Still in love with the "other" man. Any suggestions?

[LynnK]

I am a married woman still in love with a man (let's call him Bob) I had an affair with for 2 years. We stopped seeing each other romantically a year ago when I found out he had a new girlfriend. I always knew it was a possibility he would hook up with someone because he was single and I'm not.

 

Here's a little background info. I got pregnant when I was nineteen and married my son's father when I was 25. I have left him numerous times and always went back after a few months. He is an alcoholic. He is not physically abusive, but has made my life unbearable at times. This past February I moved out and filed for divorce. I have never filed for divorce before. He flipped out and tried to kill himself the next day by taking an overdose of over the counter sleeping pills after drinking all night. He called 911 about 5 minutes later. I don't think he really wanted to kill himself.

 

The first three months we were separated, he got in a bar fight, wrecked his motorcycle (while intoxicated), went to the hospital 3 times (because of his overdose, his accident and his fight), destroyed some of my personal belongings and completely ignored his son because he was drunk most of the time. His financial situation is not too good as a result of all the hospital bills and the motorcycle that was totaled. He still had to make payments on it because the insurance money didn't pay off the loan. I get child support taken out of his paycheck.

 

He nearly lost his job, but his employer sent him to rehab to give him one last chance. He is now back to work, but was demoted. He has been sober for two months now and I have put the divorce on hold and am seeing him on a regular basis. He comes over in the evenings and we go to church together every Sunday. I have not moved back in with him and I don't intend to unless he can prove to me he has changed. I still love him, but he has hurt me terribly. Despite all of the bad things that have happened, he really is a great guy with a terrible disease: alcoholism.

 

But, I am still in love with Bob. He has kept in contact with me all this time and still has feelings for me too. He says we are friends, but we still flirt with each other. He would probably cheat on his new girlfriend with me, but I don't want to go back down that road. My husband knows I was unfaithful to him and I don't want to be that kind of person anymore.

 

I don't know if I should continue to try to reconcile with my husband, or if I should get divorced and pursue Bob. I don't even know if Bob is in love with me or not. He told me he loved me once, but I don't know if he meant it. I think he did, but he is a hard guy to figure out. I initiated the affair and he was reluctant to have a relationship with me because he thought it was wrong to be with a married woman. He had never been with a married woman before. He has never been married either. I wore him down and we started seeing each other. I feel like I dragged him in to a bad situation. I'm actually surprised that he has kept in touch with me.

 

Any comments or suggestions? I am really confused.

[Skittles]

I don't know if I should continue to try to reconcile with my husband, or if I should get divorced and pursue Bob. I don't even know if Bob is in love with me or not

 

 

Hi LynnK

 

 

I kinda believe that if you are in love with 2 people at the same time, for different reasons, you may not be in love with either one.

 

 

Of course I could be wrong, but whenever I felt strongly about 2 people at the same time, I knew I had to step-off and figure out what the heck I was doin' !?

 

 

I know it's possible to need, be in love with, more than one person during a period in your life and it sounds like you are having a hell of a time with your husband...

 

 

I'm thinking that you need to join either a support group for co-dependents, enablers...etc. or see a counselor about your situation..

 

 

I am not sure that dumping one for the other is the answer at this point..You have a son to think about too and a whole lot on your plate at this time....

 

 

I don't think "love" is the answer at this point...maybe self-love though.

 

 

 

Just a thought.

[LynnK]

Thanks Skittles.

 

I have been to Alanon, and read a lot of books about co-dependency. I'm actually doing a lot better than I was.

 

Maybe I'm afraid to let go. All I know is I am not happy.

 

I appreciate the input. It definitely gives me something to think about.

[Fancy]

My opinion? I think you should get away from both of them.......and especially your husband. Life with an alcoholic is pure hell and not something you or your child need to be around. So what if he tries to kill himself again? You are not responsible for his life. I know that sounds means but I've seen so many people control and manipulate others with their so-called suicide attempts.

 

Let's look at Bob. He knowingly and willingly got involved with a married woman. Then he got a girlfriend. Now he's still flirting with you. He can't be trusted either.

 

It sounds like you need to do some serious soul searching and some emotional housecleaning. You don't need either of these men in your life! Be alone for a while and find out who you are and what you want. I think some counseling would be good for you. If you can't afford it, check around. There's plenty of resources available for free or reduced fees.

 

You are in control of your destiny. So far it hasn't gone well. How many more years are you willing to spend spinning you wheels? It's time for you to buckle down and get real with what's going on in your life and how you've allowed yourself to be treated. The decision is all yours......

[LynnK]

Fancy,

 

I appreciate your input. It has crossed my mind to get rid of both of them many times. The worst part is that I could get rid of Bob (but I don't really want to), but my husband is much more difficult. Life with an alcoholic IS pure hell. I am hoping he will stay in recovery. I know that isn't very likely. I need to make a decision and stick with it, which is the one thing I haven't been able to do.

[jewelz]

LynnK, I see a lot of similarities in your situation and mine, only that yours is where mine might be headed. I'm concerned about my husbands drinking because I feel it is interfering with his family responsibilities. I'm worried that, with a family history of alcoholism, it will only get worse, and so I'm trying different ways to hopefully 'nip it in the bud'.

 

I'd like to commend you for your efforts towards your husband. You have obviously persevered with him, which is commendable considering you have endured so much heartache. My recommendation to you is that you stick by your husband, as long as is reasonable -- as long as he is making a concerted effort to get himself well. I don't believe in throwing away a marriage (like is done so often these days). After all, 'in sickness and in health', yes? That's what we vowed? It sounds like from some of the other posters here, that is not the advice. You've gone this far, and he is making a good effort (been sober for 2 months now) and you and him are making progress. Hang on to this and tell him how much you appreciate the effort he is making!

 

I consider how it must feel to be him. He got caught up in the drinking before he realized it, no doubt, and then saw how it was effecting the ones he loved (wife and son) and no doubt felt ashamed and frustrated, losing faith in himself, which drives the drinking even more. He needs time to rebuild himself, and this may not be without a few setbacks. Don't lose faith now. It sounds like he's making the best progress yet. Do what you can to hang in there.

 

As far as Bob is concerned, well...I have a "Bob" in my life as well. I sincerely sympathize with you there. I've considered all the things you've considered and it is not easy. My recommendation is to keep your contact with Bob minimal and focus on your husband until the direction your relationship is going with him is clear. Let Bob move on with his life (gf's etc.) and if/when it comes to a time that you are free to pursue something further with Bob, then consider that then. For now, focus on your husband and your son and take care of yourself and your emotional needs. I'll be thinking of you as I consider my own situation. Keep us updated on how you're doing.