lets imagine she makes $ 3,000 a month. She has no money at the end of that month to pay rent or bills. What did she spend the $ 3,000 on ? Is she gambling or using drugs ?

[4givrnt4gtr]

Thats what I ask!!!

 

Granted we live in CA where life is ridiculously expensive.

 

I do know she bought a Mercedes and the next month she asked us for rent money. We've all give her a lot of c*ap about it but she comes out with all kinds of excuses.

 

I wonder if i should talk to the rest of the family about it and see what we can do...i mean....this has been going for too long....its getting really frustrating

 

Oh and no gambling or drugs....she wont even have wine for a birthday celebration.

Edited November 12, 2009 by 4givrnt4gtr

[eeyore1981]

Does she pay you back?

 

I was in a similar situation, and what Ronni says is true. My oldest brother (I am the baby) owes me thousands of dollars I will never see again. The last year or so, the only time I heard from him was when he wanted something. In August, on my birthday, I received a text from him, and I was SO excited, ready to forgive all, and try to be family again, until I read the text. He wanted to borrow money. And he wanted it brought to his house. Had he even said, "Happy Bday Sissy, can I borrow $" it wouldn't have hurt so badly.

 

My daughter was in town, so I had her run some money by to him. He texted he would come by in a few days to pay me back. The only time I have seen him since was bumping into him at a restaurant. When our uncle died, I called his daughter and had her pass the info along.

 

Like you, this started because I felt sorry for him and all his excuses. This has gone on for probably 12 years now. He has lived with me 3 or 4 times. I have sat down with him and worked on budgets, etc. trying to teach him financial responsibility, all for nothing. When it first started, I didn't have very much money, and had worked so hard scrimping and saving, just to wipe out my savings and give to him.

 

I'm done. I made excuses for myself, he's my brother, I love him, he wouldn't be like this if my parents hadn't always bailed him out, blah, blah. The truth is I have enabled him, therefore contributed to the problem. I don't see us ever having a normal sibling relationship at this point, which makes me very sad, but it is what it is.

 

Didn't mean to threadjack, just giving you a glimpse of your possible future should you continue down this road. I KNOW how hard it is to say 'no', but doing it sooner rather than later may actually salvage your relationship.

 

Good Luck!

[4givrnt4gtr]

well she always pays me back, a month or so later.

My worry is, what will happen if someday I dont have money to help her with? I mean, there was this one time i actually had to withdraw from my credit card which carried huge interests to give to her. My mom has had to do it as well. As i said she pays back but its just not a good way to live.

 

Actually thats the reason why i give her money, cuz she pays me back, otherwise I wouldnt do it. But still, she really really needs to learn to manage money, or change her lifestyle or SOMETHING. I mean come on! how is it that I, who work barely 19 hours making 12 dollars an hour and budgeting with school loans can pay rent, car, books and other living expense without having to ask for money, and she, who makes at least double of what i make, cant even pay her rent?!

its just ridiculous

[eeyore1981]

well she always pays me back, a month or so later.

My worry is, what will happen if someday I dont have money to help her with? I mean, there was this one time i actually had to withdraw from my credit card which carried huge interests to give to her. My mom has had to do it as well. As i said she pays back but its just not a good way to live.

 

Actually thats the reason why i give her money, cuz she pays me back, otherwise I wouldnt do it. But still, she really really needs to learn to manage money, or change her lifestyle or SOMETHING. I mean come on! how is it that I, who work barely 19 hours making 12 dollars an hour and budgeting with school loans can pay rent, car, books and other living expense without having to ask for money, and she, who makes at least double of what i make, cant even pay her rent?!

its just ridiculous

 

BBM

 

And there, my dear, is the crux of the matter. You have decided you HAVE to do this, but no, you do not. You and your mother are CHOOSING to be a crutch for your sister. You think you are helping her, but what you are doing is not letting her suffer the natural consequences of her actions, which is the best learning tool out there.

 

The three of you are playing out a ritual where everyone has their part. You are not happy with it, I assume your mother is not happy with it. I can assure you your sister is fine with it. If you want it to change, it is going to have to be you and your mother who says 'no more.' and sticks with it. Your sister is not ever going to stand on her own when she has people willing to prop her up.

[Mary3]

12 years will become 20 and all your savings drained and the culprit lives a great comfortable life while you charge cash advances on your credit cards...sick

[Ronni_W]

there was this one time i actually had to withdraw from my credit card which carried huge interests

Whether or not you empower yourself enough to be able to say no to her, she ought to be paying any interest or other costs that you incur when you lend her money.

 

As eeyore says, your sister is not your responsibility; you are not obligated to take care of any aspect of her life. It's fine if you want to...but it's not a "job" that you ought to feel pressured, manipulated and guilted into taking on.

