Wife or sex material

[Mel001]

I had a discussion with a friend last summer...she was frustrated because she said that almost all men view her as "wife material" and she never get to have any adventures and great sex. FYI, she's married but things are going really bad between the two of them. She is a beautiful woman from Columbia and she turns heads everywhere she goes. Everyone is asking her out for a date and when she has a date everyone wants her to become their girlfriend or wife or woman of their dreams. And she pretty much hates this...

 

So she was telling me this. And she asked me how I feel about me and how men view me. And it was exactly the opposite. Things get heated so quickly when I'm alone with a man that they see "sex" in me and then they can't get me out of their minds if they don't get to sleep with me. I consider myself also very good-looking, and exotic since I'm from Greece but living in Sweden...so I'm exotic for the Swedes. But I've sort of had enough of this...

 

Me and my friend are very similar but yet different in respect to looks, she's the nice blondie and I'm the nice brunette, both high educated, she in history, me in engineering, are both very open minded, we want to live life to the full. The difference is that she's been married for 7 years since she was 22 years old, and I've been single for 2,5 years. Guys see her as wife material, guys see me as sex material.

 

I'm wondering, how does one project this to the outer world? Is "SEX" written on my head? Or why the hell does it become all heated and stuff everytime I meet a guy? Even though I might not have sex or any physical contact at ALL, the whole atmosphere is loaded with the thought "sex"...I'm not so flirty when I meet a guy. We have interesting discussions about everything in life. So I don't know what it is.

 

I just think that maybe the fault is me at the end of the day. I have plans to date guys now without letting them to touch me. For some reason, I think they will go nuts.

 

What is it in a person that projects "wife" or "sex"?

[TaraMaiden]

Jerry Hall said that men want a chef in the kitchen, a wife in the house and a whore in the bedroom.

it seems we have to be all things to all men....

 

or maybe men have become so confused since women became emancipated, that they don't know what they want any more, because women are slowly encroaching on their territory... be it predatory, be it professional, be it ambitious.....

 

we don't need men.

they are in fact, redundant.

if we seriously want children, we have enough sperm in banks to re-populate this planet countless times.

Technology and engineering dictates that much of what men physically do, is no longer necessary. machines have replaced brawn and muscle.

And women are working in hitherto male-dominated services.... truck drivers, fire officers, police officers, the military.....

So they go for the sex.

They can still f*c*k.

They can still satisfy a woman in more fulfilling ways than latex and batteries can....

Although it's close.....

It's still only a substitute.

but it's the only area in which they can still exert some presence.

because the bottom line is, that women are more emotional creatures than men, when it comes to 'coupling'.

we still input an emotionally vested interest.

Men do too, but less so.

I really do believe we're wired differently, in some ways, but almost identically in others.

And this is why men - up until relatively recently - have been visually aroused, but women have turned to Mills and Boon.

Now, more and more women are enjoying porn - and more and more men are having sexual issues....

see how pendulum swing, like a pendulum do...?

 

Unfortunately, all this may not help your situation.

I'm just trying to shed a little light - in some areas - with what ultimately, is only my POV.....

[In_Repair]

You two should go on some double dates and watch how the other interacts with men. That's what men are basing their opinions on. A woman could be beautiful, intelligent, highly educated, rich... but none of that matters more than how she presents herself, and how men perceive her own self worth. We men LOVE a nice easy target... but it's hard to look over at some drunk chick on the other side of the bed, who just had your cock in her mouth two hours after meeting you, and think "Wow, now that's the kind of woman I want to be the mother of my children".

 

Projection and perception. She seems harder to get, so she must be "worth" more. Taramaiden is right, men want their women to act like whores in the bedroom... but we also want to know that they are only our "whores" and not spreading it around the whole damn town.

 

What's really interesting here is that your friend is the one who is generally viewed as good relationship material, even though she is the married one who is already cheating on one relationship.

