ADF Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 A girl who I will soon be entering a relationship with will be starting a new job...as a bartender. When she told me about this I was furious, texted some nasty things to her, and feel really hurt. She thinks I'm being irrational, but am I? I trust this girl, I really do. but come on, the amount of attention she's going to be receiving, the sheer amount of guys she's going to be meeting every day who are going to be taller, better looking , more charming, more rich, she will eventually buckle under all that attention. Now before you all say how insecure I am, I am not. I'm just being realistic. She needs this job to pay the bills (which i can't), so it's not like I can tell her to quit. I'm thinking about pulling out and forgetting about her. She is really one of a kind, and i am deeply in love with her (she says she is with me as well), so if she ever betrayed me I would probably lose my mind and do something irrational. I've just got a really bad feeling about this whole thing and am incredibly furious that the first time I meet an amazing and perfect girl who likes me, fate throws me an ugly curveball to screw it all up. What do you think? Yes, you're being irrational. And controlling. And utterly unreasonable. And you're not being "realistic." Unless you can pay her bills yourself, you've no right to tell her not to take a job she wants. How would feel if she were treating you with this much suspicion before the relationship has even started. And if you really feel you might do something "irrational," then you are admitting to being a potentially dangerous person as well. Get some counseling.
betamanlet Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 what kind of bar will she be working at?
Clep Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Yes. Before this she had a job as a secretary for some old dirty lawyer, I slept much sounder at night Do you think it's that irrational to be freaked out about a woman working in a social setting where she sees 100's of attractive, rich, charming, etc guys hitting on her all the time? I think I speak for all guys when I say it's a tough pill to swallow. Well I used to work as a bikini server in a place where talking to the guys and getting to know the clientèle was mandatory. My boyfirend went out with me to buy all the lingerie and bikinis. I was hit on all the time. I went home every night grateful to my bf for being such a great and supportive guy. I was thankful that he was there. Yes the guys I served had lots of money, good looks, charm etc but they didn't have my heart. I quit after a month as it was terrible and took a much lower paying job as that was what felt right to me at the time. I would look at your own insecurities and concentrate on yourself.
DustySaltus Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 I've dated bartenders, strippers and hooters girls. I knew what I was getting into and what my expectations were going into things. But what I did notice more than anything is the types of guys their co-workers would date. The girls who "could not be broken" were dating confident guys who trusted their girlfriends but at the same time would not be a doormat to them. The girls that cheated or broke up with their boyfriends were because they were crazy or extremely jealous. It goes with the territory, whether you trust her or you don't. But if you keep needling her about this you WILL LOSE HER. If she says she is deeply in love with you, support her with her decision, especially if that's the ONLY way you can support her right now. The only thing worse than her "cheating" on you, would be for her to be genuine in her feelings, you turn into a maniac and then down the line you are regretting your actions. Do a 180, support her, stop in for a drink once and a while and move forward....
quankanne Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 HUGE RED FLAG – dude, you need professional help, because in rereading your post several times, I get a strong feeling that you have an abusive personality, which is not a positive attribute: • When she told me about this I was furious, texted some nasty things to her, and feel really hurt. • I trust this girl … but come on, the amount of attention she's going to be receiving, the sheer amount of guys she's going to be meeting every day who are going to be taller, better looking , more charming, more rich, she will eventually buckle under all that attention. • I am not (insecure) … I'm just being realistic. • I'm thinking about pulling out and forgetting about her. She is really one of a kind, and i am deeply in love with her (she says she is with me as well), so if she ever betrayed me I would probably lose my mind and do something irrational I realize this post is probably the result of some hurt feelings and I'm reading into it, but the combination of things you've said leads me to believe otherwise. Because realistically speaking, if your girl is devoted to you, Daddy Warbucks could stroll into her bar and offer her the world, and she'd laugh him off because there's no way in hell he could compete with you. one of my college roommates tended bar to pay for bills and she worked in different kinds of joints; she never did date the clientele but did have some funny stories about them, it was like watching a soap opera, she said.
