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My MM has been caught....


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Impudent Oyster
No, As I am reading this he just left my house to head to work after spending the night having dinner with me, washing the dishes with me, helping my son with his homework, play fighting with my daughters, and holding me all night as we slept. He left about 15 minutes ago, called me ten minutes ago to tell me that he loves me, and to remind me to take something out for dinner tonight, and wish me a nice day at work. But, Good try! :rolleyes:

 

 

He LIVES with you?

 

Okay, then I'm clearly misunderstanding this relationship.

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Impudent Oyster
No, As I am reading this he just left my house to head to work after spending the night having dinner with me, washing the dishes with me, helping my son with his homework, play fighting with my daughters, and holding me all night as we slept. He left about 15 minutes ago, called me ten minutes ago to tell me that he loves me, and to remind me to take something out for dinner tonight, and wish me a nice day at work. But, Good try! :rolleyes:

 

 

He LIVES with you?

 

Okay, then I'm clearly misunderstanding this relationship.

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I would bet any amount of money that the BW is NOT fighting for him. I guarantee that she thinks he is through with fallen angel and he is groveling and begging her forgiveness.

 

No way on earth would a wife "fight" for her cheating husband if she knew he was still cheating. Not. A. Chance.

 

oh, I agree!

 

I was just trying to phrase my response in that post in the correct way so as not to offend anybody. :p

 

I didn't fight for my WH after I found out that he was still talking to the OW after d-day. I gave up...it felt so degrading to ME to fight for someone like that. I refused to do it and made it clear to my H. Besides, I had very much felt like my WH and his OW were always one step ahead of me because I had just recently found out the truth of the A.

 

I got tired of being in the 'triangle' very quickly...I didn't sign up for that type of drama in my life (unlike my H and the OW who apparently loved the drama) and I was having a difficult enough time with the sting of the infidelity to allow myself to be further degraded by participating in a nasty love triangle. It was just gross.

 

I wonder how many other BS have refused to participate in the triangle once they found out? I would really love to know.

 

I know most OW don't believe that BW actually do this... but I told my H to go to his OW...I gave up the fight as soon as I found out they were still in contact. There was nothing more I could do.

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You'd be surprised at how many people, husbands included, will fight for a cheating spouse.

 

It was at the point when she could no longer deny that I existed, and that we were together, that my H's xW became interested in "fighting for him" rather than merely trying to screw him over in the D.

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FA, your posts struck me, esp the defense of your compassion so I went back to the threads you started to get a better picture.

 

If you truly believe all the good you have in yourself why would you feel the need to *fight* for a man? Love doesn’t require us to fight for anyone. It’s a huge misconception that if love is really worth it, it will be hard and sometimes hurt and be worth fighting for…that’s not love Fallen. The one you love and that loves you, will not bring you even 1 day of tears *over* them. How many times have you cried over this?

 

You’ve admitted that you came to MM broken and abused and he helped fix your bad image. Don’t you see the power you have handed over to him? He knows you are dependent on him for your very opinion of yourself. Generally that’s why r’ships with men do not work for women from abused situations until the women fix themselves to go on to find a healthy r’ship. Not stuck in one that they were tricked into.

 

I understand v well coming from coming from an abusive past that’s why I can see this clearly. I read his response to youand his character is clear and fits the perfect mold of someone you’d feel safe with and yet really isn’t doing anything all that unique but has you convinced it’s the greatest love b/c of your past. I now know what love should be...it took years.

 

Even though I’ve never been an OW I still made lousy r’ship choices that’s why I don’t understand the mindset here of BW vs OW . Anyone can bring value to a discussion.The fact is, a guy that you will attract coming out of an abusive situation is going to prey on your weaknesses 100pct of the time. It was not until many years after my D and off and on dating, I then took 2 years off to fix me, to become totally happy by myself. Then I could see why I was attracting who I was. I too thought all I suffered made me strong and that guys would see that. You cannot start a healthy r’ship with an unhealthy mindset of yourself. It sets the dependent/co-dependent stage. You stated less than a month ago that you know you should let go but you can’t…that’s fear not love. Love isn't frantic, it doesn't cause turmoil, it never delights or can be built upon someone else's pain.

 

I’m happily married now but that’s b/c *I* fixed what was broken. Why come to this site that’s filled with pain? Because I want to help, it’s all in my posting hx but most people here I see, prefer the blind leading the blind and think any other point is an attack. And yes, it is depressing but I wanted to come back and check on how someone else was faring. Things don’t change much here it’s a shame.

