fiancee devastated i dont like my engagement ring.. :(

[skittle]

Hi, i feel awful about this and need some advice please.

i just had a baby in august and in july when i was nine months pregnant my now fiancee brought me to a gorgeous five star hotel for a night and proposed to me. it was really special and i was so delighted but the ring was a bit of a let down. it came as a complete surprise,we had never even discussed getting engaged or looked at rings. the ring he got me is just not my style at all,its yellow gold with square of nine tiny diamonds.it doesnt suit me at all.i never wear yellow gold all my good jewellry is silver and id love just a really simple white gold ring with one diamond.it doesnt even matter to me how big or small the diamond is, its just the style of the ring i dont like it at all.i feel awful tho because he brought my little 16 year old sister to help him pick it.

i decided to tell him how i felt and asked him could i have a look at other rings..big mistake:(

he got really upset and called me materialistic and said he never thought the ring mattered to girls that he thought i would just love to be engaged to him.i tried to explain how much i love him and that i just didnt like gold and it didnt match any of my other jewellry,he got really upset and ended up crying.remember i was 9months pregnant at the time and i felt so awful for hurting his feelings i got sick from crying so much.

so we were both really upset and i decided to forget about it and leave it at that and he 'forgave' me.

the trouble is three months on i still just cant get used to it as its not my style t all.we dont have much money so i know if i say it to him again he might be worried about the money side of things,i dont want to hurt him again but i just have to say it to him.i dont want to wear a ring i dont like for the rest of my life.please help,what should i do?any advice on how and what to say to him?

Edited November 11, 2009 by skittle
missing word

[CarrieT]

Oh, puleeezzze.....

 

 

Suck it up. He thought enough about you to buy the piece of jewelry and many don't even get that. Why can't you be thankful for the love and compassion of the man you have in your life? It is a symbol, not a fashion statement. Accept it with grace and charm and love it as a reflection of the relationship and thoughtfulness with which it was given.

[Lauriebell82]

Oh, puleeezzze.....

 

 

Suck it up. He thought enough about you to buy the piece of jewelry and many don't even get that. Why can't you be thankful for the love and compassion of the man you have in your life? It is a symbol, not a fashion statement. Accept it with grace and charm and love it as a reflection of the relationship and thoughtfulness with which it was given.

 

I see where you are going with that, HOWEVER in the defense of the OP wearing something you don't like for the rest of your life could be a tad upsetting.

 

THAT being said, yes I agree that you should just accept the ring as it is a symbol of his love and committment to you.

 

Maybe you could get another ring, like buy one for yourself, and it might mix it up for you. Then it wouldn't stand out to you as much.

[boldjack]

Tell him how you really feel. Then you can get the ring you want from the next guy. Wouldn't it be nice if he was rich, then you would have everything you could want.

[norajane]

Oh, puleeezzze.....

 

 

Suck it up. He thought enough about you to buy the piece of jewelry and many don't even get that. Why can't you be thankful for the love and compassion of the man you have in your life? It is a symbol, not a fashion statement. Accept it with grace and charm and love it as a reflection of the relationship and thoughtfulness with which it was given.

 

Ditto.

 

Perhaps one day, on an anniversary in the future when you two have money, you can upgrade to something else. Or maybe you won't care after years together and things like college funds and orthodontist bills seem more important.

 

In the meantime, once you get married, you can just wear your wedding band and hide this one in the back of your jewelry box. Of course, that might hurt his feelings, too, so proceed with caution.

Edited November 11, 2009 by norajane

[skittle]

its not about the price of the ring boldjack its just that i want to be with him so this is the only ring im ever going to have.to me an engagement ring is the most important piece of jewellry a girl can have and the first thing people say when u get engaged is show me the ring and i want a ring that refflects me aswell as him.i feel awful as it is theres no need to get smart with me, ive tried to accept it but i just can't get used to the style of the ring but i hate hurting his feeligs.i wouldnt mind so much if it was similar in some way to what i wear but its so different and stands out so much(not in a good way)

im just looking for any suggestions of a sensitive way to approach the subject.

[norajane]

You already have a beautiful baby the two of you created together. Is this ring really so important in comparison?

 

There is no sensitive way to approach the subject. You already told him, he got very upset, and you decided to forget about it. It's been months - he can't take the ring back now, and you already said you don't have much money to buy another one. So what do you expect him to do?

[boldjack]

Well, it seems pretty shallow to me. My wife did not get an engagement ring, we were too poor. I made my own wedding band out of a silver coin,and her wedding band cost $75.00. After we had been married for 4 years, I bought her an engagement ring, one of a kind, $20,000 or more. The ring she wears is the $75.00 special. Rings aren't important, love is. Materialism is very unattractive to me. JMO

[Chrome Barracuda]

She just showed him that the status of the ring is worth more than the status of their relationship! OMG, how incredibly shallow and selfish. Matter of fact lets see her buy him an engagement ring! I would love to see that!