JL911 Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Bottom line here is if she feels that what she has is worth a **** with you shes not going anywhere. Even if you were tall dark handsome and rich and the girl thought you were insecure and untrusting of her, "Its out the door you go Jack..." If you think all girls live for some kinda rush to be dating a super model I think you are kinda wrong there. Maybe some shallow dumb bitch is all about the superficial aspect of a man, but once they get this out of their system a women wants a real man... And I can assure you there are plenty of good looking girls out there in the world with less than model quality guys simply because they treat them right and arent doormats. I dunno if you have ever ventured out to the bars and seen the kinda tool box losers that frequent with their popped collar pink shirts and nice highlighted and styled hair with a smoke tucked in behind their ear. Yelling and screaming and carrying on just cause they gota beer in their hands....Is this what you are worried about???
2sure Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Still, something to consider. You know how when someone says they are having trouble just meeting people to date and they are advised to get out more, join orgs., be seen, etc etc. Being a bartender does mean that the pool she can choose from has increased exponentially. But the same could be true if she was in a college, or working in a male dominated field. I guess its the addition of being in an alcohol party kind of atmosphere that might be more concerning. Dont assume the worst or break up with her because of what might happen. Life and relationships are full of risk.
Author cognac Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 Bottom line here is if she feels that what she has is worth a **** with you shes not going anywhere. Even if you were tall dark handsome and rich and the girl thought you were insecure and untrusting of her, "Its out the door you go Jack..."[/Quote] I disagree, I have seen every time a woman has a very physically attractive and rich boyfriend they give him almost unlimited leeway. While for guys like me, it's the opposite. If you think all girls live for some kinda rush to be dating a super model I think you are kinda wrong there. Maybe some shallow dumb bitch is all about the superficial aspect of a man, but once they get this out of their system a women wants a real man... [/Quote] I don't know, I think we're all human and all shallow to an extent. I think I'm very different in the sense that I'd take this girl over any supermodel, but I don't know for sure what goes on in her head. And I can assure you there are plenty of good looking girls out there in the world with less than model quality guys simply because they treat them right and arent doormats.[/Quote] I rarely see it. My woman is good looking to me , but I think we are both relatively equal in looks. Problem is in America many model quality guys are willing to date women who aren't model quality so it screws up the dating pool for guys like me. I dunno if you have ever ventured out to the bars and seen the kinda tool box losers that frequent with their popped collar pink shirts and nice highlighted and styled hair with a smoke tucked in behind their ear. Yelling and screaming and carrying on just cause they gota beer in their hands....Is this what you are worried about???[/Quote] This is what most women call "their type" actually. Are those guys ever single or without atleast a booty call on tap?
Author cognac Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 She is now ignoring my texts BTW. Whatever, if she doesn't like me having an insecurity about this she isn't worth my time anyway.
BG1985 Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Yeah, your relationship is probably coming to an end now. Sorry, bud.
Adunaphel Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 I'm just chiming in to say that I sympathize with you, I really do. I *do* have a jealousy problem, so my perspective in probably biased, but I think it is natural (for a jealous person) to feel upset if your partner gets a new job where he or she will be in contact with a lot of members of the opposite sex. It's not even necessarily a matter of trust... I know I would feel - in a way - like I got the short end of the deal if my partner went from average employee in a firm to bartender. I would find it unfair. I would resent him. It would bring out a lot of negative feeling. Yet... my point is, those negative feelings are the *real*, and more immediate, danger. You should worry more about those feelings than about any attention she might (or might not be, mind you) getting, or about the pub customers. If you are a *very* jealous person(like I am), the chance of her leaving you for a pub customer is way smaller than the chance of *you* growing more distant or resentful. Perhaps talking to her about it might help you cope with your jealousy. I hope she will be understanding. Said that, I do not think there would be anything wrong with breaking up with someone if you do not feel confortable with their job (people get dumped because they do not earn enough, because they work too long hours, because of geographical distance, and for many more futile reason), and that if her getting a job as a bartender is a dealbreaker to you you should not feel like the bad guy. I just hope it does not come to this, because it sounds like you are otherwise happy in your relationship.
