My MM has been caught....

[MizFit]

MM and I have been together for just over 6 months...he's always maintained that he didn't want to leave and wouldn't leave due to his daughter.

 

Tonight he was caught out by an email confirmation of a train ticket. He's away on business for a fortnight so is in his hotel doing as much damage control as possible.

 

I told him to go away, as he should have done months ago, and figure out if he wants to go back or go forward and to figure out how he goes about doing whichever he chooses.

 

I'm a bit all over ghe place at the moment...he said she's planning on coming to mine to confront me so i'll speak to him about that tomorrow, but i'm planning on NC other than that.

 

I'm amazingly calm about it. I'm hoping that doesn't wear off and leave me a quivering wreck tomorrow.

 

Any advice from BS on what I tell his W? My thoughts, as a former BS myself, is the truth. I imagine he'll be squirming and covering, but my instinct is to tell her the truth.

 

Any advice from the OW on how i'm handling it? I,ve offered himgis freedom to sort things out and he's never taken it...now I have every intention of forcing him to take it.

 

Any thoughts welcome, good or bad.

[hopesndreams]

Do you have someone lined up to take his place? Or is this the day you have been looking forward to because he might just end up moving forward with you? Are you really done with him?

[jj33]

She has NO right to come to your house. And you have NO obligation to answer the door or let her in.

 

I appreciate she must be heartbroken and beside herself and want information, but she could call you, you could meet her at a starbucks or something, your home is not open to the pubic nor should you meet her in your home alone. She may be normal and just heartbroken or there could be trouble. You dont know.

 

I would lock the doors and not answer. You dont need a Jerry Springer like confrontation (tho if I were her I might do the same thing - go over and raise holy hell - not berating you just being objective).

 

But this post is about you. If she calls you and you want to speak to her do. There is nothing wrong with owning it.

 

On the other hand you may want to say you need to speak to your H, I cant speak for him.

 

But I would NOT lie for him. The woman has been betrayed. Lying only gaslights her. And it doesnt help you in any way. If he is going to leave he is going to leave and the truth will comeout anyway. If he isnt going to leave well he has to face the music, hes been caught.

 

Good luck.

[MizFit]

No...I don't have another one lined up. The last one was...oh yeah-never. So if I go as I am now i'll have another married man in my bed when i'm 92.

 

Am I done with him? Yes...I want to know what to expect if she turns up on my step and I want to see if he's lying. After that it's NC until he either comes to me with his shiny new divorce or never.

 

I agree she shouldn't come to my house, but it is entirely possible she'll be waiting for me. Glad I have agreement that I should tell her the truth...it's what I desperately wanted when my h cheated on me...I never got it.

 

I just sent him an email today saying I wished he'd get caught, wished he never would...him getting caught was either my biggest hope or my biggest fear.

 

Thx for the responses...I know that I have an outlook that's not the same as most on here...the ow is inconsequential in an a. When my h cheated on me I never blamed his AP...he made the vow, not her. I know this is very different to the thoughts of most, but since I was on that side I have a valid opinion.

[JaneDoe35]

MizFit, when I spoke to my husband's OW, I was extremely polite and kept calm. I asked if she loved her husband or mine and what she was planning to do next.

 

I also told her to remember that there are two sides to every story and that maybe my husband was not always completely honest with her.

 

She was very dismissive of me and showed very little respect but I remained friendly and by the end of the conversation she liked me.

 

Inside I was very sad and hurt but I did not want her to see that.

 

I know that you are going to be honest.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

dont lie to her. i lied to her and regret it every day of my life. he called me first to let me know what to say. i wish i could go back and do it all again, either dont say anything at all or be honest. if you choose to discuss it then you are "owning" it and you need to own it truthfully. to lie would be to continue the wrong thats being done to her.

 

im a little in shock at your reaction to him. did you want the affair to be over?

[hopesndreams]

Chances are your OM is putting the fright in you, wanting you to think his W will coming pounding on the door and when you open it, she will rip your head off if you don't back up his claims of nothing happened. She may be a sweet, demure woman and not confront you at all. Or, the complete opposite. Hope for your sake she's not barmy and goes for your jugular. It might be best if you keep the doors locked and the curtains closed, just in case.

[whichwayisup]

Be honest with her. If the A is truly over and you to clear your conscious, begin your own healing process, answer what she asks, be respectful and be genuine. Own up to your part in the affair, but don't take responsibility for HIS choices. That's his to admit/own.

She has NO right to come to your house. And you have NO obligation to answer the door or let her in.

