My MM has been caught....

[NoIDidn't]

Your LOL was dripping with venom so I thought it was appropriate to respond...you may not agree about who actually got married that day-your choice. We disagree and you obviously are a pretty rigid character...you tend not to even think anyone has the right to another opinion, let alone actually try and understand a perspsective.

 

I get it. The internet is a hard medium to tell if someone was just laughing. So instead of considering that I was laughing you jump to take offense. But I'm the rigid one.

 

No venom here. Is it just me, or are some of the OP posters unusually touchy of late?

 

You said that you didn't make the vows 30 YEARS AGO. I thought it was funny. Kinda like me hopping on a plane to Cuba even though its illegal for me to do so from the States, and telling Immigration that I didn't sign the bill into law however many years ago, so they shouldn't fine or arrest me for breaking a law that I didn't have anything to do with making into law.

 

I was thinking of this when you wrote it, but nevermind. I really want to go to Cuba, too.

 

I think YOU misunderstood my point...he was looking to have an affair to enhance a sex life that was nonexistent. He was looking for someone specifically, just as people who date do. He met several and moved on...if he had moved on from me he would have searched till he found someone he could enjoy that time with...kind of like, oh yeah-dating.

 

Yes he may be back...if it's not done properly and it doesn't work he may be back. I could always just turn him away if he's divorced and have him go live the rest of his days alone rather than see if we could build something-thats assuming I'm single if and when he'd divorced. Yeah, that sounds sooooo much better. The world has no guarantees...they may fix it and they may not. I have no idea...I only know that he's off to give it his all and either live his life in the marriage if it's fixed or to give it his all and know if he walks away he did all he could. See...not that unreasonable...

 

Look, we just have to agree to disagree. I find it rather sad to say that you could have been anyone. You don't agree. I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.

[Fallen Angel]

I think most of us here would say that dating a married man is not the IDEAL.. very few OW spend their lives specifically seeking out MM to have As with. (Though recently someone posted in another thread that that is exactly what she does). But for most of us OW it is not that way. Some of us went into the affairs knowing the man was married, some of us did not know.

 

But I think the point so many of you seem to be missing is that for the most part, these MM seek out the OW. THEY do not make their OWN marriage a priority. If someone who is intimately involved in the relationship (such as the MM) does not prioritize his marriage and choose to stay faithful, then how can you place so much blame at the feet of an OW who let her heart rule her head, when she was NOT a party to the marriage contract.

 

I get it that you think we shouldn't be involved. Most of us would agree, but to continue to beat a dead horse about it is not solving anything. WE GET THAT YOU THINK WE ARE IMMORAL. ENOUGH ALREADY!!

 

In some other thread they are debating the "taken" man. I say no man can be taken. He must give himself away.

 

I am far from a beautiful siren, sexpot, playboy bunny type. I am closing in on forty, overweight, underemployed, undereducated, and of very average or less appearance. I don't have some secret love potion, nor do I know any magic spells or vodoo love chants. There is NO CHANCE i could take any man away from anyone. He offered himself to me. I didn't seek him, he sought me. I didn't chase him, he chased me.

 

The OP here is no different. I do not know how beautiful she is, she may be a beauty queen. But even if she is, a man who does not wish to share himself out side of his marriage never will, no matter what the temptation.

 

There is no point in continuing with the crusade to make the OP feel less than, it just isn't neccesary, we OW tend to do that just fine without anyone's help.

 

That is just my opinion, for what it is worth.

[whichwayisup]

I think most of us here would say that dating a married man is not the IDEAL..

Just something to think about.. Funny that you used the word 'dating'. It isn't dating, it's an affair. Dating isn't hidden, kept away from family and friends, it's out in the open, no lies, no betrayal.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

i hate to admit this, but lately i have some of those feelings towards his W. im not sure why...guess its a topic for IC.

 

yes, i was wrong for doing that to another woman. i hurt someone i didnt know. not the person that i want to be, i want to be kind and compassionate. i want to care for others, regardless if i know them or not.