DustySaltus Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 She is now ignoring my texts BTW. Whatever, if she doesn't like me having an insecurity about this she isn't worth my time anyway. Cognac, what are you saying in these texts anyway? Are you continuing to needle her about this? Again, I am warning you if you keep doing this you will LOSE her (if you haven't already). Do a 180 and do it quick. Be confident in yourself. Women want a guy who is masculine, someone who can be jealous at times (to let them know that you do care) but not needy and possesive. Man up already, before it's too late and I mean this in the nicest way possible.
DustySaltus Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Yeah, your relationship is probably coming to an end now. Sorry, bud. It depends what these texts were about. Was it a simple, "hey let's get together"? or a continuing assault? If it's that latter, the ship is sinking....
Adunaphel Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 (edited) She is now ignoring my texts BTW. Whatever, if she doesn't like me having an insecurity about this she isn't worth my time anyway. What kind of texts are they? If you are attacking her, please stop right now and apologize. It is just too easy to write/say something that is too much while you are in a jealousy fit just to regret it a few hours later!! Whatever, if she doesn't like me having an insecurity about this she isn't worth my time anyway. Be careful. In this moment you cannot know for sure whether it is just the green eyed monster speaking. Edited November 11, 2009 by Adunaphel
Author cognac Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 My texts have nothing to do with this. I just sent her some amusing little anecdote about my day as I usually do. I already dropped it but am still thinking about it in private.
DustySaltus Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 My texts have nothing to do with this. I just sent her some amusing little anecdote about my day as I usually do. I already dropped it but am still thinking about it in private. When is the last time you spoke with her? Are you with her or not? Define "kind of" for me. Then we can figure out how to proceed.
Lish Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 She is now ignoring my texts BTW. Whatever, if she doesn't like me having an insecurity about this she isn't worth my time anyway. Erm... lol. So let me get this right? You come on a forum for advice... and don't even consider it. You compare yourself to other men on all counts (money, looks...) You're jealous. You're insecure. After YOUR jealousy and hissy fits, she isn't worth YOUR time? HAHA. All of this gives me the impression that you are a) Disrespectful. You don't trust her, don't even bother trying to convince yourself otherwise. The girl is probably highly offended you don't trust her and you've got the audacity to sit there and judge her? b) Insecure & extremely jealous. Comparing yourself to guys all the time is quite unhealthy and also quite sad; it's a sign that you have serious confidence issues and I think, before you can be happy with her (or anyone), you need to address them. Like someone else said, if she loves you, not even a bunch of male, naked supermodels could make her stray. I have dealt with a boyfriend like you in the past (I was going to university and would be around "hot" guys every day for 5+ years), so I know how she is feeling. c) Stubborn/narrowminded. You have this idea in your head and it's just not budging. You're not open to opinions and I honestly don't know why you bothered coming on here. Maybe you've been hurt in the past, I dunno, but you're being stubborn about this and if you're inlove with her like you claim, you wouldn't let things end just because she's not happy with you getting your underwear in a twist. You're probably going to answer me with a smart arse reply and frankly, I doubt I could care any less; if you can't accept the truth, then that's your problem.
BG1985 Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 If your girlfriend is ignoring you, it's never a good sign. You should lay off and let her initiate any further contact with you. You're only making it worse by telling her ANYTHING. There's also no point in apologizing to her if you don't think you're wrong, because it comes off as weak and insincere.
Adunaphel Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Are you with her or not? Define "kind of" for me. Then we can figure out how to proceed. I just realized that while I read the thread carefully I missed the thread title (and the obvious) and I assumed you already were in a relationship. Sorry. I still stand on the "jealousy is natural, you should not feel like the bad guy for being insecure" ground, but I fully agree with the other posters that you are really risking to drive her away. Unfortunately she is not even your gf yet, so there is not much you can do (and not much you can complain about). It is up to you to decide whether you still want to pursue this relationship...that is, if she still wants to, but a relationship that starts on a jealous note does not sound very promising.
