fiancee devastated i dont like my engagement ring.. :(

[OneTwo]

There are some of interesting points to ponder here, and all of us men can learn from this thread.

 

It seems to me that this is a testament to how important some things are to most women -- from Carrie T's posts about being happy if a man gave her any ring at all (rather than telling her to make it herself), to the OP's post about how disappointed she is that her fiancé didn't spend the effort to figure out what type and style of ring suits her. At first glance, these posts seem like polar opposites, but in reality these are basically the same point: they just want a man to care enough and be considerate enough to get them a ring that is meaningful to her. That involves doing whatever it takes to figure out what would make her happy.

 

It isn't about the cost or the caret count. It's about caring enough to put forth the time and effort to get it right, even if it takes a tremendous amount of paying attention to subtle clues and doing the research behind the scenes. It's that kind of thing that can melt a woman's heart.

 

So sure a woman should be happy that her future life-long partner is buying her a precious meaningful gift, but it sure takes away the impact if the woman perceives that it is poorly thought-out or done haphazardly at the last minute.

Edited November 14, 2009 by OneTwo

[CarrieT]

Bravo, OneTwo.

 

You pegged it.

 

All any of us want (men AND women) is to have our partners learn and know enough about us to know what we want and need without having to tell them.

 

But we can't get upset when it doesn't happen. We all must learn from these foibles without blowing a fuse. Appreciate what we have when we have it.

[cheergirl]

I have read through most of the responses and I must say I am shocked and amazed....

Your future husband took everything into account in buying your ring except you... You have to wear the bloody thing for the rest of your life for God's sake...My (ex) husband was a cast-iron control freak but he let me choose my ring...It's mine....It's beautiful and I still wear it...

All those people who keep telling you you should just suck it up are being mean and judgemental.... I couldn't wear a yellow gold ring if my life depended on it... Ok I am being over-the-top, but I think I know how you feel...Your fiance should have consulted you and let you choose, the fact that he didn't and then cried about it shows to me he is very controlling and immature... You can't wear something that isn't you.. You just can't; no matter how well intentioned the giving is...

He should want you to be happywith the ring, not be so concerned about what he did to get it and how he presented it...It sounds like it's all about him... I'm sorry for you and I understand how you feel...It's not materialistic to want what you want...It's simply a matter of preference, if my husband had gottne me yellow gold I' could not have worn it; you're not crazy or selfish.... (or maybe I am, who knows...)

[HarmonyHope]

Yeah, I think OneTWo had it totally right. What I really don't get is why your fiance is getting so bent out of shape. My boyfriend pleads with me to exchange things if I don't like them or they don't fit right - because he really wants me to be hapy with his gift. It IS the thought that counts afterall, so why is he so hung up on the ego of making a bad choice? Sounds kinda immature, IMO.

 

My xH and my current boyfriend made a big point of asking me what kind of ring I liked before they bought a ring and surprised me with it. Both were much larger and more extravagant than what I said i liked (I'm simple really and not flashy at all), but they maintained the spirit of simplicity I talked about and I loved both rings). I thought most guys did that so they didn't get the reaction your boyfriend did.

[Pink Cupcakes]

I would seriously consider dumping the guy after this. He made clear to your parents you could exchange the ring, then he throws a conniption fit that you actually do want to.

[theBrokenMuse]

If your girlfriend bought you a hideous shirt for your birthday that was completely not your style, would you wear it and pretend that you like it?

Case closed.

 

First of all, I've had to wear stuff that I thought was ugly before that people got for me including a bright red mickey mouse sweatshirt, a home stitched sweater that was in a pattern that had colors which clashed horribly and a bride's maid gown that was picked out by the bride (with me in mind) that I thought made me look ridiculously frumpy. Yes, I actually wore them. I don't tend to be childish or picky about such things but then again, I don't care about fashion to begin with so I didn't think life as I know it was going to end if I did so... However, you simply can't compare something that covers a large area of your body with a tiny piece of jewelry to begin with - it is an inept comparison.