 

It’s a shame that you don’t think people will put others before themselves. They can and do every day from the truly heroic soldiers to someone putting themselves in harm’s way (save a drowning swimmer), to people who become bone marrow donors (v painful) for no other reason than to help a stranger in need. I’m happy and blessed that I’m surrounded by human kindness perhaps there’s truth to the like minded attract the same and if you see mostly goodness in your life you believe most people are good and cultivate more goodness, that’s IME. but if you see people as cheaters, then that colors your perception and think well most people must be. Of course this site is going to perpetuate that erroneous thought.

 

I understand why some are questioning your compassion. It’s as if you claimed to be a nice person, but there was one person that you did really mean things to. Could you really say you are a nice person b/c it’s only 1 person that you’re hurting? One makes no difference? The justice system could have field day.

 

I met a v cool ROW on this site and we are polar opposites for the most part as she doesn’t believe in God however she did believe in basic human kindness so we still had a bond. To do unto others. That’s not just who you see fit, that’s not “mostly” everyone….it’s just simply “others” . Whether or not you have a Christian belief is not the point, she was agnostic and got it. If you believe in any higher power they all hold the “harmony” as the common thread. From Buddhists, to Native American, to Muslim they all have beneficence at their heart. To treat others *all* as you wish to be treated.

 

I’m not sure what’s happened in less than a month when you were on the path to ending this and now where you’re uber defensive in your posts. I can only assume that he’s appeasing you more.

 

All I’m saying is if you want to reconcile these 2 opposing things. (who you say you are vs your actions) One of 2 things would need to happen. Either you let MM go realizing you should have a complete and total love not scraps pieced together to appear whole. And the fact that he introduces you to others (entitlement) is disturbing. You still don't *have* him, not if you can't meet his children, share the holidays etc...

 

Or you embrace the fact that you cannot call yourself compassionate, if you are willing to help to choose to destroy(ugly word right? not who you want to be yet it is a reality) another’s life as she knows it. If we use your logic (it’s just the W and you don’t think about her and you’re compassionate to all others) the one time murderer should have a free pass, after all it was just one, if you’re a thief it shouldn’t matter unless you steal more than once, etc.. Life doesn't work that way FA.

 

We all have a conscience I think that is what you are battling. Until you see that, you’ll continue to feel turmoil in your choices that don’t line up with your core beliefs. 2 opposing things like this cannot peacefully co-exist, no way no how. One or the other has to be lost.

 

The choice as always is yours. I have no dog in this race, I won’t lose sleep over your actions, I don’t like to see people in pain and I’m far from bitter. I’d just like you to see you have to own your actions not just pick and choose the ones that flatter you the most. I just don’t like to see someone justifying extreme hurtful behavior towards another human and then still insisting they are compassionate and not seeing the hypocrisy that you are indeed portraying.

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No, As I am reading this he just left my house to head to work after spending the night having dinner with me, washing the dishes with me, helping my son with his homework, play fighting with my daughters, and holding me all night as we slept. He left about 15 minutes ago, called me ten minutes ago to tell me that he loves me, and to remind me to take something out for dinner tonight, and wish me a nice day at work. But, Good try! :rolleyes:

 

Why is another woman's husband helping your son with his homework and play fighting with your daughters? I understand the holding you at night as you slept but why are your kids involved with this unavailable man?

 

Is this man going to have a permanent place in your children's lives? I don't know your story and I am not being sarcastic.

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Impudent Oyster
Why is another woman's husband helping your son with his homework and play fighting with your daughters? I understand the holding you at night as you slept but why are your kids involved with this unavailable man?

 

 

I agree...I find that very, very disturbing.

 

It's one thing to get involved with a MM, but to drag your children into an affair? Do they know he's married? I cannot fathom how one can do that to their children. :eek:

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Impudent Oyster
oh, I agree!

 

I was just trying to phrase my response in that post in the correct way so as not to offend anybody. :p

 

I didn't fight for my WH after I found out that he was still talking to the OW after d-day. I gave up...it felt so degrading to ME to fight for someone like that. I refused to do it and made it clear to my H. Besides, I had very much felt like my WH and his OW were always one step ahead of me because I had just recently found out the truth of the A.