 

Yes she does. Miz had an affair with this woman's husband, Miz KNEW he was married so it's not like she went in blind and clueless. She doesn't have an obligation, you're right about that, but I do hope she chooses to talk to MM's wife, and things can get sorted out.

 

NOT ALL BS's go nuts on their MM's OW. Just like not all OW's HATE their MM's wives.

[norajane]

I'd recommend telling her the truth. There really is no good that would come out of lying - you certainly won't feel good about yourself for lying. He's doing damage control and trying to make you seem like nothing or like you don't exist, and I think it would be personally damaging to invalidate yourself like that by corroborating that you don't exist and are really nothing.

 

Plus, it's easier to tell the truth than to figure out what stupid story to tell and to make up lies to make the stupid story sound true.

 

The woman's been lied to plenty by her H; it's sad that she has to come to you to learn the truth because she knows she won't get that from him. It will be a difficult conversation for both of you, but, in the end, at least you'll know that you didn't stoop to being a lying liar who lies just like her H.

Edited November 11, 2009 by norajane

[NoIDidn't]

She has NO right to come to your house. And you have NO obligation to answer the door or let her in.

 

Actually, the BW has every right to go to MizFit's home. But you are right that MizFit doesn't have to let her in. Remember, this BW did nothing wrong so what's wrong with her going to the OW for the truth considering the OW had no right to her H?

 

I'm glad you are considering telling her the truth. I think that the MM is pulling your leg a little though. He sounds like he's hoping she will confront you so he can skate by. Sounds very cowardly on his part.

 

I think she has every right to go to your home, considering the interference in her marriage BUT I think MM should be the one convincing her NOT to do that and should be taking one for the "affair team". I don't like the way he is handling this at all.

[MizFit]

Thanks for all of the comments...I fully intend to be honest with her, but if she does go off the deep end I'll ask her to calm down or leave and we can reschedule. One of the reasons I'm quite sure of what her reaction is going to be...I know some people she does and have been on the outside of their circle a few times. Add to that the email she sent me during the night...she's reacting as 99% of women would react.

 

MM is actually doing very well...he and I have been on the phone just discussing when she might come through-work schedule so I don't get blindsided. He's decided that when he's back from his trip he's going to tell her everything right from the start...he is still unsure what he'll do if he has a choice, but as I told him I knew the score from the start. I just gave him the not kicking me under the bus talk...I'll absolutely own what I did, but I will not own it all and if it appears that's what's happening I'll give him a chance to set it straight...if he doesn't then I send over some minor things. I'm happy to hold up my hands to what she sees as my part in it, but as I said I won't be his scapegoat.

 

I do appreciate all of the comments and I imagine I'll have a rough few weeks ahead. Excuse me if I implode...

[MizzBlue72]

Coming from the OW POV:

I don't think it is your place to talk to the BS. That is HIS place.

I think it's good that it's out in the open -- it forces a decision, good or bad.

I think you need to back off and allow him to choose. If you push and force, and he does end up choosing you and things are ever 'bad' - you will be the first to hear 'it's your fault - I did this for you, etc.'

He needs to either stay or leave and you should make yourself unavailable...

Good luck.

[MizFit]

Coming from the OW POV:

I don't think it is your place to talk to the BS. That is HIS place.

I think it's good that it's out in the open -- it forces a decision, good or bad.

I think you need to back off and allow him to choose. If you push and force, and he does end up choosing you and things are ever 'bad' - you will be the first to hear 'it's your fault - I did this for you, etc.'

He needs to either stay or leave and you should make yourself unavailable...

Good luck.

 

The problem we have is he's out of the country for a fortnight and there is no changing that. She has told him she's coming up...he's just making me aware. He can't change her actions any more than I can change his. I agree it is his place, but this one is just a little bit of a wild card as to how it will play out.

 

I agree about backing off and that's what I've done. One of the things he said to me tonight was that he should have listened to me when we were just over a month into things...I told him to do it the right way. Take some time, see where you want to be, make your decision and either stay or leave of your own accord. I told him that if he got caught out it would change everyone's perception of him and his life would never be the same again. I also said that it was the fair thing to do for his wife and daughter...he was so sure he'd not get caught...

[MizzBlue72]

Sorry - was not aware of the locale. Yeah - that sucks.

Well, at least it will be out in the open.

 

I think you will handle this as well as possible. We all could have stopped after the first month and re-evaluate - hell - I wish I would have re-evaluated the hell out of my A!!!

 

Good luck - hope it works out for the best.

[MizFit]

Sorry - was not aware of the locale. Yeah - that sucks.

Well, at least it will be out in the open.