[Mel001]

You two should go on some double dates and watch how the other interacts with men. That's what men are basing their opinions on. A woman could be beautiful, intelligent, highly educated, rich... but none of that matters more than how she presents herself, and how men perceive her own self worth. We men LOVE a nice easy target... but it's hard to look over at some drunk chick on the other side of the bed, who just had your cock in her mouth two hours after meeting you, and think "Wow, now that's the kind of woman I want to be the mother of my children".

 

Projection and perception. She seems harder to get, so she must be "worth" more. Taramaiden is right, men want their women to act like whores in the bedroom... but we also want to know that they are only our "whores" and not spreading it around the whole damn town.

 

What's really interesting here is that your friend is the one who is generally viewed as good relationship material, even though she is the married one who is already cheating on one relationship.

 

Well, she's the hard one to get right?

[In_Repair]

Well, she's the hard one to get right?

 

While she may not actually be any harder to "get", I'd bet that men generally view her as being that way.

[Mel001]

While she may not actually be any harder to "get", I'd bet that men generally view her as being that way.

 

I mean she seems hard to get cause she's married...

[Angel1111]

I do think it's something each of you are projecting and if you don't like the result, then you probably need to do a little soul-searching to see what the underlying issue might be. Sometimes what we fear most is what we get. So it may be your friend's biggest fear to be viewed in the way she is - and, presto - that's what she gets. Personally, I think guys are just being respectful of her and there's really nothing odd about them being so attracted to her that they want to spend their lives with her. If that translates into boring sex, though, I don't know why that would happen. It's very possible to be married and have great sex. In your case, you may simply be dressing too provocatively or projecting a raw sexual energy that men are attracted to. That's not a bad thing, either, but if you are sexy and if you do dress in a sexy way, then don't be surprised if you get noticed for that.

 

I have to disagree with the above post that men have become obsolete. Neither male nor female will ever become obsolete, or unnecessary, to the other gender. Even if relationships do get skewed and seem convoluted most of the time, nothing can replace human touch, nothing can replace the strong connection that love and attraction can produce. That won't ever go away.

[You'reasian]

In your case, you may simply be dressing too provocatively or projecting a raw sexual energy that men are attracted to. That's not a bad thing, either, but if you are sexy and if you do dress in a sexy way, then don't be surprised if you get noticed for that..

 

Valid point. Let's play Devil's Advocate...and her response:

 

"You can't tell me how to dress! Its my right!! If I want to wear something sexy, I'll do it...I don't need your PERMISSION or APPROVAL to do what I WANT, wherever I go!"

 

I have to disagree with the above post that men have become obsolete. Neither male nor female will ever become obsolete, or unnecessary, to the other gender. Even if relationships do get skewed and seem convoluted most of the time, nothing can replace human touch, nothing can replace the strong connection that love and attraction can produce. That won't ever go away.

 

The whole argument behind a woman not needing a man is driven by emotion and supported by true facts, same for men not needing women.

 

What kinds of emotion? It depends, but I'd guess bitterness.

[Ms. Joolie]

I'm wondering, how does one project this to the outer world? Is "SEX" written on my head? Or why the hell does it become all heated and stuff everytime I meet a guy? Even though I might not have sex or any physical contact at ALL, the whole atmosphere is loaded with the thought "sex"...I'm not so flirty when I meet a guy. We have interesting discussions about everything in life. So I don't know what it is.

 

I just think that maybe the fault is me at the end of the day. I have plans to date guys now without letting them to touch me. For some reason, I think they will go nuts.

 

What is it in a person that projects "wife" or "sex"?

 

IMO, it really is a projection. For myself, I have great control over when I want to project sexually and when I want to project the good woman.

 

If you start projecting yourself sexually to every guy, they will pick up on that right away. They will jump at the chance, especially after describing yourself. I've no doubt you are attractive.

 

It's a personal matter of discretion, though. We have to choose our victims wisely. Or else, we begin to abuse that sexual power, and that will come right back at us. As you very well know.

[Ms. Joolie]

we don't need men.

 

Yes, we do.

 

Men are very different, and overall they provide the masculine balance that is needed in this world.

 

I appreciate men, very much... their good qualities. We all have faults.

 

That is my POV.

