MMs W left me a voicemail

[Alpha Female]

.

 

I know you want to believe in him

 

No, not particularly. Because there is nothing to believe - lol. He hasnt told me anything, and he hasnt promised me a timeline or goal at this point. I just think the jury is still out, anything is possible, and until I hear something definitive, its pointless to imagine any kind of an outcome - whether its him staying with her and recomitting to the M and throwing me under the bus, or its him dropping the bomb on her and walking out.

 

Im neutral on this, and not attached to any particular outcome. I just dont see the value of working towards any scenario at this point without benefit of fact.

[Lucky_One]

Im neutral on this, and not attached to any particular outcome. I just dont see the value of working towards any scenario at this point without benefit of fact.

 

Really? Isn't that what this whole thread is about? People's thoughts on what the possibly scenarios could be?

 

You can say that you are neutral, but all of YOUR proposed scenarios are with him filing and her being suspicious. You sound very hopeful towards him having moved out.

 

2sure has a very plausible and very probably scenario. BS found texts or looked at the phone bill, asked H about them, he threw you under the bus, and she called you. She isn't limited to only digging in her personal phone bill because he told her about the EMA.

[torranceshipman]

I agree with 2Sure and Lucky...sounds like she found out somehow, he threw you under a bus by saying you have some crazy crush on him & won't stop pursuing him, or that you're a ONS gone bad, or something...I 100% don't think that he's left her...I also don't believe his story of insomnia, crying out your name in his sleep, etc...I think it's all part of the usual MM act to charm you...you did a goodthing going nc-the guy is a sad and sorry liar & a loser.

[Lucky_One]

I know he doesnt sleep often at night and gets up and paces the house and goes sits outside, calls my name out when he does sleep, doesnt eat, and hes told me his W has mentioned how distant and cold hes been lately. He doesnt hide his feelings very well.

 

 

Seriously, you need to stop hanging around outside his house at night. A neighbor is going to see you peering in his windows or sitting in your car on his street and call the cops on you. That is sort of creepy, IMHO.

[Alpha Female]

Seriously, you need to stop hanging around outside his house at night. A neighbor is going to see you peering in his windows or sitting in your car on his street and call the cops on you. That is sort of creepy, IMHO.

 

Oh, would you please stop? ha ha. You really think Im stalking him outside his house?

 

Give me a break.

 

No wonder people stop posting on here.

[whichwayisup]

I know he doesnt sleep often at night and gets up and paces the house and goes sits outside, calls my name out when he does sleep, doesnt eat, and hes told me his W has mentioned how distant and cold hes been lately. He doesnt hide his feelings very well.

 

how do you know this? Because he told you? I really hope you don't believe every word that comes out of his mouth.

[whichwayisup]

No, not particularly. Because there is nothing to believe - lol. He hasnt told me anything, and he hasnt promised me a timeline or goal at this point. I just think the jury is still out, anything is possible, and until I hear something definitive, its pointless to imagine any kind of an outcome - whether its him staying with her and recomitting to the M and throwing me under the bus, or its him dropping the bomb on her and walking out.

 

Im neutral on this, and not attached to any particular outcome. I just dont see the value of working towards any scenario at this point without benefit of fact.

 

If you are so netrual about this and not attached to any particular outcome, then just put ALL of this out of your head and live your life. Forget about him completely. Doesn't matter what happens next, it's out of your control anyway.

 

Yes, you are right, anything is possible..Though most of the time, as history shows it on LS, with most D-Days, the WS goes back to BS and the AP is told to go away.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

AF,

Sorry if I missed it, WHY didn't you listen to her entire VM??? The answer could lie there in. Did you delete it?

 

I just dont need her contacting me, and I dont appreciate that. Her issue is with him, not me.

 

HER issue is whatever she decides it is. We're back to gray here. Acting on feelings. You can say that you don't appreciate her contacting you, but I don't guess she cares how you FEEL about it anymore than you care how she felt about your R with her H.

 

Just something worth mentioning though. A BS who gets it somewhat out of their system with a phone call, meeting, email ect... is probably much safer than the quiet type that holds a major grudge and has the self control to wait years or so to issue back what she deems fair at a much later time in your life when things are going wonderful for you. Those are the very dangerous type.

 

I realize that you could possibly judge from her previous actions how you think she might react... but the fact that its a 2nd D day in her life, could make her even "crazier". Its my belief that those feelings are only compounded.

 

My biggest piece of advice to ANY OW, would be to choose your BS carefully.

[fooled once]

I was wondering the same thing -- why didn't you listen to the whole voicemail???

