So his sister calls me

[Cobra_X]

That's what I'm trying to decide.

Bite my tongue or say something???

 

Maybe you can have both.

 

They're giving me the choice of wether or not she is invited.

I like that better than having to choose wether or not I will attend because she is going to be there.

 

They are giving you the option. This is a good chance to let them know you didn't appreciate how you were treated previously... but that your a bigger person than her!

[TogetherForever]

Well - you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

If you tell them NOT to invite her and she finds out, then not only are you the bad person to the family but again to her.

If you tell them to invite her - you will be awkward, feel awkward.

I say tell them it doesn't bug you, try to be civil. Hell - ask the xMM what he thinks ...

 

Good luck.

 

He put it back on me when I asked if he minded if she went.

I'm not uncomfortable around her at all. She's very sweet. And I get along well with the kids.

[TogetherForever]

Maybe you can have both.

 

 

 

They are giving you the option. This is a good chance to let them know you didn't appreciate how you were treated previously... but that your a bigger person than her!

 

 

Correction: they will know that I'm a bigger person for not bringing up something that happened in the past. And for being an adult in all of this.

[TogetherForever]

Some will say high road... but I say low road! Confrontation is not something to fear. Passive aggressiveness is.

 

On another note... I can't believe your still posting here!

 

What about MovingOn, and GEL?

 

Won't you tell me who you were back then? Please!

[Cobra_X]

Correction: they will know that I'm a bigger person for not bringing up something that happened in the past. And for being an adult in all of this.

 

Win - Win then?

[NoIDidn't]

I know all this wwiu. They want to invite her because she has a broken foot & her 3 kids are going with us to the party.

They feel bad cause she's alone not for any other reason.

 

No, that's what you were told, but I doubt they are only inviting her because she's "alone".

 

If her children are going, they have no need to keep her away.

 

I think the sister is only letting you feel like you have some say in this. I don't think you do. I'm not trying to be snarky. I'm serious. There is no way I'd let my brothers long-term gf/ow dictate who I could and couldn't invite to my son's party. And considering she's been a part of their lives as an aunt, I doubt the exW is just going to disappear because the divorce is final.

 

This is what a blended family looks like. Bringing up your perception of how you felt treated is only going to seem petty. And might make them feel validated in what they did to begin with.

 

What am I saying? You can't win, no matter what you so might as well be cordial and welcoming of the ex-W whenever she is around at events with your BFs kids.

[TogetherForever]

Win - Win then?

 

 

Maybe - just maybe.

 

Who were you back in the day Cobra? Did I post with you back in time?

[TogetherForever]

No, that's what you were told, but I doubt they are only inviting her because she's "alone".

 

If her children are going, they have no need to keep her away.

 

I think the sister is only letting you feel like you have some say in this. I don't think you do. I'm not trying to be snarky. I'm serious. There is no way I'd let my brothers long-term gf/ow dictate who I could and couldn't invite to my son's party. And considering she's been a part of their lives as an aunt, I doubt the exW is just going to disappear because the divorce is final.

 

This is what a blended family looks like. Bringing up your perception of how you felt treated is only going to seem petty. And might make them feel validated in what they did to begin with.

 

What am I saying? You can't win, no matter what you so might as well be cordial and welcoming of the ex-W whenever she is around at events with your BFs kids.

 

 

Now I'm not being snarky.

If she were invited without me being asked or even told that she'd be there HE would have something to say about it. Not me.

[NoIDidn't]

Now I'm not being snarky.

If she were invited without me being asked or even told that she'd be there HE would have something to say about it. Not me.

 

And that's exactly as it should be. This is HIS family. They make their own decisions. You talk to him about what you are comfortable with. HE talks to them about it.

 

I have lived this enough times to know what is being said behind the scenes. No matter what they are telling you. They all know it is a sticky situation.

 

Accept that she will be around. Because to not allow it, will mean them not seeing their nieces/nephews as often as they would like. This situation is far more delicate because there are children involved.

 

Been there, done that. Threw out the souvenirs.

[TogetherForever]

No, that's what you were told, but I doubt they are only inviting her because she's "alone".

 

If her children are going, they have no need to keep her away.

 

I think the sister is only letting you feel like you have some say in this. I don't think you do. I'm not trying to be snarky. I'm serious. There is no way I'd let my brothers long-term gf/ow dictate who I could and couldn't invite to my son's party. And considering she's been a part of their lives as an aunt, I doubt the exW is just going to disappear because the divorce is final.

 

This is what a blended family looks like. Bringing up your perception of how you felt treated is only going to seem petty. And might make them feel validated in what they did to begin with.

 

What am I saying? You can't win, no matter what you so might as well be cordial and welcoming of the ex-W whenever she is around at events with your BFs kids.

 

We need to be cordial & welcoming to each other! For the kids sake.

Their brother would not visit at all if they felt the same as you.

 

Things have changed & she gets the invites now.