Would you wonder why she didn't take into account your taste when choosing to buy you a shirt for your birthday?

Not really. It's obvious to me that when people do this they think it looks good and assume you will too.

Case closed.

Indeed.

[HarmonyHope]

First of all, I've had to wear stuff that I thought was ugly before that people got for me including a bright red mickey mouse sweatshirt, a home stitched sweater that was in a pattern that had colors which clashed horribly and a bride's maid gown that was picked out by the bride (with me in mind) that I thought made me look ridiculously frumpy. Yes, I actually wore them. I don't tend to be childish or picky about such things but then again, I don't care about fashion to begin with so I didn't think life as I know it was going to end if I did so... However, you simply can't compare something that covers a large area of your body with a tiny piece of jewelry to begin with - it is an inept comparison. Not really. It's obvious to me that when people do this they think it looks good and assume you will too. Indeed.

 

A piece of clothing you have to wear for one day is a little different than having to wear something for the rest of your life, dontcha think?

[theBrokenMuse]

Hold up so because I didn't care for his choice of ring I was an undesirable? oh please I think not thats painting allot of women with a very broad brush don't you think?

Nope. I don't because A I was half joking and B I really don't care about your personal situation or how it came about, I was stating that it would eliminate the women 'undesirables' that just want to get married for the sake of playing out their dream wedding scenario and it would be a complete success in that aspect - I did not include the fact that it would also cause other types of women to be included in that margin because, I at least hope, that would be painfully obvious enough to be a given.

[theBrokenMuse]

A piece of clothing you have to wear for one day is a little different than having to wear something for the rest of your life, dontcha think?

You don't have to wear an engagement ring for the rest of your life, it's not the wedding set and no, I really could not care less, in all honestly about a small thing on my finger not being optimal. There is much more important things to gripe over and worry about that something of that magnitude. In fact, if that was the largest issue I was facing right now I would do a dance of joy.

[Mrs_AJ]

Hi, i feel awful about this and need some advice please.

i just had a baby in august and in july when i was nine months pregnant my now fiancee brought me to a gorgeous five star hotel for a night and proposed to me. it was really special and i was so delighted but the ring was a bit of a let down. it came as a complete surprise,we had never even discussed getting engaged or looked at rings. the ring he got me is just not my style at all,its yellow gold with square of nine tiny diamonds.it doesnt suit me at all.i never wear yellow gold all my good jewellry is silver and id love just a really simple white gold ring with one diamond.it doesnt even matter to me how big or small the diamond is, its just the style of the ring i dont like it at all.i feel awful tho because he brought my little 16 year old sister to help him pick it.

i decided to tell him how i felt and asked him could i have a look at other rings..big mistake:(

he got really upset and called me materialistic and said he never thought the ring mattered to girls that he thought i would just love to be engaged to him.i tried to explain how much i love him and that i just didnt like gold and it didnt match any of my other jewellry,he got really upset and ended up crying.remember i was 9months pregnant at the time and i felt so awful for hurting his feelings i got sick from crying so much.

so we were both really upset and i decided to forget about it and leave it at that and he 'forgave' me.

the trouble is three months on i still just cant get used to it as its not my style t all.we dont have much money so i know if i say it to him again he might be worried about the money side of things,i dont want to hurt him again but i just have to say it to him.i dont want to wear a ring i dont like for the rest of my life.please help,what should i do?any advice on how and what to say to him?

 

 

Skittle,

 

I feel that some people have been harsh with their responses. to your question.

 

You came to ask about the engagement ring and some posters have then proceeded to attack you and analyse your whole relationship based on this one instance. But I suppose you have to take that when you post on a forum. People have different experiences of relationships on a whole, and they come with all sorts of baggage. Honestly, when reading some of these replies I felt there were some bitterness in some people's responses. As if your question reflects on their previous or present relationsip. So please don't take things to heart.