 

I got tired of being in the 'triangle' very quickly...I didn't sign up for that type of drama in my life (unlike my H and the OW who apparently loved the drama) and I was having a difficult enough time with the sting of the infidelity to allow myself to be further degraded by participating in a nasty love triangle. It was just gross.

 

I wonder how many other BS have refused to participate in the triangle once they found out? I would really love to know.

 

I know most OW don't believe that BW actually do this... but I told my H to go to his OW...I gave up the fight as soon as I found out they were still in contact. There was nothing more I could do.

 

Yep...I sent him packing too. He wouldn't go! :laugh:

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Yep...I sent him packing too. He wouldn't go! :laugh:

 

Thanks for responding! I hope you were able to reconcile successfully.

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As I said, that's just the latest in a list of things you've said about him. And yeah, I'd see it as controlling because its not just this, but added to all the other things you've written about. And no, its not something you do in a loving relationship. In a loving relationship you can trust the other person to be an adult and do the right thing.

 

Reminding a fully grown man to lock his truck and set his alarm? Do you remind each other to wipe too?

 

This is hiliarious! :lmao:

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His W could be like a pitbull and never let go of her H. What then? Do like your mother did and wait for MM and eventually get him after many, many years of waiting? What about your daughters? Will they too follow in the footsteps of their mother? All for love eh? What a strong emotion "love" is.

 

I loved my H, would have died for him but he continued to see his MOW. My self-respect in not wanting to be in competition with her made me be done with him. Tell his W you will never let her H go. It may be your only chance at having him all to yourself for a bit, until he does the same to you. But, oh no, he isn't like that! Yeah, right. Whatever.

 

In the beginning you came across as reflective but the more I read of you, am finding you are just a pampered princess with a self-esteem that is in the toilet.

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His W could be like a pitbull and never let go of her H. What then? Do like your mother did and wait for MM and eventually get him after many, many years of waiting? What about your daughters? Will they too follow in the footsteps of their mother? All for love eh? What a strong emotion "love" is.

 

I loved my H, would have died for him but he continued to see his MOW. My self-respect in not wanting to be in competition with her made me be done with him. Tell his W you will never let her H go. It may be your only chance at having him all to yourself for a bit, until he does the same to you. But, oh no, he isn't like that! Yeah, right. Whatever.

 

In the beginning you came across as reflective but the more I read of you, am finding you are just a pampered princess with a self-esteem that is in the toilet.

 

You are absolutely right, you know everything about me, and have every right to judge my character and entire life of works, good and bad. I am a horrible, ugly, sad, hateful, mean, abusive, campassionless, evil, twisted, fat, disgusting peice of crap who has led the life of a "pampered princess" and feels that the world owes me everything, and I aim to get everything I want no matter who or what gets in my way.

 

I should be publicly flogged. I should be permanently branded. I should be stoned in the streets, since I am such a horrible and worthless excuse for a human being. YOU ARE ABSOLUTLY RIGHT ABOUT EVERY JUDGEMENT YOU HAVE PASSED ON ME!!!

 

There, don't you feel so much better now that you have put me in my place?

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SerenityX2, What a beautiful post. I especially liked the last paragraph. We don't have to be bitter or losing sleep in trying to help someone see the duality they are displaying. And its certainly not hateful or even an attempt to hurt to tell the truth to them about their behavior.

 

FA, your posts struck me, esp the defense of your compassion so I went back to the threads you started to get a better picture.

 

If you truly believe all the good you have in yourself why would you feel the need to *fight* for a man? Love doesn’t require us to fight for anyone. It’s a huge misconception that if love is really worth it, it will be hard and sometimes hurt and be worth fighting for…that’s not love Fallen. The one you love and that loves you, will not bring you even 1 day of tears *over* them. How many times have you cried over this?

 

You’ve admitted that you came to MM broken and abused and he helped fix your bad image. Don’t you see the power you have handed over to him? He knows you are dependent on him for your very opinion of yourself. Generally that’s why r’ships with men do not work for women from abused situations until the women fix themselves to go on to find a healthy r’ship. Not stuck in one that they were tricked into.

 

I understand v well coming from coming from an abusive past that’s why I can see this clearly. I read his response to youand his character is clear and fits the perfect mold of someone you’d feel safe with and yet really isn’t doing anything all that unique but has you convinced it’s the greatest love b/c of your past. I now know what love should be...it took years.

