I really want to salvage the friendship

[Baffled318]

I have a bit of drama to share...and actually could use some advice.

I think I know what to do or at least what I THINK I should do.

 

A bunch of people I went to high school with 20 years ago with started using an online network to reconnect. I happened to strike up conversation with a woman I didn't know personally in high school last winter...this was all online in chats or email...purely just online friends.

 

 

Over time we found out that we had some things in common, and it so happens that she apparently began the process of divorcing her husband/high school sweetheart. This had nothing to do with me. I only chatted with her perhaps once or twice a month so we didn't have any long term or frequent contact. We did bump into each other at a concert over the summer where she was with a couple of other girls I also knew from highschool.

 

Cut to the present...

A bunch of us had a get together last Saturday night, and a couple of days before she had been chatting with me telling me what a great guy I am...then a day later she sent me a message online to find out if I was going to the outing on Saturday night...and she told me to send her a text message to her cell phone and gave me her number. Then last Friday night she was out for a concert and a mutual friend of mine who was with her told me via a message online that I better go out Saturday with them and that she was talking about me....so it seemed that there was something going on here so I decided to go attend the Saturday night outing.

 

We went out, and twice this woman ( Michelle ) ended up dragging me out on the dance floor...throughout the night there was a little flirtation, and handholding while dancing.

Aside from a brief chat Sunday night, she seems be very evasive now . I am thinking that something from Saturday night is not sitting well with her. I went over everything in my mind and cannot think of anything that I did that was untowards, and have actually been contacted on other subjects by common friends in our network so it's not like I am being shunned by the group. We had a few drinks in us but I wasn't hanging on her or groping her or doing anything like that.

 

My guess is that Michelle is having a freakout. The place where we all went was where she had her wedding reception so many years ago...she's getting divorced and it is not final yet ....to a guy she was with for about 20 years...so a lot of changes for her this year. Now along with all of this I have reason to believe there is some other guy we went to school with that she is friendly with..to what extent I don't know. I figure if she hadn't been interested in me in some way she would not have given me her cell phone to text message her, nor would she have dragged me out on to the dance floor twice...right?

 

At this point I haven't had any contact with her since Sunday night via chat online. I tried to chat to her last night but it appeared that she logged off immediately....making it SEEM as if she is being evasive.

 

So that being said...

 

My neighbor/friend thinks that I just need to completely shut everything down and wait for her to come to me if she is going to do so. He says I should not contact her in any way until I perhaps bump in to her at an other outing, or perhaps a message in email somewhere down the line. He says that from what I have told him he doesn't seem to think that I did anything.

 

Another buddy of mine concurs...that she has a lot of emotional baggage and to let Michelle drive it if there is anything to become of this.

 

I sort of feel bad because I hadn't even given her this kind of thought until the last 5 days. We had been pretty good chat buddies, had stuff to talk about and seemed to enjoy each others chats. I feel like we were becoming friends and that it has been damaged..and I will regret that the most if that is the case. In any case you need a good friendship to have a good romance I think.

 

I also think that since she is still in the process of divorce she probably needs her space...no romantic entanglements probably but then again you never know.

I am open to the idea of a relationship with her but really would like to just get back in touch with her, and try to turn the clock back to before last weekend. My inclination is to send her a very short but direct email just asking how she is doing, is everything ok, and can we talk....and perhaps have a timeout.

 

Do you think that is a wise move or should I just let it go. My friend tells me that anything now that I say to her if she is not ready for it is only going to turn out poorly, and that I should just walk away and make it seem like I am not worried about anything....to me that seems like a game, and I hate games.

 

I'm finding I am having a hard time letting it go and it is occupying all of my thoughts.

 

What do you think?

Edited November 11, 2009 by Baffled318
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[WTRanger]

Listen to the people who are telling you to just let it go for now. They are correct. It is not a game. Keep in mind that people do not become evasive for no reason, and it is clearly not natural human behavior. But the more you push in, the more she will pull back. You will never gain anything right now, only frustration and eventually an angry "Leave me the F alone" argument from her.

 

Just let things die down at least until Jan-Feb 2010. Give her some time (months, not days or weeks) to figure things out. It almost sounds like she wanted to screw you just as a one night stand, and when you didn't pick up on her advances she got pissed. She could also be dealing with an insane amount of emotions from her divorce. Plus, she could have just been drunk and now realizes that she maybe doesn't want anything do to with you and chalked it up to a mere drunken encounter. Or it could be something with deep feelings and her not-final divorce.

 

Who knows? You won't ever find the answer, and if you do I can 100% assure you that it is not the answer you are hoping for.

[mushmush]

My friend tells me that anything now that I say to her if she is not ready for it is only going to turn out poorly, and that I should just walk away and make it seem like I am not worried about anything....to me that seems like a game, and I hate games.

 

 

Good advice.

 

What you are doing by walking away is being respectful of her and her situation. This is not playing games, she is going through a divorce from a guy she has been married to for 20 years.

 

It is NOT the right time.

[jerseyboy]

I'm surprised none of your friends told you to avoid her altogether, regardless of what she does.

 

DO NOT EVER GET EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED WITH A RECENTLY DIVORCED WOMAN

 

I could add especially after 20 yrs, but that would detract from the earlier rule.

 

You should admonish yourself for even giving her your real number:)