[NoIDidn't]

We need to be cordial & welcoming to each other! For the kids sake.

Their brother would not visit at all if they felt the same as you.

 

Things have changed & she gets the invites now.

 

Are you saying that she isn't cordial towards you? You recently said that you two buried the hatchet when she approached you.

 

If she's being nasty towards you, then you need to have a pow wow with HIM AND HER, for the sake of EVERYONE. But mainly for you and the kids. Because in the end, its the kids that are really getting the short end of the stick.

[TogetherForever]

And that's exactly as it should be. This is HIS family. They make their own decisions. You talk to him about what you are comfortable with. HE talks to them about it.

 

I have lived this enough times to know what is being said behind the scenes. No matter what they are telling you. They all know it is a sticky situation.

 

Accept that she will be around. Because to not allow it, will mean them not seeing their nieces/nephews as often as they would like. This situation is far more delicate because there are children involved.

 

Been there, done that. Threw out the souvenirs.

 

The children are never kept away from the family when their mother isn't around.

They are 16, 30 & 25. The 16 year old comes with her dad & me to these things. The other 2 are old enough to go by themselves to family things.

[TogetherForever]

Are you saying that she isn't cordial towards you? You recently said that you two buried the hatchet when she approached you.

 

If she's being nasty towards you, then you need to have a pow wow with HIM AND HER, for the sake of EVERYONE. But mainly for you and the kids. Because in the end, its the kids that are really getting the short end of the stick.

 

 

Oh no no no. SHe & I are cordial to each other. She's a sweetheart.

Geez, I pick up things at the store for her if she needs something while in a cast.

 

I am not a mean person NID. I just don't think that, because I've met the exw & we are amicable, that we need to do things together all the time.

[NoIDidn't]

The children are never kept away from the family when their mother isn't around.

They are 16, 30 & 25. The 16 year old comes with her dad & me to these things. The other 2 are old enough to go by themselves to family things.

 

Are you serious? Then why refer to them as "children" instead of "adult children".

 

Sounds like there is a lot of MUTUAL animosity going on here. There is a lot that you aren't telling (not that you have to). Like I said, I've lived this so there has to be more going on than what you've said already. And even if you tried to tell it, I doubt very seriously that the LS servers could handle it all.

 

All of this goes back to how your relationship started. No getting away from that. This whole family is still struggling with the way HE handled things. You, his ex, and their mostly adult children are the ones that get the focus, when its him that really owes them more consideration for how he handled his marriage/divorce.

 

Of course, this is just my opinion given what you have shared so far (and over the years).

[NoIDidn't]

Oh no no no. SHe & I are cordial to each other. She's a sweetheart.

Geez, I pick up things at the store for her if she needs something while in a cast.

 

I am not a mean person NID. I just don't think that, because I've met the exw & we are amicable, that we need to do things together all the time.

 

Whew! Good. I totally understand not wanting to do things together all the time, but some families are just like that.

 

I don't think you are a meanie, TF. But I am mightily confused now about why they bothered to call you. They didn't need to. It wasn't your decision to make IMO.

[TogetherForever]

Are you serious? Then why refer to them as "children" instead of "adult children".

 

Sounds like there is a lot of MUTUAL animosity going on here. There is a lot that you aren't telling (not that you have to). Like I said, I've lived this so there has to be more going on than what you've said already. And even if you tried to tell it, I doubt very seriously that the LS servers could handle it all.

 

All of this goes back to how your relationship started. No getting away from that. This whole family is still struggling with the way HE handled things. You, his ex, and their mostly adult children are the ones that get the focus, when its him that really owes them more consideration for how he handled his marriage/divorce.

 

Of course, this is just my opinion given what you have shared so far (and over the years).

 

 

He is the one I will remind about the way I was treated back then.

I will be with the exw this weekend & will be cordial to her.

 

What else would you like to know that you think I've left out.

 

I call my children "children". They are 15 & 21. They are my children.

[NoIDidn't]

He is the one I will remind about the way I was treated back then.

I will be with the exw this weekend & will be cordial to her.

 

What else would you like to know that you think I've left out.

 

I call my children "children". They are 15 & 21. They are my children.

 

I think you should talk to him. He sat by and allowed them to treat you however it is that you feel they treated you. It was HIS job to put an end to it. Maybe his guilt or desire just to avoid the drama led him to do it. Either way, this is on him. Not on his sister(s) or other siblings if any. Not on his exW. Not on his kids. Not on you. This is his doing, his thing to fix/address.

 

I don't need to know anything else that you've left out. You have your reasons for doing so. But I am sure that lots has gone on over the years of you wishing for an official divorce (his family too) that you don't care to rehash. And I wouldn't blame you.