 

Even though I’ve never been an OW I still made lousy r’ship choices that’s why I don’t understand the mindset here of BW vs OW . Anyone can bring value to a discussion.The fact is, a guy that you will attract coming out of an abusive situation is going to prey on your weaknesses 100pct of the time. It was not until many years after my D and off and on dating, I then took 2 years off to fix me, to become totally happy by myself. Then I could see why I was attracting who I was. I too thought all I suffered made me strong and that guys would see that. You cannot start a healthy r’ship with an unhealthy mindset of yourself. It sets the dependent/co-dependent stage. You stated less than a month ago that you know you should let go but you can’t…that’s fear not love. Love isn't frantic, it doesn't cause turmoil, it never delights or can be built upon someone else's pain.

 

I’m happily married now but that’s b/c *I* fixed what was broken. Why come to this site that’s filled with pain? Because I want to help, it’s all in my posting hx but most people here I see, prefer the blind leading the blind and think any other point is an attack. And yes, it is depressing but I wanted to come back and check on how someone else was faring. Things don’t change much here it’s a shame.

 

It’s a shame that you don’t think people will put others before themselves. They can and do every day from the truly heroic soldiers to someone putting themselves in harm’s way (save a drowning swimmer), to people who become bone marrow donors (v painful) for no other reason than to help a stranger in need. I’m happy and blessed that I’m surrounded by human kindness perhaps there’s truth to the like minded attract the same and if you see mostly goodness in your life you believe most people are good and cultivate more goodness, that’s IME. but if you see people as cheaters, then that colors your perception and think well most people must be. Of course this site is going to perpetuate that erroneous thought.

 

I understand why some are questioning your compassion. It’s as if you claimed to be a nice person, but there was one person that you did really mean things to. Could you really say you are a nice person b/c it’s only 1 person that you’re hurting? One makes no difference? The justice system could have field day.

 

I met a v cool ROW on this site and we are polar opposites for the most part as she doesn’t believe in God however she did believe in basic human kindness so we still had a bond. To do unto others. That’s not just who you see fit, that’s not “mostly” everyone….it’s just simply “others” . Whether or not you have a Christian belief is not the point, she was agnostic and got it. If you believe in any higher power they all hold the “harmony” as the common thread. From Buddhists, to Native American, to Muslim they all have beneficence at their heart. To treat others *all* as you wish to be treated.

 

I’m not sure what’s happened in less than a month when you were on the path to ending this and now where you’re uber defensive in your posts. I can only assume that he’s appeasing you more.

 

All I’m saying is if you want to reconcile these 2 opposing things. (who you say you are vs your actions) One of 2 things would need to happen. Either you let MM go realizing you should have a complete and total love not scraps pieced together to appear whole. And the fact that he introduces you to others (entitlement) is disturbing. You still don't *have* him, not if you can't meet his children, share the holidays etc...

 

Or you embrace the fact that you cannot call yourself compassionate, if you are willing to help to choose to destroy(ugly word right? not who you want to be yet it is a reality) another’s life as she knows it. If we use your logic (it’s just the W and you don’t think about her and you’re compassionate to all others) the one time murderer should have a free pass, after all it was just one, if you’re a thief it shouldn’t matter unless you steal more than once, etc.. Life doesn't work that way FA.

 

We all have a conscience I think that is what you are battling. Until you see that, you’ll continue to feel turmoil in your choices that don’t line up with your core beliefs. 2 opposing things like this cannot peacefully co-exist, no way no how. One or the other has to be lost.

 

The choice as always is yours. I have no dog in this race, I won’t lose sleep over your actions, I don’t like to see people in pain and I’m far from bitter. I’d just like you to see you have to own your actions not just pick and choose the ones that flatter you the most. I just don’t like to see someone justifying extreme hurtful behavior towards another human and then still insisting they are compassionate and not seeing the hypocrisy that you are indeed portraying.

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Serenity,

 

I appreciate the things you are saying, and I will take the time to consider them carefully. But I will say the truth is that I do "own" my part in all of this.

 

As to being compassionless simply because I love someone and want very much to be with him, that is simply not the truth no matter how many times it is repeated to me.

 

You all keep parroting that I am saying one thing and showing another simply because YOU (not you specifically, a general YOU) think the only way I can "show" my compassion, is by walking away from the man I love.

 

I put to you, that if my "lack of compassion" (it has now been said many times that I am a liar and have NO COMPASSION) is PROVEN in your eyes by my "faliure" in this one area in my life, so too then isn't it PROOF of YOUR OWN lack of compassion and a duality, that you all can seem to find no compassion for me?

