fiancee devastated i dont like my engagement ring.. :(

[hopeful1980]

I agree with the bold part.. except this is not family, friends or neighbours.. this is your life partner (eventually) so you need to be totally open with him/her... if you can't be honest with him.. then wow.. life will be miserable.. if you have to 'pretend' you're happy when you're not..

 

I'm not suggesting lie to him. I'm saying just focus on what you are happy about at that time, not the actual ring itself. She could have been happy about the fact that he proposed. She could have focused on the fact that he put so much thought and planning into it. Instead, she chose to remark about the ONE thing that she wasn't satisfied with. I think that is pretty unfair to him and not realistic at all. Nothing in life is going to be perfect. When they marry, he is going to do things that will annoy her. But this is a man that obviously desparately wanted her approval about the proposal and to deny him that by being petty about the ring was thoughtless.

 

She could have waited for a better time to tell him that the ring wasn't her style, or she could have just focused on the fact that it was the ring that her fiance wanted for her and that he gave it to her with all his heart.

[boldjack]

For some posters, it's all about the money/gifts. This shallowness is the main reason they can't have any kind of a good relationship. They would betray anyone for material things. OP, Ignore them. If you show to him that you reject his ring, because of it's style. you will be showing him that you are more concerned about form over substance. Do you really believe this? Take the ring, be happy with it, maybe get another one later on, or only wear it to family events. Pick out the wedding band that you like and carry on with life.

[Joie de Vivre]

Hi, i feel awful about this and need some advice please.

i just had a baby in august and in july when i was nine months pregnant my now fiancee brought me to a gorgeous five star hotel for a night and proposed to me. it was really special and i was so delighted but the ring was a bit of a let down. it came as a complete surprise,we had never even discussed getting engaged or looked at rings. the ring he got me is just not my style at all,its yellow gold with square of nine tiny diamonds.it doesnt suit me at all.i never wear yellow gold all my good jewellry is silver and id love just a really simple white gold ring with one diamond.it doesnt even matter to me how big or small the diamond is, its just the style of the ring i dont like it at all.i feel awful tho because he brought my little 16 year old sister to help him pick it.

i decided to tell him how i felt and asked him could i have a look at other rings..big mistake:(

he got really upset and called me materialistic and said he never thought the ring mattered to girls that he thought i would just love to be engaged to him.i tried to explain how much i love him and that i just didnt like gold and it didnt match any of my other jewellry,he got really upset and ended up crying.remember i was 9months pregnant at the time and i felt so awful for hurting his feelings i got sick from crying so much.

so we were both really upset and i decided to forget about it and leave it at that and he 'forgave' me.

the trouble is three months on i still just cant get used to it as its not my style t all.we dont have much money so i know if i say it to him again he might be worried about the money side of things,i dont want to hurt him again but i just have to say it to him.i dont want to wear a ring i dont like for the rest of my life.please help,what should i do?any advice on how and what to say to him?

 

I don't blame you for wanting a ring that's more your style, but since it's a symbol of his love for you.. maybe you can wear it until you get use to it?

 

I know that sounds like an awful advice... but I had an ugly watch for a present before, and the more I wore it, the more I liked it. it's that initial response and impression of it sometimes puts you off. give it time, and you will love it the more you look at it.

[samspade]

Here is a good way to determine whether the woman you want to marry is a shallow, status-hungry fool, or actually interested in marrying you for you. Propose to her with this:

 

http://www.likecool.com/Diamond_Inside--Jewelry--Style.html

 

I bet the $1 a week diamond miners in Africa would really cry for the OP if they heard her story.

 

This chick's husband is in for a doomed marriage of beta servitude - that is if he doesn't pick up on this key red flag and drop her!!

[carhill]

Assuming the OP's baby is with the proposer, he's on the hook for 18-21 years, whether he drops her or not.

 

OP, I suggest you (and/or he) take the money you might wish to spend on a ring more to your taste and, rather, spend it on PMC.

 

I say this because it is so, so cheap and easy to get married and so, so expensive and painfully difficult to get divorced.

[CarrieT]

OP, I suggest you (and/or he) take the money you might wish to spend on a ring more to your taste and, rather, spend it on PMC.

 

Please explain. I'm a jeweler and to me, PMC is "Precious Metal Clay" but I have a feeling you are referring to something else.

[hopeful1980]

Please explain. I'm a jeweler and to me, PMC is "Precious Metal Clay" but I have a feeling you are referring to something else.

 

I think he means pre-marital counseling.

[CarrieT]

I think he means pre-marital counseling.

 

Thanks. Part of why I really hate the continual use of abbreviations on this and other forums. They really do mean different things to different people!

[Star Gazer]

OP.. I'm totally with you on this one... I would NEVER wear a piece of jewerlry who is NOT ME at all..

 

He did the mistake.. not you... he should have waited and take you with him to choose something as personal as that.