 

On the children. It just helps over the internet to give an impression of age ranges when speaking about them. I will probably call my kids children into their forties if I live to see it, so that's not it. Just that a 16 y.o. is almost an adult, and 25 and 30 are definitely not children that can't fend for themselves. It just helps us better over the internet to differentiate between small/young children vs. adult children no longer living with the parents. (different dynamic)

[TogetherForever]

Whew! Good. I totally understand not wanting to do things together all the time, but some families are just like that.

 

I don't think you are a meanie, TF. But I am mightily confused now about why they bothered to call you. They didn't need to. It wasn't your decision to make IMO.

 

 

Because a few times I chose to stay home from family functions because his wife was there. I thought I would upset her.

 

They don't want me to feel uncomfortable if she goes.

She might decide not to go. WHo knows?

[TogetherForever]

I think you should talk to him. He sat by and allowed them to treat you however it is that you feel they treated you. It was HIS job to put an end to it. Maybe his guilt or desire just to avoid the drama led him to do it. Either way, this is on him. Not on his sister(s) or other siblings if any. Not on his exW. Not on his kids. Not on you. This is his doing, his thing to fix/address.

 

I don't need to know anything else that you've left out. You have your reasons for doing so. But I am sure that lots has gone on over the years of you wishing for an official divorce (his family too) that you don't care to rehash. And I wouldn't blame you.

 

On the children. It just helps over the internet to give an impression of age ranges when speaking about them. I will probably call my kids children into their forties if I live to see it, so that's not it. Just that a 16 y.o. is almost an adult, and 25 and 30 are definitely not children that can't fend for themselves. It just helps us better over the internet to differentiate between small/young children vs. adult children no longer living with the parents. (different dynamic)

 

 

It was all him NID. I will bring this matter up to him.

Like I said, there's no need for her & I to do certain family gatherings together.

The wedding of their son was different.

[NoIDidn't]

Because a few times I chose to stay home from family functions because his wife was there. I thought I would upset her.

 

They don't want me to feel uncomfortable if she goes.

 

It was all him NID. I will bring this matter up to him.

Like I said, there's no need for her & I to do certain family gatherings together.

The wedding of their son was different.

 

His family members are very nice to you, so its confusing that you also say that you wanted to confront them for how you were treated years ago. But that's another thread practically.

 

I agree that its ALL him. And you love him, and I am sure that he loves you. But he has to stop this conflict avoidance. He probably was more than happy that you took it onto yourself to stay away from some family events that his exW was attending because it made things easy for him.

 

Well, its time to stop making things easy for HIM. Time for him to stop his sister from having to play the police between you and the ex. Time for him to demonstrate that love and protectiveness that he has reserved for himself towards YOU!

 

Its been nearly 10 years, for cripes sake!

 

Again, my two cents.

[TogetherForever]

His family members are very nice to you, so its confusing that you also say that you wanted to confront them for how you were treated years ago. But that's another thread practically.

 

I agree that its ALL him. And you love him, and I am sure that he loves you. But he has to stop this conflict avoidance. He probably was more than happy that you took it onto yourself to stay away from some family events that his exW was attending because it made things easy for him.

 

Well, its time to stop making things easy for HIM. Time for him to stop his sister from having to play the police between you and the ex. Time for him to demonstrate that love and protectiveness that he has reserved for himself towards YOU!

 

Its been nearly 10 years, for cripes sake!

 

Again, my two cents.

 

 

That was my wrong doing NID. I was gonna tell him & his sisters, & his mom actually, how they made me feel back then. BUT it wasn't them. It was him trying to lessen the drama with his wife at my expense.

 

Not their fault but his.

[NoIDidn't]

That was my wrong doing NID. I was gonna tell him & his sisters, & his mom actually, how they made me feel back then. BUT it wasn't them. It was him trying to lessen the drama with his wife at my expense.

 

Not their fault but his.

 

I think that is what I said? LOL.

 

I support you talking to him about this. He benefitted from having conflict free events with his exW at your expense. Sure, you allowed it, but somehow I doubt he disagreed with your staying home when it made things easier for him.

 

Good luck with this conversation. Its not likely to be pleasant, but it can certainly be productive.

[OWoman]

this is complicated!

 

I am so glad no one from my H's family wants his xW around any family gatherings!

[TogetherForever]

this is complicated!

 

I am so glad no one from my H's family wants his xW around any family gatherings!

 

 

Oh my!!

 

Seems like from the the time at the bridal shower, when she introduced herself to me, that I find myself at the rehearsal dinner sitting together & at the wedding on the dance floor with her.

Now at a birthday party.

 

Enough's enough now. Too close for my comfort.

[TogetherForever]

I think that is what I said? LOL.

 

I support you talking to him about this. He benefitted from having conflict free events with his exW at your expense. Sure, you allowed it, but somehow I doubt he disagreed with your staying home when it made things easier for him.

 

Good luck with this conversation. Its not likely to be pleasant, but it can certainly be productive.

 

 

Not pleasant because he's gonna ask why I'm bringing up the past. Then I'm gonna give it to him.