rp123 Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 Ok, I'm at 60+ days NC. I'm still hurt. I still love her. But I am calm, and more considered. I'm well on the way to accepting its over. Halfway through my NC, she sent me a text asking if she could talk, then a friend of hers text me and asks me to call her. I blank both, and remain NC. I've heard nothing more.... During the last days of contact I was the usual pleading, sobbing, slobbering fool. Offering anything, compromising myself and dignity, desperate to claim her back. Our last conversation was on the phone, I was a drunk weeping, weak fool, humiliating myself. After 8years together I don't want this to be her last memory/image of me. I suppose I want closure in a dignified way... Am I just deceiving myself, will I just humiliate myself again by contacting her? Is silience still the best way to proceed? Link to post Share on other sites
Confused_Chump Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 (edited) I think most people here will tend to tell you to maintain NC and just move on with life. This is probably the safest and most logical advice one can give. However, I firmly believe that although many of us are in similar situations, there are always underlying points that make each of our situations unique and different. In other words, no one will really know what's best for you other than yourself. I've come to learn that closure is a very powerful force that can help you with your process of healing. Hence if closure is the only thing you seek, then I don't see a problem with talking to her. In my case, I was lucky enough to be able to have a final talk with my ex in the most peaceful and gratifying way possible and in the end I was able to get the closure that I needed in order for me to move on. You guys were together for 8 years, which usually means it was a very deeply rooted relationship. Based on this fact alone, I sincerely hope that the both of you would have gained enough respect for each other over these years that you can sit down and find the closure that you guys need without any sort of drama. In summary, a final talk may be what you need to in order to put you over the hump and allow you to start moving on with a clear heart and mind, but at the same time it can open up the wounds that have been healing over the past 60 days. So if you do decide to break NC, you really have to understand what the purpose of it is for. This is just my humble opinion on the situation you've presented, hope others can chime in and give you some other insight. Good luck! Edited November 12, 2009 by Confused_Chump Link to post Share on other sites
sean1970 Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 Ok, I'm at 60+ days NC. I'm still hurt. I still love her. But I am calm, and more considered. Of the things you listed, 'calm' is not the one you need to be concerned with (IMO). 'Calm' for me meant I could actually do 20% of my work, eat without an alarm to remind me to do so, and that there was sunlight behind my curtains. IMO, until you dont feel the hurt, the love starts to fade, is it really worth losing calm too if it does not go how you think...? I suppose I want closure in a dignified way... Believe me, I know how you feel but dignity is not something that is given by others and especially not from your ex. Dignity for you right now is 60+ days of NC. Am I just deceiving myself, will I just humiliate myself again by contacting her? Is silience still the best way to proceed? If you can answer 'yes' or even 'possibly' to any of these questions, let me add one more, "Am I willing to throw away 2 months of healing?" Link to post Share on other sites
McGrupp Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 dont do it. i broke 25 days looking for something. i got it. we had a nice conversation. the emotions had settled. we both wished each other well. and then I spiraled down so hard. and then ended up contacting her later that week drunk and putting myself into a depression i havent been able to leave. its never enough. just leave it be... Link to post Share on other sites
sean1970 Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 Am I just deceiving myself, will I just humiliate myself again by contacting her? Is silience still the best way to proceed? If you can answer 'yes' or even 'possibly' to any of these questions, let me add one more, "Am I willing to throw away 2 months of healing?" Um, the first two questions Link to post Share on other sites
JL911 Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 Some things are better left unsaid... Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 It was strong of you to not answer her text, I would have caved! I don't know your story, what do you think her text might have said? Would it help to talk things through? Do you want her back? Ok, I'm at 60+ days NC. I'm still hurt. I still love her. But I am calm, and more considered. I'm well on the way to accepting its over. Halfway through my NC, she sent me a text asking if she could talk, then a friend of hers text me and asks me to call her. I blank both, and remain NC. I've heard nothing more.... During the last days of contact I was the usual pleading, sobbing, slobbering fool. Offering anything, compromising myself and dignity, desperate to claim her back. Our last conversation was on the phone, I was a drunk weeping, weak fool, humiliating myself. After 8years together I don't want this to be her last memory/image of me. I suppose I want closure in a dignified way... Am I just deceiving myself, will I just humiliate myself again by contacting her? Is silience still the best way to proceed? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rp123 Posted November 12, 2009 Author Share Posted November 12, 2009 It was strong of you to not answer her text, I would have caved! I don't know your story, what do you think her text might have said? Would it help to talk things through? Do you want her back? Although I didn't reply to her text, I did read it. It just said 'how are you? I don't wish to disrupt your life, but can I talk to you soon? Please. ' After not replying for a couple of hours I got a call from a number I didn't recognise. I ignored them, then received a text which said: 'Hi I'm *** a friend of *** I would appreciate it if you could me a call. Than you. ' I remained NC. Have heard nothing since. Link to post Share on other sites