[Mel001]

Valid point. Let's play Devil's Advocate...and her response:

 

"You can't tell me how to dress! Its my right!! If I want to wear something sexy, I'll do it...I don't need your PERMISSION or APPROVAL to do what I WANT, wherever I go!"

Haha that made me laugh! But no, seriously...the way I dress is not so provocative as some REAL tarts out there. But, for god's sake, I'm 28, I'm fit...Clothes that show that are really nice on me But I'm not taking it too far...But I can understand that guys' attention can be drawn...

 

I will take it down a bit...as an experiment

[Cobra_X]

I had a discussion with a friend last summer...she was frustrated because she said that almost all men view her as "wife material" and she never get to have any adventures and great sex. FYI, she's married but things are going really bad between the two of them. She is a beautiful woman from Columbia and she turns heads everywhere she goes. Everyone is asking her out for a date and when she has a date everyone wants her to become their girlfriend or wife or woman of their dreams. And she pretty much hates this...

 

The only reason she is rethinking this is because her marriage sucks. Tell her she needs to fix it or get out.

 

In regards to you. I hear other guys say from time to time "I'd hit that... but wouldn't marry her." That seems to be your situation. Men usually have higher standards for a wife than they do a GF.

 

The question becomes... why do they think your not wife material? Are you controlling? Ditsy? Do you come across as slutty? Are you high maintenance? Clingy? Things like that will make guys think twice about you.

[Mel001]

IMO, it really is a projection. For myself, I have great control over when I want to project sexually and when I want to project the good woman.

 

If you start projecting yourself sexually to every guy, they will pick up on that right away. They will jump at the chance, especially after describing yourself. I've no doubt you are attractive.

 

It's a personal matter of discretion, though. We have to choose our victims wisely. Or else, we begin to abuse that sexual power, and that will come right back at us. As you very well know.

 

Except the dressing part, I think I have little control when it comes to this. Everytime I see the man I have a date with in the eyes, I feel my brain exploding. The only time I don't feel this is when I seriously don't like the person and I hate him looking at me like we're in love with each other. Then I go all serious and checking the time with my legs going up and down - all that shows I want to go.

 

So much hard time to control it. What do you do it?? But sure, at work I'm very boyish. Don't want to mess with them...

 

And yes...that sexual power you're talking about...sometimes I wish I wouldn't be able to attract men. Cause nowadays I'm scared!

[Mel001]

The only reason she is rethinking this is because her marriage sucks. Tell her she needs to fix it or get out.

 

Yes, I think she'll get out of it...

 

 

 

The question becomes... why do they think your not wife material? Are you controlling? Ditsy? Do you come across as slutty? Are you high maintenance? Clingy? Things like that will make guys think twice about you.

 

Controlling? Hmm I AM controlling, but I become this later on, I'm really really easy-going in the beginning. But then I don't have time to show my true personality haha! Nah...seriously, I keep it to myself, I'm not controlling. Slutty? Not at all...but very sexual yes. High maintenance? No.

 

But as a personality, I'm not that smooth...or how shall I say it. I have my own views and opinions. I have a passion in my hobby, and I can get a little extreme with what I feel...if my feelings are somewhere in the middle, then it's a sign that I don't care...so somewhere there is the problem...

[Cobra_X]

Controlling? Hmm I AM controlling, but I become this later on, I'm really really easy-going in the beginning. But then I don't have time to show my true personality haha! Nah...seriously, I keep it to myself, I'm not controlling. Slutty? Not at all...but very sexual yes. High maintenance? No.

But as a personality, I'm not that smooth...or how shall I say it. I have my own views and opinions. I have a passion in my hobby, and I can get a little extreme with what I feel...if my feelings are somewhere in the middle, then it's a sign that I don't care...so somewhere there is the problem...

 

Being opinionated and passionate about things is a turn off for some guys, but a turn on for others... so that's probably not it.

 

I went over and read your other thread. Hopping in the sack with a guy really quick can kill emotional attraction for a huge swath of the male population.

 

You need to build up emotional attachment first. I'm not sure why you have not done that before. Have you ever been with someone you cared really deeply about... and who cared deeply for you?