 

but i do somehow find myself almost playing victim. i loved him, he fed us both a bunch of lies, he was the one allowing himself to stray from the marriage. i wouldnt have been able to "take" him from her if he didnt want it...hell, he not only wanted it but pursued me.

 

so i think he should take some of the blame here. he had the commitment to her. i had the obligation to be a good person and i failed at that. but i didnt take the vows with her, he did.

 

i took the vows with my H. and i own that. i destroyed my marriage and broke my obligation to him. xMM didnt destroy my marriage, in my opinion hes only guilty of what he did to his wife and how he hurt my husband as another human being. hes not responsible for the damage in my marriage, i am.

[Itsallaboutchoices]

Well having sat and read all the comments on here I would like to chip in my two pennorth. Impudent Oyster - it must be wonderful to live in your perfect world where single man meets single woman, falls happily in love and live forever in their rose covered cottage. Sadly in the real world that doesn't often happen.

 

I have been on both sides of the fence - the wronged wife who was nearly 8 months pregnant while her husband was off having his affair with his 16 year old girlfriend (they are now married and quite deserving of each other) and the woman who fell in love with someone who is not single. Neither situation was right but they happened.

 

With MizFit in mind - maybe she should not have met this guy but she did and with the best will in the world there is no accounting for chemistry, but she did meet him and quite frankly if it had not been her it would have been someone else or a string of someone elses until he found what he wanted.

 

Sadly there are three people hurting in this situation right now - the wife, who with the best will in the world allowed her marriage to become lacking so that her husband went looking for it elsewhere, the husband who didn't have the courage to sort out the problem or walk away and live a new life and the the woman he found to fill the gap in his life.

 

No one person can shoulder all the blame and unless you are party to every single aspect of three peoples lives you cannot pass judgement on them.

[Itsallaboutchoices]

Well having sat and read all the comments on here I would like to chip in my two pennorth. Impudent Oyster - it must be wonderful to live in your perfect world where single man meets single woman, falls happily in love and live forever in their rose covered cottage. Sadly in the real world that doesn't often happen.

 

I have been on both sides of the fence - the wronged wife who was nearly 8 months pregnant while her husband was off having his affair with his 16 year old girlfriend (they are now married and quite deserving of each other) and the woman who fell in love with someone who is not single. Neither situation was right but they happened.

 

With MizFit in mind - maybe she should not have met this guy but she did and with the best will in the world there is no accounting for chemistry, but she did meet him and quite frankly if it had not been her it would have been someone else or a string of someone elses until he found what he wanted.

 

Sadly there are three people hurting in this situation right now - the wife, who with the best will in the world allowed her marriage to become lacking so that her husband went looking for it elsewhere, the husband who didn't have the courage to sort out the problem or walk away and live a new life and the the woman he found to fill the gap in his life.

 

No one person can shoulder all the blame and unless you are party to every single aspect of three peoples lives you cannot pass judgement on them.

[JaneDoe35]

After reading quite a bit I can see that the OW on this board are usually feeling immense pain too, just as the BW is.

 

My husband says he still loves me, when I see him I could get him into bed in two seconds if I wanted.

 

Would I then be the OW's OW??? Confusing.

 

I am not sure if all this pain is worth it. I hate the thought of people in pain.

 

I know it is stressful for the MM, especially if he is caught, but he seems to get the better end of the deal here.

 

Mizfit - I hope that you end up with what you want from this situation. I cannot imagine how strange the waiting and wondering must be...

Edited November 13, 2009 by JaneDoe35
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[torranceshipman]

I think that everyone has their right to an opinion, and where better to express that than a forum...but the way some posters seem to take actual glee in kicking someone when they're down can be a little off.

 

Anyway, OP, isn't this type of thread a sign that this guy just brings mess and negativity in to your life? I really think now is an opportunity to just get rid of the idiot. He's just bringing you grief. If you stick around for more you're just inviting more punishment into your life-on this board and in real life.

[Fallen Angel]

Just something to think about.. Funny that you used the word 'dating'. It isn't dating, it's an affair. Dating isn't hidden, kept away from family and friends, it's out in the open, no lies, no betrayal.