 

I think you will handle this as well as possible. We all could have stopped after the first month and re-evaluate - hell - I wish I would have re-evaluated the hell out of my A!!!

 

Good luck - hope it works out for the best.

 

 

Thanks Mizz...it will, whichever he decides. It's just sad he could have avoided it all by not being so cowardly...or maybe even so confident.

 

I'm actually doing ok at the moment...off to work in a moment so, on goes the life!

[NoIDidn't]

Thanks for all of the comments...I fully intend to be honest with her, but if she does go off the deep end I'll ask her to calm down or leave and we can reschedule. One of the reasons I'm quite sure of what her reaction is going to be...I know some people she does and have been on the outside of their circle a few times. Add to that the email she sent me during the night...she's reacting as 99% of women would react.

 

MM is actually doing very well...he and I have been on the phone just discussing when she might come through-work schedule so I don't get blindsided. He's decided that when he's back from his trip he's going to tell her everything right from the start...he is still unsure what he'll do if he has a choice, but as I told him I knew the score from the start. I just gave him the not kicking me under the bus talk...I'll absolutely own what I did, but I will not own it all and if it appears that's what's happening I'll give him a chance to set it straight...if he doesn't then I send over some minor things. I'm happy to hold up my hands to what she sees as my part in it, but as I said I won't be his scapegoat.

 

I do appreciate all of the comments and I imagine I'll have a rough few weeks ahead. Excuse me if I implode...

 

I can really appreciate your saying this. But I feel that he needs to be convincing his W to leave you alone and wait until he gets home to speak with HIM, not you.

 

I think she has every right to approach you, but I don't think it will be very helpful to her and its HIS job to get her to realize that. I can't say that he's throwing you under the bus, but something is going on here if he is not doing all he can to get her to not visit you - unless you know each other already as it seems that you might know "of" each other.

 

Just be careful. I wouldn't feel comfortable with a BW on my front door, actually. I'd be happy to speak with her, but not in my home if possible.

 

Please don't implode. It could prove messy.

[MizFit]

I can really appreciate your saying this. But I feel that he needs to be convincing his W to leave you alone and wait until he gets home to speak with HIM, not you.

 

I think she has every right to approach you, but I don't think it will be very helpful to her and its HIS job to get her to realize that. I can't say that he's throwing you under the bus, but something is going on here if he is not doing all he can to get her to not visit you - unless you know each other already as it seems that you might know "of" each other.

 

Just be careful. I wouldn't feel comfortable with a BW on my front door, actually. I'd be happy to speak with her, but not in my home if possible.

 

Please don't implode. It could prove messy.

 

 

Thanks for that...he is trying to do what he can, but at the end of the day he is completely isolated physically from the situation. He truly cannot leave this trip unless it's an actual death in the immediate family basically...I'm confident he'll do all he can to keep her away. Throwing me under the bus...don't see it happening to this point and I hope I'm a good enough judge of his character to be able to look back in a few weeks and report that he didn't. What he says in private is up to him, but any signs of it happening and I'll humbly come back and say, huh, was I ever wrong.

 

I'm not thrilled about her coming to my house but she found my address. I really can't do anything about it other than be civil, possibly request we meet in 15 minutes at a coffee house, or reschedule it. I won't have her in my house though.

 

I will be honest about it as well...I'll keep everyone posted. Thanks again for the comments and support.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

I thought I was a great judge of my xMM's character. after all I've known him for almost 10 years. And I got thrown right under that bus. In fact the rubber from the tires is still burning my a**.

 

I was shocked. Still am. I had NO idea he had it in him. And for the first week or two after d-day he was still on my side, telling me what i needed to hear etc.

 

So just be prepared. That bus might come and hit you from out of nowhere.

[MizFit]

I thought I was a great judge of my xMM's character. after all I've known him for almost 10 years. And I got thrown right under that bus. In fact the rubber from the tires is still burning my a**.

 

I was shocked. Still am. I had NO idea he had it in him. And for the first week or two after d-day he was still on my side, telling me what i needed to hear etc.

 

So just be prepared. That bus might come and hit you from out of nowhere.

 

 

I appreciate that MBEG and in all honesty it is something on my mind. He'll be physically gone for 2 weeks and my concern is how he acts now and how he acts when he's face to face with her. At the end of the day I can only go by his actions...at first I think he was scrambling and might have been tempted to ask me to like, but he didn't. Things unraveled quickly and thoroughly. Once he's back and sitting with her face to face the whole situation may change and I may have the mark from the other tire and a muffler burn to boot!

 

I've watched your story with great interest MBEG. The strength you've developed over the last few weeks is amazing. I know it hasn't been easy...keep up the good work.