 

With regards to your question - I honestly think that the majority of women would not be happy with an engagement ring that was not their "style" of jewllery. Simple. I know I wouldn't. The ring is a symbol of your love, so it is indeed important and should be something you think suits you.

 

However your fiancee showed it too both your families. Did they all think it was a fabolous ring? Or maybe they also didn't want to hurt his feelings.

 

However I think your fiance did indeed try to get you something you may have liked. He brought your little sister with him, who apparently didn't have a clue anyway.

 

If I was you, yes I would have told my fiancee how I feel. Simply because it's better to be honest and upfront in a relationship, even about "materialistic" things. Communication is key. I didn't understand whether you told him as soon as you saw it or chose a better timing than the "moment".

 

I'm sure you guys can work it out. Yes he felt hurt. I think he may have been thinking about it for so long and planned it all to then feel like he had messed up. It;s just the style of the ring, nothing else.

 

Try to talk to him again. I think you'll be thinking about it until it comes up in conversation. I would chose to do this with good timing rather than when you're upset about somthing else and may just blurt it out or something.

 

Best of luck

[Love2love7]

My husband also bought me a ring that it's not really my style but when he first asked me to marry him and gave me the ring I didn't care if I liked the ring or not. All I could think about was how much he loved me. This man actually thought about making ME his wife, he thought about spending the rest of his life with me and bought a ring for ME to wear to show me his love for ME. An engagement ring is not any ring. It's a sign of love and commitment. Next time you look at the ring think of the love you have for him and the love he has for you.

Maybe down the road he'll buy one that you like but for now be thankful and appreciate the fact that you have someone who wants you to be his wife.

[JustLooking123]

I might be wrong here, so please correct me if I am. I feel like it's a very recent "trend" for a woman to (expect to) have such a say-so in picking out her engagement ring. Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like 50 years ago, this didn't happen nearly as much. Perhaps that's just because there are so many more choices these days.

 

Also, it's not that the OP is required to like the ring...I'm more bothered by HOW she handled it. At least wait a few days to see if it grows on you before launching into negative complaints. There are plenty of women who would be thrilled to wear a $0.25 ring from a gumball machine if only their man decided to propose to them. Look at the big picture; the ring, in my opinion, is not the big picture, no matter how long she "has" to wear it.

[VeveCakes]

Guess nobody here say the episode of Sex and the City where she got the bad engagement ring?

 

I understand OP. I think it's just kind of a kick in the pants when you find out your fiance doesn't know you (or maybe that's how you feel). I don't see what the big deal is to exchange it for something you like that is the same cost. That's not materialistic, or ungreatful. It's honest.

 

I hope it works out for you in the end and you get a ring you can enjoy, and show off, and be proud ot. These should be happy times.

[The Collector]

The little cry-baby should have just let her exchange his stupid ugly ring for one she liked. You know, if he loved her.

[Sam Spade]

I might be wrong here, so please correct me if I am. I feel like it's a very recent "trend" for a woman to (expect to) have such a say-so in picking out her engagement ring. Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like 50 years ago, this didn't happen nearly as much. Perhaps that's just because there are so many more choices these days.

 

Also, it's not that the OP is required to like the ring...I'm more bothered by HOW she handled it. At least wait a few days to see if it grows on you before launching into negative complaints. There are plenty of women who would be thrilled to wear a $0.25 ring from a gumball machine if only their man decided to propose to them. Look at the big picture; the ring, in my opinion, is not the big picture, no matter how long she "has" to wear it.

 

Exactly. I also have trouble understanding since when the woman has any say at all in the choice of the ring??? The ring is a sign that the man is making a commitment (including financial one). The last thing I want to hear when I announce my intention to spend the rest of my life with your sorry ass (and a few thousands of dollars) is that the ring is not "just right". Saying anything other than "awww!" is hideously entitled and inappropriate. Well, if you still think that the ring isn't "just right", I'm taking it back (along with the commitment).