 

For everyone who says you're materialistic... ignore them... no one would wear a piece of clothes or anything that is not their style just because they don't want to upset the person who gave it to them.

 

Don't wear it.. or wear it at home only.. if you want ... or you can always, down the road, lose it.. shyt happens..

 

Simply tell him to never get you jewelry since your taste are so different.. (I did that with my last ex, I didn't like what he got me half the time, except for a few pieces)..

 

Pigs must be flyin' because for the first time I agree with Lizzie 1000%!

 

Personally, I'd be quite perturbed if my fiance started crying () if I expressed that I'd like to consider another ring because the one in question didn't fit my style or personality. Should he really be that upset with her? I know my BF, if/when he proposes, would be upset with himself if he got me the "wrong" style of ring. Shouldn't HE want her to be absolutely thrilled with such an important symbol that she will presumably wear for the rest of her life*?

 

 

 

* I realize she can change it later, but he didn't realize that when he picked it out.

[carhill]

I think he means pre-marital counseling.

Yes, considering there's a child involved, I would make it job #1

[skittle]

Here is a good way to determine whether the woman you want to marry is a shallow, status-hungry fool, or actually interested in marrying you for you. Propose to her with this:

 

http://www.likecool.com/Diamond_Inside--Jewelry--Style.html

 

I bet the $1 a week diamond miners in Africa would really cry for the OP if they heard her story.

 

This chick's husband is in for a doomed marriage of beta servitude - that is if he doesn't pick up on this key red flag and drop her!!

 

ye have no idea wat u are talking about,he knew wat type of ring i like and got me the total opposite, y would a man do that if he cares so much?

if i was going to buy him his dream car for example to show how much i love him an he told me he wanted a black ferrari and i got him a red citroen an i expected him to be happy with that im sure he wouldnt be happy. i think you are all being very dramatic and have no idea what ur talking about.

why should i have to pretend im happpy with something when im not..

he might as well have proposed to someone else with the ring if hes never going to want to get me what i want. that sounds really shallow i know but if i was buying him something important i would want to make sure he liked it. the ring doesnt even look ,like an engagement ring its a square of tiny diamonds sticking up and isnt me at all. i will never get used to it and i just thought someone might understand where im coming from.

[carhill]

Complete sentences with punctuation and capitalization are very helpful to meaningful comprehension and advice. Thanks

 

OP, don't know your age but will assume you're young enough to be my daughter..... have you talked with your parents about your future with this man? If yes, what is their perspective? To me, it sounds like you have some issues to work out, the one revolving around the engagement ring being indicative of others, both in the areas of communication and compatibility. Hence my suggestion of PMC. Thoughts?

[skittle]

Assuming the OP's baby is with the proposer, he's on the hook for 18-21 years, whether he drops her or not.

 

OP, I suggest you (and/or he) take the money you might wish to spend on a ring more to your taste and, rather, spend it on PMC.

 

I say this because it is so, so cheap and easy to get married and so, so expensive and painfully difficult to get divorced.

 

its not bout the money its just the ring. i have small fingers and the square on the ring is a bit gaudy looking and just doesnt suit my hand. you don't know the background of our relationship, im very undemanding in our relationship,im the quiet one who usually feels bad about everything and i feel awful about this but i cant get it out of my head. esp after having his baby and everyting ive been through lately i think i am at least entitled to an engagement ring i like.i dont care how big or small the diamond is.

he rushed into it because i was nearly due our baby and got me any ring that he thought would just do when he could've waited until my birthday(today) or christmas.we've only been together two years and i would've rather waited and gotten the ring i wanted. that prob sounds shallow but at the end of the day the ring is one of the most important/exciting parts of getting engaged and i missed out on that.he has never even talked to me about rings or found out wat type of ring i like and we won a voucher for the hotel so i feel likehe just rushed thewhole thing without finding outwat i wanted.

[carhill]

So, when is the wedding?

[CarrieT]

OP, you asked for opinions and are not happy with the fact that the majority of the people responding gave you advice to live with it. Granted, a few people have agreed with you and yet you continue to whine about it.

 

You are being incredibly materialistic about a piece of metal and "style" instead of what it means as a symbol to your relationship.

 

I'd be curious about your age as well. I'm sorry you don't like what is being suggested. Continuing to harp on it is not going to change the situation. If anything, dwelling on it is only going to make your situation and relationship worse. For the sanctity and serenity of your relationship, the best thing you can do is be happy with the man who thought enough to give you something precious (whether or not it is "your style") and the child you two are going to have, NOT a hunk of metal.