 

And I agree with 2sure and Mr. Lucky -- my view is you are really really wanting to think he moved out. Very strange too that he hasn't contacted you. For all you know, he may have also been on the voicemail that his wife left. She could have handed him the phone. You don't know because you said you didn't listen to the whole voicemail, which is very strange to me.

 

And I also agree --- don't believe everything out of his mouth (calling your name out in his sleep, how much he loves you and wants you, etc).... cheaters are known liars, unless of course you also had an affair with a MM who only lies to his wife and not the mistress.

[jennie-jennie]

? How do you know this? I mean, at this point, we have absolutely no idea whats going on. I dont know how much his W knows about me or the A, I dont know if she confronted MM, I dont know if MM filed and moved out, I dont know anything.

 

So, to assume that hes home denying the A and fighting for his M is lofty at this point.

 

We just dont know whats going on, so until I hear something solid from him (or, if enough time goes by and I dont hear from him at all, then I have my answer that hes home working on the M), no one can say for sure whats happening.

 

I still contend that if he decided to stay in his M, there is no way he would have told her about the A. And since the A was dead in the water and he knew the only way he would see me again was to leave her and file, and we had extremely LC for weeks, there was a very small chance she would find out about me on her own at this point. Unless he told her about me, which again, if he was staying with her, he wouldnt do. I can see him telling her everything, not naming me, her checking phone records and figuring it out, and calling me, while hes off planning on leaving her.

 

I like your approach. You are being very levelheaded. I am surprised at the degree the BSs here are screaming he threw you under the bus, when there is no evidence in either direction.

 

My guess would be he told her while trying to end things with her. This would not mean he succeeded in ending it or that he actually will end it. But - this is only my guess. We don't know what is going on, so no point in investing emotionally in either outcome.

[Skump]

Originally Posted by MizFit

Um, yes...it takes two to tango, but only 1 leads. He invited someone into the marriage and it should be him doing the explaining.

 

Um, NO. I hate to break it to you, but a person cannot abdicate moral responsibility by "merely" being the chronic enabler of someone else's loathsome behavior.

 

Not to mention the World-Of-Duh reality: The BS is going to consider the affair partner to be fair game, regardless of what argument anyone squawks.

 

Stay out of the kitchen if you can't handle getting burned. When you get involved in an affair, YES, you should expect to get harassed, have your reputation threatened, etc.

 

This is the perfectly logical outcome of such behavior and must be weighted in the calculus of choice.

Edited November 12, 2009 by Skump

[Impudent Oyster]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lucky_One

Seriously, you need to stop hanging around outside his house at night. A neighbor is going to see you peering in his windows or sitting in your car on his street and call the cops on you. That is sort of creepy, IMHO.

 

 

Oh, would you please stop? ha ha. You really think Im stalking him outside his house?

 

Give me a break.

 

No wonder people stop posting on here.

 

Actually I thought the same thing...how else would you know what he's doing at night if you're not looking in his windows or hiding in his closet?

[jj33]

WOW! Its natural that its surprising and upsetting. But really it doesnt change ANYTHING from your point of view.

 

You are one of the few who fell in love but didnt hand over her life on a platter.

 

You have told him what he needs to do if he wants to be with you.

 

You heard what his W said, stay away and that is consistent with your plan of action anyway - so long as he is married, you dont want anything more to do with him,

 

so ironically, you and his W are on the same page....

 

Curiousity tension all the rollercoaster of emotions that go along with the call are natural. But really nothing is different. Either he will act decisively to leave and move out over the course of the next few weeks or months, or he wont.

 

If he does, then maybe you two have a shot at a future together.

 

If he doesnt, then your instincts which told you to back away a few weeks ago were right and you have your whole life ahead of you...

 

 

I can imagine this is a difficult and confusing time.

 

Big hugs

[awkward]

For all I know, he filed papers, left her a note, and moved out.

Highly doubtful.

 

She has suspected him of having an A for months, so she could have checked his phone records, seen thousands of texts between us for months, and put two and two together.

Highly probable.

 

 

Usually I would say that he will be back. But on this one, I'm thinking that instead of going back he just moves on to a new OW.

 

I'm glad that you are out, neutral, and not hurt.

[Spoiled]

I like your approach. You are being very levelheaded. I am surprised at the degree the BSs here are screaming he threw you under the bus, when there is no evidence in either direction.

 

My guess would be he told her while trying to end things with her. This would not mean he succeeded in ending it or that he actually will end it. But - this is only my guess. We don't know what is going on, so no point in investing emotionally in either outcome.