 

You know how much that hurt his feelings!??? Good lord woman, why would any man want to get married to a woman that does that?

[JustLooking123]

"It's not my style." So what? Is "your style" really so important that you'd rather hurt your fiance than wear something not "your style"?

 

You should have kept your complaints to yourself; this should have been a joyous day. Who knows, maybe you would have grown to love the ring because of what it symbolizes and the love that he put into picking it out, and grown to look past the silly shallow complaints you have.

[samsungxoxo]

Do you have a job? Is he the only one paying for all of this? If so then not much you can do about it but accept it how it is...

If not, you can buy it yourself and have all the rights to wear what you like.

[skittle]

i guess you are both right guys, i was just so caught up in not getting to go and pick the ring and the way i had imagined it would be and its kind of hard when i see other people getting engaged with beautiful rings.ive said it to one of my guy friends and he didnt think it was that big of a deal to change it so i guess i just thought everyone would think the same. we do have a beautiful baby boy together who's amazing.

thanks for putting things into perspective for me

[skittle]

we both work and i am on maternity leave at the mmoment. gosh there's no need to be so horrible in your posts. i always buy him more than he buys me for ur info not that it matters.

i was just looking at it like if i was going to buy him something as important and expensive i would rather make sure he liked it thats all i just find it hard to understand why he would buy something so different to what he knows i like.

its prob just my hormones at me after having a baby.

[samsungxoxo]

You should have kept your complaints to yourself; this should have been a joyous day.

If she works and makes money then she has the right to state what she doesn't like.

 

It's bad idea for men to give out surprise proposal all of the sudden without having a conversation about it in advance. As far as the ring, both of them should be going to the store, not just the man...

[PinkToes]

It's an engagement ring, right? So you wear it until you're married. Lots of women replace their engagement rings with wedding bands after the wedding; I had a friend who had her engagement ring made into another piece of jewelry altogether.

 

The challenge now it that since he already knows you don't like it, you don't have a lot of room to come up with other ideas, or he will know it's because it wasn't what you wanted.

 

But if it's the color of the gold that's bugging you, and it's a big enough deal to upset you three months after the fact, consider having it remade in white gold at some point in time, when you're on your feet financially. Returning a dress that your husband bought for a different color seems a lot less hurtful than chucking the entire thing.

 

I know that in my case, I was never a solitaire kind of girl; I hated the big rocks that stood up, and I would have much preferred a channel set, the kind it sounds like you have. But the minute he put that ring on my finger, I totally lost track of the style, and all that mattered was that he chose it for me. And every single day afterward, when I caught sight of that ring on my finger, I felt loved. Which is kind of the point, I think, when a man buys an engagement ring. That it makes you feel loved, and not disappointed in his taste in jewelry.

[boldjack]

<<<<<<<<pink toes>>>>>>>:d

[Samantha0905]

Maybe later, take the ring and have it set in white gold. Settings aren't outrageously expensive. Well, they can be -- but don't have to be. We didn't have much money when I got married and, at the time, yellow gold was more in style. I know a lot of younger people now prefer white gold and, in fact, I started liking the same as I got older. I kept my original engagement ring for about 20 years and then later, he gave me a white gold ring also -- so I'd could switch them, depending on what I was wearing. I wore the white gold much more often and lost my yellow gold ring about two years ago on a trip to Mexico. I missed it as it had a LOT of sentimental value, even though I'm not a big fan of yellow gold anymore

 

My husband took me with him to pick out my engagement ring. Of course, perhaps yours thought it was more romantic to surprise you and that's really sweet.

 

Anyway, I think since you have already tested the waters and he seems not happy about it -- you should just focus on his love for you and the thought he put into picking out a ring for you.

 

Perhaps for your first anniversary, he could give you a white gold band and you can switch them out depending on whether you're wearing gold or silver.

 

A ring does not a marriage make.

 

How young are you guys? He cried over this? I'd leave that alone and just wear the ring for a while if it hurt his feelings that much.

Edited November 11, 2009 by Samantha0905

[norajane]

its kind of hard when i see other people getting engaged with beautiful rings.

 

If you want even more perspective, why don't you look at all the people who do not have a wonderful man in their lives, and who are not getting any kind of rings or marriage proposals? In fact, this board is full of people who are heartbroken, have been cheated on, are lonely, or having terrible marriages or relationships or dating experiences. Read a little bit and it should make you feel quite fortunate.