Author cognac Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 When is the last time you spoke with her? Are you with her or not? Define "kind of" for me. Then we can figure out how to proceed. Well she recently broke up with her boyfriend and is getting her own apartment and told me she wants to be with me. Nothing official yet, but it is pointing in that direction. Last time I spoke to her was yesterday, when she said "Wow u obviously have a very low opinion of me" when I questioned her bartender job, lol. I'll give her a day to get over it, and then tell her to either talk or never talk to me again if she keeps on ignoring me.
DustySaltus Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Well she recently broke up with her boyfriend and is getting her own apartment and told me she wants to be with me. Nothing official yet, but it is pointing in that direction. Last time I spoke to her was yesterday, when she said "Wow u obviously have a very low opinion of me" when I questioned her bartender job, lol. I'll give her a day to get over it, and then tell her to either talk or never talk to me again if she keeps on ignoring me. I don't think you need to say anything else at this point. I think it's safe to say that this is on life support at the moment. If you were going out for a couple months, you could get past it. But the fact that you are having trust issues right now, she may see it as the tip of the iceberg for things to come. I agree with BG at this point, don't say ANYTHING.
Beerme Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 The first sentence of the OP's post is the one that caught my eye. He states: "A girl who I will soon be entering a relationship with will be starting a new job...as a bartender." Is he in a relationship or not? According to this sentence, he's not. Is this his girlfriend, or just a friend that is becoming more. OR, is he hoping that it will become more? Regardless. I know he's not happy with her choice of jobs, but its not like he can monitor all the guys she comes into contact with no matter what profession she chooses. I understand why he may feel insecure about the upcoming situation, but if he lets this eat at him, its going to destroy the relationship even if she doesn't meet some other guy at the bar. Insecurity is a relationship killer.
boogieboy Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 She is now ignoring my texts BTW. Whatever, if she doesn't like me having an insecurity about this she isn't worth my time anyway. Man you need to be woken up to reality, since youre so insecure, youre really not worth HER time, and she now knows this since shes ignoring you.
crazy_grl Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 (edited) This is what most women call "their type" actually. Are those guys ever single or without atleast a booty call on tap? No, those are what any women with a brain would call a douche bag. I think you've got a major problem here, but it's not that your woman is going to be a bartender. You're MASSIVELY insecure and think very little of women. If your woman was here asking for advice on what to do about you, I'd encourage her to get rid of you before you get any worse. Your blowing up on her is a huge sign of anger and control issues (whether or not it was just in text, phone or in person). The gang bang comment was incredibly offensive and insulting. To think that was funny, she'd have to REALLY, REALLY like you. I bet if she was on this forum, your story would be under the "What's the most psychotic behavior you've ever experienced" thread. Edited November 11, 2009 by crazy_grl
Author cognac Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 No, those are what any women with a brain would call a douche bag.[/Quote] LOL, I find even the smartest women I know who say this, grow weak in the knees when one of those douchebags propose them. I think you've got a major problem here, but it's not that your woman is going to be a bartender. You're MASSIVELY insecure and think very little of women.[/Quote] I don't think it's just me, it's just that my experiences with women have all been the same and have no reason to feel any differently about them. If you constantly have the same thing happen over and over, I think it is wise to see a general trend and be wary so that it doesn't happen again. If your woman was here asking for advice on what to do about you, I'd encourage her to get rid of you before you get any worse. [/Quote] That is because you are intolerant of human flaws, good luck finding a guy who is perfect. Yes, I am human. Insecurity isn't only for women, and while in person I appear anything but insecure, I am still human and not some comic book superhero. I bet if I was more of a "hot" guy and worked at a bar, I bet my life she would be just as insecure. Your blowing up on her is a huge sign of anger and control issues. And the gang bang comment was incredibly offensive and insulting. To think that was funny, she'd have to REALLY, REALLY like you. I'm willing to bet she prentended to so she didn't provoke you. [/Quote] She finds my sense of humor hilarious, and likes it when I tease her in ways like that. Many women do, you'd be surprised. Not everyone is as anal as most women are. You're nuts, and I bet if she was on this forum, your story would be under the "What's the most psychotic behavior you've ever experienced" thread.[/Quote] LOL.
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