Bitches .

[hopeful1980]

Exactly. I also have trouble understanding since when the woman has any say at all in the choice of the ring??? The ring is a sign that the man is making a commitment (including financial one). The last thing I want to hear when I announce my intention to spend the rest of my life with your sorry ass (and a few thousands of dollars) is that the ring is not "just right". Saying anything other than "awww!" is hideously entitled and inappropriate. Well, if you still think that the ring isn't "just right", I'm taking it back (along with the commitment).

Bitches .

 

I'm not mad at ya. As a woman, I felt humbled that my husband bought me a ring at all. At the time he could not afford anything and the fact that he gave me a .5 carat ring from Walmart was enough to send me to the moon. It was HIM I wanted, and I was just glad he wanted me too. The ring is just a symbol. It doesn't really mean anything at all.

[soserious1]

I've never understood all the hoopla over engagement rings. Nowadays most women have decent careers, the idea of a man being expected to fork over all sorts of money to display his fiscal commitment seems really outdated.

 

How about a new custom, one more fitting for our times? when a couple decides to marry both the man and the woman scrimp and save till together they can each place

3 months worth of their respective salaries into a investment account, in order to display their mutual fiscal commitment to each other?

 

And if the woman must have a ring of some sort, let her haul out all of her lipsticks, she can then her give soon to be husband a rainbow of lipstick "rings" while she pleasures him orally.

[CinomR]

I've never understood all the hoopla over engagement rings. Nowadays most women have decent careers, the idea of a man being expected to fork over all sorts of money to display his fiscal commitment seems really outdated.

 

How about a new custom, one more fitting for our times? when a couple decides to marry both the man and the woman scrimp and save till together they can each place

3 months worth of their respective salaries into a investment account, in order to display their mutual fiscal commitment to each other?

 

Yes. Thank you. My fiance and I were friends for a year, dated for a year, and now have been living together for more than two years. We make nearly the same amount of money. We share one bank account. I'm responsible for paying most of the bills, but he still has a few under his name to build credit. I have medical bills and college loan repayments: we pay them. I needed a 600 dollar piece of software for my career: we bought it. When my car, which is now our car, needs an oil change, he takes the card and gets the oil changed. There is no "his money" and "my money." How do you go about justifying a piece of metal upwards of 1,000 dollars so that he can prove his "financial responsibility" to me? Bull****. He's already proven it to me over the years. Anything he buys, it's actually "us" buying it.

 

That said! He still wanted to propose traditionally, picking out the ring himself, and I still wanted something on my finger to let the world know I'm taken. I never wear jewelry, only a watch which I wear every day being very picky. I knew that my engagement ring had to be perfect or I wouldn't wear it. He knew exactly the kind of ring I wanted and he did everything he possibly could to find the best one within our budget. I love mystic fire topaz-- I'm obsessed with rainbows. So I originally wanted my engagement ring to be white gold with mystic fire topaz, with a diamond wedding band later on.

 

Well he found out that mystic fire topaz is just a lab gem with a coating on it-- not a good choice for a stone I want to wear forever. So he went with the next best thing, he thought-- alexandrite. It's a very pretty stone that changes from green to purple in different lights, sort of like those purpley-green cars or those nylon jackets from the 80s. Sometimes it's clear or yellow. But mostly it's either green, or purple. Now, I love rainbows, he knows that, and I would have loved a diamond if we could have afforded it. But a green stone? A purple stone? Those are my very least favorite colors.

 

Now, I just brushed that all aside and tried to focus on the good aspects: it was white gold, the stones were two hearts with teeny diamonds on either side-- I LOVED the ring itself, just not the colors of the stones. Then, a month later, we went to get it cleaned. Waiting at the store I looked around and saw that they had the same ring in every gemstone. Next to the alexandrite sat the most beautiful thing I had ever seen-- my ring, with OPAL stones. Rainbow-y, shimmery beautiful opals. Barely any white at all. I expressed to chris how beautiful I thought the opal was. He asked if I wanted to exchange it and I immediately said no, I couldn't even dream of it, which I couldn't at that point.