[norajane]

Throwing me under the bus...don't see it happening to this point and I hope I'm a good enough judge of his character to be able to look back in a few weeks and report that he didn't. What he says in private is up to him, but any signs of it happening and I'll humbly come back and say, huh, was I ever wrong.

Please don't give a second thought to what you'd have to tell anyone here, humbly or not!

 

But do be prepared for that "damage control" you mentioned in your OP of this thread. He will be trying to minimize the damage - either to save his own ass as much as possible, or in a misguided attempt to minimize his wife's pain, or for whatever reason - and part of that damage control will be to minimize your affair and to reassure her as much as possible. That could take the form of throwing you under the bus, to some extent.

 

Also, his character includes lying to his wife and deceiving her all this time, for his own benefit and for his own selfish purposes to get what he wants. Don't overlook or minimize that deceptive and selfish part of his character when you consider who he really is and what he might do. He lied to his wife to suit himself; you don't yet know if he'd lie to you to suit himself nor to what extent.

 

Just be prepared in case you find out he's not the man you thought he was, as his wife is forced to realize right now.

[torranceshipman]

Why does he have to be out if town for 2 weeks? I'm presuming that it's a life or death reason, if his M has just been bought to it's knees, his W is distraught and his OW is also greatly distressed by everything? To leave the 2 women he supposedly loves more than anything, in a crisis situation like this says a lot about his character! Can't he just get his ass on a plane?

[2sure]

Ive spoken to quite a few of my H's OW.

I am the stereotypical crazy wife a lot of the time...but my crazy is directed at him. So - when he knew I was contacting the OW he expected me to show them full on crazy. But they didnt get that from me, because I am ...well, sane.

 

Still, it would not have been in anyone's best interest for any OW and I to talk until I had cooled down a few days. After that, it wasnt bad. I felt most of them were victims of circumstance HE created .

 

For me, talking with the OW took the power out of his betrayal and also validated my existence to OW, and kind of served to show me she was human being too.

[MizFit]

Why does he have to be out if town for 2 weeks? I'm presuming that it's a life or death reason, if his M has just been bought to it's knees, his W is distraught and his OW is also greatly distressed by everything? To leave the 2 women he supposedly loves more than anything, in a crisis situation like this says a lot about his character! Can't he just get his ass on a plane?

 

 

He's the manager of an oil rig in the North Sea...it's a 2 week rotation and if you're there you don't leave unless it's a death or something very close to...

 

 

Bit of an updae...they've been in contact and he is going to try and work it out with her. He rang to tell me and apologize and thank me...it got quite emotional a few times, but at the end of the day he's doing what he needs to and maybe it'll work or them. Of course the last comment he made was asking if he could call tomorrow night. He also said something about if things don't work out in 9 months. I thought, here we go...

 

I'm horribly sad that it's worked this way...I never thought I'd fall in love like this again. As I said to him...make it work so all of my hurt isn't in vain.

 

I also let him know that in light of this I will not be speaking with her. If she shows up then I'll be as polite as she is, but if she's gunning for a verbal sparring match I will beat her.

 

Thanks all...appreciate the support.

Edited November 12, 2009 by MizFit

[jj33]

Glad things are calmer. Its difficult but you have to let him go. BLOCK HIM.

 

You are not Plan B. You are not the evil cheerleader sitting on the sidelines hoping and praying they dont make it work.

 

Nor are you the martyr saying yes I will wait, put my life on hold so that if you are free in 9 months, I will be there, waiting for a look a word something that says you still love me...

 

Tell him you are going NC. That you applaud his choice to work on his marriag and you are going to move forward with your life and the only way to do that is to cease all contact (not for him - you are not a rehab center - FOR YOU).

 

Its not easy but it must be done.

[fooled once]

Glad things are calmer. Its difficult but you have to let him go. BLOCK HIM.

 

You are not Plan B. You are not the evil cheerleader sitting on the sidelines hoping and praying they dont make it work.

 

Nor are you the martyr saying yes I will wait, put my life on hold so that if you are free in 9 months, I will be there, waiting for a look a word something that says you still love me...

 

Tell him you are going NC. That you applaud his choice to work on his marriag and you are going to move forward with your life and the only way to do that is to cease all contact (not for him - you are not a rehab center - FOR YOU).

 

Its not easy but it must be done.

 

I totally agree --- don't be Plan B.

 

If it is really over, stop talking to him. Stop taking his calls. Stop being his person. He chose his wife; let her be his person. MAKE her be his person by NOT being HIS person any more.

 

Good luck!