 

I use the term dating as a lack of a way to better describe it. For me, it is dating, as I am single. (Perhaps it is better for me to term my end of things "being in a committed relationship" as that is exactly what I am doing, but on his end he is in what I call "conditionally commited" as he has the commitment to have no OTHER OTHER?) When we started our affair, I thought that is exactly what it was, DATING, I did not sign up for an affair.

 

He also uses the term dating when referring to our relationship. He introduces me to his friends and coworkers as his "girlfriend" or his "passion", "heart", "love". I am a part of almost every part of his life.

 

The only people I am secreted from, really, are his children and grandchildren. His wife knows about me, even if she chooses to ignore it. He goes to no huge efforts to hide me. He does try to keep it not so "in your face" with her, but all the evidence is there, and we have already had one Dday.

 

Yes, I realize I am still a secret to some. But getting into an argument about the semantics does not change the relationship dynamic. It is what it is.

[Dexter Morgan]

Hey Dexter...I wasn't treating her in any way, shape or form. Her husband was.

 

first off, it wasn't directed at you, just the notion put forth by another poster.

 

second, ya, of course YOU are going to absolve yourself from any responsibility in the matter.

 

 

I don't owe her anything and if her husband was seeking me and I cared about him and had a relationship with him I would sleep with him when I wanted to.

 

wow.....just wow.

 

 

Why would I go up to her and tell her that? There was a set of circumstances and I agreed to them...he was married and I agreed to be discreet. Not rocket science. If I had remotely thought he would ever leave her I would have happily volunteered to have a talk with her

 

why? you owe her nothing...right? why don't you just tell her to go eff off?

 

tell her you dont owe her a thing and will sleep with her husband any time you damn well feel like it.

 

sure, anyone can do whatever they want. that is not in dispute. what is in dispute is the despicable attitude that there is nothing wrong with sleeping with married people, whether it be from the married person themselves, or the people sleeping with them.

 

my point is, no matter what you feel you are entitled to do, the LEAST you could do is feel empathy for someone that you are helping to cause pain. but I don't expect people like you to have empathy for people you help to cause pain.

[Dexter Morgan]

Your LOL was dripping with venom so I thought it was appropriate to respond

 

no more venom than your attitude that you will #### someones husband if you so wish without a regard for anyone but yourself.

[OWoman]

Is it me or have I entered some kind of alternate universe where people act like it's perfectly reasonable to date a married man?

 

Welcome to planet earth.

[Dexter Morgan]

I meant she doesnt have to defend herself to anyone on this board.

 

She is in pain and she is here looking for support. Not to be crucified.

 

then maybe she should stop helping the MM crucifying his wife first before worrying about her "pain".

 

and I didn't get the sense she was in pain...just the opposite....she has a sense of entitlement.

[Dexter Morgan]

After reading quite a bit I can see that the OW on this board are usually feeling immense pain too, just as the BW is.

 

 

 

yes, but the underlying message here in this thread, and many others is, "I don't owe the wife a damn thing.....so #### 'em"

[MizFit]

Would you do this to a friends husband? Fool around or have sex with him, have an affair with him? Or would you feel some sort of loyality to your friend and ignore her H even if you were attracted to him..

 

Actually no...when it has happened in the past I've given the H a chance to tell my friend or I will. The whole relationship dynamic changes...she is my friend and my loyalty and protection is towards her, not him. With my MM I have no emotional involvement with his W...that's his area. As I replied yesterday to the comment about going and telling her. If he'd ever said it was ok to do so, I'd have gone in a flash.

 

We always protect who we are emotionally invested in...period.

[MizFit]

The sheer selfishness of this statement is astounding to me. Simply astounding.

 

Have you any conscience?

 

 

Why is it astounding? THE RELATIONSHIP THAT INVOLVES THE W IS THE ONE THE H CHOOSES TO HAVE WITH HER. I ask again...if it weren't me for 6 months and was a series of one night stands or prostitutes would everyone go looking for all of them to villify? No...everyone would be up in arms that this man could do it to his wife. What is the difference?