[2sunny]

you are rewarding her bad behavior. you are taking her consequences away that would help her to learn better coping skills and better money management. if she doesn't, she can only blame herself for not making changes.

 

she plays the pity party guilt trip for a reason - it works for her, you cave.

 

i would call her immediately and tell her you changed your mind. no excuses, no reason to explain.

 

the next time she asks (and she will) just answer with "that's too bad - now what are you going to do about it?"

 

her problems don't need to become your problems. the sooner you start changing this - the better off you will both be... don't even lend her the money now! what makes her think the money you have - is money she should be able to borrow? what would happen if she never paid it back?

 

think about what i am saying... i would love to know your perspective and if you can tell her no.

 

remember - if nothing changes, nothing changes! so just tell her no.

[D-Lish]

I think you just have to say no.

 

When she sees a new pair of shoes or something shiny in a store window that she just has to have... She justifies buying it because she factors you and your mother into her monthly income. If you cut that off- she will be forced to scale back living beyond her means or face an eviction.

[4givrnt4gtr]

Well turns out she is also asking my brother for money. I told him that she asked me for money too and he was furious. My dad told us we have to stop giving her money. So we all will be stoping now.

 

The sad part was that the next day we went to her place for a visit, and we saw she just bought three huge mirrors (about $200 or so) to decorate her apartment. My brother was livid.

 

Yeah its bad...we gotta stop. Now i am nervous cuz she is saying that her employers are going to cut her pay......there goes my money....good lord

[2sunny]

Well turns out she is also asking my brother for money. I told him that she asked me for money too and he was furious. My dad told us we have to stop giving her money. So we all will be stoping now.

 

The sad part was that the next day we went to her place for a visit, and we saw she just bought three huge mirrors (about $200 or so) to decorate her apartment. My brother was livid.

 

Yeah its bad...we gotta stop. Now i am nervous cuz she is saying that her employers are going to cut her pay......there goes my money....good lord

 

you didn't give her the money did you? i hope not!!!!!! stop giving her what she needs to earn herself.

[Boundary Problem]

What social interaction does she have with you? ie taking an interest in your life.

 

Exclude every single interaction with you where she asked for money or was repaying money or was talking about maybe needing to borrow some money really soon.

[Mary3]

What social interaction does she have with you? ie taking an interest in your life.

 

Exclude every single interaction with you where she asked for money or was repaying money or was talking about maybe needing to borrow some money really soon.

Wow great BP

[alexisc]

Thats a pretty stressful situation.. you're definitely going to have to quit giving her money. It will help her out in the long run for sure. There really will come a time when you will have no money for her anyway, you know? She sounds halfway stable and educated. Sometimes you have to make people step up.

[4givrnt4gtr]

Well to answer the social interaction. She tried to ask me to hang out with her etc but honestly I dont like to. She has a horrible attitude in general and gets very aggressive. SHe likes to talk about family issues until she gets worked up and starts screaming and ranting about someone in the family. SO yeah I dont like hanging out with her much.

 

Actually today i told her I wasnt going to get paid til Dec 11 because of some payroll issue. All she did was look at me with this ooopss look and say "wow...what are we gonna do??? can you think of something we can do to make some money???"

 

ughhh she irritates me!

[2sunny]

Well to answer the social interaction. She tried to ask me to hang out with her etc but honestly I dont like to. She has a horrible attitude in general and gets very aggressive. SHe likes to talk about family issues until she gets worked up and starts screaming and ranting about someone in the family. SO yeah I dont like hanging out with her much.

 

Actually today i told her I wasnt going to get paid til Dec 11 because of some payroll issue. All she did was look at me with this ooopss look and say "wow...what are we gonna do??? can you think of something we can do to make some money???"

 

ughhh she irritates me!

 

i wonder why she seems to think the money is a combined problem. i would stop sharing any financial information with her - including when you may or may not get paid.

[Boundary Problem]

Well to answer the social interaction. She tried to ask me to hang out with her etc but honestly I dont like to. She has a horrible attitude in general and gets very aggressive. SHe likes to talk about family issues until she gets worked up and starts screaming and ranting about someone in the family. SO yeah I dont like hanging out with her much.

 

Actually today i told her I wasnt going to get paid til Dec 11 because of some payroll issue. All she did was look at me with this ooopss look and say "wow...what are we gonna do??? can you think of something we can do to make some money???"

 

ughhh she irritates me!

 

 

She seems very selfish. I guarantee that if you stop giving her money she will get it somewhere else. She probably has plan B, C, D etc if things don't work out iwth you.

 

 

I guess my point is that she sounds so self-centered that she will land on her feet if you cut her off. If you are struggling, I don't know why you won't cut her off. If you need help to do it, then ask your friends to intercede maybe. ??