[skittle]

sorry im trying to feed our baby and typeat the same time. my parents like him but dont understand wht the ring is such a big deal to him. his parentsare very controlling and hisfather talks his mother down all the time and sometimes hhe does that to me.when i correct him we fight but thhen he is sorry.he isa nice guy but can be v insensitive at times.my faather isa very generous romantic man and i just want my fiancee to treat me theway my dad treats my mam. he just makes mefeel like i dontdeserve thingssometimes and takes the good out of things.like yesterday for my birthday hetold me how much one of my presents was and was saying howexpensive another present was,im a v sensitive person and i just get really upsetand hurt.i justwant him to want me to be happy but he gives me the impression i should be happy with what he thinks i shouldbe happy with. if i dont makeastand on this then maybe he is never going to put my feelings first..?

[skittle]

i am 23and he is27.

am i being totally unreasonable?

carrie t im just responding to posts which is the whole point of this board.

[carhill]

Hey, baby bonding time....get back to us later. Precious moments, each of them

 

I'm liking the idea of PMC more and more ....

[CarrieT]

i am 23and he is27.

am i being totally unreasonable?

carrie t im just responding to posts which is the whole point of this board.

 

Yes, you are being unreasonable. You are responding with a continual whine, without considering that you should just accept and be grateful for what you have been given without complaining. You are sounding like a spoiled brat for not getting what you think you deserve, without being thankful for the bounty that you already have.

 

Pre-marital counseling is a great suggestion.

[skittle]

i don't mean to come across as a whinge i guess i just need to vent. what he said yesterday really got to me and when he brought up the ring situation again i just got upset,a part of me is embarassed for being selfish and hurting him so much but i felt torn as part of me resented him bringing it up to make me feel bad as he said it in relation to i better like my birthday present.

i should have said there and then how i felt and not bottle things up. im just venting because of that i guess because before yesterday everything was fine it didn't bother me.a part of me is scared that ill never be able to be honest with him about anything again for fear of hurting his feelings,kind of that i dont deserve to ask for what i want.i suppose i will just have to choose my battles and know when to recognize what is important and what isnt in the bigger picture.

[carhill]

You're just getting started. You're going to hurt each other. Nothing is perfect. The key is in how you deal with each other and those hurts. Again, this is where PMC would help you in the areas of communicating each other's perspectives and learning how to listen in a healthy way. You both benefit and this bonding brings you closer together as a couple and/or delineates your compatibilities and incompatibilities so you can make better informed relationship decisions.

 

I don't see your post as whining at all. The subject portends to more serious and long-lived issues lurking in the background. Better to get the work done now, IMO.

[PinkToes]

no one would wear a piece of clothes or anything that is not their style just because they don't want to upset the person who gave it to them.

 

Not true. I've done this plenty of times, and I will continue to do so, because I know how good it feels when someone I care about does the same. In my mind, making someone I care about feel good about something they chose for me out of love is waaaaay more important than a superficial preference for the perfect outfit. And who knows -- maybe my taste really sucks, and they're doing me a favor.

 

I had a boyfriend who gave me the most gawd-awful pin once; it was some weird shape and about 5 inches long and covered in really tacky rhinestones. I'd never seen such a thing, and I had a really hard time imagining that I'd ever wear it. In fact at first, I thought it was a joke. It was so ugly.

 

But eventually, I ended up using it as a buckle on a black satin belt for an outfit I was taking on a cruise. Amazingly enough, it looked fabulous, and he just beamed when he saw me wearing it. As much as I had hated the thing, there was no way in hell I would have hurt his feelings just because we didn't have the same taste.

 

Obviously an engagement ring isn't the same as a tacky broach the size of a mailbox, but I think the principle is the same.

[Sam Spade]

I didn't read the entire thread, but I want to raise 2 points, to balance the responsibility (i.e. **** on everybody involved fairly).

 

1) What the **** happened to fathers educating their sons in the basics of timeless style?!? There are certain simple guidelines that apply to clothing, furniture, and why yes - engagement rings, that if followed religiously, ensure timeless mad style and negate the need for any attempts to be 'interesting' (an area reserved strictly for excentric italian royualty). So, based on the description of the ring by the OP, that guy either didn' have a father at all, or his father is just as pathetic as the amasingly tacky piece of jewelry his son picked for his girl. Under different circumstances (see # 2) I'd be a lot more lenient, but considering this piece of junk, this guy needs to suck it up and replace it with something dignified.

 

2) That said, any woman whose boyfriend cares enough to procure a diamond of any kind should just shut up and be happy.

Edited November 12, 2009 by Sam Spade

[boldjack]

OP, The question for you is not about the ring, but whether or not your man can get over your disrespecting him like this. I know that if my wife had complained about the ring, she would play hell, getting another. If a little piece of metal can cause all of this whining, then how are you going to react when something major comes along? The problem is in your values, you should always be honest with your man, but you should think about how you are going to come across to him, before you diss him for getting the "wrong", something else.

[boldjack]

BTW, would you want him to read this thread and hear how you have bad-mouthed him? Re-read your own posts, does that sound like a loving wife , to you?