 

Yes I have a conscience...it's amazing me how everyone is actually choosing to read what they want to read and not see the validity in any other point.

 

My best friend is amazed that I feel no guilt to the W...but as she says I have experience being the BS and I never felt once that the OW was the one that betrayed me...never. Why would I? My husband was the one leaving the marriage to have an affair, not her. If I don't blame the OW then why would I feel guilty as an OW?

[MizFit]

What changed? Nothing, really. The only thing that has changed is that you have lowered yourself and you are using excuses and justifications to lie to yourself, telling yourself that you didn't have a vow and did nothing wrong, to ease your conscience and to make yourself feel better and be able to sleep at night.

 

 

 

Do you even hear yourself? What does your mom think of you now?

 

Actually nothing has changed except the fact I met someone and fell in love. I had never been with a married man before that and I don't intend to again...I am not trying to ease my conscience because I don't feel I have anything to ease it for. My MM does...I'm not sleeping well because someone I love has gone from my life, just as he told me he would from the very beginning.

 

Yes I hear myself just fine...I empathize with the pain the BS is going through, but the pain was caused by her husband betraying her.

 

My mom loves me very much thanks for asking. Since I'm an adult and live on another continent and she has alzheimer's she doesn't even know there has been someone in my life...in case you're wondering-she blamed my father for his affairs as well. She never blamed the other women...sorry I couldn't tell you she'd damned me to hell or anything.

[MizFit]

yes, but the underlying message here in this thread, and many others is, "I don't owe the wife a damn thing.....so #### 'em"

 

No...the underlying theme in this thread is that the AP is the one who shoulders the responsibility to bringing someone into the marriage. Period. Everyone else is fixating on the fact that I feel no guilt for what I've done rather than the fact the MM has brought this in to his home and his life and his world.

 

I have a few more posts I'm going to respond to, but at the end of the day everyone who thinks that OW and OM are the devil incarnate will continue to think that. Maybe they are BS that have never cleared their feelings to their own H or W and their OW or OM...I don't know. As I've said repeatedly, as a BS I didn't blame anyone except my H. I had no issues with the OW so I have no idea what it's like to be so hung up on villifying someone other than the party that is actually to blame.

[MizFit]

then maybe she should stop helping the MM crucifying his wife first before worrying about her "pain".

 

and I didn't get the sense she was in pain...just the opposite....she has a sense of entitlement.

 

 

How exactly have I crucified his wife? I made a comment about sex and that he reacted inappropriately by having an affair...is that crucifying her? I kind of thought that was more along the lines of saying he hadn't treated her well...kind of like most marriages that end up breaking down. Seems that loads of us just let things go rather than fix them. That doesn't make it right to go outside the marriage, but he did.

Edited November 13, 2009 by MizFit

[MizFit]

first off, it wasn't directed at you, just the notion put forth by another poster.

 

second, ya, of course YOU are going to absolve yourself from any responsibility in the matter.

 

 

 

 

wow.....just wow.

 

 

 

 

why? you owe her nothing...right? why don't you just tell her to go eff off?

 

tell her you dont owe her a thing and will sleep with her husband any time you damn well feel like it.

 

sure, anyone can do whatever they want. that is not in dispute. what is in dispute is the despicable attitude that there is nothing wrong with sleeping with married people, whether it be from the married person themselves, or the people sleeping with them.

 

my point is, no matter what you feel you are entitled to do, the LEAST you could do is feel empathy for someone that you are helping to cause pain. but I don't expect people like you to have empathy for people you help to cause pain.

 

 

You have no idea the empathy I do or do not feel for his W...you've taken the fact I don't feel guilty and equated it with having no empathy.