[Mel001]

I went over and read your other thread. Hopping in the sack with a guy really quick can kill emotional attraction for a huge swath of the male population.

 

You need to build up emotional attachment first. I'm not sure why you have not done that before. Have you ever been with someone you cared really deeply about... and who cared deeply for you?

 

 

I've had 3 relationships of 1 year each, and one relationship of 6 years (the last one). but I was younger then, and I took my time to have sex with them...

[Cobra_X]

I've had 3 relationships of 1 year each, and one relationship of 6 years (the last one). but I was younger then, and I took my time to have sex with them...

 

Didn't you find the physical aspect of the relationship more gratifying?

 

Just in my experience as a guy... sex is only about 50% physical.

[Ms. Joolie]

Except the dressing part, I think I have little control when it comes to this.

 

Yes, you are in control. You've just lost control.

Everytime I see the man I have a date with in the eyes, I feel my brain exploding.

 

Because you are thinking SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX. You look in their eyes and all your sexual past, all that pleasure, reignites.

 

And that is what they see in you, too. You are controlling this. You truly don't appreciate the person in front of you, you're too wired on sex right now.

 

The only time I don't feel this is when I seriously don't like the person and I hate him looking at me like we're in love with each other. Then I go all serious and checking the time with my legs going up and down - all that shows I want to go.

 

You see? You are able to turn off the sex switch. Instead of having an interest in your date (perhaps a man who really has an interest in you) you shut down and act bored. You don't get to know people. You just want to experience selfish thrills.

 

 

And yes...that sexual power you're talking about...sometimes I wish I wouldn't be able to attract men. Cause nowadays I'm scared!

 

In short, you are a very sexual being who is now unhappy. It really is time to stop chasing the thrills and find out what really makes you happy.

 

Have less focus on men and dating and sex, and more focus on the qualities in your life that you want to focus on, that you have a passion for. This will cultivate those "good" qualities that will actually make you relationship desirable.

 

Discover your good qualities. Make a list of all the good qualities you believe are needed, that you can offer, in a relationship. Think about it.

 

So instead of looking into your date's eyes and thinking "SEX" you can actually remember what good qualities you have to offer.

 

And that, Mel, is the whole package.

[Mel001]

Didn't you find the physical aspect of the relationship more gratifying?

 

Just in my experience as a guy... sex is only about 50% physical.

 

yes sure, 50% physical. I have a tendecy though to get in lust with the person I'm having sex with...

 

The problem I have in a relationship is that when things get boring I simply can't have sex....

[Cobra_X]

yes sure, 50% physical. I have a tendecy though to get in lust with the person I'm having sex with...

The problem I have in a relationship is that when things get boring I simply can't have sex....

 

That could be a major problem. What do you mean by boring?

 

Do you have any intimacy issues?

[Mel001]

Yes, you are in control. You've just lost control.

I think though that I've never had control. In general, I have difficulty to lie...when I see a man that I seriously like then I feel the tension...And I try hard not to show it...it's like when you want to burst in laughs in an appropriate situation and you're juuust about to hold it together but you can't. This is the feeling I get when I try to hold it together. I don't know if I can make it...

 

 

You see? You are able to turn off the sex switch. Instead of having an interest in your date (perhaps a man who really has an interest in you) you shut down and act bored. You don't get to know people. You just want to experience selfish thrills.

 

ooops...that was something..."selfish thrills"...i think you got to the point and it sort of hurt me right in the center. I've seriously had enough with myself...

 

 

 

Discover your good qualities. Make a list of all the good qualities you believe are needed, that you can offer, in a relationship. Think about it.

 

So instead of looking into your date's eyes and thinking "SEX" you can actually remember what good qualities you have to offer.

 

By the first thought I'm afraid that something's telling me I will not find any good qualities that are suitable for a deep and strong relationship...It's scary to be honest...

[Mel001]

That could be a major problem. What do you mean by boring?

 

Do you have any intimacy issues?