 

JJ, I totally agree with you. My xMM's W was called me and during our conversation mentioned how she was not getting "ANY information" out of him and wondering why he was protecting me so much. She was pissed because he never denied we had a special relationship and was not saying anything bad about me. Our conversation lasted almost two hours, therefore, her further calls to me were totally ignored. She was screaming and leaving messages like "you better call me" like I was her child or something. And similar comments such as "leave my H alone" and "do not call him" like our relationship only involved me contacting him. After this drama, we were in LC but continued months afterward. I am definitely not proud about this, just stating what happened. So who knows, he may or may not have thrown her under the bus.

[howcouldInotknow]

I am sorry but if I were seeing a MM and his wife called me they would both be sorry she both MM an his wife. If she needs information she should get it from her husband. I do not care what anyone says. Alpha Female had I been in your shoes I would have listened to the entire message and called her back and let her know she why she should never call me again.

Does she really want to know what you have to say about your relationship with her husband ? No not really. I was getting blocked calls that I figured was XMM wife but she would just listen and not say anything. If I caught my husband cheating I would never call the other woman. I just think its in bad taste.

[Fallen Angel]

Alpha,

 

None of us knows what is going on, it is all just conjecture on everyone's part. And based on the way they have decided that it "must be like this" or "must be like that" you can generally tell where they stand as far as their postion or former positions in a triangle. But the truth is the only people who know FOR SURE right now, are your MM and his W.

 

Personally, I think that is CRAP. If I were you I would call My MM and demand answers whether he has left her and is working on moving towards you, or he is at home furiously trying to cover his own a$$ the fact is, YOU should be in on what is happening too, as it very much involves you.

 

She may call again. She may decide to hunt you down and show up at your work, or even your home. You have a right to know what to expect, and he OWES IT TO YOU to give you that.

 

Anyway, just be careful, there is no telling where things may go.. just because in the movies it is usually the OW that turns crazy stalker doesn't mean that in real life it can't be someone else in the triangle.. watch your back, lock your doors, and demand to know what is going on!!

[NoIDidn't]

None of us knows what is going on, it is all just conjecture on everyone's part. And based on the way they have decided that it "must be like this" or "must be like that" you can generally tell where they stand as far as their postion or former positions in a triangle. But the truth is the only people who know FOR SURE right now, are your MM and his W.

 

 

This is the kind of inciting language around here that is unhelpful.

 

To state that you can tell where a poster sits on the triangle based on what they posted is very presumptuous. There are posters here that have never been in a triangle, and some that have been in ALL the positions on the triangle. What then of these *theories* about other posters?

 

People are posting what they think and feel of the situation. If we agree or disagree, there is no need to start basically calling out the camps and separating posters into them based on what they type!

 

Good grief.

[howcouldInotknow]

Alpha,

 

None of us knows what is going on, it is all just conjecture on everyone's part. And based on the way they have decided that it "must be like this" or "must be like that" you can generally tell where they stand as far as their postion or former positions in a triangle. But the truth is the only people who know FOR SURE right now, are your MM and his W.

 

Personally, I think that is CRAP. If I were you I would call My MM and demand answers whether he has left her and is working on moving towards you, or he is at home furiously trying to cover his own a$$ the fact is, YOU should be in on what is happening too, as it very much involves you.

 

She may call again. She may decide to hunt you down and show up at your work, or even your home. You have a right to know what to expect, and he OWES IT TO YOU to give you that.

 

Anyway, just be careful, there is no telling where things may go.. just because in the movies it is usually the OW that turns crazy stalker doesn't mean that in real life it can't be someone else in the triangle.. watch your back, lock your doors, and demand to know what is going on!!

 

 

I agree I would demand answers and let him know his wife should never attempt to contact me in anyway ever again. Especially if he does decide to recommitt to his marriage.

[Fallen Angel]

This is the kind of inciting language around here that is unhelpful.

 

To state that you can tell where a poster sits on the triangle based on what they posted is very presumptuous. There are posters here that have never been in a triangle, and some that have been in ALL the positions on the triangle. What then of these *theories* about other posters?

 

People are posting what they think and feel of the situation. If we agree or disagree, there is no need to start basically calling out the camps and separating posters into them based on what they type!

 

Good grief.

 

Okay, perhaps I was wrong with that, and for that I apologize.. but I see Alpha being ganged up on, and a mob mentality forming as though it is okay to keep beating her up. That is how I see it, and I have been on all corners of the triangle.

 

I just don't think that the constant battering is needed to get the point across. The same people posting essentially the same words over and over and over is like beating her and then while she is down poking her some more with a sharp stick.

 

I know you have seen that I most often take the "side" of the hurting party, no matter where they stand in the triangle.

[DiDi123]

Hi AF,

Have you heard anything today?

Try to stay positive and keep your chin up.

