TogetherForever Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 and asks if I mind if his exwife comes to the birthday party on saturday. Of course I don't mind. I'm a better person than that to say no. BUT, do they remember how many family functions I didn't attend or wasn't invited to, just not to upset her??? Just debating wether or not to bring this up to him & his sisters. Opinions please. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 Whose Birthday is it? I think that would help make it easier for me to answer this.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TogetherForever Posted November 11, 2009 Author Share Posted November 11, 2009 Whose Birthday is it? I think that would help make it easier for me to answer this.. It's his nephew's birthday. His sisters son's bday. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 Who's birthday party is it? The kids? If so, then don't say a word. I can't remember your situation TF, sorry..But I take it you are with MM now.. Anyway, there's a big difference between not going to family functions when you're the OW, or newly together after the D, and this situation now. Leave the past in the past, be the bigger person and hopefully everyone will relax and have fun. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 Why continue the animosity? If she is willing to come knowing you are there...maybe this will be a step in the right direction at least for the rest of the family. Especially the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 It's his nephew's birthday. His sisters son's bday. If his sister has invited the ex-wife, and wants her there, I don't think you can say no to that.. Just be nice and don't have any uncomfortable conversations that could ruin the party. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TogetherForever Posted November 11, 2009 Author Share Posted November 11, 2009 Who's birthday party is it? The kids? If so, then don't say a word. I can't remember your situation TF, sorry..But I take it you are with MM now.. Anyway, there's a big difference between not going to family functions when you're the OW, or newly together after the D, and this situation now. Leave the past in the past, be the bigger person and hopefully everyone will relax and have fun. I understand about being the better person. I have been for many years now. Just want to remind them of how I felt. (They were separated for a year when we moved in together) I wasn't just a fling. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 Just want to remind them of how I felt. Why go there? Get over it and stay in the present. Bringing up the past and 'reminding' them of how YOU felt is just going to cause problems, stir up drama. The only way to heal and let go of the all the past stuff is stop bringing it up, stop aplogizing for it. Life goes on, so keep looking forward, not backwards. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TogetherForever Posted November 11, 2009 Author Share Posted November 11, 2009 Why continue the animosity? If she is willing to come knowing you are there...maybe this will be a step in the right direction at least for the rest of the family. Especially the kids. I've been to a bridal shower (she introduced herself to me there), a rehearsal dinner & a wedding with her. We sat together & had a great time. I just think enough is enough already. Plus, I want to remind them all of how they treated me as an outsider. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 Plus, I want to remind them all of how they treated me as an outsider. Yeah. No. If you want so much to remind them of this...you might want to consider that treating you that way is still their option. Wouldnt you rather, like them, move forward? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 You cannot expect HIS extended family to accept you and everything to be fine and dandy. You can't control this and IF you bring it up, remind them of how they made you feel like an outsider, it'll just cause MORE problems. Get over it TF. It takes time for families to get close and trust the 'new' person, especially since it's obvious the sister is close with his ex. How does he feel about this? Does he want you to 'remind' them that you were treated poorly? Anyway, because of how you two got together, this is just something you have to allow them time to work through. It hasn't been THAT long since the D has been final, summer time right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TogetherForever Posted November 11, 2009 Author Share Posted November 11, 2009 If his sister has invited the ex-wife, and wants her there, I don't think you can say no to that.. Just be nice and don't have any uncomfortable conversations that could ruin the party. She didn't get invited yet. They wanted to check with me first. To see if I'd mind that she go. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 But, if you choose to do this, keep in mind it is not going to help you build any relationship with them..Or allow them to trust you, get to know you in a loving way. I can tell you're still bitter. This is something you need to work through, maybe have a one on one with his sister one day..A nephews bday party IS NOT the place to hash this out as the bday is NOT about you, it's about the kid!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author TogetherForever Posted November 11, 2009 Author Share Posted November 11, 2009 Why go there? Get over it and stay in the present. Bringing up the past and 'reminding' them of how YOU felt is just going to cause problems, stir up drama. The only way to heal and let go of the all the past stuff is stop bringing it up, stop aplogizing for it. Life goes on, so keep looking forward, not backwards. I'm not apologizing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TogetherForever Posted November 11, 2009 Author Share Posted November 11, 2009 But, if you choose to do this, keep in mind it is not going to help you build any relationship with them..Or allow them to trust you, get to know you in a loving way. I can tell you're still bitter. This is something you need to work through, maybe have a one on one with his sister one day..A nephews bday party IS NOT the place to hash this out as the bday is NOT about you, it's about the kid!!! I know all this wwiu. They want to invite her because she has a broken foot & her 3 kids are going with us to the party. They feel bad cause she's alone not for any other reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 and asks if I mind if his exwife comes to the birthday party on saturday. Of course I don't mind. I'm a better person than that to say no. BUT, do they remember how many family functions I didn't attend or wasn't invited to, just not to upset her??? Just debating wether or not to bring this up to him & his sisters. Opinions please. Thanks Some will say high road... but I say low road! Confrontation is not something to fear. Passive aggressiveness is. On another note... I can't believe your still posting here! What about MovingOn, and GEL? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TogetherForever Posted November 11, 2009 Author Share Posted November 11, 2009 Some will say high road... but I say low road! Confrontation is not something to fear. Passive aggressiveness is. On another note... I can't believe your still posting here! What about MovingOn, and GEL? Gel still posts here but I don't know what happened to movinon. SO you think I'm taking the low road Cobra? Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 Gel still posts here but I don't know what happened to movinon. SO you think I'm taking the low road Cobra? I'm not so focused on what to call it. I think you need to stand up for yourself and tell them how you feel. I would. Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 I don't know the specifics of the length of time since the change in the relationship dynamics.. when she became the X and you came out of the "O" position. So, I would handle this one of two ways... If I felt that I could go and have a good time despite her being there, that i could feel comfortable, relaxed, and truly enjoy myself, I would go and do just that. But, if I thought I would be made to feel like I was still the Other, as opposed to the Only, then I would politely decline to attend the event. I would send a gift, and explain that you would feel uncomfortable and would rather not attend, but decline attendance politely. (I think it is insulting that they have asked you, as though what you say would make a difference. It appears to me that they made the decision already.) You do not have the right to choose for them, but you have the right to not put yourself in a potentialy emotionaly upsetting situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TogetherForever Posted November 11, 2009 Author Share Posted November 11, 2009 I just spoke to his sister. She said not to get her wrong why she was asking if I minded if she invited her. It was because their daughter asked if her mom could come to the party. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TogetherForever Posted November 11, 2009 Author Share Posted November 11, 2009 I'm not so focused on what to call it. I think you need to stand up for yourself and tell them how you feel. I would. That's what I'm trying to decide. Bite my tongue or say something??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TogetherForever Posted November 11, 2009 Author Share Posted November 11, 2009 I don't know the specifics of the length of time since the change in the relationship dynamics.. when she became the X and you came out of the "O" position. So, I would handle this one of two ways... If I felt that I could go and have a good time despite her being there, that i could feel comfortable, relaxed, and truly enjoy myself, I would go and do just that. But, if I thought I would be made to feel like I was still the Other, as opposed to the Only, then I would politely decline to attend the event. I would send a gift, and explain that you would feel uncomfortable and would rather not attend, but decline attendance politely. (I think it is insulting that they have asked you, as though what you say would make a difference. It appears to me that they made the decision already.) You do not have the right to choose for them, but you have the right to not put yourself in a potentialy emotionaly upsetting situation. Thanks FA!! They didn't ask her yet if she wanted to go. They asked me if I'd mind if she was asked to come along. Her kids want her to go of course. I understand that. I just don't feel that because I've met her & hung out a few times, that we need to be at the same functions together all the time. I think I'll let this one go. Oh & btw, they separated 1 year after we started seeing each other. We have been together 9 years & his divorce was only final this Sept. 14th. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TogetherForever Posted November 11, 2009 Author Share Posted November 11, 2009 I don't know the specifics of the length of time since the change in the relationship dynamics.. when she became the X and you came out of the "O" position. So, I would handle this one of two ways... If I felt that I could go and have a good time despite her being there, that i could feel comfortable, relaxed, and truly enjoy myself, I would go and do just that. But, if I thought I would be made to feel like I was still the Other, as opposed to the Only, then I would politely decline to attend the event. I would send a gift, and explain that you would feel uncomfortable and would rather not attend, but decline attendance politely. (I think it is insulting that they have asked you, as though what you say would make a difference. It appears to me that they made the decision already.) You do not have the right to choose for them, but you have the right to not put yourself in a potentialy emotionaly upsetting situation. They're giving me the choice of wether or not she is invited. I like that better than having to choose wether or not I will attend because she is going to be there. Link to post Share on other sites
MizzBlue72 Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 Well - you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you tell them NOT to invite her and she finds out, then not only are you the bad person to the family but again to her. If you tell them to invite her - you will be awkward, feel awkward. I say tell them it doesn't bug you, try to be civil. Hell - ask the xMM what he thinks ... Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 I wouldn't have bothered to ask you if she could attend considering its not your son or your party. It is my opinion that you should feel flattered that she seemed to be asking your permission, for something she doesn't need it for. I see no need to tell them that you felt excluded. That's a conversation for you and him, not you and his family. It is time to move beyond this. Link to post Share on other sites
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