 

Hmm...all the past serious relationships I had ended because things were boring, I had lost my identity, sat infront of the telly, didn't have much to say, the excitiment was not really there. And tasting something that seems "new" and "fun" makes it even worse. Like for example go out with friends alone for the whole night and meet new interesting people. I don't say that this is nice...not at all. And that's exactly the reason to why I don't actively seek for a serious relationship cause I can't afford being in such a situation again. I want to admire my man. So, I'm waiting for Mr. Right...

[Cobra_X]

Hmm...all the past serious relationships I had ended because things were boring, I had lost my identity, sat infront of the telly, didn't have much to say, the excitiment was not really there. And tasting something that seems "new" and "fun" makes it even worse. Like for example go out with friends alone for the whole night and meet new interesting people. I don't say that this is nice...not at all. And that's exactly the reason to why I don't actively seek for a serious relationship cause I can't afford being in such a situation again. I want to admire my man. So, I'm waiting for Mr. Right...

 

Most guys want to be admired... so that's a good fit.

 

You may want to consider that the reason you perceive the relationship to be boring is not because there is nothing new to talk about, but because deep down you don't want to become emotionally attached.

 

This could arise from abandonment issues, problems with intimacy, fear of commitment... ect. Only you know your past history, so you should really put some thought into it.

 

I can tell you for sure that your not in a healthy place based on what your saying.

 

I've gone through some very similar problems. For nearly 10 years I ended every relationship at about the 1 year mark... always for some petty reason that seemed important at the time. My problems are trust issues.... and I've always delt with them by being apathetic. That emotional wall keeps people out.

 

Does any of that sound similar?

[Mel001]

Most guys want to be admired... so that's a good fit.

 

You may want to consider that the reason you perceive the relationship to be boring is not because there is nothing new to talk about, but because deep down you don't want to become emotionally attached.

 

This could arise from abandonment issues, problems with intimacy, fear of commitment... ect. Only you know your past history, so you should really put some thought into it.

 

I can tell you for sure that your not in a healthy place based on what your saying.

 

I've gone through some very similar problems. For nearly 10 years I ended every relationship at about the 1 year mark... always for some petty reason that seemed important at the time. My problems are trust issues.... and I've always delt with them by being apathetic. That emotional wall keeps people out.

 

Does any of that sound similar?

 

Oh I think you're the one that touched the problem deepest from anyone else here...I had a very very deep discussion with my mother last month, she's psychologist and sociologist. And we came to the conclusion that I cannot give my 100% to someone. I just can't give it, it feels as if I need to keep something for me, to have my private space, my friends, my life, my thoughts. The thought of giving my everything to someone is scary, I can't even think about it. I can't depend on someone 100%. I don't know maybe it has to do with trust issues, maybe not. But the only person I can trust is myself really. It's the same with my friends. It's not always my friends get to hear my problems. It's always me that does it. So, then I come here in these forums cause noone knows me.

 

I just need to have the feeling that whenever I want I can shut down my windows for other people and enjoy some time with myself...I thought this is normal, but it actually doesn't help my situation. Especially when after these long relationships, I feel like nothing from them has been left inside me. I always tend to look forward, never back. It's not often I sit and think of memories...not at all. They belong to previous lives, not mine in the specific moment. I know, it doesn't feel right, it doesn't sound right...

[Ms. Joolie]

I've had problems with intimacy, too. It's that whole "getting to know me" thing. I use to feel like I never had anything to offer. So, yes, sex was something I could offer.

 

That DOES ruin a woman's self-esteem.

 

It's been quite a journey, but I have discovered ME. I do value who I am, and I do know what I have to offer. I love life, and I'm not fooled by the thrills. I've place value on things, and I know what I'm about.

 

I'm still working on the intimacy.... because that kind of honesty takes courage. That kind of honesty that shows who you really are takes courage.

 

For example, how I write on the internet is who I really am, these are my thoughts. But would I ever be that intimate in person? Probably not.

 

I'm working on it though.

 

Mel -

 

If you believe your dealing with intimacy issues, then you will need to begin your journey for self-discovery. OR, possibly, you are going to have to learn how to appreciate people, yourself included. LOL. It's not all about sex.