EricaH329 Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 Oh rp, I am so sorry you are going through this. Although I very strongly suggest NC, I do believe that the first post has a lot of valid points. I needed to get closure as well. A month after we broke up and remaining NC, he broke it, only for me to break it as well. We had a very, very long talk about everything. I recieved the closure I needed. However, it did set me back. I think that if you have enough self-discipline to understand that you might get set back by doing this, and know that after this closure talk that you need to go back to NC (and be able to fully stick through it), then it might just be what you need. After recieving closure, it might be easier to maintain NC, but it will still not be easy. I hope you aren't under the illusion that after you talk to her that everything will be great. You will still need to heal. Especially after having talked to her, it will feel like you took a few steps back. But I do believe that closure is a quicker way of healing. I hope all of this made sense to you. I know that you will do whatever you feel is right at this moment. You are a smart man, and I know that whatever situation you may be put in, you will be able to think things through before letting it get the best of you. Please, keep us updated! Link to post Share on other sites
sean1970 Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 I needed to get closure as well. A month after we broke up and remaining NC, he broke it, only for me to break it as well. We had a very, very long talk about everything. I recieved the closure I needed. However, it did set me back. If you dont mind the question, what was closure for you? Link to post Share on other sites
EricaH329 Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 If you dont mind the question, what was closure for you? Well, in my situation he started acting very distant and odd towards the end of our relationship. Basically treating me like crap. When we had our closure talk, we basically talked about what happened, why it happened, and how it made both of us feel. The fact that I was able to get some sort of idea as to why everything ended the way that it did, made me feel as though there were no questions left unanswered. Hence, closure. Link to post Share on other sites
EricaH329 Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 Rp, I should mention that if you want to talk to her so that she doesn't think low of you, then you would be wasting your time. She already knows you. You were with her for x amount of years. If that's what you are referring to as 'closure' then I would not pursue that. Just my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
sean1970 Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 I posted this to another thread but it works here... I just think that actively seeking closure is a dangerous pursuit. They have all the ability and power to string you along while never really cementing anything that will satisfy you. How many here have hung on longer than they should have, with many embarrassing regrets along the way, looking for closure? IMO, if there is closure to be had, let them give it, don't go ask for it. Erica, I think your case is somewhat rare, being that civil in the end... I think that typically the safest way is to take the breakup as closure and start moving on... I wish I had... Link to post Share on other sites
EricaH329 Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 I posted this to another thread but it works here... I just think that actively seeking closure is a dangerous pursuit. They have all the ability and power to string you along while never really cementing anything that will satisfy you. How many here have hung on longer than they should have, with many embarrassing regrets along the way, looking for closure? IMO, if there is closure to be had, let them give it, don't go ask for it. Erica, I think your case is somewhat rare, being that civil in the end... I think that typically the safest way is to take the breakup as closure and start moving on... I wish I had... I do agree with you. Even though I think recieving closure is great, I do not think it's necessary. I didn't feel like I needed closure when him and I broke up. He contacted me seeking closure. Which was fantastic because it really did help. For some people, they could go years and years without getting closure and they can move on just fine. But for others, they might need it to be able to stop all the questions and to give their mind some rest. I think everyone has their own way of healing and moving on. We either know it, or we don't. And when we don't, we do everything in our power to try out different strategies. When we have exhausted them (given an appropriate amount of time), then that's usually when the whole 'closure' idea comes to play. I do think that people shouldn't fool themselves into thinking that closure is an easy fix, or that it might be a way to get them back. That is not what closure is meant for. I believe that every situation is different. I think that if closure is used in the way it's meant to be used, that it would be a wonderful thing for everyone to have. But unfortunatly, that's not usually the case. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused_Chump Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 I believe that every situation is different. I think that if closure is used in the way it's meant to be used, that it would be a wonderful thing for everyone to have. But unfortunatly, that's not usually the case. Agreed. I feel it takes both parties to be mature and civilized in order for this to occur though. As some have said, the dumper has the ability to string the dumpee along, which may result in the dumpee ending up in an even more difficult and painful situation. So in other words, if both parties are respectful of each other, then I feel a relationship can come to end in a good manner. Sadly though, based on what people are going through on LS, this is usually not the case. I consider myself to be quite fortunate, like you EricaH329, in that we were both able to find closure from our ex's in a gratifying and civilized manner. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rp123 Posted November 12, 2009 Author Share Posted November 12, 2009 Erica, Sean McGrupp, JL, Confused, Heaven, Thank you so much for your comments.... Without doubt this has been the most difficult period of my life. How ironic, that through extreme pain, so much learning and growth takes place. You spend years with someone, and then feel as if you don't know or understand them anymore. Then, you begin to learn about yourself in such a profound way... It just seems so sad that years are left behind, with no dignified exit. Surely, even the dumpers in time come to realize that they have spent years with you and so must acknowledge and respect what once was. As the time passes I feel I am inevitably healing and distancing from my ex. Healing is taking place as a natural process, NC is forcing healing upon me. Of course I want to heal and move on, but healing and slowly feeling better, means that it REALLY IS OVER. what is worse, living in pain, or REALLY accepting its over. both are daunting prospects. the pain is tangible. Link to post Share on other sites
sean1970 Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 Of course I want to heal and move on, but healing and slowly feeling better, means that it REALLY IS OVER. what is worse, living in pain, or REALLY accepting its over. both are daunting prospects. I feel the same way, almost to the point of guilt that the pain is going away... That somehow, if I move on, there will be no one to know that there was real love there. May be a bit morbid but its like I'm the one that is still holding the hand of a terminally ill mutual friend that she has already said her goodbyes to... Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 My ex left me 4 months ago, he has said many times to let him know how I'm feeling and if need to ask him anything then please do, he doesn't want me to be wondering about what I might have done wrong, if anything etc etc. We have stayed civil, well more than civil, he wants us to be friends and I'm trying to work out if I can be friends or not. I posted this to another thread but it works here... I just think that actively seeking closure is a dangerous pursuit. They have all the ability and power to string you along while never really cementing anything that will satisfy you. How many here have hung on longer than they should have, with many embarrassing regrets along the way, looking for closure? IMO, if there is closure to be had, let them give it, don't go ask for it. Erica, I think your case is somewhat rare, being that civil in the end... I think that typically the safest way is to take the breakup as closure and start moving on... I wish I had... Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 I feel the same totally with regard to paragraph one and two! Maybe I'm lucky but my ex has made it clear he fully acknowledges how special we used to be and that he didn't find it easy (far from it) to walk away at all. If I thought he didn't care at all, I would find that extremely hard. Erica, Sean McGrupp, JL, Confused, Heaven, Thank you so much for your comments.... Without doubt this has been the most difficult period of my life. How ironic, that through extreme pain, so much learning and growth takes place. You spend years with someone, and then feel as if you don't know or understand them anymore. Then, you begin to learn about yourself in such a profound way... It just seems so sad that years are left behind, with no dignified exit. Surely, even the dumpers in time come to realize that they have spent years with you and so must acknowledge and respect what once was. As the time passes I feel I am inevitably healing and distancing from my ex. Healing is taking place as a natural process, NC is forcing healing upon me. Of course I want to heal and move on, but healing and slowly feeling better, means that it REALLY IS OVER. what is worse, living in pain, or REALLY accepting its over. both are daunting prospects. the pain is tangible. Link to post Share on other sites
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