 

Just curious as to how you can not see the hypocrisy in your own statements? After all, I am being told that my lack of compassion (in your eyes) for one person, proves my lack of compassion in my whole life. (Never mind the fact that I do MANY things that would run contrary to this opinion you have of me.) **Again, Serenity, this is not aimed at you specifically, but to the general population of people who have been attacking me specifically in this thread.

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Serenity,

 

I appreciate the things you are saying, and I will take the time to consider them carefully. But I will say the truth is that I do "own" my part in all of this.

 

As to being compassionless simply because I love someone and want very much to be with him, that is simply not the truth no matter how many times it is repeated to me.

 

You all keep parroting that I am saying one thing and showing another simply because YOU (not you specifically, a general YOU) think the only way I can "show" my compassion, is by walking away from the man I love.

 

I put to you, that if my "lack of compassion" (it has now been said many times that I am a liar and have NO COMPASSION) is PROVEN in your eyes by my "faliure" in this one area in my life, so too then isn't it PROOF of YOUR OWN lack of compassion and a duality, that you all can seem to find no compassion for me?

 

Just curious as to how you can not see the hypocrisy in your own statements? After all, I am being told that my lack of compassion (in your eyes) for one person, proves my lack of compassion in my whole life. (Never mind the fact that I do MANY things that would run contrary to this opinion you have of me.) **Again, Serenity, this is not aimed at you specifically, but to the general population of people who have been attacking me specifically in this thread.

 

Good grief, Fallen. You are certainly gifted at taking a point and applying it in places where it was not meant. I don't think anyone has said that you are not compassionate in all areas of your life because of this affair. However, you can't claim compassion for his W, and stay in the affair and even brag about it here.

 

Compassion is not simply making you feel better about yourself and your choices. You have not been attacked here. At least not by me. And, even Serenity pointed that out.

 

You don't have to agree with me, but you can't change the meaning of compassion to suit your own needs.

 

BTW, I don't think anyone has attacked you. But it was certainly tacky of you to use whatever time you spent with this MM and him with your family one night, as a defense of some sort.

Edited by NoIDidn't
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Good grief, Fallen.

 

Just because we don't tell you "now dear, dear don't feel bad about what you are doing to this man's family. you are still a lovely person." Doesn't mean that we aren't being compassionate.

 

Compassion is not simply making you feel better about yourself and your choices. You have not been attacked here. At least not by me. And, even Serenity pointed that out.

 

You don't have to agree with me, but you can't change the meaning of compassion to suit your own needs.

 

I haven't felt attacked by you, and I do not expect to be coddled, however if you read through this thread you will see that I have indeed been attacked by several people here. (Though a few have them have already been removed by the MODs. Including one where I was called fat and worthless.) So perhaps I am a bit touchy here, but I know that not everyone can possibly believe that I am totally without compassion, even though that seems to be the general consensus these days.

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But it was certainly tacky of you to use whatever time you spent with this MM and him with your family one night' date=' as a defense of some sort.[/quote']

 

Perhaps you are correct, but I was responding with truth to a post that was aimed at no point other than an attempt to wound me that was even more tacky.

 

Does it make it right? No, but like I said, this thread seems to have taken a turn towards attacks on me, I am sorry if you do not see it that way... but I would view it as an attack on you, if it was you in my shoes and people were posting about you the way they have about me. :confused:

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So perhaps I am a bit touchy here, but I know that not everyone can possibly believe that I am totally without compassion, even though that seems to be the general consensus these days.

 

FA, I am one of the posters here that said you lacked compassion for the BW. I said that and you're right.

 

I was a bit disappointed because you seemed to have a care for the pain of others except for the BW in your case because you want what she still has...her husband. Since you don't appear (note the don't appear) to have any compassion for her pain because she has something you want it changed my opinion of your responses. I have seen your write some incredibly thoughtful responses to others here. I just thought you were a little different was all.

 

As for the nasty comments directed your way, I thought that was terrible and I'm glad the MODs removed them.

 

I will leave you with one little piece of advice and I say this for your sake...please do not believe everything your MM is saying about his wife and marriage. For some reason, many OW seem to take what the OM says about his marriage/wife as the gospel truth and obsess unnecessarily about both.

 

For all any of us know, your MM has told his wife that the A is over and he is recommitted to his marriage. Please be careful with your heart.

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