 

There...there is not one more thing I can say because Dexter and IO and a few others have a viewpoint that I dare go against...it doesn't matter that I've been on both sides of it, I evidently do not have enough experience to have the right to my own opinions. You dare to tell me what I do or do not feel because I'm not on here sniffling around and announcing to the world that I've sat and been miserable and eaten chocolate all day...I tend to write in a certain way and it probably doesn't convey all of the emotions I feel, but that does not give you the right to tell anyone what they do or do not feel. I said repeatedly I didn't feel guilt...that doesn't mean I don't understand or empathize with her pain. I have not made the W out to be a horrible evil woman who deserved what she got. If anything I said she had issues and her H, my MM, dealt with them incorrectly, but the events leading up to the A and the fact he had an A were his decisions...not mine.

 

I thank everyone for their input...both what I fought against and what I felt was supportive.

 

Just so you all know MM has indeed returned to W (just as he said he would from the start) and we have initiated NC. Right now it's at about 24 hours. I am about 99% sure I'm hurting just marginally less than she is...I just hope that if they're serious he maintains his commitment to give 100% to the recovery and she truly can forgive and forget.

 

Thanks again all...I doubt I'll be back in as I've run out of ways to try and discuss things logically and I don't feel I need to justify myself any further.

 

As everyone says...hugs!

[Itsallaboutchoices]

I am really new to this forum but boy is it interesting to see just how polar the opinions are on here.

 

As I said in my first post I was a betrayed wife - and boy was I betrayed. but the person who let me down was my husband. He stood at the alter and made his vows and he broke them. The girl concerned could have been anyone, it was his choice to look outside our marriage for whatever he was missing instead of working it out.

 

MizFit's married man did exactly the same thing - he didnt confront his problems and unhappiness he looked around for something to fill the gap and he found her.

 

Should she have walked away - maybe she should but she didn't - that doesn't make her the anti christ, it makes her human, there is not a person on this forum who can say they have never ever made a mistake, never ever done something they regret or wish they could change, we all think 'If only I had.........'

 

For those men and women who have been cheated on - ask yourselves the question - what was it that you did or didn't do that meant your husband or wife felt the need to look outside your marriage to fulfil his/her needs. Are we really blameless?

 

Sadly with all written words the expression and meaning are never the same as hearing those words spoken out loud.

 

Mizfit - you made your decisions and you stand by them, but you cannot be held responsible for the decisions made by other people. I know you felt some empathy for the agrieved wife but you need to look after you now and not worry about her. As for your mother - she is an amazing woman and she would stand by you and support you no matter what.

[Heather1]

OMG Mizfit....I haven't been on or read anything for a few days, really busy. I'm really sorry all that happened, and I can't even imagine the silent pain you're going to have to go through. That's the hardest thing about the NC, there's no one to talk to about it. It looks like you posted on here, and got some pretty lame responses.

 

It's weird, this is the only part of my life that's ???? Hidden and messed up? I came from a chaotic childhood, and this stupid thing is the only remnant. It appears cold to some, but I swear it's how I cope sometimes. In a weird way, it's made me a better person. My OM is going through a lot, and I told him the other day I just want to make him happy. It's giving love, and I don't see what's wrong with that. Is it at the expense of others? Sadly, yeah. If it wasn't us, would it be some OW? Sadly again, yeah.

 

You'll be OK. I know how you feel. Make yourself really busy! It's really hard.

[MizFit]

yes it was worth it...I fell in love with someone and I treasure the time we had together. Looking back I wouldn't change a thing. I'd be happy to give you mms email address so you can ask the relevant person your last question.

So, is this affair worth it for you? Are you proud that you're a part of this as the role of the other woman?

[LifesontheUp]

My best friend is amazed that I feel no guilt to the W...but as she says I have experience being the BS and I never felt once that the OW was the one that betrayed me...never. Why would I? My husband was the one leaving the marriage to have an affair, not her. If I don't blame the OW then why would I feel guilty as an OW?

 

I was BS and blamed my xH not the OW. However, what I don't understand MizFit is knowing what it feels like to be a BS and have your world turned upside down, how can you now contribute to that experience from the other side. Where is your empathy?

[Itsallaboutchoices]

I was very betrayed and always said I would never do that to another woman as the feeling is so horrible, but you know what I did - not for long granted but it happened.