Try to get him (and the whole situation) off your mind- can you go away for a few days? Or go to a Spa for the day- you know, do something really nice for you?

 

You have been through a lot lately and deserve a break-

I'm here for you.....((hugs))

[bentnotbroken]

I am sorry but if I were seeing a MM and his wife called me they would both be sorry she both MM an his wife. If she needs information she should get it from her husband. I do not care what anyone says. Alpha Female had I been in your shoes I would have listened to the entire message and called her back and let her know she why she should never call me again.

Does she really want to know what you have to say about your relationship with her husband ? No not really. I was getting blocked calls that I figured was XMM wife but she would just listen and not say anything. If I caught my husband cheating I would never call the other woman. I just think its in bad taste.

 

Not rational, maybe. But most aren't thinking rationally. Gas lighting tends to do that to you. But bad taste, hardly. Bad taste is screwing around and lying about. Bad taste is not owning your crap. Bad taste is being a party to the gas lighting. Bad taste is choosing to cheat in the first place. But phone calls were the least of what Mr. Messy and ow got. Phone calls only would have made them pretty damn lucky and more than blessed.

[howcouldInotknow]

Not rational, maybe. But most aren't thinking rationally. Gas lighting tends to do that to you. But bad taste, hardly. Bad taste is screwing around and lying about. Bad taste is not owning your crap. Bad taste is being a party to the gas lighting. Bad taste is choosing to cheat in the first place. But phone calls were the least of what Mr. Messy and ow got. Phone calls only would have made them pretty damn lucky and more than blessed.

 

At the end of the day she never lied to his wife. If marriage can be saved its between the two spouses not the OW so ultimately she isn't the problem. Just like I think a discarded OW calling the wife is in bad taste. Its just lashing out but in the process of lashing out you need to be careful where you strike .

[frannie]

... we had a hot and heavy A for months. Then, it ended two weeks ago, and we have had extremely limited contact since then.

 

This week, he pours out his heart, says hell do whatever it takes to get me back, and thats when I told him he needs to file, move out, and see a therapist. I mean, I told him this yesterday.

 

... I have to think he did something that outted me/us or he walked out on her, and she decided to sleuth him out and check phone records, etc. and took a stab in the dark at me after seeing thousands of texts messages on his phone bill.

 

I had already walked and we were over!

 

I dont get it.

 

Hello.

 

In your eyes it's 'over', because you told him yesterday that he needs to file, move out and see a therapist. In reality you were talking to him yesterday (well, a couple of days ago, now), still exchanging text messages, still leaving a trail.

 

If you want to know why she coincidentally found evidence of the affair right now, I think you needn't look too far. What about her guessing what's been going on, after noticing his increasingly peculiar behaviour? Then two weeks ago you went LC, he'll have been stressed and upset, and it will have had repercussions at home. She'll have been on the lookout for the signs. Then yesterday, you told him he needs to file - he'll be on an emotional knife-edge and acting very strange indeed.

 

It's no surprise to me that that's exactly when she checked phone records, and as you say, she'll have seen a lot of texts exchanged between the two of you, and realised that he's up to his tricks again... hence the phonecall.

 

I don't think he needs to have done anything specific or deliberate, just found it hard to hide the signs of his infidelity and stress.

[Fallen Angel]

Hello.

 

In your eyes it's 'over', because you told him yesterday that he needs to file, move out and see a therapist. In reality you were talking to him yesterday (well, a couple of days ago, now), still exchanging text messages, still leaving a trail.

 

If you want to know why she coincidentally found evidence of the affair right now, I think you needn't look too far. What about her guessing what's been going on, after noticing his increasingly peculiar behaviour? Then two weeks ago you went LC, he'll have been stressed and upset, and it will have had repercussions at home. She'll have been on the lookout for the signs. Then yesterday, you told him he needs to file - he'll be on an emotional knife-edge and acting very strange indeed.

 

It's no surprise to me that that's exactly when she checked phone records, and as you say, she'll have seen a lot of texts exchanged between the two of you, and realised that he's up to his tricks again... hence the phonecall.

 

I don't think he needs to have done anything specific or deliberate, just found it hard to hide the signs of his infidelity and stress.

 

I agree with that... whenever I start to pull away from My MM he becomes emotionally agitated. He gets into more arguments at home (at least from what he tells me, YES, it could be a lie) He doesn't sleep well. (I know this because he emails and instant messages, and calls me every couple of hours all night at those times, so it is obvious he is NOT sleeping) And he spends more of his days off trying to spend time with me. So during those times, she is more likely to see signs of what is happening.

 

When all is well with me, he sleeps better. He is generally in a happier mood, and I would guess he more easily portrays the loving father/.husband role at home because of it.