What Worked Best in MC?

[Spark1111]

It's two years since DDay, and what a long strange trip it has been.

 

We went to a MC 6months after DDay, and I believe it was too soon to be effective and that the man, while very nice, was a bit out of his element because he did not special in "marriage," or infidelity.

 

It was also somewhat uncomfortable, but I have learned that is how it often is as the relationship is the "client" and every relationship has room for improvement.

 

We intend to return to MC.

 

I know I need someone EFFECTIVE and intend to find that person.

 

But I wanted to know from the LS community, what was some of the BEST tools and advice you were given?

 

What worked to improve your relationship or help you heel from infidelity?

[angie2443]

We went to a MC 6months after DDay, and I believe it was too soon to be effective and that the man, while very nice, was a bit out of his element because he did not special in "marriage," or infidelity.

?

 

I think our counselor wasn't as effective because she also didn't specialize in marriage counseling. I think it is very important to find one who is a trained MC and who does have experience in infidelity.

 

Having said that, going to MC wasn't a total loss for us. The counselor did help us see why my husband's friendship with his female friend wasn't healthy to our marriage. We learned more about how relationships function.

 

I wish I could give you better advice. I'm sure someone else will come along who knows exactly what to look for in a counselor. Good luck.

[2sure]

Spark - you need a MC that has a specific program for recovering from infidelity. Ours adheres to the programs and policies taken from another site with a forum similar to this. (I dont use the forum, i like it here better).

 

Anyway. Its hard, its hard to go. BUT I am learning a lot about myself, communication, and relationships that I didnt know. Its frustrating sometimes because I want to address and focus on the infidelity...but we focus more on other aspects of love and relationships. And it works.

 

The good news is that our MC is also a divorce mediator, so this whole process will lead to better communication and an amicable atmosphere regardless of the outcome.

[carhill]

But I wanted to know from the LS community, what was some of the BEST tools and advice you were given?

 

1. Focus on acceptance. Accept the past. Accept the hurt. Accept responsibility.

 

2. Work on the present. Intimacy. Communication. Styles of loving. Compatibility. Get to know one's spouse in a new way.

 

3. Prioritize the M. This means, during the recovery period, mutual priority of the primary relationship over friends and family. With priority, disclosure and accountability.

 

If one or both partners has significant history of unhealthy familial or relationship attachments, I'd recommend a MC who is also a competent psychologist with background in treating such issues, which necessarily complicate the recovery process. Our psychologist was clinically trained in treatment of abuse/neglect situations, as well as in MC and 'inappropriate attachments'.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

I would recommend going to someone who neither of you have seen before.

If the husband was the cheater, see a female therapist. If the wife was the cheater see the male therapist. I believe this can be beneficial for several reasons. One, I believe that the therapist needs to focus on the accountability of the cheater. This is best when it is the opposite sex. The therapist can relate better to the BS (same sex), and pose questions and exercises with sensitivity to the BS.

 

Secondly, it introduces the cheater to an opposite sex person that they have to have a more balanced relationship. Both WS and BS can gain from feeling they can trust the WS with the opposite sex.

 

My female IC wanted to have sex with me, so I stopped going. Can't say I didn't consider it though.....be careful.

[freestyle]

Two books: Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass

 

Surviving an Affair, can't remember the author, but it has been recommended repeatedly by a number of LSer's.

[carhill]

If the husband was the cheater, see a female therapist. If the wife was the cheater see the male therapist. I believe this can be beneficial for several reasons. One, I believe that the therapist needs to focus on the accountability of the cheater. This is best when it is the opposite sex.

I would generally agree with this, but be careful of gender-relevant psychology. IOW, it's better IMO for the therapist to have the reverse psychological setpoints from the relevant patient psychology. In our case, I found our male psychologist to have the relevant setpoints to effectively empathize with my wife's position and foil my somewhat gender-reversed psychology. He also had the intelligence and insight to debate me in an emotionless manner, not an easy task, and was very effective. I learned from him because I respected him, if that makes any sense.

 

In all cases, the parties must be open to the MC process and taking a hard look at themselves and their roles in life and in their relationship. We all have our stuff and sometimes that mirror can get pretty ugly

[Spark1111]

Wow, thank you all!

 

I'm at the Last Chance Texaco, for what is probably the final fueling. I'll keep you posted.

[Boundary Problem]

honesty.

 

 

For some reason, the b.s. is stripped away in counselling and there is more honesty. Not necessarily honesty to the therapist. But you start to see your spouse for the reality of who/what they are - which is a 'truth' of sorts.

 

If your spouse swears they want to save the marriage, yet you watch them do a 'snow' job on the therapist, then that is a 'truth' to consider.

 

Once you have the truth, then you can make a decision.

 

I find that when you are discussing stuff at home, there is so much history in that physical space that the communication becomes complacent and conciliatory (which is what marriage is) rather than honest.

 

When you have honesty when you are at a cross-roads, then the path is clear.

 

 

Good luck!