Lauriebell82 Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 (edited) One of my bridesmaids (whom I have already asked) is in Egypt right now. She said she would most likely be able to come and I have talked about it several times to her regarding the wedding. She has now told both my best friend (another bridesmaid) and my fiance that "she doesn't know." I have messaged her several times on facebook and she is not responding. I think she is just trying to put me off. I have to order the dresses and I don't know what to do! Now my friend (in Egypt) is pretty much doing nothing for the wedding as well, I will have to pay for her dress (which I don't have the money for) and I have no clue when she will pay me back. She will not be here for the bridal shower and will not chip in. I don't know what to do!!! I can find another bridesmaid but I will feel guilty if I bump her for someone else! Edited November 12, 2009 by Lauriebell82 Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 talk to her, LB, and let her know that she has the option to back out (if this is how you feel) – it might be that she isn't sure if she can commit to being in the bridal party or is scared to commit because of the distance factor, so she's avoiding you because she thinks you'll be upset about her screwing up your wedding plans. honestly? Her being in another country is a hard one to work around, so it just might be easier inviting her as a guest, rather than making her a bridesmaid, because it allows flexibility in planning. For everyone involved! Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 Send her a nice friendly message. "Hey Sarah, hope everything is great in Egypt. I have to order the dresses by Saturday; if I don't hear from you by Saturday, I will have to order them without yours. I feel like I am putting you on the spot, but I don't have a choice. If being a bridesmaid is a financial concern, I DEFINITELY understand that - I would much rather that you are honest and not stressed about talking about it with me! We have been friends for years, and I would rather preserve that than you be uncomfortable with wedding timing/expense!! Stay safe, and have fun, and let me know what you are thinking and feeling by Saturday! Love LB" As for asking another bridesmaid, how in the world do you do that gracefully? "Mindy, would you like to be a bridesmaid? I know that I asked the first choice girls 3 months ago, but would you like to fill in at the last minute? Btw, go get your dress fitted in the next 3 days so we can order them." Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 I think you should write to her and tell her, quite simply: Unless you have a definite reply from her by *friday*, (or whenever you decide is soon enough) you will consider her to not wish to be your bridesmaid, and will take it that she will not be participating. Come on Laurie, this is your wedding - get a grip and take control! You decide what you want and how you want it. Don't be dragged around by others on something that is essentially supposed to be your big day. Though in view of other threads, I would not be marrying a man I still have several issues to work through.... but that's just me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 12, 2009 Author Share Posted November 12, 2009 Though in view of other threads, I would not be marrying a man I still have several issues to work through.... but that's just me. Everybody has some issues!!! honestly? Her being in another country is a hard one to work around, so it just might be easier inviting her as a guest, rather than making her a bridesmaid, because it allows flexibility in planning. For everyone involved! I already messaged her on facebook and now she is actually on there..I'm too chicken to ask her about it again since I just did? I don't know, I need an answer though. I didn't actually give her a deadline I just asked her about the dress. Maybe I should message her and give her a deadline about whether or not she can be in the wedding and pay for her dress (like a week). Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 I can find another bridesmaid but I will feel guilty if I bump her for someone else! you have to find an alternate bridesmaid, end of discussion Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 12, 2009 Author Share Posted November 12, 2009 you have to find an alternate bridesmaid, end of discussion I have one, I just feel bad for either outcome. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 I have one, I just feel bad for either outcome. look sister, this is your big day and you have to take care of business. don't worry about hurting feelings or any of that other bull**** Link to post Share on other sites