 

As the weeks went on I began to dislike the stones more and more. I kept waiting for the lights that would change it to clear or yellow. I cringed inwardly when showing it to people because I just would not have chosen a purple or green stone. An opal? So unique, so similar to the diamond without costing so much, so rainbow-y and beautiful!

 

Just went to get it cleaned again on Saturday, and I saw the opal ring again while we were there. Couple days later I looked it up online and it was on sale. Called the store to ask about switching the stones-- 30 day return policy, obviously, and it's been two and a half months. She suggested getting the opal and keeping the first one as well. (Duh.) So the ring I can't stop thinking about is now 135 dollars. Seriously...

 

Yesterday I sat him down and told him I couldn't stop thinking about the opal. I was so serious and so worried about hurting his feelings that he thought I was breaking up with him!! I did my best to make sure he knew I loved everything about the first ring but the stone color, I loved his proposal and the thought he put into it, etc. He is a wonderful man and understands that we females are so picky and weird that he shouldn't take it as a personal insult, and he didn't. In fact we went to the store yesterday night and got the opal ring before it sold. I've never seen one with so many rainbows in it and I'm obsessed with it whereas with the other one I was constantly searching it for flaws.

 

He was a little sad, I know. But he wants me to be happy, number one, and number two, he gets to pick out his wedding ring and that was always the case, because we both know that if I picked it out and it was slightly wrong he wouldn't wear it. Yay for communication!

 

Plus, I am very thrifty and I know he appreciates that (I found my wedding dress for 100 dollars). So now I have TWO beautiful rings, one I can pass down to my daughter, that combined cost less than a diamond would have anyway! Things tend to work out if you have good communication and know your budget and each other's limits. Good luck!!

[RedDevil66]

If I loved and was loved, I would be happy with a tub ring if it came out of love

 

You sound really immature and superficial. You will see in a few years who silly you were

[RedDevil66]

read through most of the responses in this thread and I have to say, no wonder men think women are shallow and superficial. Some of you need to had in your "little spoiled girl cards" for "real women" cards!!!!

[Star Gazer]

Guess nobody here say the episode of Sex and the City where she got the bad engagement ring?

 

That's exactly what I was thinking of and PRECISELY why it would bother me.

 

I understand OP. I think it's just kind of a kick in the pants when you find out your fiance doesn't know you (or maybe that's how you feel). I don't see what the big deal is to exchange it for something you like that is the same cost. That's not materialistic, or ungreatful. It's honest.

 

I hope it works out for you in the end and you get a ring you can enjoy, and show off, and be proud ot. These should be happy times.

[cheergirl]

You know what you like, hopefully he cares enough to find out what you like..He didn't and it hurts. You are not a spoilt little girl. You are a grown up woman whose preferences should have been taken into consideration before your man spent X$ on your ugly ring that you can't stand...

 

And sorry, but it does matter... Your life is your life..if some women, as they have so beautifully put it, would have been happy with a bath tub ring, that's up to them...That's not you...

 

If I'd fallen in love with a guy who didn't make a lot of money I would have been happy w/ a cubic zirconia or whatever...

Now since my husband made a lot of money and I could have what I wanted, I chose exactly what I liked. Had my budget been a tenth of what was spent on the ring it still would have had to have been what I liked....

That's what a lot of people here aren't getting...It's not the cost, it's the style... If my husband got me a £20,000 ring that I thought was gaudy or ostentatious, I'd feel the same way and wouldn't wear it...Ugghhh:sick:. It's not about the money, it's about the ring that suits you and your fiance should be more concerned about your happiness than his choice of the ring....He doesn't have to wear it... Be careful, be wise....