 

i was just looking at it like if i was going to buy him something as important and expensive i would rather make sure he liked it thats all

 

He did try to do that - that's why he brought your sister along with him to pick out the ring.

[skittle]

yeah he got very upset about it because he spent the week before the proposal showing the ring to all of his family(incl grandparents,cousins,uncles..) and my family. he's 27 and i'm 23. i know what everyone is saying and of course i feel so lucky that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me like wow that is true love if anything its just a bit upsetting because i dont want to feel the way i do.i dont want to ever change my ring in the future like other people i know have also told me i can do i just wanted to always have the same ring forever thats why i wanted to change it sooner rather than later.but i do know how lucky i am to have a great guy that loves me.

[PinkToes]

I'll bet you'll look back on this in a few years and wonder what you were so upset about. Not to minimize what you're feeling right now, but you are awfully young and you just had a baby and that's a lot to deal with at once. And things like ring styles sort of lose importance when you get on with the serious stuff of life and marriage and building a future with someone you hope to be with for the next 60 years.

 

It's like when people get caught up spending more time thinking about the wedding than the marriage; it's really just not that important in the bigger scheme of things.

[JustLooking123]

If she works and makes money then she has the right to state what she doesn't like.

 

It's bad idea for men to give out surprise proposal all of the sudden without having a conversation about it in advance. As far as the ring, both of them should be going to the store, not just the man...

 

:confused: What does having a job have to do with anything? An egagement ring is a gift. It's rude and selfish to immediately start complaining about a gift. Especially one that someone picked out with love; her fiance clearly was really excited to give it to her. Reading this post makes me feel really bad for the guy; what a disappointmet for him.

[Lizzie60]

OP.. I'm totally with you on this one... I would NEVER wear a piece of jewerlry who is NOT ME at all..

 

He did the mistake.. not you... he should have waited and take you with him to choose something as personal as that.

 

For everyone who says you're materialistic... ignore them... no one would wear a piece of clothes or anything that is not their style just because they don't want to upset the person who gave it to them.

 

Don't wear it.. or wear it at home only.. if you want ... or you can always, down the road, lose it.. shyt happens..

 

Simply tell him to never get you jewelry since your taste are so different.. (I did that with my last ex, I didn't like what he got me half the time, except for a few pieces)..

[hopeful1980]

I was 24 when I got married. I was the same age as you when I got engaged. Women your age romanticize everything. We watch too many Hugh Grant movies and expect life to be the same way. When reality doesn't meet up to these ridiculous expectations, we get disappointed and blame the guy we are with for not being able to read our minds.

 

This man put a lot of thought into his proposal. He was proud of what he had done and you pissed on his parade. That's not cool. As you grow you'll learn about timing. Telling him at that time was the worst possible idea. Just like you had an idea in your mind how you'd be proposed to, he had an idea of how you'd say yes. Being disappointed in the ring was natural, but you should have kept it to yourself. Heck, I tell my 4 year old son to do that about any gift he receives. If you don't act grateful when someone give you something, what makes you think they'll want to do it again?

[Lauriebell82]

It's an engagement ring, right? So you wear it until you're married. Lots of women replace their engagement rings with wedding bands after the wedding; I had a friend who had her engagement ring made into another piece of jewelry altogether.

 

Oh, now that is a good idea. A friend of mine did the same thing as well. She turned her engagement ring and wedding ring into one ring. It looks beautiful!!! Tell him to buy a white gold wedding ring then you can combine the two and it won't stand out with as much yellow gold.

 

I love white gold but I have to tell you if he would have bought me a yellow gold engagement ring I would have LOVED it. I don't agree that you are shallow or materialistic but I do agree that you should have kept this to yourself.

[Lizzie60]

I was 24 when I got married. I was the same age as you when I got engaged. Women your age romanticize everything. We watch too many Hugh Grant movies and expect life to be the same way. When reality doesn't meet up to these ridiculous expectations, we get disappointed and blame the guy we are with for not being able to read our minds.

 

This man put a lot of thought into his proposal. He was proud of what he had done and you pissed on his parade. That's not cool. As you grow you'll learn about timing. Telling him at that time was the worst possible idea. Just like you had an idea in your mind how you'd be proposed to, he had an idea of how you'd say yes. Being disappointed in the ring was natural, but you should have kept it to yourself. Heck, I tell my 4 year old son to do that about any gift he receives. If you don't act grateful when someone give you something, what makes you think they'll want to do it again?

 

I agree with the bold part.. except this is not family, friends or neighbours.. this is your life partner (eventually) so you need to be totally open with him/her... if you can't be honest with him.. then wow.. life will be miserable.. if you have to 'pretend' you're happy when you're not..