northstar1 Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 I have one, I just feel bad for either outcome. im willing to step in with little advanced notice, as long as i can do some last minute alterations to the dress and you dont mind a fairly hirsute bridesmaid. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 Send her a nice friendly message. "Hey Sarah, hope everything is great in Egypt. I have to order the dresses by Saturday; if I don't hear from you by XXXX DATE, I will have to order them without yours. I feel like I am putting you on the spot, but I don't have a choice. If being a bridesmaid is a financial concern, I DEFINITELY understand that - I would much rather that you are honest and not stressed about talking about it with me! We have been friends for years, and I would rather preserve that than you be uncomfortable with wedding timing/expense!! Stay safe, and have fun, and let me know what you are thinking and feeling by Saturday! Love LB" I think this is fantastic advice. One question though: Bridesmaids dresses do NOT have to be ordered 10 months in advance. So why the pressure/rush right now? Give her time, via an amended version of the above message. As for asking another bridesmaid, your wedding isn't for 10 months, so it's not exactly short notice. Remember, while being asked to be in the bridal party is an honor, it's also a huge responsibility and often quite a pain in the butt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 12, 2009 Author Share Posted November 12, 2009 I think this is fantastic advice. One question though: Bridesmaids dresses do NOT have to be ordered 10 months in advance. So why the pressure/rush right now? Give her time, via an amended version of the above message. As for asking another bridesmaid, your wedding isn't for 10 months, so it's not exactly short notice. Remember, while being asked to be in the bridal party is an honor, it's also a huge responsibility and often quite a pain in the butt. I am not ordering them until mid January, therefore giving them 2 months to come up with the money. (they only have to pay a portion) As for ordering the bridesmaids dresses in advance: the store that I am buying my dress at will give my bridesmaids 20% of their dress if it is ordered within 60 days of the purchase of mine. Plus my bridesmaids live all over the U.S. therefore my have to have their dresses altered months and months in advance. The issue is that I do not believe that my friend (in Egypt) will come up with the money that soon and will not pay me back for some time. I do not have money to pay for her dress right now. I suppose I made it more complicated for my bridesmaids by buying them at an independent store. They have different policies then chain stores that DB. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 I'm confused. So you aren't ordering the dresses until January? How long is she going to be in Egypt? How expensive are the dresses, for heaven's sake? I don't see why ordering from a nice store is any more problematic than ordering from some big chain store; if anything, I would think a small store will give you much more personal attention and care than big stores. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 13, 2009 Author Share Posted November 13, 2009 I'm confused. So you aren't ordering the dresses until January? How long is she going to be in Egypt? How expensive are the dresses, for heaven's sake? I don't see why ordering from a nice store is any more problematic than ordering from some big chain store; if anything, I would think a small store will give you much more personal attention and care than big stores. She is in Egypt for the next two years. She won't even come back to the states until next September (which is still a "we'll see if I can.") Which means she won't help my other bridesmaids, won't participate in the shower/bachelorette or anything else. I am second guessing whether or not I should have asked her. My fiance kind of pressered me into finding another bridesmaid because he felt bad he left one of his friends out. (I do not want an uneven bridal party) I'm waiting to order the dresses because I just found out the price and wanted to be nice and give everyone time to get the money together. The reason that ordering from a nice store is more problematic is because designer dresses take longer to order then ones from say David's bridal or Alfred Angelo. I have to order my dress now as it takes 8 months to come back and the bridesmaids dresses take 5-6 months. We need time to have them altered. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 If at best she's literally only going to be there on the day of the wedding, and even that's a maybe, maybe you should ask someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 maybe you should ask someone else. I'm here on this advice.. The fact that she is in another country for 2 years and might not come has disaster written all over it.. You need definitive answers to your questions not maybes when planning a wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 13, 2009 Author Share Posted November 13, 2009 I'm here on this advice.. The fact that she is in another country for 2 years and might not come has disaster written all over it.. You need definitive answers to your questions not maybes when planning a wedding. If at best she's literally only going to be there on the day of the wedding, and even that's a maybe, maybe you should ask someone else. Yeah, you guys are right. I just feel bad and guilty, she's been my friend for over 10 years. It is pissing me off that she won't even respond to me, I left her several facebook messages and she refuses to answer...and I KNOW she goes on facebook all the time. I'm ready to just tell her I'd rather her not be in it and ask someone else. I don't want to play this game. Like I said, she did this to my best friend for her wedding and it was horrible. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 Yeah, you guys are right. I just feel bad and guilty, she's been my friend for over 10 years. It is pissing me off that she won't even respond to me, I left her several facebook messages and she refuses to answer...and I KNOW she goes on facebook all the time. I'm ready to just tell her I'd rather her not be in it and ask someone else. I don't want to play this game. I don't think she's playing games, LB. She just sounds distant, uninterested, and/or busy. I wouldn't tell her that "you'd rather she not be in it." Just message her and let her know that you need someone who can commit NOW due to the circumstances, and that because she's unable to, you'll have to ask someone else. Like I said, she did this to my best friend for her wedding and it was horrible. Knowing this, why did you ask her to begin with? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 14, 2009 Author Share Posted November 14, 2009 I don't think she's playing games, LB. She just sounds distant, uninterested, and/or busy. I wouldn't tell her that "you'd rather she not be in it." Just message her and let her know that you need someone who can commit NOW due to the circumstances, and that because she's unable to, you'll have to ask someone else. I don't want to tell her that definately. But she won't even answer me, I don't know what to do! Knowing this, why did you ask her to begin with? Fiance kind of sprung it on me that I needed to find another bridesmaid so I guess I did it without thinking the whole thing through. I didn't have anyone else to ask at the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted November 14, 2009 Share Posted November 14, 2009 I don't want to play this game. Like I said, she did this to my best friend for her wedding and it was horrible. Just tell her: Hey, since you haven't replied to my messages I have asked Jenny to be my new bridesmaid. Hope you are having fun. TTYL Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 14, 2009 Author Share Posted November 14, 2009 Just tell her: Hey, since you haven't replied to my messages I have asked Jenny to be my new bridesmaid. Hope you are having fun. TTYL I feel so bad doing that though!!! I think she'll be mad and I hate to have us stop being friends over this. (which is quite possible) Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted November 14, 2009 Share Posted November 14, 2009 I feel so bad doing that though!!! I think she'll be mad and I hate to have us stop being friends over this. (which is quite possible) Well, if you know for sure that she is going to Facebook and ignoring your messages, maybe you'll do her a favor. As she said she "didn't know," maybe she wants no part. Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted November 14, 2009 Share Posted November 14, 2009 I feel so bad doing that though!!! I think she'll be mad and I hate to have us stop being friends over this. (which is quite possible) LB you shouldn't feel bad, she should! This is your wedding and she's blowing you off regarding an important aspect of it. She being dismissive and not a very good friend. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted November 14, 2009 Share Posted November 14, 2009 Everybody has some issues!!! Yes, Laurie, we know. You keep posting them. And they're quite serious and life-changing. Everybody has some issues, but when they're as important as yours, I wouldn't be even looking for dresses. I'd be looking for solutions and compromises BEFORE I even started planning the wedding. No way would I be contemplating marryinag a man that's this controlling and indifferent..... Fiance kind of sprung it on me that I needed to find another bridesmaid so I guess I did it without thinking the whole thing through. I didn't have anyone else to ask at the time. I rest my case. What business is it of his how many bridesmaids you have...? Seems to me, that even though you are a counsellor to others (and probably a very good one at that) there are situations in your own life you cannot get to grips with. if telling a bridesmaid she's off the hook floors you to this extent, I'm seriously worried how you'll handle a really important crisis..... Those, Laurie, are my concerns. And the body language from both you and your BF, in your profile photo, speaks volumes. I'm really not trying to be unkind, or rain on your parade. On the complete contrary. I'd love your parade to be a stunningly sunny one. But the clouds on the horizon are worrying. Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted November 14, 2009 Share Posted November 14, 2009 And the body language from both you and your BF, in your profile photo, speaks volumes. What do you mean? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted November 14, 2009 Share Posted November 14, 2009 I mean she's clingy and all over him. leaning into him. She is into a full embrace, and looks 'desperate'. Hanging on for dear life.... He's leaning back, and one hand is around her back, but the other is on her shoulder. He doesn't look amorous or interested in the hold. That's not an embrace. That's a participation. And before anyone asks, yes, I'm studying body language. Partly for my job. But mainly because it's a fascinating and hitherto neglected form of communication. It's incredible.... Link to post Share on other sites
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